Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries. Explain the main causes of this problem, and suggest some possible solutions.

Obesity has recently garnered significant attention globally due to its detrimental impact on human health. This essay will explore several reasons for childhood obesity and propose some viable solutions to mitigate this growing problem.
There are two major reasons why more and more children are becoming obese. First of all, due to the advancement in technology, having access to the Internet is readily available, offering some addictive content such as online games or videos, which means some children can waste a huge amount of time on these activities instead of doing exercise. This sedentary lifestyle burns out a few calories, resulting in a higher rate of childhood obesity in the long term. Furthermore, in some cases, parents may assume a high volume of work to deal with fast-paced living. This makes them opt for fast food for the children’s meal because of its convenience as they do not have enough time to prepare a nutritious one. The combination of a sedentary lifestyle and the excessive calories-dense intake might make children become overweight.
However, the issue can be alleviated if parents and school collaborate. Firstly, parents need to monitor their children’s diet and electronic device usage, ensuring that they consume the right calorie quantities required for their bodies. Additionally, parents should also be role models as children are likely to mimic their lifestyle. For example, they can participate in social activities or do exercise in a daily routine and then encourage their children to engage together. Secondly, school can play an important role in the effort to prevent childhood obesity. Given that some parents have to work overtime, schools now can provide additional healthy school meal options for dinner. Moreover, physical education programs, as well as nutrition courses can be integrated into curriculums to help students learn how to keep their bodies in shape. In Vietnam, at primary and secondary school, students are required to do some light exercise during break time with the physical teacher’s instructure.
In conclusion, a soaring number of obese children can be the combined result of an increase in their consumption of junk food and a decrease in physical activities. This status quo will improve when parents and schools monitor children’s eating habits and daily schedule more attentively.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Obesity has recently garnered significant attention globally" -> "Obesity has recently received significant global attention"
Explanation: The phrase "garnered significant attention" is slightly informal and less precise. "Received significant global attention" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.
"due to its detrimental impact on human health" -> "owing to its detrimental effects on human health"
Explanation: "Owing to" is a more formal preposition than "due to," and "effects" is a more precise term than "impact" in this context, enhancing the academic tone.
"more and more children are becoming obese" -> "an increasing number of children are becoming obese"
Explanation: "More and more" is colloquial and vague; "an increasing number of" is more precise and formal.
"having access to the Internet is readily available" -> "Internet access is readily available"
Explanation: Simplifying "having access to the Internet is readily available" to "Internet access is readily available" streamlines the sentence and maintains formality.
"some addictive content such as online games or videos" -> "addictive content such as online games and videos"
Explanation: Removing "such as" after "addictive content" avoids redundancy and enhances clarity.
"waste a huge amount of time" -> "spend excessive time"
Explanation: "Spend excessive time" is more formal and precise than "waste a huge amount of time," which is somewhat colloquial.
"burns out a few calories" -> "expends a few calories"
Explanation: "Expends" is a more formal and precise term than "burns out" in this context, referring to the caloric expenditure.
"a high volume of work" -> "a significant workload"
Explanation: "A significant workload" is a more precise and formal expression than "a high volume of work."
"opt for fast food" -> "choose fast food"
Explanation: "Choose" is more formal and appropriate in academic writing than "opt for," which is slightly informal.
"excessive calories-dense intake" -> "excessive calorie-dense intake"
Explanation: Correcting the typo "calories-dense" to "calorie-dense" improves accuracy and maintains formality.
"can be alleviated if parents and school collaborate" -> "can be mitigated if parents and schools collaborate"
Explanation: "Mitigated" is more specific to the context of reducing the severity of a problem, and "schools" should be plural to include all educational institutions.
"monitor their children’s diet and electronic device usage" -> "monitor their children’s dietary habits and electronic device usage"
Explanation: "Dietary habits" is a more precise term than "diet," and it aligns better with the context of ongoing practices rather than a single meal.
"participate in social activities or do exercise" -> "engage in social activities or exercise"
Explanation: "Engage in" is more formal and precise than "participate in" in this context, and removing "do" before "exercise" avoids redundancy.
"in a daily routine" -> "daily"
Explanation: Removing "in a" before "daily" simplifies the phrase and maintains the formal tone.
"light exercise" -> "moderate exercise"
Explanation: "Moderate" is a more specific and academically appropriate term than "light" when describing the intensity of exercise.
"with the physical teacher’s instructure" -> "with the physical education teacher’s guidance"
Explanation: "Guidance" is more specific and formal than "instructure," which is likely a typographical error. Also, "physical education teacher" is more precise than "physical teacher."
"a soaring number of obese children" -> "a significant increase in the number of obese children"
Explanation: "A significant increase in the number of" is more precise and formal than "a soaring number of," which is somewhat colloquial.
"This status quo will improve" -> "This situation will improve"
Explanation: "Situation" is a more formal term than "status quo," which is typically used to describe a prevailing condition rather than a change in it.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt by identifying the main causes of childhood obesity—specifically, a sedentary lifestyle due to technology and poor dietary choices due to parental convenience. The solutions proposed, including parental monitoring and school initiatives, are relevant and well-articulated. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit connection between the causes and solutions, particularly in how addressing these causes can directly lead to the proposed solutions.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could explicitly link each cause to its corresponding solution. For example, after discussing the sedentary lifestyle, the essay could suggest specific activities that parents can encourage to counteract this issue, such as family exercise routines or outdoor playtime.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that childhood obesity is a significant issue and that both parents and schools have roles in addressing it. The stance is consistent throughout, with a logical flow from causes to solutions. However, the conclusion could be strengthened by reiterating the importance of collaboration between parents and schools more emphatically.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer should ensure that the conclusion not only summarizes the main points but also reinforces the urgency of the issue and the necessity of the proposed solutions. A strong concluding statement that emphasizes the collective responsibility could enhance the overall impact.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas clearly and extends them with relevant examples, such as the role of parents and schools in combating obesity. The use of specific examples, like the mention of light exercise in Vietnamese schools, adds depth. However, some ideas could be further developed. For instance, the section on parental roles could include more specific strategies for how parents can monitor and encourage healthier habits.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and perhaps statistics or studies that support the claims made. For instance, citing research on the impact of parental involvement on children’s health could strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic of childhood obesity throughout, with all points directly related to the causes and solutions. There are no noticeable deviations from the topic, which is commendable. However, the phrase "this status quo will improve" in the conclusion could be clearer in its reference to the specific actions that will lead to improvement.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all concluding remarks are directly tied back to the main points discussed. Clarifying what "this status quo" refers to in the conclusion would help reinforce the essay’s focus and make the argument more compelling.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured response. With some enhancements in linking causes to solutions, reinforcing the position, and providing more detailed support for ideas, it could achieve an even higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is structured in a logical manner, beginning with an introduction that clearly outlines the topic and the points to be discussed. The body paragraphs are organized around two main causes of childhood obesity, followed by a section on potential solutions. Each paragraph flows well into the next, maintaining a clear focus on the topic. For instance, the transition from discussing causes to solutions is smooth, with appropriate linking phrases that guide the reader through the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using more explicit transitional phrases between paragraphs. For example, at the end of the second paragraph, a sentence summarizing the causes before introducing the solutions could strengthen the connection between sections. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence can further clarify the main idea being discussed.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first body paragraph discusses the causes, while the second focuses on solutions. This clear separation aids in reader comprehension and maintains a coherent structure throughout the essay.
- How to improve: While the paragraphing is generally effective, consider ensuring that each paragraph contains a balance of evidence and explanation. For instance, the second body paragraph could benefit from more detailed examples of how schools can implement healthy meal options or physical education programs. This would not only strengthen the argument but also provide a clearer picture of the proposed solutions.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions and transitional phrases (e.g., "first of all," "however," "additionally"). These devices help to connect ideas and guide the reader through the argument. The use of phrases like "for example" effectively introduces specific instances that support the main points.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, using "in addition to" or "consequently" could enhance the sophistication of the writing. Additionally, varying sentence structures can also improve cohesion; for example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "parents should," try mixing in different sentence openings to maintain reader interest and improve flow.

Overall, the essay demonstrates strong coherence and cohesion, with a clear structure and effective use of cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can further enhance the clarity and sophistication of their argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "detrimental," "sedentary lifestyle," and "calorie-dense." However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied and sophisticated. For example, the phrase "waste a huge amount of time" could be replaced with "spend excessive time," which sounds more formal and precise.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and more advanced expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "obesity," alternatives like "overweight" or "excessive weight" could be used. Reading academic articles or essays on similar topics can help expose the writer to a broader vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, there are moments of imprecision. For instance, the phrase "burns out a few calories" is misleading; it would be more accurate to say "burns fewer calories" or "burns minimal calories." Additionally, the term "high volume of work" could be more clearly expressed as "heavy workload."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on choosing words that accurately convey their intended meaning. This can be achieved by revising sentences for clarity and ensuring that the vocabulary aligns with the context. Practicing paraphrasing exercises can also help in selecting more precise terms.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "instructure," which should be "instructor." Such mistakes can detract from the overall quality of the writing and may confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy. This could include reading the essay aloud to catch errors, using spell-check tools, or writing down commonly misspelled words for practice. Additionally, maintaining a habit of reviewing vocabulary lists can reinforce correct spelling.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, improving vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will help elevate the Lexical Resource score in future writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences such as "This sedentary lifestyle burns out a few calories, resulting in a higher rate of childhood obesity in the long term." However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a reliance on similar structures, which can detract from the overall fluency and engagement of the text. For example, phrases like "First of all" and "Secondly" are used to introduce points, which can lead to a monotonous rhythm.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider using different transitional phrases (e.g., "To begin with," "In addition," "Moreover") and varying the sentence length and complexity. Incorporating more compound and complex sentences, as well as using clauses effectively, can also add depth. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "This," try rephrasing to create more dynamic openings.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are a few errors that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "the excessive calories-dense intake might make children become overweight" could be more accurately phrased as "the excessive intake of calorie-dense foods might lead to children becoming overweight." Additionally, there are minor punctuation issues, such as missing commas that could improve readability, particularly in complex sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is advisable to review the use of articles and prepositions, as well as to practice constructing sentences that clearly convey the intended meaning. Paying attention to punctuation, especially in longer sentences, can help clarify relationships between ideas. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on written work can also be beneficial in identifying and correcting recurring errors.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will enhance the overall quality and coherence of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Obesity has recently received significant global attention owing to its detrimental effects on human health. This essay will explore several reasons for childhood obesity and propose some viable solutions to mitigate this growing problem.

There are two major reasons why an increasing number of children are becoming obese. First of all, due to advancements in technology, Internet access is readily available, offering addictive content such as online games and videos. This means some children can spend excessive time on these activities instead of engaging in exercise. This sedentary lifestyle expends a few calories, resulting in a higher rate of childhood obesity in the long term. Furthermore, in some cases, parents may have a significant workload due to fast-paced living. This leads them to choose fast food for their children’s meals because of its convenience, as they do not have enough time to prepare nutritious options. The combination of a sedentary lifestyle and excessive calorie-dense intake can contribute to children becoming overweight.

However, the issue can be mitigated if parents and schools collaborate. Firstly, parents need to monitor their children’s dietary habits and electronic device usage, ensuring that they consume the appropriate calorie quantities required for their bodies. Additionally, parents should serve as role models, as children are likely to mimic their lifestyle. For example, they can engage in social activities or moderate exercise daily and encourage their children to participate together. Secondly, schools can play an important role in the effort to prevent childhood obesity. Given that some parents have to work overtime, schools can provide additional healthy meal options for dinner. Moreover, physical education programs, as well as nutrition courses, can be integrated into curriculums to help students learn how to maintain their health. In Vietnam, for instance, at primary and secondary schools, students are required to do some light exercise during break time under the physical education teacher’s guidance.

In conclusion, a significant increase in the number of obese children can be attributed to a rise in junk food consumption and a decrease in physical activity. This situation will improve when parents and schools monitor children’s eating habits and daily schedules more attentively.