Children are now less active in their free time than in the past. Therefore, sports lessons must be compulsory in schools. To what extent do you agree or disagree ? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience
Children are now less active in their free time than in the past. Therefore, sports lessons must be compulsory in schools. To what extent do you agree or disagree ? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience
These days, with the development of technology and social media, most young people are increasingly dependent on them. In addition, in their free time, they are now less active than in the past. Thus, schools should make sports lessons a mandatory subject for young students. I completely agree with this view for several reasons, and I will explain the shift in this essay.
The first argument given to support my opinion is that parents nowadays are becoming busier because their jobs need a lot of time. As a result, they allow their children to fall into bad habits of screen addiction. Therefore, organizing physical activities is very necessary. It helps students improve health very well; for instance, regular exercise helps regulate sleep patterns, making it easier to fall asleep.
Another point worth noting is that sports lessons help newborns develop essential life skills such as time management skills. Children need to manage their time between studying and other responsibilities, teaching them to organize their schedules and avoid delays. Furthermore, in team sports, students need to communicate effectively with their teammates to coordinate strategies, make quick decisions, and support one another. This improves both verbal and non-verbal communication skills. Admittedly, physical activities improve offspring's mental well-being. After stressful class hours, children can have a rest time or relaxation by playing outdoor activities.
To sum up, participating in sports can bring them many physical and mental benefits. Thus, it will not be a wrong decision to make sports lessons compulsory in schools.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"These days" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "These days." -
"most young people" -> "many young individuals"
Explanation: "Many young individuals" is more formal and avoids the vagueness of "most young people," which can imply a generalization that may not be universally true. -
"are now less active" -> "are increasingly inactive"
Explanation: "Increasingly inactive" is a more precise and formal way to describe the trend, enhancing the academic tone of the statement. -
"make sports lessons a mandatory subject" -> "require sports as a compulsory subject"
Explanation: "Require sports as a compulsory subject" is more formal and precise, aligning better with academic language by using "compulsory" instead of "mandatory." -
"I completely agree with this view" -> "I strongly support this perspective"
Explanation: "I strongly support this perspective" is more formal and academically appropriate than "I completely agree with this view," which is somewhat informal. -
"the shift in this essay" -> "the rationale presented in this essay"
Explanation: "The rationale presented in this essay" is more specific and formal, clarifying that the following points are part of the essay’s argument. -
"parents nowadays are becoming busier" -> "parents are increasingly busy"
Explanation: "Parents are increasingly busy" is a more concise and formal way to express the idea, avoiding the colloquial "nowadays." -
"their jobs need a lot of time" -> "their occupations require significant time commitments"
Explanation: "Their occupations require significant time commitments" is more formal and precise, replacing the vague "a lot of time." -
"allow their children to fall into bad habits" -> "permit their children to develop unhealthy habits"
Explanation: "Permit their children to develop unhealthy habits" is more formal and specific, avoiding the colloquial "fall into bad habits." -
"organizing physical activities is very necessary" -> "organizing physical activities is essential"
Explanation: "Essential" is a more formal synonym for "very necessary," enhancing the academic tone. -
"helps students improve health very well" -> "significantly enhances students’ health"
Explanation: "Significantly enhances students’ health" is more formal and precise, avoiding the informal "helps students improve health very well." -
"newborns develop essential life skills" -> "children develop essential life skills"
Explanation: "Children" is the correct term for young people, replacing the incorrect "newborns," which refers to infants shortly after birth. -
"teaching them to organize their schedules and avoid delays" -> "enabling them to manage their schedules effectively and avoid delays"
Explanation: "Enabling them to manage their schedules effectively and avoid delays" is more formal and precise, emphasizing the ability to manage schedules effectively. -
"improves offspring’s mental well-being" -> "enhances the mental well-being of offspring"
Explanation: "Enhances the mental well-being of offspring" is grammatically correct and more formal, replacing the awkward and incorrect "improves offspring’s." -
"a rest time or relaxation" -> "a period of rest or relaxation"
Explanation: "A period of rest or relaxation" is more formal and precise, replacing the colloquial "a rest time." -
"it will not be a wrong decision" -> "this decision would not be incorrect"
Explanation: "This decision would not be incorrect" is more formal and avoids the colloquial "it will not be a wrong decision."
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly stating a position in favor of making sports lessons compulsory in schools. The introduction outlines the context of decreased physical activity among children and presents a clear agreement with the statement. The body paragraphs provide reasons supporting this viewpoint, including the impact of parental busyness and the benefits of sports lessons on life skills and mental well-being. However, while the essay touches on the reasons for the position, it could delve deeper into counterarguments or alternative perspectives to fully explore the extent of agreement.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, consider briefly acknowledging opposing views or the potential drawbacks of mandatory sports lessons. This would demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the topic and strengthen the argument by addressing potential counterarguments.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently supporting the idea that sports lessons should be compulsory. Phrases like "I completely agree with this view" reinforce the author’s stance. The logical flow from one argument to another helps to sustain this clarity. However, the conclusion could be more assertive in reiterating the main argument, as it somewhat softens the position with "it will not be a wrong decision."
- How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by restating the position more emphatically. For example, instead of suggesting it "will not be a wrong decision," assert that making sports lessons compulsory is essential for the well-being of children.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several relevant ideas, such as the impact of parental busyness and the development of life skills through sports. Each point is supported with examples, such as the regulation of sleep patterns and the enhancement of communication skills. However, some ideas could be more fully developed. For instance, the mention of "screen addiction" could be expanded with statistics or further examples to illustrate the severity of the issue.
- How to improve: To improve the depth of the essay, provide more detailed examples or data to support claims. Incorporating specific studies or statistics related to children’s physical activity and mental health could add credibility and depth to the arguments.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic of physical activity and the necessity of sports lessons in schools. Each paragraph contributes to the central argument without straying into unrelated areas. However, the use of the term "newborns" in the second body paragraph is misleading, as it should refer to "children" or "students," which could confuse the reader regarding the target demographic.
- How to improve: Ensure precise language is used throughout the essay. Replace "newborns" with "children" or "students" to maintain clarity and relevance. Additionally, consistently refer back to the prompt to ensure all points made are directly related to the necessity of compulsory sports lessons.
By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay could potentially achieve a higher band score, demonstrating a more comprehensive understanding and engagement with the prompt.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument in favor of making sports lessons compulsory in schools, with a logical progression from the introduction to the conclusion. Each paragraph addresses a distinct point supporting the thesis. For example, the first paragraph discusses the impact of parents’ busy schedules on children’s activity levels, while the second paragraph elaborates on the life skills developed through sports. However, the connection between ideas could be strengthened; transitions between points are sometimes abrupt, which can disrupt the reader’s understanding of how each argument builds upon the previous one.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas. For instance, at the beginning of the second paragraph, you could use phrases like "Building on this point" or "In addition to health benefits" to create smoother transitions. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence can help guide the reader through your argument.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph focuses on a specific argument, contributing to the overall coherence. However, the second paragraph is somewhat lengthy and covers multiple points, which can dilute the focus and clarity of the argument.
- How to improve: Aim for more balanced paragraph lengths by splitting longer paragraphs into two. For example, the second paragraph could be divided into two: one focusing on life skills and the other on mental well-being. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point and enhance clarity.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "therefore," "as a result," and "furthermore," which help to link ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be more explicit. For example, the transition from discussing screen addiction to the necessity of physical activities could be made clearer with a cohesive device that explicitly links the two ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "consequently," "in contrast," or "for example." Additionally, using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas can help maintain coherence without repetitive phrasing. For instance, instead of repeating "sports lessons," you could use "these activities" in subsequent references.
By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially elevating the band score in this criterion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "screen addiction," "physical activities," and "essential life skills." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly with phrases like "sports lessons" and "children," which appear multiple times without variation. This limits the overall lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "sports lessons," you could use "physical education classes," "athletic training," or "sports activities." Additionally, incorporating more advanced vocabulary related to health and education could elevate the essay’s lexical quality.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "improve health very well" is vague and could be more specific. The term "newborns" is also misleading in the context, as it refers to infants rather than children.
- How to improve: Aim for more precise language by clarifying your statements. Instead of "improve health very well," consider "enhance physical fitness" or "promote overall health." Replace "newborns" with "children" or "young students" to accurately reflect the intended audience. This will help convey your ideas more clearly and effectively.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "offspring’s" which should be "children’s" in this context. While the overall spelling is mostly accurate, these minor mistakes can detract from the professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After completing the essay, take a moment to read it aloud or use spell-check tools. Additionally, familiarize yourself with commonly misspelled words in English, particularly those related to your topic, to reduce errors in future essays.
By addressing these areas of improvement, you can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion for IELTS Task 2 essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "As a result, they allow their children to fall into bad habits of screen addiction," which effectively conveys cause and effect. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the sentence "It helps students improve health very well" is somewhat simplistic and could benefit from a more complex structure to enhance clarity and depth.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For example, instead of starting with "Another point worth noting," you could use "In addition to the aforementioned benefits, it is crucial to recognize that…" This not only adds variety but also strengthens the connection between ideas. Experimenting with different ways to present examples and counterarguments can also enhance the overall complexity of the writing.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some notable errors. For instance, the phrase "helps students improve health very well" lacks clarity and could be more accurately expressed as "helps students significantly improve their health." Additionally, the use of "newborns" in the context of discussing school-aged children is incorrect and indicates a misunderstanding of the target age group. Punctuation is mostly correct, but the essay could benefit from clearer separation of ideas, particularly in longer sentences.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and ensure that vocabulary is appropriate for the context. For example, replace "newborns" with "young children" to accurately reflect the intended audience. Additionally, pay attention to the use of articles and prepositions, as these small details can significantly impact clarity. Practicing sentence combining and restructuring can also help improve overall grammatical precision.
By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.
Bài sửa mẫu
These days, with the development of technology and social media, many young individuals are increasingly dependent on them. In addition, in their free time, they are now less active than in the past. Thus, schools should require sports lessons as a compulsory subject for young students. I strongly support this perspective for several reasons, and I will explain the rationale presented in this essay.
The first argument supporting my opinion is that parents are increasingly busy because their occupations require significant time commitments. As a result, they permit their children to develop unhealthy habits, such as screen addiction. Therefore, organizing physical activities is essential. It significantly enhances students’ health; for instance, regular exercise helps regulate sleep patterns, making it easier to fall asleep.
Another point worth noting is that sports lessons help children develop essential life skills, such as time management. Children need to manage their time between studying and other responsibilities, which teaches them to organize their schedules effectively and avoid delays. Furthermore, in team sports, students must communicate effectively with their teammates to coordinate strategies, make quick decisions, and support one another. This enhances both verbal and non-verbal communication skills. Admittedly, physical activities also enhance the mental well-being of offspring. After stressful class hours, children can enjoy a period of rest or relaxation by engaging in outdoor activities.
To sum up, participating in sports can bring many physical and mental benefits. Thus, this decision would not be incorrect, as making sports lessons compulsory in schools would greatly benefit students.