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Young people these days spend too much time on their mobile phones. What are the causes for this and what can be done to tackle this issue?

Young people these days spend too much time on their mobile phones. What are the causes for this and what can be done to tackle this issue?

Nowadays, the young tend to consider smart-phones as their must-have items so the amount of time they spend using phones is increasing rapidly. Although there are several inevitable reasons that account for this problem, we still have a number of viable solutions to improve that.
There are two fundamental causes which are responsible for using mobile phones over time. To begin with, smartphones can provide various applications aiding people to work and study more efficiently. For example, only with a handy smartphone, people can contact others all around the world by social media such as emails, facebook, and telegram. Therefore, the work and studies can be transmitted easily through the internet without waiting too long. Secondly, the young are addicted to using smartphones for many purposes so that they can not get away from those objects. Younger generations in this technological age have got on with the convenience of mobile phones since the time they were young, which brings about the dependence on phones. Therefore, young people also entertain by playing online games, watching movies, and using social media included in their phones.
It is important to find out the measures to address this problem. First of all, people should learn about time management using smart phones. It is not difficult as most modern phones now include the function to alarm users to rest after an amount of used time. We should set aside several hours to list and rank the importance of applications so that we can limit the time for each of them. In addition, young people should keep away from the sedentary lifestyle of being a couch potato. We need to spend more time doing outdoor activities such as doing fitness, doing yoga, or even hanging out with friends. A 30-minute exercise on a regular basis not only improves our health but also diminishes the time we spend on smartphones.
To conclude, mobile phones are amazing technical tools, but not without detrimental impacts on younger generations. However, if the young do the right actions by themselves, it can come in handy for many circumstances.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Nowadays, the young tend to consider smart-phones as their must-have items so the amount of time they spend using phones is increasing rapidly." -> "In contemporary times, the younger generation tends to view smartphones as indispensable items, leading to a significant escalation in their phone usage."
    Explanation: Replacing "Nowadays" with "In contemporary times" adds formality, and rephrasing "the young" to "the younger generation" enhances precision. The revision also employs more sophisticated vocabulary.

  2. "Although there are several inevitable reasons that account for this problem, we still have a number of viable solutions to improve that." -> "While there are several inherent factors contributing to this issue, there exist numerous viable solutions to address it."
    Explanation: The substitution of "inevitable reasons" with "inherent factors" and changing "improve that" to "address it" aligns with a more formal tone and enhances clarity.

  3. "There are two fundamental causes which are responsible for using mobile phones over time." -> "Two fundamental causes underlie the prolonged use of mobile phones."
    Explanation: The rephrasing eliminates redundancy and streamlines the sentence for conciseness and clarity, adhering to a more formal style.

  4. "For example, only with a handy smartphone, people can contact others all around the world by social media such as emails, facebook, and telegram." -> "For instance, solely through the convenience of smartphones, individuals can connect globally via social media platforms like email, Facebook, and Telegram."
    Explanation: The revised sentence enhances formality by replacing "handy smartphone" with "the convenience of smartphones" and using more precise language, such as "connect globally" instead of "contact others all around the world."

  5. "Therefore, the work and studies can be transmitted easily through the internet without waiting too long." -> "Hence, work and academic pursuits can be seamlessly transmitted through the internet without undue delays."
    Explanation: The replacement of "Therefore" with "Hence" and refining the language improves coherence and formality.

  6. "Secondly, the young are addicted to using smartphones for many purposes so that they can not get away from those objects." -> "Secondly, the younger generation is ensnared in smartphone addiction, making it challenging to disengage from these devices."
    Explanation: The use of "ensnared" adds a more sophisticated nuance, and replacing "can not" with "challenging to" contributes to a formal and precise tone.

  7. "Younger generations in this technological age have got on with the convenience of mobile phones since the time they were young, which brings about the dependence on phones." -> "Younger generations in this technological era have embraced the convenience of mobile phones from a young age, leading to a dependency on these devices."
    Explanation: The revision eliminates colloquial expressions like "got on with" and enhances precision by using "technological era" instead of "technological age."

  8. "Therefore, young people also entertain by playing online games, watching movies, and using social media included in their phones." -> "Hence, young individuals engage in entertainment through activities such as playing online games, watching movies, and utilizing the social media features integrated into their smartphones."
    Explanation: The use of "engage in entertainment" and "integrated into their smartphones" contributes to a more formal and academically appropriate tone.

  9. "First of all, people should learn about time management using smart phones." -> "Primarily, individuals should acquire knowledge of time management with smartphones."
    Explanation: The substitution of "First of all" with "Primarily" and using "acquire knowledge" adds formality and precision.

  10. "A 30-minute exercise on a regular basis not only improves our health but also diminishes the time we spend on smartphones." -> "Engaging in a 30-minute exercise regularly not only enhances our health but also reduces the time allocated to smartphone usage."
    Explanation: The revision maintains formality and clarity by using "engaging in" and "reduces the time allocated to" instead of "diminishes."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the causes of increased mobile phone usage among young people and suggests viable solutions. It discusses the convenience of smartphones for work and study, the addictive nature of smartphones, and proposes time management and outdoor activities as solutions.
    • How to improve: To enhance task response, consider providing more specific examples related to the causes and solutions. For instance, elaborate on how specific applications contribute to increased phone usage and provide more concrete suggestions for outdoor activities.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that acknowledges the benefits of smartphones while also recognizing their detrimental impacts. The stance is consistent throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, consider adding more nuanced perspectives or counterarguments. This can add depth to the essay and demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas clearly, with examples such as the use of social media and the addictive nature of smartphones. However, some ideas could be extended further to provide a more in-depth analysis.
    • How to improve: Elaborate on the consequences of excessive smartphone use and explore the potential benefits of outdoor activities in more detail. Strengthen the support for each idea with additional examples or evidence.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the causes of increased phone usage and proposing solutions. However, there are moments where the connection between ideas could be clearer.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph is tightly focused on the prompt. Connect ideas more explicitly to the overall theme of the impact of mobile phone usage on young people and how to address it.

In summary, while the essay effectively addresses the key elements of the prompt, there is room for improvement in providing more specific examples, exploring ideas in greater depth, and ensuring a seamless flow between paragraphs. Consider enhancing the essay with richer details and expanding on the consequences and benefits associated with mobile phone usage and the suggested solutions.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing causes and solutions, and a conclusion. The introduction sets the stage by introducing the issue and the solutions. Each body paragraph focuses on a specific cause or solution, providing examples to support the points made. However, transitions between ideas could be smoother. There’s a need for stronger connections between sentences and paragraphs to enhance the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To strengthen logical organization, utilize transitional phrases between sentences and paragraphs. For instance, phrases like "Moreover," "Furthermore," or "Consequently" can help link ideas more effectively. Additionally, consider a more explicit recap in the conclusion, summarizing the discussed causes and proposed solutions to reinforce the essay’s coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a basic paragraph structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, some paragraphs could be more focused and developed. For instance, the second body paragraph discussing causes could be divided to emphasize distinct points: one paragraph for applications aiding work and study and another for the addiction to smartphones.
    • How to improve: Aim for clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to provide a roadmap for the reader. Also, consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones to enhance clarity and emphasize specific points more effectively. For instance, separating discussions on different types of applications or distinguishing between work/study-related phone usage and entertainment purposes.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes some cohesive devices, such as "to begin with" and "first of all," to signal the introduction of new ideas or steps. However, there’s a lack of variety and consistency in their usage throughout the essay. This affects the overall flow and coherence.
    • How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used. Incorporate a wider range of transitional phrases and words to connect ideas more seamlessly. For instance, employing words like "additionally," "in addition," or "conversely" can help create stronger connections between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure these devices are consistently applied across the essay to enhance coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a decent level of coherence and cohesion, refining the use of transitional phrases, paragraph structure, and cohesive devices will significantly enhance the logical flow and coherence, potentially pushing the band score higher.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is a variety of terms used, some words and phrases are repeated, and there is room for more diverse vocabulary to enhance the richness of expression. For instance, the repetition of "smartphones" and "young people" could be addressed for greater lexical variety.
    • How to improve: To widen your range, consider using synonyms and exploring more nuanced expressions. For example, instead of consistently using "young people," you might use alternatives like "adolescents" or "youth." Additionally, try incorporating more advanced vocabulary where appropriate, showcasing a deeper command of the language.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with reasonable precision. However, there are instances where words could be chosen more carefully. For example, in the sentence "young are addicted to using smartphones," a more precise term like "reliant" or "dependent" would convey the message more accurately.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to the specific meanings of words and choose the most fitting ones. Using a thesaurus or contextually relevant synonyms can help you identify more precise vocabulary. Proofread your work to ensure that each word contributes precisely to your intended meaning.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays an overall satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of minor errors, such as "smart-phones" (better written as "smartphones") and "get on with" (perhaps intended as "grown accustomed to"). These do not severely hinder comprehension but suggest a need for closer attention to detail.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider using spell-check tools during the editing process. Also, take time to review common spelling rules and patterns. Reading your essay aloud can help catch errors that might be overlooked in silent proofreading. Additionally, being mindful of hyphenation rules can contribute to clearer and more polished writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. There is an attempt to use complex sentences, such as the one in the introduction, but some structures lack variety. For instance, several sentences follow a basic subject-verb-object pattern, and there is a tendency to rely on repetitive transitional phrases.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as compound and complex sentences. Introduce a variety of transitions to avoid monotony. Experiment with different sentence beginnings and lengths to add dynamism to the writing.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, there are instances of errors in subject-verb agreement (e.g., "the amount of time they spend using phones is increasing rapidly"). Additionally, there are minor issues with article usage (e.g., "for many purposes" could be improved to "for various purposes").
    • How to improve: Carefully review subject-verb agreements and article usage. Pay attention to plural and singular forms. Consider seeking peer or teacher feedback to catch and rectify such errors.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally accurate, but there are occasional errors, such as missing commas (e.g., "smart-phones," should be "smartphones"). Also, some sentences are excessively long, making comprehension challenging. Consider breaking them into smaller, more digestible units.
    • How to improve: Focus on mastering common punctuation rules, particularly comma usage. Shorten overly long sentences for clarity. Use punctuation strategically to enhance the overall flow and readability of the essay.

Overall, the essay displays a commendable level of grammatical range and accuracy. To elevate it further, the writer should work on incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures, refining grammatical precision, and polishing punctuation skills. Regular practice, proofreading, and seeking feedback can significantly contribute to improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary times, the younger generation tends to view smartphones as indispensable items, leading to a significant escalation in their phone usage. While there are several inherent factors contributing to this issue, there exist numerous viable solutions to address it.

Two fundamental causes underlie the prolonged use of mobile phones. For instance, solely through the convenience of smartphones, individuals can connect globally via social media platforms like email, Facebook, and Telegram. Hence, work and academic pursuits can be seamlessly transmitted through the internet without undue delays. Secondly, the younger generation is ensnared in smartphone addiction, making it challenging to disengage from these devices.

Younger generations in this technological era have embraced the convenience of mobile phones from a young age, leading to a dependency on these devices. Hence, young individuals engage in entertainment through activities such as playing online games, watching movies, and utilizing the social media features integrated into their smartphones.

Primarily, individuals should acquire knowledge of time management with smartphones. Engaging in a 30-minute exercise regularly not only enhances our health but also reduces the time allocated to smartphone usage.

To tackle this issue, it is crucial for individuals to learn about time management using smartphones. This can be achieved through the utilization of features on modern phones, such as alarms to remind users to take breaks after a specified period of use. It is advisable to allocate specific hours to list and prioritize the importance of applications, enabling the limitation of time for each activity.

In addition, young people should actively avoid a sedentary lifestyle, steering clear of being a couch potato. Allocating more time to outdoor activities, such as fitness, yoga, or socializing with friends, is essential. A 30-minute exercise routine on a regular basis not only improves our health but also diminishes the time spent on smartphones.

In conclusion, while mobile phones are incredible technical tools, they come with potential detrimental impacts on younger generations. However, by taking proactive measures, particularly in terms of time management and embracing a more active lifestyle, young individuals can harness the benefits of smartphones while mitigating their negative effects.

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