In some countries, parents expect their children to spend long time studying both in and after school and have less free time. What are the positive and negative effects on children and society they live in?

It is widely recognized that children are expected to participate in both in and after formal study instead of spending their leisure time. In my opinion, this perspective is entirely incorrect, and I will demonstrate my viewpoint in the following paragraphs.
On the one hand, those who support this viewpoint claim that dividing children’s time into academic work practices endurance and discipline, due to the naughty personality, which is a framework for them when engaging in the labor market. However, this thinking fails to acknowledge that kids are too childish to be aware of these virtuoses, exacerbating their mentality, raising psychological disorers and suicides. This is especially true in the case of Chu Van An secondary school in Vietnam, as students have to participate in extra classes to prepare the high school for gifted students’ entrance tests, which not only innovates a competitive environment but also increases depression and autism in juveniles.
On the other hand, the entertainment limitation compels minors to develop various life skills and social interaction. By escaping the leisure time, parents are indirectly interrupting relationships, which is a children’s background when they cooperate in occupation in the future. Evidence for this can be seen in the case of many Vietnamese families, as parents force their kids not to hang out with their peers since they concern that their kids would imitate social evils such as child mariage or rape, which children would afraid of facing challenges and hurdles.
In conclusion, I am convinced that spending time learning academic knowledge stifles the development and children’s relationship. Therefore, it is crucial that parents should encourage their kids, experiencing a sensible demographic, to participate in outdoor activities to approach society comprehensively.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"children are expected to participate in both in and after formal study" -> "children are expected to engage in both during and after formal education"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revised version clarifies the temporal context and uses more formal language suitable for academic writing.
"spending their leisure time" -> "utilizing their free time"
Explanation: "Utilizing" is more formal and precise than "spending," which is somewhat colloquial for academic writing.
"this perspective is entirely incorrect" -> "this perspective is entirely misguided"
Explanation: "Misguided" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "incorrect," which can imply a stronger negative connotation.
"dividing children’s time into academic work practices endurance and discipline" -> "allocating children’s time to academic work, endurance, and discipline"
Explanation: "Allocating" is more specific and formal than "dividing," and the addition of commas improves readability and clarity.
"naughty personality" -> "misbehaving tendencies"
Explanation: "Misbehaving tendencies" is a more formal and precise term than "naughty personality," which is too informal and vague for academic writing.
"virtuoses" -> "virtues"
Explanation: "Virtues" is the correct term, whereas "virtuoses" is a typographical error.
"psychological disorers" -> "psychological disorders"
Explanation: "Disorders" is the correct term, whereas "disorers" is a typographical error.
"innovates a competitive environment" -> "creates a competitive environment"
Explanation: "Creates" is the correct verb to use in this context, as "innovates" is not appropriate here.
"entertainment limitation" -> "limited entertainment"
Explanation: "Limited entertainment" is grammatically correct and clearer than "entertainment limitation."
"compels minors to develop various life skills and social interaction" -> "compels minors to develop various life skills and engage in social interactions"
Explanation: "Engage in social interactions" is more precise and formal than "social interaction," which is vague and less specific.
"escaping the leisure time" -> "avoiding leisure activities"
Explanation: "Avoiding leisure activities" is clearer and more formal than "escaping the leisure time."
"interrupting relationships" -> "interrupting social relationships"
Explanation: Adding "social" clarifies the type of relationships being referred to, enhancing precision.
"children’s background when they cooperate in occupation" -> "children’s foundation for future professional collaborations"
Explanation: "Foundation for future professional collaborations" is more specific and formal than "children’s background when they cooperate in occupation."
"children would afraid of facing challenges and hurdles" -> "children are afraid of facing challenges and hurdles"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error and uses the correct form of "afraid."
"spending time learning academic knowledge stifles" -> "dedicating time to academic learning stifles"
Explanation: "Dedicating time to academic learning" is more formal and precise than "spending time learning academic knowledge."
"sensible demographic" -> "sensible age group"
Explanation: "Age group" is the correct term, whereas "demographic" refers to a broader statistical classification.
"to participate in outdoor activities to approach society comprehensively" -> "to engage in outdoor activities to broaden their societal understanding"
Explanation: "Broaden their societal understanding" is more specific and academically appropriate than "approach society comprehensively," which is vague and less formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both the positive and negative effects of children spending extensive time studying at the expense of leisure. It mentions the benefits of discipline and skill development but focuses more on the negative impacts such as psychological disorders and social isolation.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide a more balanced discussion by giving equal weight to both positive and negative effects. Clear examples and evidence should be provided for each viewpoint, ensuring comprehensive coverage of the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance against children spending excessive time studying. This position is maintained throughout the essay, with consistent arguments against the practice.
- How to improve: While clarity is commendable, providing a nuanced perspective that acknowledges potential benefits before refuting them could strengthen the argument. This would demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic and enhance the essay’s overall balance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present ideas but often lacks coherence and clarity. There are instances of ideas being poorly developed, such as the link between academic pressure and psychological disorders.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation of ideas, the essay should use clear examples and provide detailed explanations to support each point. Developing each argument fully with specific evidence will strengthen the essay’s overall coherence and persuasiveness.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay struggles to stay focused on the topic. It introduces unrelated examples and occasionally deviates from discussing the effects on children and society.
- How to improve: It’s crucial to maintain a clear connection between each paragraph and the main topic. Avoiding tangents and ensuring that every example directly relates to the effects of children’s study habits will improve clarity and relevance.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a clear stance and attempts to address the essay prompt, there are significant areas for improvement in terms of providing balanced arguments, developing ideas coherently, and maintaining focus on the topic throughout. By refining these aspects, the essay could achieve a higher band score in Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic attempt at organization but lacks clear coherence in several instances. It opens with a clear thesis statement but transitions between ideas are abrupt, leading to disjointed paragraphs. For example, the shift from discussing positive effects to negative effects lacks a smooth transition, impacting the overall flow of ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the essay should use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to signal the main idea. Additionally, maintaining a consistent flow between paragraphs by using transitional phrases (e.g., "On the other hand," "Furthermore") can help readers follow the progression of ideas more smoothly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs but struggles with coherence within them. Paragraphs are not consistently focused on a single main idea, which hampers clarity. For instance, the second paragraph conflates multiple ideas without clear separation, such as discussing academic pressures and psychological impacts without a clear link.
- How to improve: Focus on developing each paragraph around a single central idea related to the prompt. Each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that previews the main point of that paragraph. This will help in maintaining coherence and making the essay easier to follow for the reader.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: Cohesive devices are sparingly used and not effectively integrated into the essay. While there are attempts at linking ideas (e.g., "on the one hand," "on the other hand"), their placement feels forced rather than natural, and there is a lack of variety in their usage.
- How to improve: Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices such as pronouns (e.g., "this," "these"), conjunctions (e.g., "furthermore," "consequently"), and transitional adverbs (e.g., "however," "therefore"). Ensure that these devices are used appropriately to connect ideas within and between paragraphs, improving the overall coherence of the essay.

Overall, while the essay shows potential in addressing the prompt with a clear stance and some attempt at structure, significant improvements are needed in organizing ideas logically, using effective paragraphing techniques, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices. By refining these aspects, the essay can achieve a higher coherence and cohesion score in future assessments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 3

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 3

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use varied vocabulary but struggles with accuracy and appropriateness. For example, phrases like "academic work practices endurance and discipline" and "to be aware of these virtuoses" are unclear and seem to misuse vocabulary.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, focus on using vocabulary that is precise and contextually accurate. Avoid using unfamiliar words or phrases incorrectly. Use synonyms and related terms appropriately. For instance, instead of "virtuoses," use "virtues" or "values" depending on the intended meaning.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage throughout the essay. For instance, "raising psychological disorers and suicides" should be "raising psychological disorders and suicidal tendencies." Additionally, "escaping the leisure time" should be "spending less leisure time."
- How to improve: Aim for clarity and precision in vocabulary use. Use words in their correct forms and ensure they convey the intended meaning accurately. Proofread to identify and correct any unclear or imprecise expressions.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: There are several spelling errors in the essay, such as "virtuoses" instead of "virtues," "disorers" instead of "disorders," "innovates" instead of "creates," and "occupation" instead of "occupation."
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider using spell-check tools and reviewing spelling rules. Practice writing and pay attention to common mistakes. Proofreading essays before submission can also help catch spelling errors.

In summary, while the essay attempts to use a range of vocabulary, it struggles with accuracy and precision. Improving lexical resource involves using vocabulary correctly, precisely, and ensuring spelling accuracy to convey ideas clearly and effectively. Focus on clarity and appropriateness of language to enhance overall coherence and readability.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. There is an attempt to use complex structures, although these are sometimes awkward or unclear in their expression (e.g., "raising psychological disorers and suicides"). The use of transitions and conjunctions helps in connecting ideas, but improvements in clarity and coherence would enhance the overall effectiveness.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, aim for clearer and more concise complex sentences. Ensure that the usage of conjunctions and transitions enhances coherence rather than complicating readability. Practice incorporating different types of clauses (e.g., relative clauses, conditional clauses) to add depth and variety.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits issues with grammatical accuracy throughout. There are errors in subject-verb agreement ("due to the naughty personality, which is a framework for them when engaging in the labor market"), awkward phrasing ("virtuoses"), and punctuation errors ("children would afraid of facing challenges and hurdles"). These errors occasionally hinder clarity and coherence.
- How to improve: Focus on fundamental grammatical structures such as subject-verb agreement and sentence structure. Review the use of articles (e.g., ‘the’ versus ‘a’) and ensure consistency in verb tense usage. Practice punctuation rules, especially for commas and apostrophes, to clarify meaning and improve readability.

Overall, while the essay presents a balanced argument and attempts to use a variety of sentence structures, significant improvements in grammatical accuracy and clarity are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Attention to basic grammar rules and sentence construction will enhance the overall coherence and effectiveness of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely recognized that children are expected to engage in both during and after formal education instead of utilizing their free time. In my opinion, this perspective is entirely misguided, and I will demonstrate my viewpoint in the following paragraphs.

On the one hand, those who support this viewpoint claim that allocating children’s time to academic work enhances endurance and discipline, preventing misbehaving tendencies and preparing them for the labor market. However, this thinking fails to acknowledge that children are too young to fully grasp these virtues, which can exacerbate their psychological disorders and increase the risk of depression and anxiety. This is especially evident at Chu Van An secondary school in Vietnam, where students attend extra classes to prepare for entrance tests to gifted high schools, fostering a highly competitive environment that contributes to rising mental health issues among young people.

On the other hand, limiting entertainment compels minors to develop various life skills and engage in social interactions. However, avoiding leisure activities can also interrupt social relationships, which form the foundation for children’s future professional collaborations. This concern is evident in many Vietnamese families, where parents restrict their children’s socializing to prevent exposure to perceived societal risks like child marriage or assault, instilling a fear of challenges and obstacles in children.

In conclusion, dedicating time primarily to academic learning stifles children’s development and their ability to form meaningful relationships. Therefore, it is crucial that parents encourage their children, especially at a sensible age, to engage in outdoor activities to broaden their understanding of society comprehensively.