Many parents complain that computer games have no value to their children’s studies. And, those online games have produced a lot of negative effects on their mental and physical development. What is your opinion on this?

Many parents complain that computer games have no value to their children's studies. And, those online games have produced a lot of negative effects on their mental and physical development.
What is your opinion on this?

Playing video games on computers and other digital devices is a growing trend among young people worldwide. While many argue about their benefits, I wholeheartedly concur with concerned parents, who believe that these games have detrimental effects on children's health, both physically and mentally. In this essay, I will discuss these negative impacts and explain why it is crucial to limit children's exposure to these games.

Firstly, the addictive nature of computer games can lead to excessive gaming, resulting in an unhealthy lifestyle for children. Children spend an inordinate amount of time playing, neglecting physical activities and contributing to health issues. A recent survey revealed that obesity rates among adolescents between the ages of 12 and 19 are increasing globally, and a lack of physical activity is a major contributing factor. This disinterest in sports and exercise can be attributed to children's preference for staying indoors and indulging in virtual worlds.

Furthermore, video games have a detrimental impact on young people's mental health. Excessive gaming can lead to cognitive impairment, as children spend less time focusing on academic tasks. This can result in habits of procrastination, making it difficult to meet deadlines. The constant exposure to fast-paced images in video games can shorten attention spans, making it challenging to concentrate on demanding academic subjects. Moreover, the frequent depictions of violence and graphic content in these games have been linked to heightened aggression, anxiety, and depression in children.

In conclusion, computer games are largely ineffective from a physiological and psychological perspective, and they may even be detrimental to young children's development. It is thus imperative that parents and educational institutions become aware of the issue and limit their children's access to certain video games

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Playing video games on computers and other digital devices" -> "Engaging in video games on computers and other digital devices"
   Explanation: "Engaging in" is a more formal and precise term than "playing," which is somewhat casual and vague in this context.

2. "wholeheartedly concur" -> "strongly agree"
   Explanation: "Wholeheartedly" is an emotional expression that may not be suitable for academic writing. "Strongly agree" maintains a formal tone while conveying the same level of conviction.

3. "detrimental effects" -> "adverse effects"
   Explanation: "Adverse" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "detrimental," which can be seen as slightly informal and vague.

4. "Firstly" -> "First"
   Explanation: "Firstly" is a colloquialism; "First" is more appropriate for formal academic writing.

5. "inordinate amount of time" -> "excessive amount of time"
   Explanation: "Inordinate" can be misunderstood or seen as overly formal; "excessive" is clearer and maintains the formal tone.

6. "neglecting physical activities" -> "neglecting physical activity"
   Explanation: "Activities" is plural, implying multiple activities, whereas "activity" is singular and more precise in this context, referring to the general lack of physical activity.

7. "A recent survey revealed" -> "Recent surveys have shown"
   Explanation: "Recent surveys have shown" is more formal and avoids the singular "revealed," which can imply a single instance rather than a general trend.

8. "disinterest" -> "lack of interest"
   Explanation: "Disinterest" can be misinterpreted as a lack of interest in the subject matter, whereas "lack of interest" clearly indicates the absence of interest in physical activities.

9. "indulging in virtual worlds" -> "immersing themselves in virtual worlds"
   Explanation: "Indulging" is informal and slightly vague; "immersing themselves" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style.

10. "computer games are largely ineffective" -> "computer games are largely ineffective for young children"
    Explanation: Adding "for young children" clarifies the scope of the statement, specifying the group affected by the ineffectiveness.

11. "physiological" -> "physiological"
    Explanation: "Physiological" should be used as an adjective, not a noun. The correct form is "physiological effects."

12. "It is thus imperative" -> "It is thus essential"
    Explanation: "Essential" is a more formal synonym for "imperative," aligning better with academic language.

These changes enhance the formal tone and precision of the essay, making it more suitable for an academic context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by presenting a clear opinion that aligns with the concerns of parents regarding the negative impacts of computer games on children’s studies and overall development. The introduction sets the stage by acknowledging the debate surrounding the benefits of video games while firmly taking a stance against them. The body paragraphs provide specific examples of how excessive gaming can lead to physical health issues and mental health problems, thereby addressing both aspects of the prompt.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of potential counterarguments or benefits of video games. Acknowledging that some games can foster skills such as problem-solving or teamwork could provide a more balanced view and strengthen the argument by contrasting these points with the negative effects discussed.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout, firmly supporting the notion that computer games are harmful to children. Phrases like "I wholeheartedly concur" and "it is crucial to limit children’s exposure" reinforce the author’s stance. The logical flow from one point to the next aids in maintaining this clarity.
  • How to improve: While the position is clear, the essay could further reinforce this by explicitly linking back to the main argument in the conclusion. A more emphatic restatement of the position, perhaps by summarizing the key points made, would enhance the overall coherence and impact of the argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents well-structured ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific negative impact of video games. The use of statistics, such as the rising obesity rates among adolescents, effectively supports the claims made. Additionally, the discussion of cognitive impairment and mental health issues is well-articulated, providing a comprehensive view of the potential dangers of excessive gaming.
  • How to improve: To further extend and support ideas, the essay could include more specific examples or studies that illustrate the negative effects mentioned. For instance, citing research that links video game violence to aggression in children would add depth to the argument. Additionally, personal anecdotes or hypothetical scenarios could make the points more relatable and engaging for the reader.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, consistently addressing the negative implications of computer games on children’s health and academic performance. There are no significant deviations from the topic, and each point made is relevant to the central argument.
  • How to improve: To ensure that the essay remains tightly focused, the author should be cautious of introducing any tangential ideas, such as potential benefits of video games, unless they are immediately countered. A clear outline before writing could help maintain this focus and ensure that each paragraph directly supports the main argument without straying into unrelated territory.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-supported argument. With slight adjustments to acknowledge counterarguments and enhance the depth of supporting evidence, the response could achieve an even higher level of sophistication.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical organization of ideas. It begins with an introduction that outlines the writer’s stance, followed by two well-structured body paragraphs that each focus on a specific negative impact of computer games: physical health and mental health. The progression from one point to the next is smooth, with each paragraph building on the previous one. For instance, the transition from discussing physical health issues like obesity to mental health concerns such as cognitive impairment demonstrates a coherent flow of ideas.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization further, the writer could consider adding a brief overview of potential counterarguments in the introduction, which would provide a more balanced perspective. Additionally, including a concluding sentence in each body paragraph that summarizes the main point could reinforce the logical structure and help the reader follow the argument more easily.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction sets the stage, while the body paragraphs delve into the negative impacts of video games. Each paragraph is cohesive and maintains a clear focus, which aids in the overall readability of the essay.
  • How to improve: While the paragraphing is effective, the writer could benefit from ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. For example, starting the second paragraph with a sentence like "One significant concern regarding video games is their impact on physical health" would immediately inform the reader of the paragraph’s focus. Additionally, ensuring that the conclusion succinctly reiterates the main points discussed in the body paragraphs would strengthen the overall structure.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Furthermore," and "Moreover," which help to signal the progression of ideas. These devices effectively guide the reader through the argument and clarify the relationships between points. The use of phrases like "this disinterest" and "the constant exposure" also aids in maintaining coherence within paragraphs.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer could incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "in addition," "consequently," or "on the other hand," to enhance the flow of ideas. This would not only improve the variety of cohesive devices used but also help to create more nuanced connections between points. Furthermore, using pronouns and synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts can help avoid repetition and maintain coherence throughout the essay.

Overall, the essay effectively meets the criteria for coherence and cohesion, earning a strong band score of 8. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can further enhance the clarity and cohesiveness of their argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 8

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, effectively employing terms such as "detrimental," "addictive nature," "cognitive impairment," and "heightened aggression." These choices reflect a strong command of language and an ability to convey complex ideas succinctly. The use of phrases like "indulging in virtual worlds" and "contributing to health issues" further showcases the writer’s ability to articulate nuanced arguments.
  • How to improve: To elevate the lexical resource even further, consider incorporating more varied synonyms and expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "detrimental," alternatives like "harmful" or "adverse" could be used to avoid redundancy. Additionally, integrating idiomatic expressions or collocations related to gaming and health could enrich the vocabulary further.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, particularly in discussing the negative impacts of video games. Terms like "excessive gaming," "procrastination," and "academic tasks" are used accurately to convey specific meanings. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more precise. For example, the phrase "physiological and psychological perspective" could be misleading; it may be clearer to specify that the discussion focuses on the psychological impacts of gaming rather than implying a broader physiological analysis.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, ensure that terminology aligns closely with the intended meaning. For instance, clarifying the distinction between "physiological" and "psychological" effects would strengthen the argument. Additionally, consider using more specific descriptors for the types of video games discussed (e.g., "violent video games" vs. "educational games") to avoid generalizations.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors. Words such as "addictive," "contribute," and "aggression" are spelled correctly, reflecting a strong grasp of English orthography. This accuracy contributes positively to the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: While spelling is already strong, maintaining this level of accuracy is essential. To ensure continued proficiency, regular practice with spelling exercises, particularly focusing on commonly misspelled words in academic writing, can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading the essay before submission can help catch any inadvertent errors that may arise during the writing process.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a solid command of lexical resource, meriting a band score of 8. By expanding vocabulary variety, enhancing precision in word choice, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can further improve their lexical resource in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "While many argue about their benefits, I wholeheartedly concur with concerned parents, who believe that these games have detrimental effects on children’s health, both physically and mentally," showcases the writer’s ability to combine clauses effectively. Additionally, the use of conditional structures and varied sentence openings (e.g., "Firstly," "Furthermore," "In conclusion") enhances the flow and coherence of the argument. However, there are instances where the sentence structure could be further diversified, particularly in the use of passive voice or more complex subordinate clauses.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more passive constructions to shift focus on the action rather than the subject (e.g., "Health issues are exacerbated by excessive gaming" instead of "Excessive gaming can lead to health issues"). Additionally, using more varied introductory phrases or clauses could help in creating a more dynamic essay structure.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The grammatical accuracy in the essay is generally high, with correct subject-verb agreement and appropriate tense usage throughout. For example, the phrase "Children spend an inordinate amount of time playing" correctly uses the present simple tense to convey a general truth. Punctuation is also largely accurate, with commas used effectively to separate clauses and enhance readability. However, there are minor areas where punctuation could be improved, such as the lack of a comma before "who believe" in the first sentence, which could clarify the sentence structure.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences. For instance, adding a comma before "who believe" would enhance clarity: "I wholeheartedly concur with concerned parents, who believe that these games have detrimental effects…" Additionally, proofreading for minor grammatical errors or awkward phrasing can help ensure that the essay maintains a high level of accuracy throughout.

Overall, the essay effectively communicates its arguments with a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, meriting a band score of 8. By focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining punctuation, the writer can further enhance the quality of their writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Playing video games on computers and other digital devices is a growing trend among young people worldwide. While many argue about their benefits, I wholeheartedly agree with concerned parents who believe that these games have detrimental effects on children’s health, both physically and mentally. In this essay, I will discuss these negative impacts and explain why it is crucial to limit children’s exposure to these games.

Firstly, the addictive nature of computer games can lead to excessive gaming, resulting in an unhealthy lifestyle for children. Children spend an excessive amount of time playing, neglecting physical activities and contributing to health issues. A recent survey revealed that obesity rates among adolescents between the ages of 12 and 19 are increasing globally, and a lack of physical activity is a major contributing factor. This lack of interest in sports and exercise can be attributed to children’s preference for staying indoors and immersing themselves in virtual worlds.

Furthermore, video games have a detrimental impact on young people’s mental health. Excessive gaming can lead to cognitive impairment, as children spend less time focusing on academic tasks. This can result in habits of procrastination, making it difficult to meet deadlines. The constant exposure to fast-paced images in video games can shorten attention spans, making it challenging to concentrate on demanding academic subjects. Moreover, the frequent depictions of violence and graphic content in these games have been linked to heightened aggression, anxiety, and depression in children.

In conclusion, computer games are largely ineffective from a physiological and psychological perspective, and they may even be detrimental to young children’s development. It is thus essential that parents and educational institutions become aware of the issue and limit their children’s access to certain video games.