Full-time students should spend a lot of time on their studies, but they should be involved in other activities too. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is believed that besides spending a lot of time on their studies at school, full-time students should participate in other activities. From my perspective, while studying at school is good for students, I believe that other activities also play an important role.

To begin with, outdoor and curriculum activities have so many positive aspects for students. The first one is that students can enhance their health and strengthen their muscles through joining these activities. The reason is that outdoor activities are physical and they need to have enough energy to do for a long day. The subsequent benefit is that this is a good way for them to improve life skills and gain more experiences which help them have a good profession in the future. Getting involved in voluntary organizations or green campaigns can contribute to developing communication skills, leadership skills, teamwork skills,…. which are most crucial for students. Nowadays, in Vietnam, there are more and more organizations established for teenagers, which aim to clean up dirty places around the city and protect the environment, such as Green Saigon, Green Hanoi,…

However, students need to balance between studying at school and participating in curriculum activities to have adequate knowledge. Even though outdoor activities play an important role in the development of children, formal study provides foundation knowledge which helps them take essential examinations later. Furthermore, students can learn a lot of things and skills in their school and widen their imagination and brain through lectures of teachers. This will promote personal characteristics of children and make them find studying indispensable.

In conclusion, spending full-time at school or engaging in other activities have their own advantages which benefit students, but they should balance between them in order to gain the most efficient.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"It is believed that" -> "It is widely acknowledged that"
Explanation: "It is widely acknowledged that" is a more formal and precise phrase that enhances the academic tone of the introduction, indicating a broader consensus among experts or scholars.
"spending a lot of time" -> "devoting considerable time"
Explanation: "Devoting considerable time" is more formal and precise, suggesting a deliberate allocation of time, which is more suitable for academic writing.
"full-time students" -> "full-time students"
Explanation: This phrase is correct as written, but it could be clarified to "full-time students" to emphasize the students’ enrollment status.
"participate in other activities" -> "engage in additional activities"
Explanation: "Engage in additional activities" is more specific and formal, implying a more active and intentional involvement.
"have so many positive aspects" -> "offer numerous benefits"
Explanation: "Offer numerous benefits" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial tone of "have so many positive aspects."
"enhance their health and strengthen their muscles" -> "improve their physical health and enhance their muscular strength"
Explanation: "Improve their physical health and enhance their muscular strength" is more specific and medically accurate, aligning better with academic standards.
"need to have enough energy" -> "require sufficient energy"
Explanation: "Require sufficient energy" is more formal and precise, fitting the academic style better than the more casual "need to have enough energy."
"do for a long day" -> "sustain throughout the day"
Explanation: "Sustain throughout the day" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial "do for a long day."
"good way for them to improve life skills" -> "effective means for them to develop life skills"
Explanation: "Effective means for them to develop life skills" is more formal and specific, enhancing the academic tone.
"gain more experiences" -> "acquire more experience"
Explanation: "Acquire more experience" is grammatically correct and more formal, suitable for academic writing.
"most crucial for students" -> "essential for students"
Explanation: "Essential for students" is a more formal and precise term, emphasizing the importance of these skills.
"Nowadays, in Vietnam, there are more and more organizations" -> "Currently, in Vietnam, numerous organizations are emerging"
Explanation: "Currently, in Vietnam, numerous organizations are emerging" is more formal and precise, avoiding the informal "more and more."
"clean up dirty places" -> "clean polluted areas"
Explanation: "Clean polluted areas" is more specific and formal, suitable for an academic context.
"spending full-time at school" -> "devoting full-time to school"
Explanation: "Devoting full-time to school" is more formal and precise, emphasizing the commitment to education.
"engaging in other activities" -> "participating in extracurricular activities"
Explanation: "Participating in extracurricular activities" is a more specific and formal term, commonly used in academic discussions about student activities.
"spending full-time at school or engaging in other activities" -> "devoting full-time to academic pursuits or engaging in extracurricular activities"
Explanation: "Devoting full-time to academic pursuits or engaging in extracurricular activities" is more precise and formal, clarifying the types of activities being discussed.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the importance of studying and the value of extracurricular activities. The writer acknowledges that while academic study is crucial, participation in other activities is also beneficial. However, the response could be seen as somewhat vague regarding the extent of agreement or disagreement with the statement. The phrase "I believe that other activities also play an important role" suggests a partial agreement but lacks a clear delineation of the writer’s stance.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should explicitly state their position at the beginning of the essay. A clearer thesis statement that indicates the extent of agreement or disagreement (e.g., "I strongly believe that while academic studies are essential, extracurricular activities are equally important for holistic development") would provide a more focused response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a general position that both studies and other activities are important. However, the position could be clearer and more consistent. For instance, the transition between discussing the benefits of extracurricular activities and the importance of formal study could be more fluid, as the current structure creates a slight disconnect.
- How to improve: The writer should ensure that each paragraph reinforces the main argument. Using transitional phrases that link back to the thesis can help maintain a clear position throughout. For example, reiterating the importance of balance after discussing each point would strengthen the overall coherence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the benefits of extracurricular activities, such as health improvement and skill development. However, some points lack depth and specific examples. For instance, while the mention of organizations like "Green Saigon" is relevant, the essay could benefit from more detailed examples or statistics to substantiate claims about the positive impacts of these activities.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should include specific examples or anecdotes that illustrate the benefits discussed. Additionally, elaborating on how these skills translate into real-world applications or future career advantages would provide stronger support for the arguments made.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing both the importance of studies and extracurricular activities. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharpened. For example, the phrase "students can learn a lot of things and skills in their school" is somewhat vague and could be more directly tied to the argument about balancing studies and activities.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should avoid general statements and instead provide specific examples that directly relate to the prompt. Ensuring that each point made ties back to the central argument about the balance between studies and extracurricular activities will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can enhance the clarity, depth, and effectiveness of their response, potentially raising the band score for Task Response in future essays.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the balance between studies and extracurricular activities. The introduction effectively outlines the writer’s perspective, while the body paragraphs each focus on distinct aspects of the argument. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the benefits of outdoor and curriculum activities, while the second emphasizes the necessity of formal education. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother, as the shift from discussing extracurricular benefits to the importance of formal education feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider adding transitional phrases that link the ideas between paragraphs more explicitly. For example, after discussing the benefits of extracurricular activities, a sentence like "Despite these advantages, it is equally important to recognize the foundational role of formal education" could provide a clearer connection.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph addressing a specific point. The first paragraph focuses on the positive aspects of extracurricular activities, while the second highlights the importance of formal education. However, the conclusion could be more effectively structured. It currently reiterates the main points but lacks a strong closing statement that encapsulates the overall argument.
- How to improve: To strengthen the conclusion, consider summarizing the key arguments in a more cohesive manner and providing a definitive statement that reflects your stance. For instance, you might say, "In conclusion, while both studies and extracurricular activities are vital, a balanced approach is essential for holistic student development."
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "to begin with," "however," and "furthermore," which help to guide the reader through the argument. Nonetheless, some areas could benefit from more varied and sophisticated cohesive devices. For instance, the use of "the first one is that" and "the subsequent benefit is that" feels repetitive and could be improved for better flow.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using synonyms or alternative phrases. Instead of "the first one is that," you could use "one significant advantage is" or "a primary benefit includes." Additionally, incorporating more complex devices, such as "in contrast" or "consequently," can enhance the sophistication of your writing.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view. By focusing on smoother transitions, refining the conclusion, and diversifying cohesive devices, the coherence and cohesion of the essay can be further improved.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. Phrases such as "enhance their health," "develop communication skills," and "gain more experiences" show an attempt to use varied language. However, certain phrases are repetitive or lack sophistication, such as "students need to balance between studying at school and participating in curriculum activities," where "curriculum activities" could be better articulated as "extracurricular activities."
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more advanced expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "activities," they could use terms like "engagements" or "pursuits." Additionally, using phrases like "holistic development" or "well-rounded education" could elevate the language.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, "curriculum activities" is misleading; it should be "extracurricular activities" to accurately convey the intended meaning. The phrase "which help them have a good profession in the future" is vague and could be more clearly articulated as "which can enhance their employability in the future."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their ideas. They could replace vague terms with more specific language. For example, instead of "good profession," they might say "successful career." Additionally, reviewing the definitions of terms before use can help ensure they are used correctly.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally good level of spelling accuracy, with only minor errors. However, the use of "…." at the end of a list is not standard punctuation and could confuse readers. The phrase "voluntary organizations" is correctly spelled, but the term "curriculum activities" should be corrected to "extracurricular activities."
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully and consider using spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing spelling common academic vocabulary can help solidify their spelling skills. Keeping a list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them regularly could also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, improving vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will enhance the overall quality and effectiveness of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the sentence "To begin with, outdoor and curriculum activities have so many positive aspects for students" effectively introduces a new idea. However, there are instances where the sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the phrase "students can enhance their health and strengthen their muscles through joining these activities" could be restructured for greater impact, perhaps by using a more complex structure such as "By participating in these activities, students not only enhance their health but also strengthen their muscles."
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that use subordinate clauses. For instance, instead of saying "students can learn a lot of things and skills in their school," you could say, "While students can learn a variety of skills in school, they also benefit from the practical experiences gained through extracurricular activities." Additionally, varying the use of introductory phrases and transition words can enhance the flow and complexity of the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some errors that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "which are most crucial for students" should be rephrased for clarity, as it is somewhat awkwardly placed. Additionally, the use of ellipses ("….") is inappropriate in formal writing; instead, commas should be used to separate items in a list. The sentence "spending full-time at school or engaging in other activities have their own advantages" contains a subject-verb agreement error; it should be "has" instead of "have."
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay for common errors such as subject-verb agreement and punctuation. Practicing sentence combining can also help in creating more complex sentences while maintaining grammatical correctness. Furthermore, familiarize yourself with the rules of punctuation, particularly regarding lists and clauses, to avoid informal usages like ellipses in formal essays.

By focusing on these areas for improvement, you can aim for a higher band score in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely acknowledged that, in addition to devoting considerable time to their studies at school, full-time students should engage in other activities. From my perspective, while studying at school is beneficial for students, I believe that participating in additional activities also plays an important role.

To begin with, outdoor and extracurricular activities offer numerous benefits for students. Firstly, students can improve their physical health and enhance their muscular strength by participating in these activities. This is because outdoor activities are physical in nature and require sufficient energy to sustain throughout the day. Another significant benefit is that these activities serve as an effective means for students to develop life skills and acquire more experience, which can help them secure good professions in the future. Getting involved in voluntary organizations or environmental campaigns can contribute to developing essential skills such as communication, leadership, and teamwork, which are crucial for students. Currently, in Vietnam, numerous organizations are emerging that aim to clean polluted areas and protect the environment, such as Green Saigon and Green Hanoi.

However, students need to balance their time between studying at school and participating in extracurricular activities to ensure they acquire adequate knowledge. Even though outdoor activities play an important role in the development of children, formal education provides foundational knowledge that is essential for passing important examinations later on. Furthermore, students can learn a great deal and develop various skills in school, broadening their imagination and intellect through teachers’ lectures. This will promote the personal growth of children and help them find studying indispensable.

In conclusion, devoting full-time to academic pursuits or engaging in extracurricular activities each has its own advantages that benefit students. However, they should strive to maintain a balance between the two in order to maximize their overall development.