21/3/2020: Watching a live performance such as a play, concert, or sporting event is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Some people claim that watching a live performance gives more enjoyment and pleasure than watching the same on television. However, I personally do not entirely accept this, and I will explain why in this essay.
Firstly, I believe watching performances live can help viewers retain many valuable experiences. When watching a live performance, concert-goers can look at idols in real life, direct communication with them. For example, if audiences go to a concert programme, they will see their idols demonstrate with their own eyes or when spectators go to watch sports, they will be able to attend a match. Watching it will help viewers immerse themselve in an emerging atmosphere. Meanwhile, watching through a TV screen makes it impossible for viewers to experience all the joy of watching a live performance.
However, I believe watching live performances is more exorbitant than watching on screen.Watching through on the TV screen will help viewers cost-saving in paying for tickets and transportation. Meanwhile, to watch a live performance concert-goers have to spend a huge amout of money, up to ten million VND or 100 million VND, for entrance tickets, travel expenses or the peripheral cost. For instance, to go to a concert, audiences will have to spend about 10 million VND for tickets, meals, transportations and hotel rentals. While at home viewers can still watch it without having to pay tickets or extra fees like watching a performance live.
In conclusion, I reiterate my disagreement with the opinion stating that going to a live performance is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television because it can help viewers retain many valuable experiences. However, I believe watching live performances is more exorbitant than watching on screen

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Some people claim" -> "Some individuals assert"
Explanation: Replacing "Some people claim" with "Some individuals assert" elevates the formality and specificity of the language, making it more suitable for academic writing.
"gives more enjoyment and pleasure" -> "offers greater enjoyment and satisfaction"
Explanation: "Offers greater enjoyment and satisfaction" is more precise and formal, replacing the more casual "gives more enjoyment and pleasure."
"I personally do not entirely accept" -> "I do not fully concur"
Explanation: "I do not fully concur" is a more formal expression that avoids the personal and informal tone of "I personally do not entirely accept."
"help viewers retain many valuable experiences" -> "enable viewers to retain numerous valuable experiences"
Explanation: "Enable viewers to retain numerous valuable experiences" is more formal and precise, improving the academic tone.
"look at idols in real life, direct communication with them" -> "observe idols in person and engage in direct communication with them"
Explanation: "Observe idols in person and engage in direct communication with them" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial "look at" and "direct communication."
"concert-goers can look at idols in real life, direct communication with them" -> "concert-goers can observe idols in person and engage in direct communication with them"
Explanation: This revision corrects the awkward phrasing and enhances the formality of the sentence.
"a concert programme" -> "a concert program"
Explanation: "A concert program" is the correct term, and "program" should not be hyphenated in this context.
"demonstrate with their own eyes" -> "demonstrate before their eyes"
Explanation: "Demonstrate before their eyes" is a more precise and formal way to express the idea.
"Watching it will help viewers immerse themselve" -> "Watching it enables viewers to immerse themselves"
Explanation: "Enables viewers to immerse themselves" corrects the grammatical error and enhances the formality of the sentence.
"Watching through on the TV screen" -> "Viewing on television"
Explanation: "Viewing on television" is more formal and precise than the awkward and informal "Watching through on the TV screen."
"cost-saving" -> "cost-effective"
Explanation: "Cost-effective" is the correct term for describing something that saves money, whereas "cost-saving" is not typically used in this context.
"a huge amout of money" -> "a significant amount of money"
Explanation: "A significant amount of money" corrects the spelling error and uses a more formal expression.
"up to ten million VND or 100 million VND" -> "up to 10 million VND or 100 million VND"
Explanation: Removing the redundant "a" before the numbers improves the clarity and formality of the sentence.
"audiences will have to spend about 10 million VND for tickets, meals, transportations and hotel rentals" -> "audiences must spend approximately 10 million VND on tickets, meals, transportation, and hotel rentals"
Explanation: "Must spend approximately" is more formal than "will have to spend," and "transportation" should not be pluralized.
"watching a performance live" -> "watching a live performance"
Explanation: "Watching a live performance" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"I reiterate my disagreement" -> "I reiterate my disagreement with this assertion"
Explanation: Adding "with this assertion" clarifies the subject of the disagreement, enhancing the formality and specificity of the statement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding the enjoyment of live performances versus watching on television. The writer presents a personal stance that leans towards the benefits of watching on TV due to cost considerations, which is a valid point. However, the essay could have more explicitly outlined the extent of agreement or disagreement with the statement, as the prompt asks to what extent the writer agrees or disagrees. The essay mentions enjoyment from live performances but does not fully explore this aspect.
- How to improve: To enhance this section, the writer should clearly state their position in the introduction and then elaborate on it throughout the essay. Including a more balanced discussion of both perspectives before concluding with a definitive stance would strengthen the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position, indicating disagreement with the notion that live performances are more enjoyable. However, the position is not consistently reinforced throughout the essay. The introduction states a lack of complete agreement, but the conclusion reiterates disagreement without fully clarifying the extent of this disagreement. The argument could benefit from a more cohesive structure that ties back to the main position.
- How to improve: The writer should ensure that each paragraph reinforces the main argument. Using transitional phrases to connect ideas and reiterating the main position in each section can help maintain clarity. Additionally, the conclusion should summarize the key points made in support of the position rather than merely restating the disagreement.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the immersive experience of live performances and the financial implications of attending them. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, while the writer mentions the enjoyment of seeing idols live, there is a lack of depth in exploring why this experience is more enjoyable or how it compares to the experience of watching on TV. The financial argument is presented with some detail but could benefit from more examples or statistics to strengthen the point.
- How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point made. For instance, discussing specific emotional responses to live performances versus televised events could enhance the argument. Additionally, using comparative phrases to highlight the differences in experiences would help in extending and supporting the ideas more effectively.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the enjoyment of live performances versus watching on television. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, particularly when discussing costs without tying it back to the enjoyment aspect. The mention of specific costs is relevant, but it should be more directly linked to how these costs impact the overall enjoyment of the experience.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of enjoyment. It may be helpful to frame cost arguments within the context of the enjoyment experience, such as discussing how financial burden can detract from the enjoyment of attending live events. Keeping a clear line of reasoning that ties all points back to the main argument will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The writer begins by stating their position and then provides arguments supporting both sides of the debate. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the enjoyment of live performances to the cost comparison feels abrupt. The first body paragraph focuses on the emotional experience of live performances, while the second shifts to financial considerations without a clear connection.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer could use transitional phrases to link ideas more effectively. For example, after discussing the enjoyment of live performances, a sentence like "On the other hand, there are significant financial implications to consider" could serve as a smoother transition to the next point about costs. Additionally, maintaining a consistent focus within each paragraph would strengthen the overall coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph addressing a distinct aspect of the argument. However, the first paragraph could be further divided to separate the discussion of enjoyment from the explanation of the experience. This would allow for a clearer focus on each point. The conclusion reiterates the main argument but could be more impactful if it briefly summarized the key points made in the body.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, the writer should ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea supported by relevant details. For instance, the first paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on the enjoyment of live performances and the other on the immersive experience. This would provide clarity and allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "However," and "Meanwhile," to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas could be clearer. For example, the phrase "Meanwhile" is used to introduce a contrasting idea, but it does not effectively convey the relationship between the two points being discussed.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, using "In contrast," "On the contrary," or "Additionally" can help clarify the relationships between different ideas. Furthermore, ensuring that each cohesive device is appropriately placed will enhance the overall flow of the essay. For instance, instead of starting a new sentence with "However," the writer could use it to connect the end of one sentence to the beginning of another, thereby improving coherence.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraphing, and the use of cohesive devices would enhance the overall clarity and effectiveness of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "enjoyment," "pleasure," "exorbitant," and "immersive atmosphere." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat limited and repetitive, particularly in phrases like "watching performances live" and "watching on television." The essay could benefit from more varied expressions to convey similar ideas, which would enhance the overall richness of the language.
- How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should consider using synonyms and related phrases. For instance, instead of repeating "watching performances live," alternatives such as "attending live events" or "experiencing performances in person" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more descriptive adjectives and adverbs could help paint a clearer picture and engage the reader more effectively.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary is used correctly, there are instances of imprecise usage that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "direct communication with them" is vague and could be misinterpreted; it would be clearer to specify that this refers to the audience’s ability to see and hear performers directly. Additionally, the term "exorbitant" is used correctly, but its context could be better clarified to enhance understanding.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on context and clarity. For example, instead of saying "direct communication with them," the writer could say "experience the performers’ energy and expressions firsthand." This not only clarifies the meaning but also enriches the sentence. Furthermore, ensuring that all terms are used in their correct context will help improve overall precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "amout" instead of "amount," "transportations" instead of "transportation," and "themself" instead of "themselves." These errors indicate a lack of attention to detail and can distract the reader from the content of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should implement proofreading strategies, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools before submission. Additionally, practicing spelling common words and terms related to the topic can help reinforce correct spelling in future writing. Keeping a list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future IELTS writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of "When watching a live performance, concert-goers can look at idols in real life, direct communication with them" shows an attempt to combine clauses, although it lacks grammatical accuracy. The essay also includes phrases like "I personally do not entirely accept this," which adds to the range. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as starting multiple sentences with "watching," which can make the writing feel monotonous.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider using more varied introductory phrases or clauses. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "watching," try starting sentences with adverbial phrases (e.g., "In contrast," "Furthermore," "While some argue…"). Incorporating more complex sentences that effectively use subordinate clauses can also enhance the overall variety.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "direct communication with them" is a fragment and should be connected to the main clause for clarity. Additionally, "immersive atmosphere" should be "immersed in an emerging atmosphere," which is grammatically correct. There are also punctuation errors, such as missing commas in compound sentences and incorrect spacing before punctuation marks (e.g., "exorbitant than watching on screen.Watching" should have a space after "screen.").
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on sentence structure and ensure that all clauses are complete. Review the use of conjunctions to connect ideas properly. For punctuation, practice using commas to separate clauses and ensure proper spacing. Reading the essay aloud can help identify areas where punctuation is needed for clarity. Additionally, consider revising sentences for clarity and grammatical correctness, such as rephrasing "to watch a live performance concert-goers have to spend a huge amount of money" to "concert-goers must spend a significant amount of money to attend a live performance."

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some people claim that watching a live performance offers greater enjoyment and satisfaction than watching the same event on television. However, I personally do not fully concur with this statement, and I will explain why in this essay.

Firstly, I believe watching performances live can help viewers retain numerous valuable experiences. When watching a live performance, concert-goers can observe idols in person and engage in direct communication with them. For example, if audiences go to a concert program, they will see their idols demonstrate before their eyes, or when spectators go to watch sports, they will be able to attend a match. Watching it enables viewers to immerse themselves in an emerging atmosphere. Meanwhile, viewing on television makes it impossible for viewers to experience all the joy of watching a live performance.

However, I believe watching live performances is more exorbitant than watching on screen. Watching on the TV screen will help viewers save costs by avoiding expenses for tickets and transportation. Meanwhile, to watch a live performance, concert-goers have to spend a significant amount of money, up to 10 million VND or even 100 million VND, for entrance tickets, travel expenses, and other peripheral costs. For instance, to go to a concert, audiences must spend approximately 10 million VND on tickets, meals, transportation, and hotel rentals. While at home, viewers can still watch it without having to pay for tickets or extra fees like those incurred when watching a performance live.

In conclusion, I reiterate my disagreement with the opinion stating that going to a live performance is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television because it can help viewers retain many valuable experiences. However, I believe watching live performances is more exorbitant than watching on screen.