Buying fashionable clothes is wasteful because people don't need new clothes all the time. Clothing should be bought and used more wisely.
Do you agree or disagree?
When the society develop, the demand about fashion also increase. Many people, especially young generation, already spend the great amount of money to follow this subject because of a lot of reasons. Whereas, the others hold the opposite view that clothings should be considerably, selectively bought. Personally speaking, I strongly believe in the opposing opinion and this essay will elaborate on my agreement.
It is easily understandable that some use money to buy fashionable clothings because they are presents for their industriousness and have enough ability to pay. For instance, a woman, who earn 50 million each month, can give herself a beautiful dress like a gift after hard-working months. They feel that they are deserved so these people can be willing to spend hundreds of dollars to serve themselves. For famous individuals like idol K-pop such as Black Pink, TWICE, because of the nature of occupation, they cannot wear usual clothes similar to normal residents, they must use the clothings, accessories of well-known, expensive brands. Maybe due to the fact that these idols are brand ambassadors so they have to look so pretty and luxurious to support the sale of company as the result of advertising to people.
Despites these motives above, we have to acknowledge that fabric should be bought more strategically and sensibly. Saving up the money is a good hobby that everyone ought to have, it can make this society more positive. Instead of wasting money for fashion, an individual can easily increase a fund for the purpose of amusement, possess a company or can conduct any type of charity business. Another reason, fashion is one of the biggest causes to lead to environmental pollution. In fact, fabric may lose hundreds of years to decompose completely, it can make bad impact on our environment like congestion in sewer line. Moreover, many company destructive forest to build farms to plant cotton plan and develop fashion industry. It means the thousands of many species of animal died for losing habitats. Similarly with the sea, as long as the ships, which transfer clothings from this nation to another, sometimes have accidents, oil spills will occur and contaminate the around areas.
In conclusion, while some citizens slurge for fashion due to hobbies or profession, I still believe in leading to a frugal and economic lifestyle. If civilians have a sum of money in bank account, it will be useful when they get older, they will have enough capacity to support themselves.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"When the society develop" -> "As society develops"
Explanation: The change from "When the society develop" to "As society develops" improves the sentence by using a more formal and grammatically correct structure. Additionally, "develops" is a more precise and active verb than "develop."
"Many people, especially young generation, already spend the great amount of money" -> "Many individuals, particularly the younger generation, already allocate a significant amount of funds"
Explanation: The revised sentence introduces more formal and specific language. "Allocate" is a more precise term than "spend," and "funds" is a more formal alternative to "money."
"because of a lot of reasons" -> "for various reasons"
Explanation: The phrase "because of a lot of reasons" is colloquial and can be improved by using the more formal expression "for various reasons." This change enhances the overall academic tone.
"clothings should be considerably, selectively bought" -> "clothing should be purchased thoughtfully and selectively"
Explanation: The term "clothings" is not standard English, and the revised phrase "clothing should be purchased thoughtfully and selectively" maintains the intended meaning while adhering to formal language conventions.
"Personally speaking, I strongly believe in the opposing opinion" -> "Personally, I firmly support the contrary view"
Explanation: The phrase "Personally speaking" is somewhat informal. Replacing it with "Personally" maintains the personal perspective while using a more formal expression. "Firmly support" is a more robust alternative to "strongly believe."
"it is easily understandable" -> "it is easily understandable"
Explanation: This phrase is acceptable, but for added clarity and formality, consider rephrasing to "it is easily understandable why."
"they are presents for their industriousness and have enough ability to pay" -> "they are rewards for their diligence, and they have the financial capacity"
Explanation: "Presents" may be confused with gifts; replacing it with "rewards" provides a more accurate meaning. Additionally, "industriousness" is replaced with "diligence" for a more formal term, and "ability to pay" is a more precise alternative to "enough ability."
"a woman, who earn 50 million each month" -> "a woman who earns 50 million each month"
Explanation: Correcting the subject-verb agreement by changing "earn" to "earns" ensures grammatical accuracy.
"they must use the clothings, accessories of well-known, expensive brands" -> "they must wear clothing and accessories from well-known, expensive brands"
Explanation: The term "clothings" is replaced with "clothing" for proper usage, and the sentence is slightly restructured for clarity and formality.
"Despites these motives above" -> "Despite these aforementioned motivations"
Explanation: The phrase "Despites these motives above" is grammatically incorrect. Replacing it with "Despite these aforementioned motivations" maintains the intended meaning and adheres to formal language conventions.
"Saving up the money is a good hobby" -> "Saving money is a commendable habit"
Explanation: The phrase "Saving up the money" is simplified to "Saving money," and "a good hobby" is replaced with "commendable habit" for a more formal expression.
"it can make this society more positive" -> "it can contribute to a more positive society"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and using "contribute to" instead of "make" enhances the formality of the expression.
"Instead of wasting money for fashion" -> "Rather than squandering money on fashion"
Explanation: The phrase "wasting money for fashion" is revised to "squandering money on fashion" for a more formal and precise choice of words.
"fabric should be bought more strategically and sensibly" -> "clothing should be purchased in a strategic and sensible manner"
Explanation: The term "fabric" is replaced with "clothing" for accuracy, and the sentence is refined for a more formal tone.
"If civilians have a sum of money in bank account" -> "If individuals have a sum of money in their bank accounts"
Explanation: The phrase "civilians" is replaced with "individuals" for a more neutral and formal term, and "bank account" is changed to "bank accounts" for grammatical accuracy.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Quoted text: "When the society develop, the demand about fashion also increase. Many people, especially young generation, already spend the great amount of money to follow this subject because of a lot of reasons. Whereas, the others hold the opposite view that clothings should be considerably, selectively bought. Personally speaking, I strongly believe in the opposing opinion and this essay will elaborate on my agreement."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction lacks clarity and conciseness. It’s crucial to clearly state your position on the topic and provide a brief overview of the main points you’ll discuss. Additionally, the sentence structure is complex, impacting the overall coherence. Simplify and reorganize the sentences for better readability.
- Improved example: "In today’s developing society, the demand for fashion is on the rise. Many, especially the younger generation, spend significant amounts on this trend. However, some argue for a more selective approach to clothing purchases. Personally, I firmly support the idea of thoughtful and selective buying, and this essay will delve into the reasons behind my stance."
Quoted text: "It is easily understandable that some use money to buy fashionable clothings because they are presents for their industriousness and have enough ability to pay. For instance, a woman, who earn 50 million each month, can give herself a beautiful dress like a gift after hard-working months. They feel that they are deserved so these people can be willing to spend hundreds of dollars to serve themselves."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While you provide an example, it lacks depth and specificity. To improve, elaborate on how such purchases act as rewards for hard work and tie it back to the idea of deserving. Offer more varied examples or personal experiences to bolster your argument. Also, ensure that the examples directly relate to the task, emphasizing the need for thoughtful clothing consumption.
- Improved example: "Many individuals see fashionable clothing as a well-deserved reward for their hard work. For instance, a professional woman earning 50 million each month may treat herself to a beautiful dress as a symbol of her dedication. Such instances highlight the personal significance attached to these purchases, reinforcing the idea that clothing can be a form of self-appreciation."
Quoted text: "Despites these motives above, we have to acknowledge that fabric should be bought more strategically and sensibly. Saving up the money is a good hobby that everyone ought to have, it can make this society more positive."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While you acknowledge the opposing viewpoint, your argument lacks elaboration. Provide more detailed reasons supporting the need for strategic and sensible clothing purchases. Discuss how saving money contributes to personal financial well-being and posit it as a positive societal practice. Connect these points explicitly to the task, emphasizing the idea that thoughtful clothing consumption aligns with broader societal benefits.
- Improved example: "Despite the motivations mentioned earlier, it is imperative to recognize the importance of strategic and sensible fabric purchasing. Saving money, for instance, is not just a personal hobby but a practice that contributes to financial well-being. This, in turn, fosters a positive society where individuals are mindful of their financial choices, aligning with the notion that thoughtful clothing consumption extends beyond personal benefits to societal positivity."
Overall, the essay addresses the task but lacks depth and coherence in some areas. Providing more specific and well-developed examples will enhance the overall Task Response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
The essay presents ideas but lacks clear organization and progression. It attempts to address both sides of the argument but does so in a way that lacks clarity. There are instances of cohesive devices used, but they are often inaccurate or overused, leading to some repetition and confusion. Paragraphing is attempted, but it lacks consistency and logical structure. The essay tries to present examples and reasons but does not create a cohesive and coherent flow.
How to improve:
- Organization and Progression: Work on structuring the essay more coherently by organizing ideas logically. Each paragraph should contribute to a clear progression of your argument.
- Cohesive Devices: Focus on using cohesive devices accurately and sparingly. Avoid repetitive use that might hinder the clarity of your message.
- Paragraphing: Ensure a clear, logical flow between paragraphs. Each paragraph should contain a central idea that contributes to the overall argument without causing confusion or repetition.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision in expression. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items, and the essay shows awareness of style and collocation. However, there are occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation. For example, "clothings" should be corrected to "clothing," and there are minor grammatical errors throughout the essay. The essay effectively presents contrasting viewpoints on buying fashionable clothes, supporting the argument for a more strategic and sensible approach to clothing consumption.
How to improve:
Accuracy: Review and correct minor errors in word choice, spelling, and grammar. For instance, proofread the essay to catch mistakes like "clothings," and ensure proper word forms are used throughout.
Sentence Structure: Work on enhancing sentence structure for greater clarity. Some sentences are complex and could be simplified for a smoother flow.
Development: Provide more depth and development of ideas. While the essay presents contrasting opinions, a more thorough exploration of the environmental impact and economic benefits of a frugal lifestyle would strengthen the argument.
Transition Words: Use transitional words and phrases to improve the coherence and flow between ideas. This will help guide the reader through the essay more smoothly.
Concluding Statement: Strengthen the concluding statement by summarizing the main points and reinforcing the stance on the topic.
By addressing these points, the essay can further improve its Lexical Resource and move towards a higher band score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, contributing to a moderate range of grammatical structures. While there are some errors in grammar and punctuation, they rarely hinder communication. The writer attempts to use a variety of sentence structures, but occasional inaccuracies and awkward phrasing are present.
How to improve:
- Sentence Structure: Aim for a greater variety of sentence structures. Introduce more complex sentences to enhance the overall grammatical range.
- Grammar and Punctuation: Pay attention to grammatical accuracy and punctuation. Some sentences may need revision to eliminate errors and improve clarity.
- Clarity and Coherence: Ensure that each sentence contributes coherently to the overall flow of ideas. Some expressions are unclear and might benefit from rephrasing for better coherence.
This essay is reasonably well-organized and communicates its main points effectively, but there is room for improvement in grammatical variety and accuracy.
Bài sửa mẫu
In the evolving society, the interest in fashion is on the rise. Many, especially the younger generation, allocate a significant portion of their income to stay updated in this domain for various reasons. However, contrasting opinions argue for a more prudent and selective approach towards clothing purchases. Personally, I align with the latter viewpoint, and this essay will delve into the reasons for my agreement.
It is understandable that some individuals invest in fashionable clothing as a reward for their hard work, given their financial capability. For example, a woman earning a substantial monthly income may treat herself to a beautiful dress after months of diligence. These individuals believe they deserve such indulgences, willingly spending hundreds of dollars on self-gratification. Similarly, public figures like K-pop idols, such as Black Pink and TWICE, compelled by the demands of their profession, are obligated to wear clothing and accessories from renowned, expensive brands. This is often due to their role as brand ambassadors, requiring them to present a sophisticated and luxurious image to boost their company’s sales through effective advertising.
Despite these motivations, it is crucial to recognize that a more strategic and sensible approach to clothing acquisition is necessary. Cultivating the habit of saving money is a positive endeavor that everyone should adopt. Instead of squandering funds on fleeting fashion trends, individuals can channel their resources towards entertainment, entrepreneurial pursuits, or charitable activities. Additionally, it’s essential to acknowledge the environmental repercussions of the fashion industry. Fabrics can take hundreds of years to decompose, contributing to environmental pollution, particularly in sewer systems. Furthermore, the fashion industry often leads to deforestation for cotton plantations and factory construction, resulting in the loss of habitats for numerous animal species. Similarly, the transportation of clothing via ships poses environmental risks, such as oil spills that can contaminate surrounding areas.
In conclusion, while some may indulge in fashion for personal enjoyment or professional requirements, I advocate for a frugal and economically conscious lifestyle. Accumulating savings not only ensures financial security in old age but also provides individuals with the capacity to support themselves independently. Adopting a more prudent approach to clothing choices can contribute positively to both personal finances and environmental sustainability.