Accommodation and transport problems are increasing in many large cities. Businesses are encouraged to move to rural areas. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? Write one body paragraph to explain the advantages of encouraging businesses to move to rural areas.
Accommodation and transport problems are increasing in many large cities. Businesses are encouraged to move to rural areas. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?
Write one body paragraph to explain the advantages of encouraging businesses to move to rural areas.
On the one hand, encouraging companies move to rural areas can offer two positive aspects. The first advantages is that their staff can work on time. This is because traffic congestion which have impact on mood and work perfomance, can be reduce. Another strong point is that thay can live in a better environment. Industrial factories emit a large amount of toxic gases, polluting the air; industrial oil is discharged affecting the lives of people living near that area. If businesses move to rural areas, their health will be guranteed and avoided many types of diseases.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"encouraging companies move to rural areas" -> "encouraging companies to relocate to rural areas"
Explanation: Adding "to" after "companies" corrects the grammatical structure and enhances the formal tone of the sentence. -
"The first advantages is that" -> "The first advantage is that"
Explanation: "Advantages" is a plural noun and should be singular ("advantage") when referring to a single point, correcting the grammatical error and improving formality. -
"their staff can work on time" -> "their staff can maintain a regular schedule"
Explanation: "Work on time" is an informal and vague phrase. "Maintain a regular schedule" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing. -
"traffic congestion which have impact on mood and work perfomance" -> "traffic congestion, which has an impact on mood and work performance"
Explanation: Corrects the verb tense to "has" for subject-verb agreement and replaces "perfomance" with "performance" for spelling accuracy and formality. -
"can be reduce" -> "can be reduced"
Explanation: "Reduce" is a verb and should be in the passive form "reduced" to match the passive construction of the sentence. -
"Another strong point is that thay can live in a better environment" -> "Another significant advantage is that they can live in a better environment"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "that" to "they" and replaces "strong point" with "significant advantage" for a more formal and precise term. -
"Industrial factories emit a large amount of toxic gases, polluting the air; industrial oil is discharged affecting the lives of people living near that area." -> "Industrial factories emit significant amounts of toxic gases, polluting the air, and industrial oil is discharged, affecting the lives of those living nearby."
Explanation: Revises for clarity and formality by using "significant amounts" instead of "a large amount," and "polluting the air, and industrial oil is discharged, affecting" for a clearer and more formal structure. -
"their health will be guranteed" -> "their health will be guaranteed"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "guaranteed" for accuracy and formality. -
"avoided many types of diseases" -> "avoid many types of diseases"
Explanation: Removes the unnecessary "be" to correct the verb form, aligning with the passive construction of the sentence.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses the prompt by discussing two advantages of encouraging businesses to move to rural areas. However, it does not fully explore the implications of these advantages or how they relate to the broader context of the prompt, which asks whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. The discussion is limited and lacks depth, as it does not consider potential disadvantages or provide a balanced view.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should aim to include a brief mention of potential disadvantages alongside the advantages. This could involve acknowledging issues such as reduced access to urban amenities or economic impacts on urban areas. Additionally, expanding on how these advantages specifically benefit both businesses and employees would provide a more comprehensive response.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that there are advantages to moving businesses to rural areas. However, the position lacks depth and is not consistently reinforced throughout the paragraph. The writer does not explicitly state that these advantages outweigh the disadvantages, which is crucial for a complete response to the prompt.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should explicitly state their stance at the beginning of the paragraph. For example, they could start with a sentence that clearly indicates they believe the advantages do outweigh the disadvantages. This should be followed by a logical progression of ideas that consistently supports this stance.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents two advantages but does so in a limited manner. The ideas are not well-developed, and the supporting details are somewhat vague. For instance, the mention of traffic congestion impacting mood and performance lacks specific examples or data that would strengthen the argument. Additionally, the environmental benefits are mentioned but not elaborated upon sufficiently.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with specific examples or evidence. For instance, they could provide statistics on how traffic congestion affects productivity or cite studies that link environmental quality to health outcomes. This would not only strengthen the argument but also make it more persuasive.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the advantages of moving businesses to rural areas. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharpened. For example, the mention of "industrial factories" and their pollution could be more directly linked to the benefits of moving businesses, rather than presenting it as a separate issue.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every sentence directly relates back to the advantages of moving businesses to rural areas. They could use transitional phrases to connect ideas more clearly and ensure that each point made directly supports the central argument of the paragraph.
In summary, to improve the overall score for Task Response, the writer should aim for a more comprehensive exploration of the prompt, maintain a clear and consistent position, develop and support ideas with specific examples, and ensure that all content remains relevant to the topic.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents the advantages of encouraging businesses to move to rural areas in a generally logical manner. The first point about staff working on time due to reduced traffic congestion is clearly articulated, followed by a second point regarding environmental benefits. However, the transition between these points could be smoother. For instance, the connection between traffic congestion and the working environment could be more explicitly stated to enhance the logical flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly link ideas, such as "In addition to improving punctuality, relocating businesses can also contribute to a healthier environment." This would help the reader understand how the points relate to one another.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses a single paragraph to present the advantages, which is appropriate for a focused discussion. However, the paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences and concluding statements to reinforce the main ideas. The current structure feels somewhat abrupt, particularly at the end, where the concluding thought about health is introduced without a strong wrap-up.
- How to improve: Start the paragraph with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea, such as "There are significant advantages to encouraging businesses to relocate to rural areas." Additionally, consider concluding the paragraph with a summarizing sentence that encapsulates the main points discussed, reinforcing the overall argument.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "Another strong point," which help in structuring the argument. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between ideas could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "This is because" is used, but it could be expanded to include more cohesive devices that clarify the relationship between ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," and "Consequently." For instance, after discussing traffic congestion, you could add, "Furthermore, the move to rural areas can significantly improve the quality of life for employees." This would create a more cohesive and fluid reading experience.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant advantages, enhancing the logical flow, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "encouraging," "positive aspects," "traffic congestion," and "toxic gases." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat limited and repetitive. For instance, the phrase "move to rural areas" is repeated without variation, which detracts from the overall lexical richness.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related phrases. Instead of repeating "move to rural areas," alternatives like "relocate to the countryside" or "shift operations to rural locations" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more varied adjectives and adverbs could enrich the text, such as using "significant" instead of "large" when describing the amount of toxic gases.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, "the first advantages" should be "the first advantage," as "advantage" is singular. The phrase "can be reduce" should be corrected to "can be reduced." These errors can lead to confusion and detract from the clarity of the argument.
- How to improve: Focus on subject-verb agreement and singular/plural forms. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward or incorrect phrases. Additionally, using a thesaurus to find more precise words can improve clarity. For instance, instead of saying "can be reduce," one could say "can be mitigated" to convey a more precise meaning.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "perfomance" (should be "performance"), "thay" (should be "they"), "guranteed" (should be "guaranteed"), and "avoided" (should be "avoid"). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the writer’s credibility.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, regular practice with spelling exercises can be beneficial. Utilizing tools like spell checkers or grammar-checking software during the writing process can help catch errors before submission. Additionally, creating flashcards for commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can reinforce correct spelling.
By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. For instance, the sentences predominantly follow a simple structure, such as "The first advantages is that their staff can work on time." This sentence lacks complexity and could benefit from the use of subordinate clauses or varied sentence openings. Additionally, phrases like "Another strong point is that" are formulaic and do not contribute to a richer variety of expression.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating complex sentences. For example, instead of saying "Another strong point is that," you could use, "In addition to timely work, another significant benefit is that employees can enjoy a more favorable living environment." This not only varies the structure but also makes the argument more compelling.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, "the first advantages is" should be "the first advantage is," indicating a subject-verb agreement error. The phrase "traffic congestion which have impact on mood and work perfomance, can be reduce" contains multiple errors: it should read "traffic congestion, which has an impact on mood and work performance, can be reduced." Additionally, "thay" is a misspelling of "they," and "guranteed" should be "guaranteed." The use of commas is inconsistent, leading to run-on sentences that affect clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay carefully. Focus on subject-verb agreement and ensure that verbs are in the correct form. For punctuation, practice using commas to separate clauses and improve clarity. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrasing and grammatical mistakes. Additionally, consider using grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers to catch errors before finalizing the essay.
In summary, while the essay presents some valid points regarding the advantages of moving businesses to rural areas, enhancing the variety of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will significantly elevate the overall quality of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
On the one hand, encouraging companies to relocate to rural areas can offer two significant advantages. The first advantage is that their staff can maintain a regular schedule. This is because traffic congestion, which has an impact on mood and work performance, can be reduced. Another important benefit is that employees can live in a better environment. Industrial factories emit significant amounts of toxic gases, polluting the air, and industrial oil is discharged, affecting the lives of those living nearby. If businesses move to rural areas, their health will be guaranteed, allowing them to avoid many types of diseases.