Dang Khoa
Dang Khoa
These days,it is widely believed that fast food,due to its detrimental impact on people's health,might be prohibited to protect public well-being.From my view, even though it has some demerits, I still strongly disagree with this opinion, and this essay will explain further with reason.
One reason why fast food needs to remain available is the convenience it provides.While regular food is often not delivered quickly, forcing customers to wait, fast food is a good option for those who cannot wait.This allows them to spend more quality time for other tasks.Taking the doctors ,for instance,consuming fast food frequently might not be unavoidable when workloads and emergencies continuously arise within a short time.
This, hence,leads to not having enough time to wait for regular food, and forcing them to opt for fast food.Another reason for the persistence of fast food is its widespread presence. Being able to purchase almost everywhere in the metropolis makes it easy for customers to find without encountering any challenges.These conveniences, as a result, help to draw people’ s attention and have continued to sustain until now despite any drawbacks.
Moreover,the suitability of fast food for all people ,which is one of the reasons it should not be forbidden to consume.By maintaining food prices at an affordable level, fast food becomes an appropriate solution in an era where everything is becoming more expensive.This leads to a close approach to customers across all levels of society when each individual is able to purchase easily without concern about the cost.Additionally, compared with other food and fast food ,While the latter not only has a reasonable price but is also capable of innovating flavors by regularly updating its new menu in order to maintain customer ‘s interest ,the former usually fails to keep customer base in a long run due to its excessive familiarity with old tastes.For example, Mcdonald often try to apply new strategies by combining different flavors together create new one such as phở -flavored burger .This, thereby, results in arousing a lot of curiosity of customers as well as attracting their attention to try it .
In conclusion, I still hold a belief that fast food should not be banned due to its convenience ,such as the quick service in delivering food and the widespread presence , and its suitability , including low cost and innovative flavors
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"These days,it" -> "Currently,"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator than "These days," which is somewhat colloquial and vague. -
"due to its detrimental impact on people’s health,might be prohibited" -> "owing to its detrimental effects on public health, it might be prohibited"
Explanation: "Owing to" is more formal than "due to," and "public health" is a more precise term than "people’s health." Also, "it" is more direct and formal than "might be." -
"From my view" -> "From my perspective"
Explanation: "From my perspective" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "From my view." -
"I still strongly disagree" -> "I remain strongly opposed"
Explanation: "Remain strongly opposed" is a more formal expression than "still strongly disagree," which sounds slightly informal. -
"Taking the doctors,for instance," -> "For example, doctors"
Explanation: "For example, doctors" is grammatically correct and more formal than "Taking the doctors,for instance," which is awkward and incorrect. -
"consuming fast food frequently might not be unavoidable" -> "frequent consumption of fast food may not be unavoidable"
Explanation: "Frequent consumption of fast food" is more precise and formal than "consuming fast food frequently," and "may" is more appropriate than "might" in formal writing. -
"This, hence,leads to not having enough time" -> "This, therefore, results in insufficient time"
Explanation: "Therefore" is more formal than "hence," and "results in insufficient time" is clearer and more formal than "leads to not having enough time." -
"Being able to purchase almost everywhere in the metropolis" -> "Being available almost everywhere in the metropolis"
Explanation: "Being available" is a more precise and formal way to describe the accessibility of fast food. -
"help to draw people’ s attention" -> "attracts people’s attention"
Explanation: "Attracts" is a more direct and formal verb than "help to draw," which is somewhat vague and informal. -
"have continued to sustain until now" -> "have continued to endure until now"
Explanation: "Endure" is more precise and formal than "sustain" in this context, indicating persistence despite challenges. -
"the suitability of fast food for all people" -> "the suitability of fast food for all individuals"
Explanation: "Individuals" is a more formal term than "people" in academic writing. -
"fast food becomes an appropriate solution" -> "fast food serves as a viable solution"
Explanation: "Serves as a viable solution" is more formal and precise than "becomes an appropriate solution." -
"While the latter not only has a reasonable price but is also capable of innovating flavors" -> "While the latter offers reasonable pricing and innovative flavors"
Explanation: "Offers reasonable pricing and innovative flavors" is more concise and formal than the original phrase. -
"the former usually fails to keep customer base in a long run" -> "the former typically fails to retain its customer base over the long term"
Explanation: "Typically fails to retain its customer base over the long term" is more formal and precise than "usually fails to keep customer base in a long run." -
"Mcdonald often try to apply new strategies" -> "McDonald’s often attempts to implement new strategies"
Explanation: "Attempts to implement" is more formal and correct than "try to apply," and "McDonald’s" should be capitalized as it is a proper noun. -
"create new one such as phở-flavored burger" -> "introduce new flavors such as phở-flavored burgers"
Explanation: "Introduce new flavors" is more precise and formal than "create new one," and "burgers" should be plural to match the context. -
"I still hold a belief" -> "I still maintain the belief"
Explanation: "Maintain the belief" is a more formal expression than "hold a belief," which is slightly informal for academic writing.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by presenting a clear argument against the prohibition of fast food. The writer identifies two main reasons: convenience and affordability, which are relevant to the discussion of fast food’s role in society. The examples provided, such as the demands on doctors’ time and the affordability of fast food, support these points well. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint regarding health concerns, which would enhance the depth of the argument.
- How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer should briefly acknowledge the health risks associated with fast food and then counter these points with the arguments presented. This would demonstrate a more balanced understanding of the topic and strengthen the overall argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer maintains a clear position against banning fast food throughout the essay. Phrases like "I still strongly disagree with this opinion" and "I still hold a belief that fast food should not be banned" reinforce this stance. However, the position could be more effectively communicated by explicitly linking the reasons back to the central thesis at the end of each paragraph.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity and consistency, the writer should regularly refer back to the main argument in each paragraph. For instance, concluding each point with a sentence that ties the reason back to the overall thesis would reinforce the position and provide a cohesive structure.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the benefits of fast food, such as convenience and affordability. The examples provided, like the situation of busy doctors and the innovative menu items at McDonald’s, effectively support these ideas. However, some points could be more elaborated, particularly the implications of these benefits on public health or societal trends.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on the implications of each point. For example, discussing how the convenience of fast food affects lifestyle choices or public health trends could provide a deeper analysis and strengthen the argument.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons why fast food should not be banned. However, there are moments where the argument could be more tightly focused. For instance, the discussion about the innovative flavors could be better connected to the overall argument about accessibility and affordability.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that each point directly supports the main argument. This can be achieved by explicitly linking each example back to the central thesis and avoiding tangential discussions that do not directly contribute to the argument against banning fast food.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, there are areas for improvement in addressing opposing viewpoints, enhancing clarity, elaborating on ideas, and maintaining focus. By implementing these suggestions, the writer could further strengthen their essay and potentially achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance against the prohibition of fast food, which is articulated in the introduction. The arguments are structured in a logical sequence, starting with convenience and followed by affordability and innovation. However, the transitions between points could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing convenience to affordability feels abrupt, lacking a clear linking sentence that ties the two ideas together.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas. For example, after discussing convenience, you might add a sentence like, "In addition to convenience, affordability is another crucial factor that supports the continued availability of fast food." This would help guide the reader more effectively through your arguments.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct reason for the argument against banning fast food. However, the paragraphs could be more clearly defined. The second paragraph, for instance, contains multiple ideas that could be better organized into separate paragraphs, such as the convenience of fast food and its widespread availability.
- How to improve: Aim to create a clearer structure by ensuring each paragraph has a single main idea. For example, you could split the second paragraph into two: one focusing solely on convenience and the other on the widespread presence of fast food. This would allow for more in-depth exploration of each point and improve clarity.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Moreover" and "Additionally," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the use of cohesive devices feels mechanical or forced. For example, the phrase "This, hence, leads to not having enough time" could be rephrased for better flow.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "Moreover" or "Additionally," consider alternatives like "Furthermore," "In addition," or "On the other hand" when presenting contrasting ideas. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used naturally within the context of the sentences to maintain a smooth flow.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, focusing on improving transitions, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices will enhance the overall coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some effective word choices such as "detrimental impact," "convenience," and "widespread presence." However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the repeated use of "fast food" and "convenience" could be replaced with synonyms or paraphrased to enhance lexical diversity. The phrase "appropriate solution" is somewhat generic and could be expressed with more specific terms related to affordability or accessibility.
- How to improve: To improve lexical variety, the writer should consider using synonyms or related phrases. For instance, instead of repeating "fast food," alternatives like "quick-service meals" or "takeaway options" could be employed. Additionally, exploring more descriptive adjectives or adverbs could enrich the text, such as using "affordable" instead of "low cost" or "accessible" instead of "easy to find."
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, but there are also areas where word choice is imprecise or awkward. For example, the phrase "consuming fast food frequently might not be unavoidable" is convoluted and could be simplified. The phrase "arousing a lot of curiosity of customers" would be better expressed as "arousing significant curiosity among customers." Additionally, "the former usually fails to keep customer base" lacks clarity and could be more effectively stated as "traditional restaurants often struggle to maintain their customer base."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clarity and conciseness. Simplifying complex phrases and ensuring that each word contributes meaningfully to the sentence will improve overall comprehension. Using more specific terms and avoiding vague expressions will also help convey ideas more clearly.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "Mcdonald" (should be "McDonald’s") and "customer ‘s" (should be "customers’"). Additionally, the phrase "create new one" should be "create a new one." These errors detract from the professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify errors. Additionally, practicing spelling common words and phrases related to the topic can enhance overall writing quality.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, refining word choice for clarity, and ensuring correct spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and some complex sentences. For instance, the use of "One reason why fast food needs to remain available is the convenience it provides" effectively introduces a point. However, the essay relies heavily on straightforward constructions, which limits the overall complexity and sophistication of the writing. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "the former usually fails to keep customer base in a long run due to its excessive familiarity with old tastes," which could be more clearly articulated.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses and varied conjunctions. For example, instead of saying, "fast food is a good option for those who cannot wait," the writer could say, "for individuals who find themselves pressed for time, fast food serves as a viable alternative, allowing them to balance their busy schedules." Practicing the use of relative clauses, conditional sentences, and varied sentence openings can also contribute to a richer grammatical range.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For example, there are missing spaces after commas and periods, such as in "these days,it is widely believed" and "doctors ,for instance." Additionally, the phrase "the former usually fails to keep customer base in a long run" lacks the article "the" before "customer base," which is necessary for grammatical accuracy. Furthermore, there are instances of incorrect verb forms and agreement, such as "Mcdonald often try" which should be "Mcdonald often tries."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, particularly with subject-verb agreement and article usage. It may be beneficial to review punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas and spaces. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrasing and grammatical mistakes. Additionally, practicing with grammar exercises focused on common problem areas can enhance overall accuracy.
In summary, while the essay presents a clear argument, the writer should work on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy to achieve a higher band score. Regular practice and careful proofreading will be key to making these improvements.
Bài sửa mẫu
These days, it is widely believed that fast food, owing to its detrimental impact on people’s health, might be prohibited to protect public well-being. From my perspective, even though it has some demerits, I still strongly disagree with this opinion, and this essay will explain further with reasons.
One reason why fast food needs to remain available is the convenience it provides. While regular food is often not delivered quickly, forcing customers to wait, fast food is a good option for those who cannot wait. This allows them to spend more quality time on other tasks. Taking doctors, for example, consuming fast food frequently may not be unavoidable when workloads and emergencies continuously arise within a short time. This, therefore, results in insufficient time to wait for regular food, forcing them to opt for fast food. Another reason for the persistence of fast food is its widespread presence. Being available almost everywhere in the metropolis makes it easy for customers to find without encountering any challenges. These conveniences, as a result, help to attract people’s attention and have continued to endure until now despite any drawbacks.
Moreover, the suitability of fast food for all individuals is one of the reasons it should not be forbidden to consume. By maintaining food prices at an affordable level, fast food becomes a viable solution in an era where everything is becoming more expensive. This leads to a close approach to customers across all levels of society, as each individual is able to purchase easily without concern about the cost. Additionally, compared with other food, while fast food not only has a reasonable price but is also capable of innovating flavors by regularly updating its menu to maintain customers’ interest, traditional food usually fails to keep its customer base in the long run due to its excessive familiarity with old tastes. For example, McDonald’s often attempts to implement new strategies by combining different flavors to create new options, such as phở-flavored burgers. This, thereby, results in arousing a lot of curiosity among customers as well as attracting their attention to try it.
In conclusion, I still maintain the belief that fast food should not be banned due to its convenience, such as the quick service in delivering food and its widespread presence, as well as its suitability, including low cost and innovative flavors.
