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The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age group who did regular physical activity in 2010.
The graph shows gives information about the number of Australian men and women in different age group who did regular physical activity in 2010.
Overall, the number of female doing regular is more than that of male in four out of six categories. While for men, the highest figure is 15 to 24 ages, for girl, the highest figure is 45 to 54 ages.
In term of 25 to 34, the percentage for women is 48,9% while that of men is 42,2%. While the number of men who are regularly physically active sharply decreased to about 39,5%, that of women a dramatic growth to 52,5% between the ages of 35 to 44. 53,3% of female doing regular physical activity of ages 45 to 54 in comparison with the figure for male, at 43,1%. The percentage of women doing regular physical activity at around 53% during ages 55 to 64. Similarly, that of men increasing to 45,1%.
There are 52,8% men doing regular physical activity. Meanwhile, that of women is 47,7%. The proportion of women doing regular physical activity aged 65 to over, however, significantly decreased and became equal to that of men counterparts in the same ages.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

1. "The bar chart below shows" -> "The bar chart provided illustrates"
   Explanation: "Illustrates" is a more formal and precise term to describe presenting data in a visual form.
2. "different age group" -> "various age groups"
   Explanation: "Various" is a more sophisticated synonym for "different," enhancing the vocabulary choice.
3. "who did regular physical activity" -> "engaging in regular physical activity"
   Explanation: "Engaging in" is a more descriptive and active phrase compared to "doing," adding clarity and specificity to the sentence.
4. "number of female doing regular is more than that of male" -> "the number of females engaging in regular physical activity surpasses that of males"
   Explanation: "Surpasses" is a more precise verb choice than "is more than," and "females" and "males" are more formal alternatives to "girl" and "male."
5. "the highest figure is 15 to 24 ages" -> "the highest percentage is observed in the 15 to 24 age group"
   Explanation: "Observed" adds a more formal tone, and "percentage" is a more appropriate term for describing data on a chart.
6. "In term of 25 to 34" -> "Regarding the 25 to 34 age group"
   Explanation: "Regarding" is a more formal and precise phrase to introduce discussion about a specific demographic category.
7. "the percentage for women is 48,9%" -> "the percentage of women is 48.9%"
   Explanation: In English, decimals are indicated with a period (.) rather than a comma (,).
8. "While the number of men who are regularly physically active sharply decreased" -> "Conversely, the proportion of physically active men sharply declined"
   Explanation: "Conversely" provides a smoother transition, and "proportion" is a more accurate term when discussing percentages.
9. "dramatic growth to 52,5%" -> "dramatically increased to 52.5%"
   Explanation: "Increased" is a more precise verb choice, and percentages are typically written using decimals in English.
10. "female doing regular physical activity of ages 45 to 54" -> "females engaging in regular physical activity aged 45 to 54"
    Explanation: Using "females" instead of "female" is more grammatically correct, and "aged" is a more formal alternative to "of ages."
11. "at around 53%" -> "approximately 53%"
    Explanation: "Approximately" adds precision to the statement, indicating that the figure is not exact but close to 53%.
12. "Similarly, that of men increasing to 45,1%" -> "Likewise, the proportion of men increased to 45.1%"
    Explanation: "Likewise" provides a smoother transition, and "proportion" is a more accurate term when discussing percentages.
13. "There are 52,8% men doing regular physical activity" -> "The percentage of men engaging in regular physical activity is 52.8%"
    Explanation: This revision provides a more grammatically correct structure for stating percentages.
14. "that of women is 47,7%" -> "the corresponding figure for women is 47.7%"
    Explanation: "Corresponding figure" adds clarity by indicating that the percentage refers to women’s engagement in physical activity.
15. "significantly decreased and became equal to" -> "decreased significantly and equaled"
    Explanation: Placing "significantly" before "decreased" provides a clearer emphasis, and "equaled" is a more concise alternative to "became equal to."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay addresses the requirements of the task by presenting an overview of the data provided in the bar chart. It appropriately selects information to discuss the percentages of Australian men and women engaging in regular physical activity across different age groups in 2010. Key features, such as the comparison between male and female percentages and trends across age groups, are highlighted.

However, the essay lacks full development and coherence. Some details are inaccurately presented or unclear, affecting the overall clarity of the response. For instance, the sentence structure is often awkward, leading to confusion in understanding certain points. Additionally, there are minor grammatical errors and repetitions that detract from the overall quality of the essay.

How to improve:
To improve, focus on enhancing the clarity and coherence of the essay by refining sentence structures and eliminating unnecessary repetitions. Ensure that all details presented are accurate and relevant to the discussion. Additionally, strive for a more cohesive flow of ideas to enhance readability and comprehension. Finally, proofread the essay carefully to correct any grammatical errors and improve overall fluency.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Thank you for providing the essay. Here’s the band score for the Coherence and Cohesion criteria based on the band descriptor:

Band Score: 5

Explanation:
The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. Although paragraphing is used, it’s somewhat inconsistent, and the logical flow isn’t entirely clear. Cohesive devices such as transitions and referencing are present, but their use is sometimes repetitive or inaccurate. Additionally, the paragraphing is inadequate at times, with some redundancy and overlapping information.

How to improve:
To achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion, consider the following:

• Improve Paragraphing: Create distinct paragraphs with clear topic sentences and logical progression of ideas. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single central topic.
• Use Cohesive Devices Effectively: Employ a wider range of cohesive devices (like conjunctions and transitions) to connect sentences and paragraphs logically. Avoid repetitive or mechanical use of these devices.
• Ensure Clear Referencing: Use clear and appropriate referencing when referring to data points or ideas. This helps maintain the coherence of the text.
• Create a Logical Flow: Establish a clear progression from one point to the next. Organize information in a way that guides the reader through the analysis or explanation.

By addressing these areas, the essay can demonstrate improved coherence and cohesion, leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation:
The essay provided demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that just meets the basic requirements of the task. The writer uses simple and sometimes repetitive vocabulary to describe the data from the chart. There are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation, such as "for girl, the highest figure is 45 to 54 ages" instead of "for women" or "in the age group of 45 to 54 years". Additionally, there are significant errors in word formation and/or spelling that cause some difficulty in understanding the essay, as seen in "female doing regular" and "number of female doing regular is more than that of male". These errors occasionally hinder the clarity of the message, aligning the essay more closely with Band 5 descriptors.

How to improve:
To improve the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range to include more varied and precise terminology appropriate for describing statistical data and trends. Practice using synonyms effectively and avoid repetitive phrases to make the description more engaging and accurate. Additionally, attention to grammatical structure and agreement (e.g., "female" vs. "females", "girl" vs. "women") will help in making the narrative more professional and easier to understand. Engaging with exercises that target word formation and spelling will also be beneficial to avoid errors that can confuse the reader.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay attempts to use a variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. However, there are several grammatical errors and instances of awkward phrasing throughout the essay that hinder clarity and fluency. While some complex structures are attempted, they are often less accurate than simpler sentences. The essay’s overall organization and coherence could also be improved for better readability.

How to improve:

1. Work on sentence structure variety, incorporating more complex structures with greater accuracy.
2. Pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency to reduce grammatical errors.
3. Review and revise awkward phrasing to improve clarity and coherence.
4. Ensure that information is presented in a logical and organized manner for better flow and readability.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar chart illustrates the proportion of Australian men and women across various age groups who engaged in regular physical activity in the year 2010.

It is evident from the chart that, overall, a higher percentage of females participated in regular physical activity compared to males in four out of six age categories. Specifically, the age group with the highest participation among males was 15 to 24, whereas for females, it was 45 to 54.

In the 25 to 34 age bracket, the percentage of females engaging in regular physical activity stood at 48.9%, while for males, it was slightly lower at 42.2%. Notably, there was a sharp decline in the percentage of physically active males to approximately 39.5% between the ages of 35 to 44, whereas there was a remarkable increase among females to 52.5% in the same age range. Moreover, 53.3% of females aged 45 to 54 were involved in regular physical activity, surpassing the figure for males, which stood at 43.1%. The trend continued with around 53% of females and 45.1% of males engaging in regular physical activity during the ages of 55 to 64.

The data further indicates that 52.8% of males participated in regular physical activity, slightly exceeding the percentage of females at 47.7%. However, the proportion of females aged 65 and over engaging in regular physical activity witnessed a significant decline, equating to that of their male counterparts in the same age group.