Full-time university students spend a lot of time studying. Some say they should do other activities too. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

People have different views about pupils who attend college should focus completely on their studies, while others feel it is important to increase the engagement in extracurriculars. Due to the fact that nowadays many clubs, businesses create significant opportunities for students to discover themself. In my personal opinion, I fully agree with this statement as it presents a valuable opportunity for individuals to enhance their soft skills, which are essential for effective communication and interpersonal relations. Furthermore, the cultivation of these skills can play a significant role in mitigating mental health issues and reducing stress, thereby promoting overall well-being.

Firstly, attending extracurricular activities could play an important key in nurturing a more well-rounded skill set. Although academic knowledge is crucial, but so are soft skills such as communication, leadership, and teamwork. These skills are often best learned outside the classroom through participation in student organization or volunteer work. For instance, students who take on leadership roles in clubs can learn how to manage people, handle responsibilities, and make decisions. This might be beneficial to secure a job and earn a great salary package.

Moreover, involvement in other activities is advantageous for mental health and well-being. If they continue studying without breaks, it can lead to burnout and stress, negatively impacting both academic performance and personal life. Activities such as sports, arts or simply socializing with friends provide much needed relaxation and help maintain a healthy balance between work and leisure. Apparently, research has shown that students who engage in physical activities, for example, tend to perform better academically due to improved concentration and reduced stress levels.

In conclusion, while the importance of foundational knowledge success cannot be understated. However, scholars should also enhance in other activities since a balanced approach that students excel academically while also participating in extracurricular activities, is likely to lead to a more fulfilling university experience and better for future challenges. Finally these activities not only contribute to personal development but also help in maintaining mental and physical health, which are essential for long term success.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"People have different views about pupils who attend college" -> "Individuals hold diverse opinions regarding students attending college"
Explanation: Replacing "People have different views about" with "Individuals hold diverse opinions regarding" refines the language to be more formal and precise, suitable for an academic context.
"should focus completely on their studies" -> "should prioritize their academic pursuits"
Explanation: "Prioritize their academic pursuits" is more formal and specific than "focus completely on their studies," which sounds somewhat informal and vague.
"increase the engagement in extracurriculars" -> "enhance participation in extracurricular activities"
Explanation: "Enhance participation in extracurricular activities" is more precise and formal than "increase the engagement in extracurriculars," which is awkwardly phrased.
"nowadays many clubs, businesses create significant opportunities" -> "currently, numerous clubs and businesses offer significant opportunities"
Explanation: "Currently, numerous clubs and businesses offer significant opportunities" is more formal and clearer than "nowadays many clubs, businesses create significant opportunities," which is somewhat informal and awkwardly structured.
"discover themself" -> "discover themselves"
Explanation: Corrects a grammatical error, ensuring subject-verb agreement and maintaining the formal tone.
"I fully agree with this statement" -> "I strongly concur with this assertion"
Explanation: "I strongly concur with this assertion" is more formal and academically appropriate than "I fully agree with this statement."
"which are essential for effective communication and interpersonal relations" -> "which are crucial for effective communication and interpersonal interactions"
Explanation: "Crucial" is more formal than "essential," and "interpersonal interactions" is a more precise term than "interpersonal relations."
"attending extracurricular activities could play an important key" -> "participation in extracurricular activities could play a crucial role"
Explanation: "Participation in extracurricular activities could play a crucial role" corrects the idiomatic error "important key" and uses "crucial role," which is more appropriate in formal writing.
"Although academic knowledge is crucial, but" -> "Although academic knowledge is crucial, however"
Explanation: "However" is more formal than "but" in academic writing, and it correctly separates the contrasting ideas.
"earn a great salary package" -> "secure a substantial salary package"
Explanation: "Secure a substantial salary package" is more formal and precise than "earn a great salary package," which is somewhat colloquial.
"Activities such as sports, arts or simply socializing with friends" -> "Activities such as sports, arts, or socializing with friends"
Explanation: Adding a comma after "arts" corrects the list structure, making it grammatically correct and more formal.
"Apparently, research has shown" -> "Research has demonstrated"
Explanation: "Research has demonstrated" is more direct and formal than "Apparently, research has shown," which is less assertive and less formal.
"scholars should also enhance in other activities" -> "scholars should also engage in other activities"
Explanation: "Engage in" is the correct verb form for participating in activities, whereas "enhance" is not appropriate in this context.
"students excel academically while also participating in extracurricular activities" -> "students excel academically and participate in extracurricular activities"
Explanation: "And participate in" is grammatically correct and maintains the formal tone, whereas "while also" is less formal and slightly awkward.
"better for future challenges" -> "better equipped for future challenges"
Explanation: "Better equipped" is a more precise and formal expression than "better for," which is vague and less appropriate in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by presenting a clear argument in favor of engaging in extracurricular activities alongside academic studies. The introduction outlines the differing views on the issue, and the writer’s position is clearly stated: they fully agree that students should participate in other activities. The body paragraphs provide relevant examples and reasoning to support this stance, discussing the development of soft skills and the benefits for mental health.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could explicitly acknowledge the opposing viewpoint more thoroughly. For instance, including a brief discussion on the importance of focusing solely on studies for certain students or in specific contexts would provide a more balanced view and demonstrate a deeper engagement with the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently advocating for the importance of extracurricular activities. The writer uses phrases like "I fully agree" and "it is important" to reinforce their stance. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother, particularly in the conclusion, where the phrasing could lead to some ambiguity regarding the main argument.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer should ensure that each paragraph begins with a strong topic sentence that clearly reflects the main idea of that section. Additionally, the conclusion should succinctly restate the main argument without introducing new ideas, ensuring that the position remains unequivocal.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, particularly in discussing the development of soft skills and mental health benefits. Specific examples, such as leadership roles in clubs and the impact of physical activities on academic performance, effectively illustrate the points made. However, some ideas could be further developed; for instance, the mention of "soft skills" could be expanded with more specific examples or anecdotes.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations. This could involve elaborating on how specific extracurricular activities contribute to skill development or providing statistics or studies that support claims about mental health benefits.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the benefits of extracurricular activities. However, there are moments where the phrasing could lead to slight deviations, such as the phrase "the importance of foundational knowledge success cannot be understated," which could confuse the reader about the main focus of the argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all statements directly support the main argument. Avoiding vague or overly broad statements will help keep the essay tightly aligned with the prompt. Additionally, reviewing each paragraph to confirm that it directly relates to the thesis can enhance coherence and relevance.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. With minor adjustments in balancing viewpoints, enhancing clarity, and developing ideas further, the essay could achieve an even higher score in the Task Response category.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument in favor of engaging in extracurricular activities alongside academic studies. The introduction effectively outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. Each body paragraph addresses a specific point supporting this stance, such as the development of soft skills and the benefits for mental health. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother; for instance, the connection between the importance of soft skills and their application in securing jobs could be more explicitly stated.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main idea. Additionally, use transitional phrases to link ideas between sentences and paragraphs more effectively. For example, phrases like "In addition to this," or "Furthermore," can help to guide the reader through the argument more seamlessly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. However, the structure within some paragraphs could be improved. For example, the second paragraph introduces the concept of soft skills but could benefit from clearer separation of ideas, particularly in distinguishing between the skills learned and their practical applications.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear structure: a topic sentence, supporting sentences, and a concluding sentence that ties back to the main argument. Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones if they cover multiple ideas. This will make the essay easier to read and follow.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Moreover," and "In conclusion," which help to signal the structure of the argument. However, there is a reliance on a limited range of cohesive devices, and some sentences lack clear connections. For instance, the phrase "Although academic knowledge is crucial, but so are soft skills" is awkwardly constructed and could confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "On the other hand," "In contrast," or "Consequently." Additionally, ensure that sentences are grammatically correct and logically connected. For example, revise the aforementioned sentence to "Although academic knowledge is crucial, soft skills are equally important."

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument. By focusing on improving the logical flow of ideas, enhancing paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can elevate the coherence and cohesion of their writing further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary related to the topic of university life and extracurricular activities. Phrases such as "well-rounded skill set," "nurturing," and "mitigating mental health issues" showcase the writer’s ability to use varied vocabulary effectively. However, there are instances of repetition and limited variation in word choice, particularly in phrases like "students who engage" and "activities such as sports, arts."
- How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer could explore synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeating "activities," they might use "pursuits" or "endeavors." Additionally, incorporating more advanced vocabulary or idiomatic expressions could elevate the overall lexical range.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are moments of imprecision. For instance, the phrase "discover themself" is grammatically incorrect and should be "discover themselves." Moreover, the term "important key" is somewhat awkward; it would be more precise to say "key factor" or "crucial element."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should pay closer attention to grammatical structures and ensure that phrases convey the intended meaning clearly. Reviewing common collocations and idiomatic expressions can also help refine vocabulary usage.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally good level of spelling accuracy, with only a few minor errors. The word "themselves" is misspelled as "themself," and "scholars should also enhance in other activities" could be better phrased as "scholars should also engage in other activities." These errors, while not numerous, can detract from the overall impression of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading and utilize tools such as spell checkers. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or flashcards can help reinforce correct spelling of commonly used words.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary, there are areas for improvement in lexical variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By addressing these aspects, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "Due to the fact that" and "Although academic knowledge is crucial, but so are soft skills" showcases an attempt to incorporate more intricate sentence forms. However, the essay also contains some awkward constructions and redundancy, such as "the importance of foundational knowledge success cannot be understated," which could be simplified for clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, the writer could experiment with more varied introductory phrases and transition words. For example, instead of starting sentences with "Firstly" or "Moreover," they might use "In addition," "To illustrate," or "Consequently." Additionally, reducing redundancy in phrases (e.g., "the importance of foundational knowledge success") by opting for clearer alternatives (e.g., "the importance of foundational knowledge") would improve clarity and flow.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally good command of grammar and punctuation, but there are notable errors that detract from its overall quality. For instance, the phrase "pupils who attend college should focus completely on their studies" should be rephrased for clarity; "pupils" is not the most appropriate term for university students. Additionally, the sentence "Although academic knowledge is crucial, but so are soft skills" contains a grammatical error; the conjunction "but" is unnecessary and creates a fragment. Punctuation errors, such as missing commas before conjunctions in compound sentences, also appear, for example, in "activities such as sports, arts or simply socializing with friends," where a comma should precede "or."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review the rules regarding conjunctions and sentence fragments, ensuring that they do not use conjunctions redundantly. Practicing the correct use of commas in compound and complex sentences will also help. Additionally, proofreading for common grammatical errors and ensuring that terminology is appropriate for the context (e.g., using "students" instead of "pupils") will enhance the overall quality of the writing.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, attention to sentence clarity, structure variety, and grammatical precision will elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

People have different views about whether pupils who attend college should focus completely on their studies, while others feel it is important to increase their engagement in extracurricular activities. Due to the fact that nowadays many clubs and businesses create significant opportunities for students to discover themselves, I fully agree with this statement as it presents a valuable opportunity for individuals to enhance their soft skills, which are essential for effective communication and interpersonal relations. Furthermore, the cultivation of these skills can play a significant role in mitigating mental health issues and reducing stress, thereby promoting overall well-being.

Firstly, attending extracurricular activities could play an important role in nurturing a more well-rounded skill set. Although academic knowledge is crucial, so are soft skills such as communication, leadership, and teamwork. These skills are often best learned outside the classroom through participation in student organizations or volunteer work. For instance, students who take on leadership roles in clubs can learn how to manage people, handle responsibilities, and make decisions. This might be beneficial for securing a job and earning a great salary package.

Moreover, involvement in other activities is advantageous for mental health and well-being. If students continue studying without breaks, it can lead to burnout and stress, negatively impacting both academic performance and personal life. Activities such as sports, arts, or simply socializing with friends provide much-needed relaxation and help maintain a healthy balance between work and leisure. Research has shown that students who engage in physical activities, for example, tend to perform better academically due to improved concentration and reduced stress levels.

In conclusion, while the importance of foundational knowledge cannot be understated, scholars should also engage in other activities since a balanced approach, where students excel academically while also participating in extracurricular activities, is likely to lead to a more fulfilling university experience and better preparation for future challenges. Finally, these activities not only contribute to personal development but also help in maintaining mental and physical health, which are essential for long-term success.