Young people are often influenced in their behaviors by others in the same age group. Some argue that peer pressure is important while others feel it has distinct disadvantages. Do the disadvantages of peer pressure outweigh the advantages?
It is a fact that young individuals are frequently impacted by others at the same age group. This essay will shed light on why I find myself standing tall with the assertion that the merits of this phenomenon are trumped by its inconveniences.
On the one hand, peer pressure may endow a profusion of advantages. A noteworthy upside is that peer pressure may motivate young people into discovering new horizons that they have not experienced yet. For instance, having seen other peers capturing themselves at a football field or at a gym, an adolescence might feel encouraged to engage in similar physical exercises, which are handy for their physical well-being in turn. In terms of academic performance, this might positively foster young people to work hard and keep up with their peers. In accordance with my prudence, without a sense of competition, it would impede brilliant and diligent students from shining.
On the other hand, peer pressure can pose significant drawbacks as individuals may find themselves making choices solely to gain approval from their peers, often at the expense of their own well-being. For instance, adolescents might succumb to the pressure of experimenting with substances like drugs or alcohol to fit in with a particular social group. Peer pressure can also negatively impact academic performance, as students may adopt behaviors that prioritize popularity over educational goals. Additionally, individuals may engage in risky activities, such as reckless driving or skipping school, influenced by the desire to align with their peer group. Ultimately, the disadvantages of peer pressure extend beyond immediate consequences, potentially leading to long-term negative outcomes for those who yield to its influence.
In conclusion, peer pressure perspicuously leads young individuals to insolent behaviors and making decisions not in their best interests. These consequences exceed the positives of peer pressure, therefore young people should be aware of its potential impacts.
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Errors and Improvements:
"standing tall with the assertion" -> "firmly asserting"
Explanation: Replacing "standing tall with the assertion" with "firmly asserting" adds a touch of formality and clarity to the statement.
"A noteworthy upside is that" -> "One significant benefit is that"
Explanation: Substituting "A noteworthy upside is that" with "One significant benefit is that" maintains the formality of the language and provides a more precise expression.
"capturing themselves at a football field" -> "engaging in physical activities on a football field"
Explanation: Changing "capturing themselves at a football field" to "engaging in physical activities on a football field" enhances clarity and formality by specifying the type of activity.
"In accordance with my prudence" -> "In my considered opinion"
Explanation: Replacing "In accordance with my prudence" with "In my considered opinion" elevates the language and avoids the somewhat informal use of "prudence."
"fit in with a particular social group" -> "conform to a specific social group"
Explanation: Substituting "fit in with a particular social group" with "conform to a specific social group" provides a more formal expression while maintaining the intended meaning.
"may adopt behaviors that prioritize popularity over educational goals" -> "may exhibit behaviors prioritizing popularity over academic pursuits"
Explanation: Changing "may adopt behaviors that prioritize popularity over educational goals" to "may exhibit behaviors prioritizing popularity over academic pursuits" offers a more refined and academically suitable phrasing.
"risky activities, such as reckless driving" -> "hazardous activities, including reckless driving"
Explanation: Replacing "risky activities, such as reckless driving" with "hazardous activities, including reckless driving" introduces a more precise and formal term for the type of activities mentioned.
"peer pressure perspicuously leads" -> "peer pressure unmistakably leads"
Explanation: Substituting "perspicuously" with "unmistakably" maintains the emphasis on clarity while using a more commonly understood term.
"insolent behaviors" -> "undesirable behaviors"
Explanation: Changing "insolent behaviors" to "undesirable behaviors" provides a more neutral and formal term, avoiding potential negative connotations associated with "insolent."
"should be aware of its potential impacts" -> "should be cognizant of its potential consequences"
Explanation: Replacing "should be aware of its potential impacts" with "should be cognizant of its potential consequences" maintains formality and introduces a more precise term for the outcomes of peer pressure.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all aspects of the prompt. It discusses both the advantages and disadvantages of peer pressure and concludes with a clear stance.
- How to improve: While the coverage is comprehensive, adding more specific examples of how peer pressure can manifest in various aspects of young people’s lives could strengthen the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position, asserting that the disadvantages of peer pressure outweigh the advantages. The position is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, consider explicitly stating the stance in the introduction and reinforcing it in the conclusion for emphasis.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas coherently and supports them with relevant examples. It effectively discusses the positive influence of peer pressure on physical activities and academic performance, as well as the negative consequences related to substance abuse and risky behaviors.
- How to improve: To further extend ideas, provide more nuanced explanations or counterarguments. For example, delve deeper into how peer pressure can impact academic goals and explore alternative perspectives on the benefits of competition.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, discussing the merits and drawbacks of peer pressure as they relate to young individuals.
- How to improve: Avoid general statements like "peer pressure perspicuously leads" and ensure each point directly connects to the topic. A more explicit link between the discussed examples and the overall theme would enhance coherence.
Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively addresses the advantages and disadvantages of peer pressure. To improve, consider providing more detailed examples, explicitly stating the stance in the introduction, and ensuring each point is directly connected to the overall theme.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction effectively sets up the discussion, presenting the writer’s stance clearly. Body paragraphs present arguments for both sides, providing examples to support each point. However, there is room for improvement in the transition between paragraphs. Some ideas could be better connected, creating a smoother flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases to connect ideas more seamlessly between paragraphs. For example, phrases like "In addition," or "On the contrary," can help guide the reader through the essay more effectively.
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs adequately. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, and there is a clear separation between the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, the organization within paragraphs could be more refined, with some ideas feeling loosely connected within the paragraphs.
- How to improve: Work on developing a clear structure within each paragraph. Ensure that each paragraph has a topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples. This will contribute to a more coherent and organized presentation of ideas.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses a variety of cohesive devices, including transition words and phrases (e.g., "on the one hand," "on the other hand," "in conclusion"). However, the frequency and effectiveness of cohesive devices can be improved to create stronger connections between sentences and ideas.
- How to improve: Increase the use of cohesive devices to guide the reader through the essay more smoothly. Consider using a broader range of linking words and phrases to establish relationships between ideas. This will contribute to a more cohesive and interconnected essay.
In summary, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents arguments coherently, there is room for improvement in the logical organization of ideas, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. Implementing these suggestions will elevate the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay, potentially leading to a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is a good attempt to use varied words and phrases, but at times, the vocabulary could be more diverse and nuanced.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more specialized terms and synonyms where possible. For instance, in the phrase "capturing themselves at a football field," consider alternatives like "engaging in physical activities" to avoid repetition.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision, but there are instances where word choices could be more accurate. For example, the term "insolent behaviors" may not precisely convey the intended meaning, and a more suitable term like "undesirable conduct" could be used.
- How to improve: Aim for precision by selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Review each term to ensure it aligns accurately with the context. In this case, opting for a more precise term like "undesirable conduct" would improve clarity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, spelling is accurate throughout the essay. However, there are a few minor errors, such as "prudence" instead of "perspective" and "perspicuously" instead of "persuasively."
- How to improve: Continue practicing accurate spelling, and consider proofreading more meticulously to catch minor errors. Utilizing spelling and grammar check tools can be beneficial in identifying and correcting such mistakes. Additionally, expanding vocabulary can contribute to improved spelling accuracy.
In summary, the essay demonstrates a solid vocabulary with room for improvement. By incorporating more diverse terms, ensuring precise word choices, and refining spelling accuracy, the lexical resource can be elevated to a higher band score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a satisfactory range of sentence structures. It includes a mix of simple and complex sentences, contributing to coherence and readability. For example, the opening sentence employs a complex structure, "This essay will shed light on why I find myself standing tall with the assertion," showcasing a willingness to use varied structures.
- How to improve: While the essay demonstrates variety, enhancing the complexity of sentence structures further could elevate the overall quality. Encourage the use of compound and complex sentences in a balanced manner to add sophistication to the writing. Consider incorporating diverse sentence openers, such as introductory adverbial clauses or participial phrases, to enhance fluency.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with minimal errors. However, there are instances where improvements can be made. For instance, the phrase "perspicuously leads" might be considered less common and could be replaced with a more straightforward term to enhance clarity. Additionally, the sentence "This essay will shed light on why I find myself standing tall with the assertion that the merits of this phenomenon are trumped by its inconveniences" is grammatically correct but could be rephrased for improved conciseness and flow.
- How to improve: Encourage the writer to review sentences for clarity and conciseness, ensuring that complex ideas are expressed with precision. Advise a careful proofreading to catch any subtle grammatical inaccuracies or awkward phrasing. Additionally, encourage the use of varied punctuation marks, such as dashes or semicolons, to enhance the essay’s overall structure and coherence.
Bài sửa mẫu
It is an undeniable reality that young individuals are frequently influenced by others in the same age group. This essay aims to elucidate why I firmly assert that the drawbacks of this phenomenon outweigh its advantages.
On the positive side, one significant benefit is that peer pressure can serve as a motivating force for young people to explore new activities. Witnessing peers actively participating in physical activities on a football field or at a gym, for instance, may inspire adolescents to similarly engage in beneficial exercises for their physical well-being. Furthermore, in my considered opinion, the competitive aspect introduced by peer pressure can encourage students to work diligently and excel academically.
However, on the flip side, engaging in behaviors solely to gain approval from peers can lead to undesirable outcomes. For example, adolescents might succumb to the pressure of conforming to a specific social group, indulging in hazardous activities, including experimenting with substances like drugs or alcohol. This, undoubtedly, may adversely affect not only their well-being but also their academic performance, as some may prioritize popularity over educational goals. Peer pressure unmistakably leads to behaviors that may seem attractive in the short term but could have long-term negative consequences.
In conclusion, while it is true that peer pressure can motivate young individuals, it also significantly increases the risk of engaging in undesirable behaviors. The potential consequences of succumbing to peer pressure extend beyond immediate outcomes, potentially leading to long-term negative impacts. Hence, young people should be cognizant of its potential consequences and strive to make decisions in their best interests.