An increasing number of people choosing to have cosmetic surgery in order to improve their appearance. Why do people have operations to change the way they look? Do you think this is positive or negative development?

In today’s digital age, the advancement of social media has revolutionized the view of beauty standards which has led to the growth of cosmetic surgery. Even though this trend may cause various detrimental impacts on individuals and society, there are several reasons explaining why people are still willing to take those risks.
There are various motivations for those who desire to enhance their appearance. Firstly, the abundance of beauty salons with enormous advertisements captivate audience to update their outlook. To be more specific, those marketing campaigns commit to improve customer’s body and face in short-term period without any pain and thereby more and more people. especially younger generations spare no expense to take the surgery. Secondly, some typical occupations such as celebrities, flight attendants, or even sales officers require outstanding beauty to draw audience or customer’s attention. Therefore, recruiters will consider physical appearance dominating other factors including their talents, education, or communication. As the result, those employees with some flaws in their face or their height resort to undergo operations to meet employer’s requirement.
Although those causes are mentioned above, I argue that this tendency will bring more demerits to that person and community. With regards to person well-being, the high risk of taking plastic surgery can cause weak-immune system, injuries or even mortality when some may suffer to drug allergy. In the worse situation, choosing a beauty hospital with a fabricated certificate is put themselves in potential danger. Furthermore, it is a lavish spending for taking cosmetic surgeries since surgery fees for hospitals are extremely exorbitant. By following this trend, our individual’s budget unnecessarily contributes an enormous amount to operations instead of allocating their income to other meaningful activities such as donating to charities, non-profit organizations, etc.
In conclusion, while there are plenty of purposes to clarify the surge in the number of participants in plastic surgeries, I still concur with those who believe that the drawbacks outweigh advantages for human development and society.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In today’s digital age" -> "In the contemporary digital era"
Explanation: "Contemporary digital era" is a more formal and precise term that enhances the academic tone of the essay, replacing the colloquial "today’s digital age."
"the advancement of social media has revolutionized" -> "the proliferation of social media has significantly influenced"
Explanation: "Proliferation" is a more precise term than "advancement" in this context, and "significantly influenced" is more accurate than "revolutionized," which might be overstating the impact.
"the growth of cosmetic surgery" -> "the increasing popularity of cosmetic surgery"
Explanation: "Increasing popularity" is a more accurate description of the trend, as it implies a gradual and ongoing development rather than a sudden growth.
"there are several reasons explaining why people are still willing to take those risks" -> "there are several reasons why individuals continue to undertake these risks"
Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "continue to undertake" is a more precise and formal way to describe ongoing actions.
"the abundance of beauty salons with enormous advertisements" -> "the proliferation of beauty salons with extensive advertising"
Explanation: "Proliferation" is more specific to the context of an increase in number, and "extensive advertising" is a more precise term than "enormous advertisements."
"commit to improve customer’s body and face" -> "promise to enhance customers’ physical appearance"
Explanation: "Promise to enhance" is more formal and specific than "commit to improve," and "physical appearance" is a more precise term than "body and face."
"more and more people" -> "an increasing number of individuals"
Explanation: "An increasing number of individuals" is more formal and avoids the colloquial "more and more people."
"spare no expense" -> "are willing to invest heavily"
Explanation: "Are willing to invest heavily" is a more formal and precise expression than the idiomatic "spare no expense."
"outstanding beauty to draw audience or customer’s attention" -> "exceptional beauty to attract customers"
Explanation: "Exceptional beauty" is more formal than "outstanding beauty," and "attract customers" is more precise than "draw audience or customer’s attention."
"As the result" -> "As a result"
Explanation: "As a result" is the correct phrase, whereas "As the result" is grammatically incorrect.
"those employees with some flaws in their face or their height" -> "individuals with minor facial or height imperfections"
Explanation: "Individuals with minor facial or height imperfections" is more formal and avoids the colloquial "those employees with some flaws."
"weak-immune system" -> "weakened immune system"
Explanation: "Weakened immune system" is the correct term, as "weak-immune system" is grammatically incorrect.
"suffer to drug allergy" -> "suffer from drug allergies"
Explanation: "Suffer from drug allergies" is grammatically correct and more precise than "suffer to drug allergy."
"choosing a beauty hospital with a fabricated certificate" -> "selecting a beauty clinic with a forged certificate"
Explanation: "Selecting" is more formal than "choosing," and "forged" is the correct term for a document that is illegally created or altered.
"lavish spending" -> "excessive expenditure"
Explanation: "Excessive expenditure" is a more formal and precise term than "lavish spending."
"operations instead of allocating their income to other meaningful activities" -> "surgery fees instead of allocating their income to other worthwhile activities"
Explanation: "Surgery fees" is more specific than "operations," and "worthwhile activities" is a more formal alternative to "meaningful activities."
"I still concur with those who believe" -> "I remain in agreement with those who believe"
Explanation: "I remain in agreement with" is a more formal expression than "I still concur with," enhancing the academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt. It identifies reasons why people undergo cosmetic surgery, such as societal beauty standards influenced by social media and occupational pressures. The second part of the question regarding whether this trend is positive or negative is also addressed, with a clear stance taken against the trend, supported by arguments about health risks and financial implications. However, while the reasons are presented, they could be more explicitly linked to the overarching theme of societal pressures.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, explicitly connect each reason to the broader implications for society. For example, when discussing the influence of social media, elaborate on how this impacts self-esteem and societal norms. Additionally, consider including a brief mention of potential positive aspects of cosmetic surgery to provide a more balanced view before concluding with the negative aspects.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against cosmetic surgery, emphasizing the negative consequences. The argument is consistently supported throughout the essay, particularly in the second half where the drawbacks are elaborated upon. However, the transition between discussing reasons for the trend and the negative implications could be smoother to reinforce the position.
- How to improve: Strengthen the transitions between sections by using linking phrases that reiterate the position. For instance, after discussing the reasons for cosmetic surgery, a sentence like "Despite these motivations, the negative consequences cannot be overlooked" would help in maintaining a clear and consistent stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding motivations for cosmetic surgery and its negative impacts. Each point is supported with examples, such as the mention of specific occupations that prioritize physical appearance. However, some ideas, particularly the health risks associated with surgery, could be further elaborated for greater impact.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, consider providing more detailed examples or statistics related to the health risks of cosmetic surgery. This could include citing studies or expert opinions that highlight the dangers, thereby strengthening the argument against the trend.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons for the rise in cosmetic surgery and its implications. However, there are moments where the argument could be more tightly focused, particularly in the discussion of financial implications, which could be more directly tied back to the societal context.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that every point made directly relates back to the prompt. For instance, when discussing financial implications, explicitly tie this back to how societal pressures lead individuals to prioritize cosmetic surgery over other meaningful expenditures. This will reinforce the relevance of each point to the overall argument.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task requirements and presents a well-structured argument. With some refinements in linking ideas and elaborating on key points, it could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing reasons for cosmetic surgery, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the context by linking social media to changing beauty standards. However, the flow between ideas could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing motivations to the negative impacts feels abrupt. The second body paragraph introduces the negative aspects without a clear segue from the previous paragraph’s focus on motivations.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas. For example, after discussing motivations, a sentence like "Despite these motivations, there are significant drawbacks to consider" could create a smoother transition to the negative aspects of cosmetic surgery.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific theme. The first two paragraphs address the reasons for cosmetic surgery, while the third discusses its negative consequences. However, the second body paragraph could be more clearly defined as it combines multiple ideas without distinct separation.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that encapsulates its main idea. For instance, the second body paragraph could start with a sentence like, "Despite the allure of cosmetic surgery, it poses significant risks to individual health and financial stability." This would help clarify the focus of the paragraph and guide the reader through the argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "In conclusion," which help to organize thoughts. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "As the result" is awkwardly used and could be replaced with a more standard phrase like "As a result."
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "Moreover," "In addition," or "Conversely" to introduce new ideas or counterarguments. This will not only enhance the flow of ideas but also demonstrate a more sophisticated command of language.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion. Focus on improving transitions, clarifying paragraph structures, and diversifying cohesive devices to enhance the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with terms like "revolutionized," "detrimental impacts," and "lavish spending." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "enhance their appearance" and "cosmetic surgery," which appear multiple times without variation. This limits the lexical diversity expected at higher band scores.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "cosmetic surgery," alternatives like "aesthetic procedures" or "plastic surgery" could be employed. Additionally, using phrases like "beautification" or "physical enhancement" can add variety.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary is used effectively, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "captivate audience" should be "captivate the audience," which affects clarity. Additionally, "commit to improve customer’s body" is awkward; "commit to improving customers’ bodies" would be more precise.
- How to improve: To achieve greater precision, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and ensure that phrases are complete and contextually appropriate. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward constructions. Furthermore, utilizing a thesaurus can assist in finding the most suitable words for specific contexts.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "audience" (should be "the audience") and "customer’s" (should be "customers’"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse readers.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, ideally after a short break to gain a fresh perspective. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay backward (from the last word to the first) can help catch errors. Regular practice with spelling exercises can also enhance overall spelling skills.

By addressing these areas—expanding vocabulary range, improving precision in word choice, and ensuring correct spelling—the writer can aim for a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and some compound sentences. For example, the use of "Even though this trend may cause various detrimental impacts on individuals and society, there are several reasons explaining why people are still willing to take those risks" showcases a complex structure with a subordinate clause. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings, such as starting multiple sentences with "there are" or "those." This can lead to a monotonous reading experience.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider using different introductory phrases or clauses. For example, instead of starting with "There are" or "Those," you could use phrases like "One reason for this trend is…" or "Many individuals find that…" Additionally, incorporating more varied conjunctions and transitions can help to create a more dynamic flow in your writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, the phrase "captivate audience to update their outlook" should be "captivates the audience to update their outlook." The use of "customer’s attention" should be "customers’ attention" to reflect plural possessive correctly. Additionally, the sentence "As the result, those employees with some flaws in their face or their height resort to undergo operations" should be revised to "As a result, those employees with flaws in their appearance resort to undergoing operations." These errors indicate a need for more careful proofreading and a stronger grasp of grammatical rules.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement, correct use of articles, and the appropriate forms of verbs (e.g., "resort to undergoing" instead of "resort to undergo"). Regular practice with grammar exercises and reading well-structured essays can help reinforce these concepts. Additionally, consider using tools like grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers to catch errors before finalizing your work.

By addressing these areas, you can work towards achieving a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary digital era, the proliferation of social media has revolutionized perceptions of beauty standards, leading to the increasing popularity of cosmetic surgery. Although this trend may result in various detrimental impacts on individuals and society, there are several reasons why people continue to undertake these risks.

There are multiple motivations for those who wish to enhance their appearance. Firstly, the proliferation of beauty salons with extensive advertising captivates audiences and encourages them to update their looks. To be more specific, these marketing campaigns promise to enhance customers’ physical appearance in a short period without any pain, leading more and more people, especially younger generations, to spare no expense in pursuing surgery. Secondly, certain professions, such as celebrities, flight attendants, or even sales officers, often require exceptional beauty to attract customers’ attention. Consequently, recruiters may prioritize physical appearance over other factors, including talent, education, or communication skills. As a result, individuals with minor facial or height imperfections may resort to undergoing operations to meet employers’ requirements.

Despite the aforementioned reasons, I argue that this tendency brings more demerits to both individuals and the community. Regarding personal well-being, the high risks associated with plastic surgery can lead to a weakened immune system, injuries, or even mortality, especially for those who may suffer from drug allergies. In the worst-case scenario, selecting a beauty clinic with a forged certificate places individuals in potential danger. Furthermore, the excessive expenditure on cosmetic surgeries is significant, as surgery fees can be extremely exorbitant. By following this trend, individuals may allocate an enormous amount of their budget to operations instead of investing their income in other worthwhile activities, such as donating to charities or supporting non-profit organizations.

In conclusion, while there are numerous reasons to explain the surge in the number of individuals opting for cosmetic surgery, I remain in agreement with those who believe that the drawbacks outweigh the advantages for both personal development and society.