young people like to copy behavior and clothes of famous people’s . why might be this the case? what problems might it cause ?

young people like to copy behavior and clothes of famous people's .
why might be this the case?
what problems might it cause ?

When it comes to sense of style, copying and learning from others, especially from celebrities, still attracted public attention. This essay aims to elaborate on both reasons that phenomenon may ensue from and also the consequences it leaves behind .

There are possible explanations why young people prefer copying well-known people's actions and ways of dressing. The most obvious reason to explain is that admirees want to experience the fascinating and luxurious life that famous stars live in.Therefore they accept becoming a copycat of their idols – a way that they can look and behave like them. For instance , young people are always buying the same pieces of fashion to match with famous celebrities’ wearing clothes ; or trying to have for themselves selfies taken in the same places that influencers have been to. Another reason also needs to be taken into consideration is that, FOMo feelings and peer pressures . As what celebrities wear or use usually creates trends, you are considered an outcast if you don't follow them. As a result ,the issue of emulating famous people's behavior and sense of styling are not surprising

However , imitating popular people might present challenges to most youngsters. People run a higher risk of splurging all their incomes on clothes , traveling trips that're in their idols' area of interest.As a result, young people are likely to run out of all their savings even before the end of each month. And this might force them to borrow money from banks and eventually end up in debts . All in all, always trying to copy your favorite celebrities can inadvertently get you into financial troubles.

In conclusion, turning yourself into copies of famous people is just a way to fit in with others. However, this may do more harm than good, when it comes to youngsters' incomes. Personally I suggest young adults need to allocate their spending evenly, and try to stay off the FOMO feelings .

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "sense of style" -> "fashion sense"
   Explanation: "Fashion sense" is a more specific and formal term than "sense of style," aligning better with academic style and the context of discussing trends and celebrity emulation.

2. "copying and learning from others" -> "emulating and learning from others"
   Explanation: "Emulating" is a more precise and formal term for copying, suitable for academic writing.

3. "still attracted public attention" -> "continues to garner public attention"
   Explanation: The phrase "continues to garner" is more formal and concise than "still attracted."

4. "phenomenon may ensue from" -> "phenomenon may arise from"
   Explanation: "Arise from" is a more precise and formal alternative to "ensue from."

5. "well-known people’s actions" -> "the actions of well-known individuals"
   Explanation: "Well-known individuals" is a more formal and specific term than "well-known people."

6. "luxurious life" -> "opulent lifestyle"
   Explanation: "Opulent lifestyle" is a more formal and sophisticated phrase than "luxurious life."

7. "admirees" -> "admirers"
   Explanation: "Admirers" is the correct noun form of "admire," suitable for academic writing.

8. "copycat" -> "imitator"
   Explanation: "Imitator" is a more formal and less colloquial term than "copycat."

9. "young people are always buying the same pieces of fashion" -> "adolescents consistently purchase identical fashion items"
   Explanation: "Adolescents" is a more formal term than "young people," and "purchase identical fashion items" is a more precise and formal phrasing.

10. "FOMo feelings" -> "fear of missing out (FOMO)"
    Explanation: It’s preferable to spell out the acronym "FOMO" at least once in academic writing for clarity.

11. "creates trends" -> "sets trends"
    Explanation: "Sets trends" is a more accurate and formal phrase for describing the influence of celebrities on fashion.

12. "you are considered an outcast" -> "one risks being marginalized"
    Explanation: "One risks being marginalized" is a more formal and less colloquial expression than "you are considered an outcast."

13. "emulating" -> "emulation"
    Explanation: Using "emulation" as a noun form is more precise and formal than the gerund "emulating."

14. "popular people" -> "prominent figures"
    Explanation: "Prominent figures" is a more formal and precise term for "popular people" in academic writing.

15. "People run a higher risk of splurging" -> "Individuals face an increased risk of extravagant spending"
    Explanation: "Individuals face an increased risk of extravagant spending" is a more formal and precise phrasing.

16. "traveling trips" -> "travel excursions"
    Explanation: "Travel excursions" is a more formal term than "traveling trips."

17. "that’re" -> "that are"
    Explanation: "That are" is the correct formal contraction of "that are."

18. "their idols’ area of interest" -> "their idols’ sphere of influence"
    Explanation: "Sphere of influence" is a more formal and appropriate term for "area of interest" in this context.

19. "run out of all their savings" -> "deplete their savings entirely"
    Explanation: "Deplete their savings entirely" is a more formal and precise phrasing.

20. "end up in debts" -> "accumulate debts"
    Explanation: "Accumulate debts" is a more formal and precise term for acquiring debts.

21. "just a way to fit in with others" -> "merely a means of social conformity"
    Explanation: "Merely a means of social conformity" is a more formal and precise phrasing.

22. "Personally I suggest" -> "In my opinion, it is advisable"
    Explanation: "In my opinion, it is advisable" is a more formal and precise way to express personal recommendation in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing reasons why young people emulate famous individuals and outlining potential problems associated with this behavior. It identifies two primary reasons for emulation: the desire to experience the glamorous lifestyles of celebrities and the fear of missing out (FOMO) and peer pressure. Moreover, it highlights the financial risks associated with excessive emulation, aligning with the prompt’s requirements.
  • How to improve: While the essay touches upon both aspects of the prompt, a more thorough exploration of the consequences of emulation beyond financial implications could enhance the depth of analysis. Expanding on potential social or psychological consequences would provide a more comprehensive response.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, arguing that while emulating famous individuals may seem appealing, it can lead to financial troubles for young people. This stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion, providing a consistent perspective.
  • How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, the essay could explicitly state its position in the introduction to set a clear roadmap for the reader. Additionally, reinforcing this position with stronger language throughout the essay would solidify its stance.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas effectively, providing examples to support its points, such as young people mimicking celebrities’ fashion choices and travel destinations. However, the development of ideas could be more robust, with deeper analysis and elaboration on the consequences of emulation.
  • How to improve: To enhance idea presentation, the essay could delve into the psychological motivations behind emulation and explore alternative perspectives on the topic. Providing more nuanced examples and elaborating on the potential long-term effects of emulation would strengthen the essay’s argumentation.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the reasons for young people emulating famous individuals and the potential problems it can cause, primarily focusing on financial implications. However, there are instances where the discussion could be more tightly focused on the prompt.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should ensure that every point made directly relates to the prompt. Streamlining the discussion and avoiding tangential explanations would enhance coherence and relevance.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt’s requirements and maintains a coherent argument, there is room for improvement in depth of analysis, clarity of position, idea development, and focus. By expanding on key points, providing stronger support, and refining its focus, the essay could achieve an even higher score in Task Response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. It begins with an introduction that outlines the intention to discuss both the reasons for young people emulating celebrities and the potential problems associated with this behavior. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect: reasons for emulation and the resulting challenges. The conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points presented in the essay. However, there are some instances where the flow of ideas could be smoother. For example, the transition between discussing reasons for emulation and discussing the resulting challenges could be clearer.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider refining the transition between discussing reasons for emulation and discussing challenges. Providing a clear roadmap in the introduction can also help guide the reader through the essay’s structure.
• Use Paragraphs:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into three paragraphs: introduction, body, and conclusion. Each paragraph serves its purpose adequately. However, the body paragraph could benefit from further subdivision to enhance clarity and coherence. Currently, it addresses both reasons for emulation and resulting challenges within a single paragraph, which can make the argument less focused.
  • How to improve: Divide the body paragraph into two distinct paragraphs—one focusing on reasons for emulation and the other on resulting challenges. This subdivision will improve the clarity and coherence of the argument, allowing for more effective development of each point.
• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and create coherence. Transition phrases such as "However," "Therefore," and "In conclusion" are used to signal shifts between ideas and paragraphs. Additionally, pronouns like "they," "their," and "this" help maintain coherence by referencing previously mentioned concepts. While these cohesive devices contribute to overall coherence, there is room for improvement in the diversity and strategic placement of such devices.
  • How to improve: Consider incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions (e.g., "moreover," "furthermore") and adverbs (e.g., "consequently," "nevertheless"), to add nuance and depth to the essay’s argument. Additionally, pay attention to the strategic placement of cohesive devices to ensure seamless transitions between ideas and paragraphs.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary relevant to the topic. There is a variety of vocabulary used, including terms like "phenomenon," "splurging," "outcast," and "inadvertently." However, some repetition occurs, such as the frequent use of "famous" and "young people," which slightly limits the range.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or more specific terms instead of repetitive phrases. For example, instead of "famous," you could use alternatives like "celebrities," "renowned," or "prominent." Additionally, incorporating more advanced vocabulary related to the topic can further enrich the essay’s lexical resource.
• Use Vocabulary Precisely:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some precision in vocabulary usage. For instance, terms like "FOMO feelings" and "sense of styling" effectively convey specific concepts. However, there are instances of imprecise language, such as "young people" and "popular people," which could be specified further for clarity.
  • How to improve: Aim for more precise vocabulary by specifying the target audience or group instead of using general terms like "young people." For example, instead of "young people," specify whether it refers to adolescents, teenagers, or young adults based on the context. Additionally, use terminology that accurately reflects the intended meaning to avoid ambiguity.
• Use Correct Spelling:
  • Detailed explanation: Overall, spelling accuracy is adequate, with no major spelling errors evident in the essay. However, there are some minor errors, such as "admirees" (should be "admirers") and "copycat" (hyphenation not required). These errors do not significantly detract from understanding but could be improved for better clarity and professionalism.
  • How to improve: Review spelling carefully, paying attention to common errors and ensuring consistency in spelling throughout the essay. Utilize spell-check tools and proofreading techniques to identify and correct any misspelled words. Additionally, familiarize yourself with spelling conventions and practice regularly to enhance spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences ("When it comes to sense of style, copying and learning from others, especially from celebrities, still attracted public attention."), compound sentences ("There are possible explanations why young people prefer copying well-known people’s actions and ways of dressing."), and relative clauses ("For instance, young people are always buying the same pieces of fashion to match with famous celebrities’ wearing clothes; or trying to have for themselves selfies taken in the same places that influencers have been to.").
  • How to improve: To further enhance variety, consider incorporating conditional sentences (e.g., "If young people were more selective in their fashion choices, they could avoid unnecessary expenses."), inverted sentences for emphasis (e.g., "Only by realizing the true cost of emulation can youngsters break free from financial pitfalls."), or passive constructions where appropriate (e.g., "Trends are often set by celebrities, which can lead to financial strain for their admirers."). These additions would add nuance and depth to your argument.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, though there are occasional errors in article usage ("FOMo feelings" should be "FOMO feelings") and phrasing ("As a result, the issue of emulating famous people’s behavior and sense of styling are not surprising" should be "As a result, the issue of emulating famous people’s behavior and sense of style is not surprising.").
  • How to improve: Review articles (a, an, the) and ensure they are used correctly in every instance. Additionally, revise sentences for subject-verb agreement to maintain clarity and precision ("Young people are likely to run out of all their savings even before the end of each month" can be refined to "Young people may exhaust their savings before each month’s end."). Lastly, proofread for punctuation errors such as missing commas in complex sentences ("For instance, young people are always buying the same pieces of fashion to match with famous celebrities’ wearing clothes; or trying to have for themselves selfies taken in the same places that influencers have been to.") to ensure smoother readability.

Overall, the essay effectively explores the reasons behind young people emulating celebrities’ behaviors and clothing choices, supported by a mix of sentence structures and generally accurate grammar. Continued focus on varied sentence construction and meticulous proofreading will elevate the coherence and fluency of your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

When it comes to fashion sense and emulating the behavior of well-known individuals, it continues to garner public attention. This essay aims to elaborate on both the reasons this phenomenon may arise from and the consequences it leaves behind.

There are several possible explanations why young people prefer to copy the actions and clothing styles of celebrities. The most obvious reason is that admirers want to experience the opulent lifestyle that famous stars live. Therefore, they accept becoming imitators of their idols – a way to look and behave like them. For instance, young people often purchase identical fashion items to match with what famous celebrities wear, or they try to take selfies in the same places that influencers have visited. Another reason to consider is the fear of missing out (FOMO) and peer pressure. Since what celebrities wear or use usually sets trends, one risks being marginalized if they don’t follow suit. Therefore, the act of emulation of famous people’s behavior and fashion sense is not surprising.

However, imitating popular figures might present challenges to most youngsters. Individuals face an increased risk of extravagant spending on clothes and travel excursions that are within their idols’ sphere of influence. Consequently, young people are likely to deplete their savings entirely even before the end of each month, which may force them to accumulate debts by borrowing money from banks. All in all, always trying to copy favorite celebrities can inadvertently lead to financial troubles.

In conclusion, turning oneself into copies of famous people is often perceived as a means of social conformity. However, this may do more harm than good, especially concerning youngsters’ finances. In my opinion, it is advisable for young adults to allocate their spending evenly and try to resist the fear of missing out on trends.