Nowadays many people have access to computers on a wide basis and a large number of children play computer games. What are the negative impacts and what can be done to minimize the bad’s effects

Nowadays, a large number of children get access to computers and video games on a daily basis which can result in the augment of numerous concerns related to their overall well-being.

It is widely acknowledged that gluing to the screen always brings harmful effects to our life. Firstly it undermines our physical and mental well-being. When people spend their whole day with video games and computers, they cannot hang out for working out and communicating. As a result, they may quickly gain weight. Besides, they may get vision problems when their eyes are weakened by blue light from digital screens. In addition, people may lose their relationship and attachment with friends and loved ones due to their isolation from reality, which can result in autism and neurologic diseases. Therefore, it is inevitable that, the working and learning productivity will decrease, people cannot stay focused on working due to a strong sense of tiredness and burning out after using computers constantly.

Facing this urgent and alarming issue, which severely affects children's well-being, the governments and technological foundations should enact strict rules and principles which control and limit the assessment of kids. Moreover, parents must also take action by following and managing kid’s behaviors and activities online, spending quality time to listen and share stories to help children stay away from video games and computers at the early stage of life

In conclusion, overusing computers ruin our health severely through time and children need a healthy and active lifestyle to develop normally. Therefore, adults should pay more attention to their life and take care of them carefully.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Nowadays" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays."
"get access to" -> "have access to"
Explanation: "Have access to" is more formal and commonly used in academic contexts than "get access to," which can sound slightly informal.
"the augment of numerous concerns" -> "the increase in numerous concerns"
Explanation: "The increase in" is a more accurate and formal way to express the growth or rise of something, replacing the awkward and incorrect "the augment of."
"gluing to the screen" -> "becoming glued to the screen"
Explanation: "Becoming glued to" is a more precise and idiomatic expression that is commonly used in formal writing to describe the state of being excessively attached to something.
"brings harmful effects to our life" -> "has adverse effects on our lives"
Explanation: "Has adverse effects on our lives" is more formal and precise, improving the grammatical structure and clarity.
"they cannot hang out for working out and communicating" -> "they cannot engage in physical activity and social interaction"
Explanation: "Engage in physical activity and social interaction" is a more formal and precise way to describe the activities being referred to, avoiding the colloquial "hang out."
"quickly gain weight" -> "rapidly gain weight"
Explanation: "Rapidly" is a more formal synonym for "quickly," enhancing the academic tone.
"get vision problems" -> "experience vision problems"
Explanation: "Experience" is a more formal verb choice than "get" in this context, aligning better with academic style.
"lose their relationship and attachment" -> "lose touch with their relationships and connections"
Explanation: "Lose touch with their relationships and connections" is a more precise and formal way to describe the loss of social connections.
"neurologic diseases" -> "neurological disorders"
Explanation: "Neurological disorders" is the correct term, replacing the less precise and less formal "neurologic diseases."
"the working and learning productivity" -> "productivity in work and learning"
Explanation: "Productivity in work and learning" is a more formal and grammatically correct expression.
"cannot stay focused on working" -> "are unable to maintain focus on their work"
Explanation: "Are unable to maintain focus on their work" is a more formal and precise way to express the inability to concentrate.
"strong sense of tiredness and burning out" -> "intense feelings of fatigue and burnout"
Explanation: "Intense feelings of fatigue and burnout" uses more formal vocabulary and is more specific, enhancing the academic tone.
"enact strict rules and principles" -> "establish stringent regulations and guidelines"
Explanation: "Establish stringent regulations and guidelines" is more formal and precise, suitable for an academic context.
"control and limit the assessment of kids" -> "regulate and restrict children’s access"
Explanation: "Regulate and restrict children’s access" is a clearer and more formal way to describe the actions needed to manage children’s use of technology.
"spending quality time to listen and share stories" -> "devoting quality time to listening and sharing stories"
Explanation: "Devoting quality time to listening and sharing stories" is grammatically correct and more formal, improving the sentence structure.
"overusing computers ruin our health severely" -> "excessive computer use severely impairs our health"
Explanation: "Excessive computer use severely impairs our health" is a more formal and precise way to express the negative impact of overusing computers.
"take care of them carefully" -> "carefully monitor their well-being"
Explanation: "Carefully monitor their well-being" is a more formal and precise way to express the need for attention and care.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the negative impacts of computer usage and video games on children, such as physical health issues, mental health concerns, and social isolation. However, it lacks a balanced exploration of both negative impacts and solutions, as it primarily focuses on the harms without adequately detailing specific strategies to minimize these effects. For example, while the essay mentions the need for government intervention and parental guidance, it does not elaborate on effective measures or programs that could be implemented.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay should explicitly outline a wider range of negative impacts and provide concrete examples of solutions. This could include discussing educational programs that promote healthy technology use, community initiatives that encourage outdoor activities, or specific guidelines for screen time that parents can follow.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position regarding the negative effects of excessive computer and video game usage on children. The stance is consistent, as the author emphasizes the urgency of the issue and the need for action from both governments and parents. However, the conclusion could be stronger; it reiterates the main points but does not clearly restate the position in a compelling manner.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the conclusion should succinctly summarize the main arguments and reinforce the call to action. Using a strong concluding statement that encapsulates the urgency and importance of addressing the issue would enhance the overall impact of the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the negative impacts of computer use, such as physical health issues and social isolation. However, these ideas are not always well-developed or supported with specific examples or evidence. For instance, while the essay mentions "neurologic diseases," it does not provide any explanation or context for this claim, which weakens the argument.
- How to improve: To strengthen the presentation and support of ideas, the essay should include more detailed examples and evidence. This could involve citing studies or statistics related to the effects of screen time on children’s health or providing anecdotal evidence of children who have experienced these issues. Additionally, expanding on the proposed solutions with practical examples would enhance the depth of the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the negative impacts of computer usage and the need for intervention. However, there are moments where the discussion becomes slightly vague, particularly in the latter part of the essay where the solutions are mentioned. The phrase "take care of them carefully" is somewhat ambiguous and could be interpreted in various ways, which detracts from the overall focus.
- How to improve: To maintain a sharper focus on the topic, the essay should avoid vague language and instead use specific terms that clearly convey the intended message. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph directly relates back to the prompt will help maintain relevance throughout the essay. Clear transitions between discussing negative impacts and solutions can also help reinforce the connection between the two aspects of the prompt.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay could achieve a higher band score by demonstrating a more comprehensive understanding of the task and providing a more nuanced argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the issue of children’s access to computers and video games. The body paragraphs follow a logical sequence, discussing the negative impacts on physical and mental well-being and suggesting solutions. However, the organization could be improved by ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the main argument. For instance, the transition from discussing the negative impacts to the solutions could be smoother, as the connection between the two sections is somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that summarize the main point. Additionally, use transitional phrases to link ideas between paragraphs, such as “In light of these issues,” or “To address these concerns,” which will guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "well-being," "isolation," "neurologic diseases," and "assessment." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive and lacks variation. For example, the phrase "get access to computers" could be improved by using alternatives like "have access to" or "utilize computers." Additionally, phrases like "working out" could be replaced with "exercising" for greater variety.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should explore synonyms and related terms. Keeping a thesaurus handy while writing can help identify alternatives. Practicing writing with varied vocabulary in different contexts will also aid in developing a more diverse lexicon.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the term "gluing to the screen" is awkward and could be more effectively expressed as "being glued to the screen" or "spending excessive time in front of screens." Additionally, the phrase "the assessment of kids" is unclear and might be better articulated as "the access of children to technology."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity in expression. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrases. Furthermore, using more specific terms related to the topic, such as "screen time" instead of "time with video games and computers," can enhance clarity and precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "bad’s effects" (should be "bad effects") and "neurologic" (more commonly spelled as "neurological"). These errors can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the text backward can help catch spelling mistakes. Additionally, practicing spelling of commonly used academic vocabulary can build confidence and accuracy in writing.

Overall, while the essay meets the basic requirements for lexical resource, there is significant room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the opening sentence effectively uses a complex structure: "Nowadays, a large number of children get access to computers and video games on a daily basis which can result in the augment of numerous concerns related to their overall well-being." However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the phrase "it is inevitable that, the working and learning productivity will decrease" could be restructured for more impact.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that use subordinate clauses or participial phrases. For example, instead of saying "they cannot hang out for working out and communicating," you could say, "they miss opportunities to engage in physical activities and social interactions." Additionally, varying the sentence openings can create a more engaging flow, such as starting with adverbial phrases or using inversion for emphasis.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "the augment of numerous concerns" is awkward and should be "the emergence of numerous concerns." Additionally, the use of commas is inconsistent; for example, "Therefore, it is inevitable that, the working and learning productivity will decrease" incorrectly places a comma after "that." Such errors can confuse readers and disrupt the flow of ideas.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay for common errors, particularly in word choice and punctuation. Familiarizing yourself with common collocations and phrases can help avoid awkward constructions. For punctuation, ensure that commas are used correctly, particularly in complex sentences. Practicing sentence combining exercises can also help in mastering the use of punctuation within complex structures. Furthermore, consider using grammar-checking tools to identify and correct mistakes before finalizing the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the score further.

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, a large number of children have access to computers and video games on a daily basis, which can lead to an increase in numerous concerns related to their overall well-being.

It is widely acknowledged that becoming glued to the screen can have adverse effects on our lives. Firstly, it undermines both our physical and mental health. When children spend their entire day immersed in video games and computers, they cannot engage in physical activity and social interaction. As a result, they may rapidly gain weight. Additionally, they may experience vision problems due to the blue light emitted by digital screens. Furthermore, children may lose touch with their relationships and connections with friends and loved ones because of their isolation from reality, which can lead to autism and neurological disorders. Consequently, it is inevitable that productivity in work and learning will decrease, as individuals are unable to maintain focus on their tasks due to intense feelings of fatigue and burnout after prolonged computer use.

In light of this urgent and alarming issue, which severely affects children’s well-being, governments and technological organizations should establish stringent regulations and guidelines to regulate and restrict children’s access to screens. Moreover, parents must also take action by carefully monitoring their children’s online behaviors and activities, as well as devoting quality time to listening and sharing stories. This can help children stay away from video games and computers during their formative years.

In conclusion, excessive computer use severely impairs our health over time, and children need a healthy and active lifestyle to develop normally. Therefore, adults should pay more attention to their well-being and take care of them diligently.