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Young people are often influenced in their behaviors by others in the same age group. Some argue that peer pressure is important while others feel it has distinct disadvantages. Do the disadvantages of peer pressure outweigh the advantages?

Young people are often influenced in their behaviors by others in the same age group. Some argue that peer pressure is important while others feel it has distinct disadvantages. Do the disadvantages of peer pressure outweigh the advantages?

Peer pressure exerts on children in the same age group, can be the main contributor for changes in their demeanor. This essay argues the advantages are outweighed the disadvantages due to this kind of pressure can create detrimental effects on mental health despite the improvement in significant traits or academic progress.
With some children being influenced by those in the same age group could play a crucial role in reinforcing positive habits and performance in educational institutions. Children usually take their friend who they have close intimacy to become their rival in school or in some aspects of life. If peer pressure can create a counterpart for children, they will probably achieve development in characteristics or even in term of academic. For example, looking others in their same age competing in Vietnam got talent successfully motivated the desire to achieve accomplishment in life which formed a solid foundation about working hard or dedication.
However, it seems to be true for me that peer pressure poses more significant problems than its merits because mental issues arising from this tendency. It is worthy to mention about the root of peer pressure come from the comparison of parents, this make these child experience a sense of disappointment and inferior when parents just look them as a item used to compare with others, this give them a fear of expressing and tend to isolate themselves with family and friends paved the way to psychological problems like stress or even suicide. Take America for example, there are about 2000 people have been reported die due to the peer pressure annually, and this staggering rate will not decrease in the future.
In conclusion, peer pressure may have a lot of benefits when it is applied in a healthy way. This mean children need to be acknowledged by their parents and educators about the right way to put peer pressure into practice.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Peer pressure exerts on children in the same age group, can be the main contributor for changes in their demeanor." -> "Peer pressure exerted by children in the same age group can be a primary factor influencing changes in their demeanor."
    Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and uses informal language. By rephrasing, the sentence becomes more precise and aligns with a formal academic tone.

  2. "This essay argues the advantages are outweighed the disadvantages due to this kind of pressure can create detrimental effects on mental health despite the improvement in significant traits or academic progress." -> "This essay contends that while there may be advantages, they are outweighed by the disadvantages, as this form of pressure can lead to detrimental effects on mental health, despite improvements in significant traits or academic progress."
    Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted and lacks coherence. The suggested improvement provides a clearer structure and aligns with formal writing standards.

  3. "Children usually take their friend who they have close intimacy to become their rival in school or in some aspects of life." -> "Children often consider their close friends as rivals in school or other aspects of life."
    Explanation: The phrase "close intimacy" is overly informal, and the rephrased version maintains clarity while using more suitable language for an academic context.

  4. "If peer pressure can create a counterpart for children, they will probably achieve development in characteristics or even in term of academic." -> "If peer pressure can serve as a catalyst for children, it may contribute to their development in terms of personal characteristics or academic achievement."
    Explanation: The use of "counterpart" is unclear and informal. The suggested alternative uses more precise language to convey the intended meaning in a formal manner.

  5. "For example, looking others in their same age competing in Vietnam got talent successfully motivated the desire to achieve accomplishment in life which formed a solid foundation about working hard or dedication." -> "For instance, observing peers of the same age successfully competing in shows like ‘Vietnam’s Got Talent’ can inspire a desire to achieve accomplishments in life, thereby laying a solid foundation for hard work and dedication."
    Explanation: The original sentence is fragmented and lacks structure. The revised version provides a smoother flow and uses more appropriate vocabulary.

  6. "However, it seems to be true for me that peer pressure poses more significant problems than its merits because mental issues arising from this tendency." -> "However, in my view, peer pressure tends to present more significant challenges than benefits, primarily due to the mental health issues stemming from this phenomenon."
    Explanation: The original sentence is informal and lacks precision. The suggested improvement clarifies the point of view and uses more formal language.

  7. "It is worthy to mention about the root of peer pressure come from the comparison of parents, this make these child experience a sense of disappointment and inferior when parents just look them as a item used to compare with others, this give them a fear of expressing and tend to isolate themselves with family and friends paved the way to psychological problems like stress or even suicide." -> "It is noteworthy to mention that the root of peer pressure often stems from parental comparisons, leading children to experience a sense of disappointment and inferiority. When parents view them merely as objects for comparison, it instills a fear of expressing themselves, and they tend to isolate from family and friends, paving the way to psychological problems such as stress or even suicide."
    Explanation: The original sentence is lengthy, unclear, and uses informal language. The suggested improvement breaks down the information into more digestible parts, enhances clarity, and maintains a formal tone.

  8. "Take America for example, there are about 2000 people have been reported die due to the peer pressure annually, and this staggering rate will not decrease in the future." -> "Taking the United States as an example, approximately 2000 individuals are reported to have died annually due to the effects of peer pressure, and this alarming rate is not expected to decrease in the future."
    Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and lacks precision. The improved version corrects the grammar and employs more suitable language for an academic context.

  9. "In conclusion, peer pressure may have a lot of benefits when it is applied in a healthy way." -> "In conclusion, peer pressure may yield numerous benefits when applied in a healthy manner."
    Explanation: The original sentence is overly informal. The revised version maintains clarity while using more formal language for a conclusion in an academic context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does address both sides of the argument. It acknowledges the advantages of peer pressure in reinforcing positive habits and academic progress, while also recognizing the significant problems, particularly in terms of mental health.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, provide a more balanced exploration of advantages and disadvantages. Present a more nuanced understanding of the topic by delving into specific scenarios or examples for both sides.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does maintain a clear position throughout, arguing that the disadvantages of peer pressure outweigh the advantages.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, consider providing a concise thesis statement in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. This helps the reader grasp the main argument easily.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about both the advantages and disadvantages of peer pressure, providing an example related to academic competition in Vietnam.
    • How to improve: To extend and support ideas further, include more examples and elaborate on the presented points. Develop the analysis by delving into the consequences of peer pressure on both positive and negative aspects.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic but occasionally deviates, particularly in the discussion of the root cause of peer pressure being parental comparison.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all points made directly relate to the prompt. If discussing the root causes, connect it explicitly to the question of whether the disadvantages of peer pressure outweigh the advantages.

General Comments:

  • The essay presents a reasonable understanding of the prompt, exploring both sides of the argument.
  • Work on refining the thesis statement for better clarity of the essay’s position.
  • Elaborate on examples and provide more detailed analysis to strengthen the content.
  • Maintain a consistent focus on the prompt to avoid occasional deviations.
  • Proofread for grammar and language usage for better overall coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph discusses a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence. However, there are instances where the flow is disrupted due to abrupt transitions between ideas. For instance, the shift from discussing positive effects to the negative effects of peer pressure could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader through shifts in focus. Ensure that the progression of ideas is seamless, creating a cohesive narrative that allows the reader to follow the argument effortlessly.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to separate different ideas, but the structure within some paragraphs can be improved. For example, the second paragraph could benefit from clearer separation of ideas to avoid confusion. Additionally, paragraph length varies, and some paragraphs are quite lengthy, potentially overwhelming the reader.
    • How to improve: Focus on creating well-structured paragraphs with a clear topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence. Ensure each paragraph addresses a single main idea. Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller, more digestible segments to maintain reader engagement.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("this kind of pressure"), conjunctions ("however"), and transitional phrases ("in conclusion"). However, there is room for improvement in the variety and frequency of these devices. The essay could benefit from more diverse cohesive devices to create a smoother flow between sentences and ideas.
    • How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices, including a variety of conjunctions, transition words, and synonyms to establish connections between sentences and paragraphs. This will contribute to a more sophisticated and cohesive expression of ideas, facilitating a clearer understanding for the reader.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion, refining transitions, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will further elevate the organization of ideas and improve the overall readability of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There are instances where the writer successfully employs diverse words, such as "demeanor," "counterpart," and "accomplishment." However, some repetition occurs, and certain terms are used rather generically, limiting the richness of expression.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of vocabulary, consider incorporating more synonyms and exploring nuanced terms. For instance, instead of frequently using "peer pressure," you could introduce alternative expressions like "social influence" or "group dynamics" to avoid redundancy.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is somewhat inconsistent. While there are moments of clarity, such as "reinforcing positive habits" and "significant problems," there are instances where the language is less precise, for example, "this kind of pressure" or "development in characteristics."
    • How to improve: Strive for greater specificity in your word choices. Replace vague terms with more precise ones. For instance, instead of "development in characteristics," consider specifying the particular traits being developed, such as "improvement in communication skills" or "enhancement of leadership qualities."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay exhibits a reasonable level of spelling accuracy. However, there are several instances of minor spelling errors, such as "exerts" instead of "exerted," and some grammatical errors that affect the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to spelling details and proofread the essay thoroughly. Consider utilizing spelling and grammar check tools or seeking feedback from others to catch any overlooked errors. Additionally, focus on sentence structure and grammar to ensure a smoother flow of ideas.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a commendable effort in vocabulary use, refining the range and precision, along with meticulous attention to spelling and grammar, will contribute to an even stronger lexical performance.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a mix of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. However, there is a tendency to rely on simple structures, and the complexity of sentences could be enhanced for a more varied and sophisticated expression of ideas. For instance, the use of compound or compound-complex sentences could add depth to the analysis.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures. Introduce compound or compound-complex sentences to convey ideas with greater nuance. This can be achieved by using subordinating conjunctions, relative clauses, or varying sentence lengths. For example, instead of using solely simple sentences, try combining ideas to create more intricate structures.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of errors that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "the disadvantages due to this kind of pressure can create detrimental effects on mental health despite the improvement in significant traits or academic progress" contains multiple grammatical issues, making it challenging to discern the intended meaning.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay attention to sentence structure and ensure that ideas are expressed clearly. Review grammar rules related to sentence construction, subject-verb agreement, and the use of modifiers. Additionally, proofread the essay to identify and correct punctuation errors. Consider revising sentences that may be unclear or awkward to improve overall coherence and readability. Seeking feedback from peers or instructors can also be beneficial to identify areas of improvement.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a moderate proficiency in grammatical range and accuracy. To achieve a higher band score, focus on incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures and refining grammatical precision. Additionally, thorough proofreading and revision can contribute to clearer and more polished writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Peer pressure exerted by children in the same age group can indeed be a significant factor influencing changes in their demeanor. This essay contends that while there may be advantages, they are outweighed by the disadvantages, as this form of pressure can lead to detrimental effects on mental health, despite improvements in significant traits or academic progress.

Children often consider their close friends as rivals in school or other aspects of life. If peer pressure can serve as a catalyst for children, it may contribute to their development in terms of personal characteristics or academic achievement. For instance, observing peers of the same age successfully competing in shows like ‘Vietnam’s Got Talent’ can inspire a desire to achieve accomplishments in life, thereby laying a solid foundation for hard work and dedication.

However, in my view, peer pressure tends to present more significant challenges than benefits, primarily due to the mental health issues stemming from this phenomenon. It is noteworthy to mention that the root of peer pressure often stems from parental comparisons, leading children to experience a sense of disappointment and inferiority. When parents view them merely as objects for comparison, it instills a fear of expressing themselves, and they tend to isolate from family and friends, paving the way for psychological problems such as stress or even suicide.

Taking the United States as an example, approximately 2000 individuals are reported to have died annually due to the effects of peer pressure, and this alarming rate is not expected to decrease in the future.

In conclusion, peer pressure may yield numerous benefits when applied in a healthy manner. Nonetheless, the negative impact on mental health and well-being, particularly arising from parental comparisons, emphasizes the need for a balanced and mindful approach to peer pressure, ensuring it fosters positive development rather than detrimental consequences.

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