5. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Watching television is bad for children. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

We live in an age when many children spend most of their free time watching TV. I strongly agree with the opinion that watching television is bad for children.
First of all, it affects children's physical health, such as sitting and watching TV for a long time makes the body sedentary, leading to the accumulation of excess fat, and increasing the risk of obesity, diabetes, and cardiovascular.
In addition, blue light emitted from TV screens can cause eye fatigue and dry eyes, leading to nearsightedness and astigmatism over time. Not only that, but exposure to blue light before sleeping also makes the body reduce melatonin – a hormone regulating sleep, leading to difficulty sleeping, sleeping without deep sleep, affecting health and mental.
Next, watching TV too much for a long time may have bad influences on humans mentally. It can make people addicted, and neglect other activities such as studying, working, and social communication. In addition, this may cause people to stifle imagination and creative thinking can lead to a decline in creative ability.
In conclusion, Children need activity and communication to grow up healthy and happy. That is why parents should control children’s screen time.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"I strongly agree with the opinion" -> "I concur with the viewpoint"
Explanation: "Concur" is a more formal and precise term than "agree," and "viewpoint" is a more academic term than "opinion," enhancing the formality of the statement.
"watching television is bad for children" -> "television viewing is detrimental to children"
Explanation: "Detrimental" is a more precise and formal adjective than "bad," and "television viewing" is a more formal phrase than "watching television."
"sitting and watching TV for a long time makes the body sedentary" -> "prolonged sitting while watching television renders the body sedentary"
Explanation: "Prolonged sitting" is a more precise term than "sitting for a long time," and "renders" is a more formal verb than "makes," aligning better with academic style.
"the accumulation of excess fat" -> "the accumulation of excess body fat"
Explanation: Adding "body" clarifies that the fat refers to body fat, which is more specific and appropriate in a medical or health context.
"increasing the risk of obesity, diabetes, and cardiovascular" -> "increasing the risk of obesity, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease"
Explanation: Adding "disease" after "cardiovascular" specifies the type of disease being referred to, enhancing clarity and precision.
"blue light emitted from TV screens" -> "blue light emitted by television screens"
Explanation: "By" is more precise than "from" in this context, indicating the source of the blue light more accurately.
"leading to nearsightedness and astigmatism over time" -> "potentially leading to nearsightedness and astigmatism over time"
Explanation: Adding "potentially" softens the statement, making it more cautious and academically appropriate, as it acknowledges the possibility rather than certainty.
"makes the body reduce melatonin" -> "reduces melatonin production in the body"
Explanation: "Reduces melatonin production" is a more precise and scientifically accurate phrase than "makes the body reduce melatonin."
"sleeping without deep sleep" -> "sleep deprivation"
Explanation: "Sleep deprivation" is a more formal and medically recognized term than "sleeping without deep sleep."
"Children need activity and communication to grow up healthy and happy" -> "Children require physical activity and social interaction to develop healthily and maintain happiness"
Explanation: "Require" and "develop healthily" are more precise and formal than "need" and "grow up healthy," and "social interaction" is a more specific term than "communication."
"That is why parents should control children’s screen time" -> "Therefore, parents should regulate children’s screen time"
Explanation: "Therefore" is a more formal transitional word than "That is why," and "regulate" is a more precise term than "control" in this context, fitting better with the formal tone of the essay.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by agreeing that watching television is bad for children. However, it lacks a comprehensive exploration of the topic. While it mentions physical and mental health concerns, it does not sufficiently elaborate on these points or consider counterarguments. For instance, the essay could have included examples of educational programs that can benefit children, which would provide a more balanced view.
- How to improve: To better address all parts of the question, the writer should expand on the negative effects of television while also acknowledging any potential benefits. Including specific examples or statistics to support claims would strengthen the argument and demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The position is stated clearly in the introduction and maintained throughout the essay. However, the lack of depth in supporting arguments makes the stance appear somewhat superficial. For example, while the essay mentions the negative impacts of blue light, it does not explain why this is particularly harmful to children compared to adults.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should ensure that each point made directly supports the main argument. This can be achieved by providing more detailed explanations and linking back to the thesis statement in each paragraph, reinforcing the central claim.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the negative impacts of television, such as physical health issues and mental health concerns. However, these ideas are not fully developed or supported with specific examples. For instance, the mention of obesity lacks statistical evidence or real-life examples to illustrate the point effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with specific examples, anecdotes, or data. This could involve discussing studies that show the correlation between screen time and health issues or providing examples of how excessive TV watching has affected children in real scenarios.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the negative aspects of television for children. However, there are moments where the arguments could be more tightly focused. For example, the discussion about blue light and its effects could be more directly tied to how these effects specifically impact children’s development.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point made is directly relevant to the prompt. This can be achieved by consistently linking back to the main argument in each paragraph and avoiding any tangential discussions that do not directly support the thesis.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic but lacks depth and comprehensive support for its claims. By expanding on ideas, providing specific examples, and ensuring a more balanced discussion, the writer can improve their score significantly.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance on the issue, beginning with an introduction that outlines the writer’s agreement with the statement. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, such as physical health and mental well-being. However, the transition between points could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing physical health to mental health lacks a clear linking sentence, which could help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas between paragraphs. For example, at the end of the first paragraph, a sentence like "Moreover, the impact of excessive television viewing extends beyond physical health to mental well-being" would create a clearer transition to the next point.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct argument. However, the conclusion feels somewhat abrupt and could benefit from a more developed summary of the main points discussed. The current conclusion does not fully encapsulate the arguments made in the body paragraphs.
- How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by briefly summarizing the key points made in the essay. For instance, you could restate the negative impacts on both physical and mental health before reinforcing the call to action for parents. This would provide a more cohesive end to the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first of all" and "in addition," which help to structure the points. However, there is a limited variety of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. For instance, the repeated use of "in addition" could be replaced with alternatives like "furthermore" or "moreover" to enhance the richness of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. Additionally, using pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned ideas can help maintain coherence. For example, instead of repeating "watching TV," you could use "this activity" or "such behavior" in subsequent references.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to a stronger overall argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "sedentary," "accumulation," "nearsightedness," and "melatonin." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "watching TV" and "bad for children," which could be varied to enhance the overall richness of the language.
- How to improve: To improve, consider using synonyms or related phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly saying "watching TV," you could use "viewing television programs" or "engaging with screen media." Additionally, introducing more advanced vocabulary related to health and psychology could elevate the essay’s lexical range.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are instances where word choice could be more accurate. For example, the phrase "affecting health and mental" is vague and could be better articulated as "affecting both physical and mental health." Furthermore, the term "bad influences" is somewhat informal and could be replaced with "adverse effects" for a more academic tone.
- How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that conveys your ideas more clearly. For example, instead of "bad influences," you might say "negative impacts" or "detrimental effects." Additionally, ensure that phrases are grammatically correct and complete, such as "affecting both physical and mental health" instead of "affecting health and mental."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally good level of spelling accuracy, with only minor errors. However, there are a few instances that could be improved, such as "sleeping without deep sleep," which could be more clearly expressed as "experiencing poor quality sleep." The term "cardiovascular" is used without a noun, which could lead to confusion.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, practice writing frequently and utilize spell-check tools. Additionally, reading more academic texts can help familiarize you with correct spelling and usage in context. Consider revising sentences for clarity and grammatical correctness to avoid confusion, such as rephrasing "cardiovascular" to "cardiovascular diseases" for clarity.

By addressing these areas, you can work towards enhancing your lexical resource and potentially achieving a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "exposure to blue light before sleeping also makes the body reduce melatonin – a hormone regulating sleep." However, the essay primarily relies on simple and compound sentences, which limits the overall range. The use of transitional phrases like "first of all" and "in addition" helps in structuring the argument but could be enhanced with more varied connectors and introductory phrases.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences and varying the placement of clauses. For example, instead of starting sentences with conjunctions like "In addition," try beginning with dependent clauses: "Although watching television can be entertaining, it poses significant risks to children’s health." This not only adds variety but also enhances the sophistication of the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, "increasing the risk of obesity, diabetes, and cardiovascular" is incomplete; it should specify "cardiovascular diseases." Additionally, the phrase "sleeping without deep sleep" is awkward and could be rephrased for clarity. Punctuation errors, such as missing commas in complex sentences, can disrupt the flow and clarity of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and ensure that all phrases are complete. For instance, revise "leading to the accumulation of excess fat, and increasing the risk of obesity, diabetes, and cardiovascular" to "leading to the accumulation of excess fat and increasing the risk of obesity, diabetes, and cardiovascular diseases." Regularly practicing sentence combining and reviewing punctuation rules will also help improve overall accuracy.

By addressing these areas of improvement, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

We live in an age where many children spend a significant portion of their free time watching television. I strongly concur with the viewpoint that television viewing is detrimental to children.

First of all, it adversely affects children’s physical health. Prolonged sitting while watching television renders the body sedentary, leading to the accumulation of excess body fat and increasing the risk of obesity, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease.

In addition, the blue light emitted by television screens can cause eye fatigue and dry eyes, potentially leading to nearsightedness and astigmatism over time. Furthermore, exposure to blue light before sleeping reduces melatonin production in the body, which can result in sleep deprivation and disrupt overall health and mental well-being.

Next, excessive television viewing can have negative influences on children’s mental health. It can lead to addiction and cause them to neglect other important activities such as studying, working, and social interaction. Moreover, this overexposure to screens may stifle imagination and creative thinking, ultimately resulting in a decline in their creative abilities.

In conclusion, children require physical activity and social interaction to develop healthily and maintain happiness. Therefore, parents should regulate children’s screen time to ensure a balanced lifestyle.