as well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

At the outset, businesses which supporting social responsibility programs can boost employees' morale in the workplace because those employees may feel that they can contribute to the mission of making a better society for all members. According to Harvard Business School, nearly 70% of survey employees in Apple organization responded that they would not work for a company without social responsibilities and they will be more inspired, motivated and loyal with the value the company has been given, workers will put much effort in their work, and in turn boost profits of the firms.

Last but not least, businesses that implement social responsibility initiatives can increase customer retention and loyalty. The reason is that many purchases will know that a part of a company's gains will be channeled into social fairs, from which they will gladly pay a premium for goods. Recent research shows that a large majority of American consumers are more likely to buy products from a business that is willing to subsidize for needed people to share the burden with the authority.

To conclude, as well as making money, businesses also have social accountability. Therefore, my view totally leans toward this opinion.

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Errors and Improvements:

"businesses which supporting social responsibility programs"
-> "businesses that support social responsibility programs"
Explanation: Replace "which supporting" with "that support" for a more grammatically correct and formal expression.
"employees may feel that they can contribute to the mission of making a better society for all members"
-> "employees may feel that they can contribute to the mission of improving society for all members"
Explanation: "Making a better society for all members" is a bit informal. "Improving society for all members" is more formal and precise.
"according to Harvard Business School"
-> "according to a study by Harvard Business School"
Explanation: Adding "a study by" clarifies the source of the information, making the statement more specific and formal.
"survey employees in Apple organization"
-> "surveyed employees at Apple"
Explanation: "Survey employees in Apple organization" is awkward. "Surveyed employees at Apple" is more concise and clear.
"they will be more inspired, motivated and loyal with the value the company has been given, workers will put much effort in their work, and in turn boost profits of the firms"
-> "they are more inspired, motivated, and loyal to the company’s given values, leading to increased effort and, consequently, higher profits for the firms"
Explanation: The original sentence is overly wordy and lacks clarity. The revised version improves readability and maintains a formal tone.
"businesses that implement social responsibility initiatives"
-> "businesses that implement social responsibility programs"
Explanation: "Initiatives" is slightly less formal than "programs" in this context.
"The reason is that many purchases will know that a part of a company’s gains will be channeled into social fairs, from which they will gladly pay a premium for goods."
-> "The reason is that many consumers know that a portion of a company’s profits will be directed toward social causes, making them willing to pay a premium for its goods."
Explanation: "Purchases will know" is incorrect; it should be "consumers know." "Social fairs" is incorrect; it should be "social causes." The revised version clarifies the statement and improves readability.
"Recent research shows that a large majority of American consumers are more likely to buy products from a business that is willing to subsidize for needed people to share the burden with the authority."
-> "Recent research shows that a large majority of American consumers are more likely to buy products from a business that is willing to support social causes."
Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted and uses non-standard phrases ("subsidize for needed people," "share the burden with the authority"). The revised version simplifies and clarifies the meaning.
"as well as making money"
-> "in addition to making money"
Explanation: "As well as" is slightly informal; "in addition to" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"my view totally leans toward this opinion."
-> "I strongly support this view."
Explanation: "Totally leans toward this opinion" is informal and redundant; "I strongly support this view" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing.

These changes should help improve the formality, clarity, and precision of the essay, making it more suitable for academic purposes.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing the importance of businesses engaging in social responsibility initiatives. It acknowledges that businesses have social responsibilities and briefly touches upon the benefits of such actions on employees’ morale and customer loyalty.
- How to improve: The essay could improve by providing a more comprehensive analysis of the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the statement. It should delve deeper into the complexities of balancing profit-making with social responsibilities and offer a nuanced perspective.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance in agreement with the idea that businesses have social responsibilities. It consistently argues in favor of businesses engaging in social initiatives to benefit both employees and customers.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay could explicitly state the position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Additionally, it could anticipate and address potential counterarguments to strengthen the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the benefits of businesses engaging in social responsibility initiatives, such as boosting employee morale and increasing customer loyalty. However, these ideas lack depth and are not sufficiently extended or supported with evidence.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation of ideas, the essay should provide specific examples, statistics, or case studies to support claims. It should also elaborate on how social responsibility initiatives impact various stakeholders and society as a whole.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the relationship between businesses and social responsibilities. However, there are some instances of tangential discussion, such as referencing a survey conducted by the Harvard Business School and mentioning American consumers’ purchasing behavior.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should refrain from introducing unrelated information and instead concentrate on directly addressing the prompt. It should ensure that all points made are relevant to the central argument regarding businesses and social responsibilities.

Overall, while the essay presents a coherent argument in support of businesses having social responsibilities, it could significantly benefit from expanding on ideas, providing more evidence, and maintaining a sharper focus on the prompt. Strengthening these aspects would elevate the essay’s clarity, depth, and relevance, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. It begins with an introduction that sets up the discussion of businesses and social responsibility. Each paragraph follows a clear structure, with a topic sentence introducing the main idea followed by supporting details and examples. However, there are some instances of abrupt transitions between ideas, such as the shift from discussing employee morale to customer loyalty. Additionally, the conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing the main points more effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance logical coherence, consider using transitional phrases to smoothly connect ideas between paragraphs. Additionally, ensure that the conclusion effectively summarizes the main arguments presented in the essay, reinforcing the stance taken on the topic.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively to organize ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, such as the impact on employee morale and customer loyalty. However, there is room for improvement in paragraph length and unity. Some paragraphs contain only one or two sentences, which could be combined with adjacent paragraphs to create more cohesive and substantive units of discussion.
- How to improve: Aim for a balance of paragraph length, ensuring that each paragraph contains enough information to develop the main idea fully. Additionally, strive for unity within paragraphs by maintaining a clear focus on the topic sentence and providing sufficient supporting details and examples.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and maintain coherence. Examples include transition words and phrases like "At the outset," "Last but not least," and "To conclude," which help guide the reader through the progression of arguments. Additionally, pronouns and demonstrative adjectives are used effectively to reference previously mentioned concepts.
- How to improve: While the essay demonstrates competence in using cohesive devices, further diversification could enhance coherence. Experiment with a wider range of transitional phrases and consider incorporating cohesive devices within and between sentences to create smoother transitions and strengthen overall coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There are instances of effective word choice, such as "boost employees’ morale," "contribute to the mission," "loyal," and "retention." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further to enhance precision and clarity.
- How to improve: To broaden your range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms and related terms for key concepts. For example, instead of repeatedly using "social responsibility," you could use phrases like "corporate social responsibility," "ethical obligations," or "community engagement." Additionally, explore using more sophisticated vocabulary to convey ideas with greater depth and nuance.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are a few instances where word choice could be more precise. For instance, the phrase "social fairs" may be a typo or imprecise terminology. Additionally, the expression "needed people to share the burden with the authority" lacks clarity and could be refined for better understanding.
- How to improve: Aim for clarity and precision in your word choice to convey your ideas effectively. Review your essay to identify areas where terms may be ambiguous or vague. Consider replacing unclear phrases with more specific language that accurately communicates your intended meaning. Proofreading carefully can help catch typos and ensure that your vocabulary is used precisely.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates acceptable spelling accuracy overall. However, there are a few minor spelling errors, such as "fairs" instead of "affairs" and "loyal" instead of "loyalty." These errors do not significantly detract from the readability of the essay but could be improved for a more polished presentation.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to spelling when reviewing your writing. Consider using spell-checking tools or proofreading techniques to catch any errors before submitting your essay. Additionally, practice spelling common words and review any spelling patterns or rules that you find challenging to ensure greater accuracy in your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a satisfactory range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is a tendency towards simpler structures, and some sentences lack complexity and sophistication. For instance, "According to Harvard Business School, nearly 70% of survey employees in Apple organization responded that they would not work for a company without social responsibilities" is a complex sentence that effectively integrates a source, but it could be enhanced by varying the structure for better flow and clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures such as subordinate clauses, conditional sentences, and parallelism. Additionally, aim for a balance between simple and complex sentences to create a smoother and more engaging flow of ideas. For example, instead of relying solely on complex structures, try combining simple and complex sentences to achieve coherence and cohesion.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates adequate grammatical accuracy, but there are notable instances of errors and inconsistencies. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("businesses which supporting social responsibility programs"), article usage ("those employees may feel that they can contribute to the mission"), and punctuation errors ("Recent research shows that a large majority of American consumers are more likely to buy products from a business that is willing to subsidize for needed people to share the burden with the authority").
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it’s essential to review and revise sentences for proper subject-verb agreement, correct article usage, and accurate punctuation. Consider proofreading the essay carefully, paying particular attention to common grammatical errors. Additionally, practice using articles (definite and indefinite) correctly to improve clarity and precision in expression. Moreover, focus on punctuation rules, such as comma placement and the use of conjunctions, to ensure coherence and readability.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates competence in grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision. By incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy, the essay could achieve a higher band score in this criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

At the outset, businesses that support social responsibility programs can enhance employees’ morale in the workplace because they may feel they can contribute to the mission of improving society for all members. According to a study by Harvard Business School, nearly 70% of surveyed employees at Apple responded that they would not work for a company without social responsibilities. They are more inspired, motivated, and loyal to the company’s given values. Consequently, workers will put much effort into their work, leading to increased profits for the firms.

Additionally, businesses that implement social responsibility programs can increase customer retention and loyalty. The reason is that many consumers know that a portion of a company’s profits will be directed toward social causes, making them willing to pay a premium for its goods. Recent research shows that a large majority of American consumers are more likely to buy products from a business that is willing to support social causes.

In conclusion, as well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. Therefore, I strongly support this view.