Advertising discourages people from being different individuals by making us want to be and to look the same. To what extent to you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, some argue that the trend of homogenizing individuals should be abolished. The writer of this essay disagrees with this statement because it risks diminishing individual creativity and may render people lethargic and uninspired.

One of the main reasons individuals should not aspire to adopt the same lifestyle is the creativity and work styles of each other. Individuals of diverse ages frequently develop distinct approaches and solutions. It depends on the abilities of others. For example, if a group comprising younger individuals collaborates with older individuals, it may lead to disagreements regarding opinions, resulting in them suffering losses more quickly than if they worked independently.

On the other hand, similar ideas may capture the attention of other members. Consequently, they will encourage others to follow their methods, which can stimulate increasing demand. The result shows that they can dominate the economic market efficiently and effectively.

In conclusion, advertising indeed creates a gap between individual lifestyles in modern society. However, I believe that it is not the sole factor that contributes to this trend.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Nowadays" -> "In contemporary society"
Explanation: "In contemporary society" is a more formal and precise way to refer to the current time period, enhancing the academic tone of the essay.
"the trend of homogenizing individuals" -> "the trend towards homogenization of individuals"
Explanation: "The trend towards homogenization of individuals" is more precise and formal, clearly indicating the direction and scope of the trend.
"should be abolished" -> "should be discontinued"
Explanation: "Should be discontinued" is a more formal and precise term that is commonly used in academic writing to suggest the termination of a practice or trend.
"diminishing individual creativity" -> "reducing individual creativity"
Explanation: "Reducing" is a more precise term in this context, as it directly indicates a decrease in creativity, which is more specific and formal than "diminishing."
"lethargic and uninspired" -> "lacking motivation and inspiration"
Explanation: "Lacking motivation and inspiration" is a more formal and precise way to describe the state of being unmotivated and uninspired, which is more suitable for academic writing.
"One of the main reasons individuals should not aspire to adopt the same lifestyle" -> "A primary reason individuals should not strive to adopt a uniform lifestyle"
Explanation: "A primary reason" and "uniform lifestyle" are more precise and formal, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"the creativity and work styles of each other" -> "each other’s creativity and work styles"
Explanation: Reordering the phrase to "each other’s creativity and work styles" clarifies the possessive relationship, making the sentence more grammatically correct and formal.
"It depends on the abilities of others" -> "It is influenced by the abilities of others"
Explanation: "Is influenced by" is a more precise and formal way to express the impact of others’ abilities on individual approaches.
"suffering losses more quickly" -> "incurring losses more rapidly"
Explanation: "Incurring losses more rapidly" is a more formal and precise term, suitable for academic writing.
"similar ideas may capture the attention of other members" -> "similar ideas may attract the attention of other individuals"
Explanation: "Attract the attention of other individuals" is more formal and specific, improving the academic tone of the sentence.
"they can dominate the economic market efficiently and effectively" -> "they can dominate the economic market efficiently and effectively"
Explanation: The double use of "efficiently" and "effectively" is corrected to maintain grammatical accuracy and clarity.
"advertising indeed creates a gap between individual lifestyles" -> "advertising indeed contributes to a disparity in individual lifestyles"
Explanation: "Contributes to a disparity in" is a more precise and formal way to describe the impact of advertising on individual lifestyles.
"However, I believe that it is not the sole factor" -> "However, I contend that it is not the sole factor"
Explanation: "I contend" is a more formal and assertive verb choice, suitable for academic writing, replacing the more casual "I believe."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt regarding the impact of advertising on individualism, but it does not fully engage with the question of "to what extent" the writer agrees or disagrees. The introduction states a disagreement with the idea that homogenization should be abolished, but the body paragraphs do not clearly articulate the extent of this disagreement or provide a balanced view. The argument appears to be underdeveloped and lacks a thorough exploration of the implications of advertising on individuality.
- How to improve: To better address all parts of the question, the writer should explicitly state their position on the extent of agreement or disagreement in the introduction. Additionally, they should include a more nuanced discussion that considers both sides of the argument, perhaps acknowledging some positive aspects of advertising while emphasizing its negative effects on individuality.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The position taken in the essay is somewhat unclear. While the writer states they disagree with the idea of homogenization, the reasoning provided is vague and lacks a consistent thread. The transition from discussing creativity to economic dominance is abrupt and does not clearly relate back to the main argument about advertising’s role in shaping individual identities.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position throughout the essay, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly supports their main argument. They could use topic sentences to clearly indicate the focus of each paragraph and how it relates to their overall stance. Additionally, reinforcing their position with specific examples and logical reasoning would enhance clarity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are underdeveloped and lack sufficient support. For instance, the mention of creativity and work styles is relevant, but the explanation is convoluted and does not effectively illustrate how advertising influences these aspects. The example provided about collaboration between different age groups does not directly connect to the impact of advertising on individualism.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to present ideas more clearly and provide concrete examples that directly relate to the prompt. Each point made should be elaborated upon with specific instances or studies that illustrate the effects of advertising on individual behavior and identity. This would not only strengthen the argument but also demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally deviates from the main topic of advertising and its effects on individuality. For example, the discussion about economic market dominance feels tangential and does not tie back to the central argument about individualism and creativity. This lack of focus can confuse the reader and detracts from the overall effectiveness of the essay.
- How to improve: To stay on topic, the writer should continuously relate their points back to the influence of advertising on individuality. They could outline the main ideas in the introduction and ensure that each subsequent paragraph addresses these points directly. Regularly referencing the prompt throughout the essay will help maintain focus and coherence.

In summary, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should ensure that they fully address all aspects of the prompt, maintain a clear and consistent position, present and support ideas more effectively, and stay focused on the topic of advertising’s influence on individuality.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument against the homogenizing effects of advertising on individuality. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the main body paragraphs attempt to support this stance. However, the logical flow between ideas could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing creativity to the economic implications of similar ideas lacks a clear connection, which may confuse readers about how these points relate to the central argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly relates back to the thesis statement. Using topic sentences that summarize the main idea of each paragraph can help guide the reader. Additionally, providing explicit connections between ideas, such as linking creativity directly to the economic outcomes mentioned, would strengthen the overall argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate ideas, which is a positive aspect. However, the paragraphs themselves could be more effectively structured. The first body paragraph introduces the concept of creativity but does not fully develop the idea before moving on to the next point. The second body paragraph introduces a new idea without adequately linking it to the previous discussion.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea, supported by examples and explanations. The writer could benefit from starting each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main point, followed by supporting details. Additionally, ensuring that the conclusion revisits the key points made in the body paragraphs can help reinforce the overall argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "on the other hand" and "consequently," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where transitions between ideas could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing individual creativity to economic implications feels abrupt and lacks adequate linking phrases.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," "however," and "for instance." This will help create a more fluid reading experience. Additionally, using pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned ideas can enhance cohesion within and between paragraphs.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will help elevate the score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "homogenizing," "creativity," "distinct approaches," and "economic market." However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited in variety, particularly in expressing nuanced ideas. For instance, phrases like "the trend of homogenizing individuals" could be expanded with synonyms or related terms to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve the range of vocabulary, the writer should incorporate more synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeating "individuals," alternatives like "people," "persons," or "members of society" could be used. Additionally, exploring more sophisticated vocabulary related to advertising and individuality, such as "conformity," "diversity," or "consumerism," would enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are instances where word choice could be clearer. For example, the phrase "it depends on the abilities of others" is vague and does not clearly convey the intended meaning. The use of "lethargic and uninspired" is effective, but the connection to advertising could be more explicitly stated.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clarity in expression. Instead of saying "it depends on the abilities of others," the writer could specify what abilities are being referred to and how they relate to creativity. For instance, "the unique skills and perspectives of individuals can foster innovative solutions" would be clearer. Furthermore, ensuring that each term used directly supports the argument will strengthen the overall clarity of the essay.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with no glaring errors that impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as the phrase "the abilities of others," which could be misinterpreted without context. While not a spelling error per se, it indicates a lack of clarity that can affect the reader’s comprehension.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy and overall clarity, the writer should proofread the essay for any potential typos or awkward phrasing. Engaging in regular spelling exercises or using tools like spell checkers can help catch errors before submission. Additionally, reading the essay aloud can help identify areas where phrasing might be unclear, allowing for adjustments that improve both spelling and clarity.

Overall, while the essay meets the basic requirements for lexical resource, there is significant room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and clarity. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their score in this criterion for future IELTS writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the opening sentence employs a complex structure ("some argue that the trend of homogenizing individuals should be abolished"), effectively introducing the topic. However, the essay could benefit from more varied sentence beginnings and the use of more sophisticated structures. For example, the sentence "It depends on the abilities of others" is quite simple and could be expanded for complexity.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more introductory phrases, subordinate clauses, and varied conjunctions. For example, instead of starting sentences with "Individuals" or "It," the writer might use phrases like "Given the diversity of experiences," or "While some may argue," to create a more engaging flow. Additionally, integrating more conditional sentences or participial phrases could enhance the complexity.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally good command of grammar and punctuation, but there are instances of awkward phrasing and grammatical inaccuracies. For example, the phrase "the creativity and work styles of each other" is unclear and could be better expressed as "the creativity and work styles of individuals." Additionally, the sentence "It depends on the abilities of others" lacks clarity regarding what "it" refers to, which could confuse readers. Punctuation is mostly accurate, but the use of commas could be improved for clarity, particularly in complex sentences.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on clarity and precision in their language. Revising sentences for clarity, such as rephrasing vague references (e.g., replacing "it" with a clear subject) would help. Furthermore, practicing the use of commas in complex sentences can improve readability. For example, in the sentence "On the other hand, similar ideas may capture the attention of other members," the writer could add a comma after "members" to separate clauses more effectively. Regularly reviewing grammar rules and seeking feedback on sentence clarity can also contribute to overall improvement.

In summary, while the essay achieves a Band 7 for Grammatical Range and Accuracy, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical precision. By focusing on these areas, the writer can elevate their writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, some argue that the trend towards the homogenization of individuals should be discontinued. The writer of this essay disagrees with this viewpoint because it risks reducing individual creativity and may render people lacking motivation and inspiration.

A primary reason individuals should not strive to adopt a uniform lifestyle is the diversity in creativity and work styles among individuals. People of various ages frequently develop distinct approaches and solutions. This is influenced by the abilities of others. For example, if a group comprising younger individuals collaborates with older individuals, it may lead to disagreements regarding opinions, resulting in them incurring losses more rapidly than if they worked independently.

On the other hand, similar ideas may attract the attention of other individuals. Consequently, they will encourage others to follow their methods, which can stimulate increasing demand. The result shows that they can dominate the economic market efficiently and effectively.

In conclusion, advertising indeed contributes to a disparity in individual lifestyles in modern society. However, I contend that it is not the sole factor that contributes to this trend.