Write an essay of about 300 words on the following topic. Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Write an essay of about 300 words on the following topic.
Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

In contemporary society, there has been a polarization of the public opinion that whether the young should be encouraged to embrace competition or cooperation. While being competitive is an integral part, a growing number of individuals voice their concerns on its impacts. This essay shall scrutinize both points of view before a reasonable conclusion on why co-operation among youths is of greater benefit could be altogether drawn.

On the one hand, rivalry, at first, can be valuable. To commence with, the more competitive students might be, the more constant pressure they burden. Therefore, they tend to exert themself more to triumph over their peers. By this way, competition would be a powerful boost of motivation which enhance students’ ambition, efforts and independence. Competition, additionally, helps students develop their autodidactic learning style and build their self-confidence. To exemplify, students who achieve important success in a competitive environment would take pride in their capacities, creating wonderful academic performance. As a consequence, rivalry plays a pivotal role in fostering competence, which is a boon for society development.

Nevertheless, I would subscribe to the view that youths should be cooperative rather than competitive. Regarding education, collaboration among students would improve class outcomes. In the sense that students who are co-operative tend to show a combination of their skills and expertise, which induces more useful initiatives in solving problems and foster a collaborative work environment. This could better their hospitable behaviors and academic proficiency likewise.For instance, this could foster a sense of respect and admiration among teenagers which encourage the formation of reciprocally beneficial relationships with one another. The result of this trend is greater accomplishments. Co-operation, furthermore, enhances youths’ interpersonal social skills including leadership, communication, trust-building, teamwork and empathy. By contrast, students who pursue competitiveness would experience several limitations to improve their skills and proficiency. On the grounds that collaboration yields valuable merits to education, it would be an advantageous aspect that appears beneficial to the development of society in the long run.

To encapsulate, while rivalry offers particular merits, nonetheless, the benefits of cooperation far predominate and thus, today’s generations should be inspired to embrace collaboration which renders them more useful adults.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "In contemporary society, there has been a polarization of the public opinion that whether" -> "In contemporary society, public opinion is polarized regarding whether"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and overly wordy. The suggested revision streamlines the sentence, making it more direct and academically appropriate.

2. "being competitive is an integral part" -> "competitiveness is an integral aspect"
   Explanation: The phrase "being competitive" is somewhat informal and vague. Replacing it with "competitiveness" and changing "part" to "aspect" enhances precision and formality.

3. "a growing number of individuals voice their concerns on its impacts" -> "an increasing number of individuals express concerns regarding its impacts"
   Explanation: "Voice their concerns on" is slightly informal and less precise. "Express concerns regarding" is more formal and fits better in an academic context.

4. "This essay shall scrutinize" -> "This essay will examine"
   Explanation: While "scrutinize" is not incorrect, "examine" is more commonly used in academic writing when introducing the purpose of an essay. Additionally, "shall" can feel archaic; "will" is more contemporary and still formal.

5. "the more constant pressure they burden" -> "the greater constant pressure they bear"
   Explanation: "Burden" as used here is awkward and incorrect. "Bear" is the appropriate verb for indicating carrying or withstanding pressure.

6. "exert themself" -> "exert themselves"
   Explanation: "Themself" is informal and not widely accepted in formal academic writing. "Themselves" is the correct reflexive pronoun to use in this context.

7. "By this way" -> "In this way"
   Explanation: "By this way" is not standard English usage. "In this way" is the correct phrase and is more formal.

8. "which enhance students’ ambition" -> "which enhances students’ ambition"
   Explanation: Subject-verb agreement error. The subject "competition" is singular, so the verb should be "enhances."

9. "important success" -> "significant achievements"
   Explanation: "Important success" is vague and slightly informal. "Significant achievements" is more precise and academically appropriate.

10. "creating wonderful academic performance" -> "yielding excellent academic performance"
    Explanation: "Wonderful" is too informal and subjective for academic writing. "Yielding" is more precise than "creating," and "excellent" is a more suitable adjective in this context.

11. "hospitable behaviors" -> "positive behaviors"
    Explanation: "Hospitable" is not the correct term in this context as it specifically relates to welcoming guests. "Positive behaviors" is more relevant to the discussion of academic and social skills.

12. "likewise" -> "as well"
    Explanation: "Likewise" is not used correctly in this context. "As well" is more appropriate for indicating an addition to the previous point.

13. "reciprocally beneficial relationships" -> "mutually beneficial relationships"
    Explanation: "Reciprocally" is not incorrect but is less common and slightly awkward here. "Mutually beneficial" is the standard term and more natural in academic writing.

14. "predominate" -> "predominate over"
    Explanation: The verb "predominate" should be followed by "over" when used to indicate dominance or superiority in comparison.

15. "renders them more useful adults" -> "makes them more effective adults"
    Explanation: "Renders them more useful adults" is awkward and slightly demeaning by implying usefulness as the primary trait. "Makes them more effective adults" is more respectful and precise, focusing on their effectiveness rather than their utility.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both perspectives outlined in the prompt. It discusses the merits of competition and cooperation in youth development and offers a personal opinion.
  • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, ensure that each viewpoint is thoroughly explored and supported with specific examples. Additionally, explicitly stating the personal opinion in the introduction or conclusion can improve clarity.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance favoring cooperation over competition. This position is consistently upheld throughout the essay.
  • How to improve: To strengthen clarity, provide more explicit transitions between paragraphs and reinforce the central argument in each section.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas on competition and cooperation adequately, providing examples and explanations to support each viewpoint.
  • How to improve: To improve, consider offering more nuanced examples and deeper analysis of how competition and cooperation impact youth development. Additionally, ensure that each idea is connected logically to the main argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, discussing the merits of competition versus cooperation in youth development.
  • How to improve: To stay more focused, avoid tangential discussions and ensure that every point made directly relates to the topic of competition and cooperation among children.

Overall, the essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both perspectives and offering a clear stance supported by examples. To improve, focus on providing more comprehensive analysis and ensuring that all ideas directly contribute to the central argument. Additionally, enhancing clarity and staying more focused on the topic will further strengthen the essay’s coherence and effectiveness.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt at organization, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are instances where the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition between discussing the benefits of competition and cooperation could be smoother. Additionally, the repetition of points within the paragraphs affects the overall coherence.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and transitions smoothly to the next. Avoid repetition of points and consider using clearer topic sentences to guide the reader through the essay’s argument.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay does utilize paragraphs effectively, providing separation between different ideas. However, the structure within paragraphs could be improved. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear delineation, affecting readability and coherence.
  • How to improve: Focus on developing each paragraph around a single central idea. Use topic sentences to introduce the main point of each paragraph, followed by supporting details and examples. Ensure that there is a clear transition between paragraphs to maintain coherence and flow.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates cohesive devices such as transitional phrases ("On the one hand," "Nevertheless," "To encapsulate") to connect ideas and signal shifts in argument. However, there is limited variety in cohesive devices used, and some are overused or misapplied, impacting the overall cohesion.
  • How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used, including conjunctions, transitional adverbs, and pronouns. Ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to clarify relationships between ideas and improve overall coherence. Varying sentence structures can also contribute to better cohesion and readability.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable effort in utilizing a range of vocabulary. Phrases such as "polarization of public opinion," "integral part," "constant pressure," "autodidactic learning style," "reciprocally beneficial relationships," and "useful initiatives" showcase lexical variety. However, some repetition and simplistic language can be observed, limiting the depth of lexical resource.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, aim for greater diversity in vocabulary by incorporating synonyms and advanced terms where appropriate. Additionally, focus on using more nuanced language to convey ideas, avoiding repetition and employing sophisticated expressions to enrich the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of precise and imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, phrases like "integral part" and "constant pressure" are precise in conveying specific meanings. However, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "boon for society development" and "hospitable behaviors," which could benefit from clearer terminology.
  • How to improve: Aim for precision by selecting words that precisely convey intended meanings. Avoid vague or ambiguous terms, opting instead for language that succinctly articulates concepts. Review and refine word choices to ensure accuracy and clarity throughout the essay.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally satisfactory, with no glaring errors observed. However, there are minor issues, such as "themself" instead of "themselves" and "students’ capacities" instead of "students’ capabilities." These minor errors slightly detract from overall spelling accuracy.
  • How to improve: Enhance spelling accuracy through diligent proofreading and attention to detail. Utilize spell-checking tools and review essays systematically to identify and correct any spelling errors. Additionally, practice spelling commonly misspelled words to reinforce accuracy in written expression.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a commendable effort in utilizing vocabulary and maintaining spelling accuracy, there is room for improvement in terms of lexical diversity, precision, and meticulousness in spelling. By incorporating a wider range of vocabulary, using terminology precisely, and ensuring consistent spelling accuracy, the essay can elevate its lexical resource and enhance overall effectiveness in communication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For instance, the author employs complex sentences like "While being competitive is an integral part, a growing number of individuals voice their concerns on its impacts," showcasing the ability to combine clauses effectively. Additionally, the essay utilizes compound sentences such as "This essay shall scrutinize both points of view before a reasonable conclusion on why co-operation among youths is of greater benefit could be altogether drawn," exhibiting the skill to link independent clauses cohesively. Furthermore, the use of rhetorical questions ("To encapsulate, while rivalry offers particular merits, nonetheless, the benefits of cooperation far predominate…") adds rhetorical flair to the writing, enhancing its overall effectiveness.
  • How to improve: To further enrich the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex compound-complex sentences to add depth and sophistication to the essay. Additionally, experimenting with varied sentence beginnings and lengths can enhance the overall readability and engagement of the essay.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a proficient command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances of minor grammatical errors and punctuation inconsistencies throughout the text. For example, there are occasional errors in subject-verb agreement ("the more competitive students might be, the more constant pressure they burden") and punctuation misuse (e.g., missing comma after introductory phrases: "In contemporary society, there has been a polarization of the public opinion…"). While these errors do not significantly impede comprehension, they slightly detract from the essay’s overall clarity and precision.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is advisable to review and revise the essay carefully, paying close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and punctuation rules. Utilizing grammar-checking tools and seeking feedback from peers or educators can also help identify and rectify any lingering errors. Additionally, practicing sentence structure variation can indirectly aid in refining grammatical accuracy by allowing for a more nuanced understanding of syntax and grammar rules.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, public opinion is polarized regarding whether competitiveness is an integral aspect for children or if fostering cooperation yields more useful adults. This essay will examine both perspectives and argue for the benefits of cooperation among youths.

On one hand, competition can initially be valuable. The pressure of competition can motivate students to exert themselves more, leading to greater ambition and independence. Additionally, competition can help students develop their self-confidence and autodidactic learning style. For example, students who achieve significant success in a competitive environment often demonstrate excellent academic performance, which is beneficial for societal development.

However, I am inclined to believe that cooperation is more advantageous for youths. Collaborative efforts among students can improve overall class outcomes by leveraging a combination of skills and expertise. This collaborative environment fosters problem-solving initiatives and a sense of respect and admiration among peers, leading to mutually beneficial relationships. Cooperation also enhances interpersonal skills such as leadership, communication, trust-building, teamwork, and empathy. In contrast, a focus on competitiveness may limit opportunities for skill development and proficiency improvement.

In conclusion, while competition offers certain merits, the benefits of cooperation outweigh them. Encouraging collaboration among youths not only fosters academic proficiency but also nurtures essential social skills necessary for effective adulthood. Therefore, promoting cooperation should be prioritized to ensure the holistic development of today’s youth.