Governments should ban dangerous sports. Others think that people should have the freedom to do any sport activity. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. Write at least 250 words.

Governments should ban dangerous sports. Others think that people should
have the freedom to do any sport activity.
Discuss both sides and give your opinion.
Write at least 250 words.

One school of thought holds that dangerous sports should be banned; however, a number of people think that people should be uncontrolled to do any sport activity. While both viewpoints are valid, I lean towards the latter because of the right of people to have leisure time.

Admittedly, there are some convincing reasons for the belief that the government should implement rules to prohibit people from hazardous sport fields. First and foremost, playing dangerous sports in unprepare way can cause severe injury. Many of them require strict conditions in performance which is not appropriate for most normal people, especially if they have health problems. For instance, paragliding is one of the most perilous sports, questing courage and also strong mental and physical health. Additionally, participating in risky sports can influence children because they are easily impressionable to mimic adult’ activities. This may pose a threat to them when they try to do dangerous sports such as somersaults which are hurtful activities.

While acknowledging the reason behind this sentiment, I would argue that it is crucial for people to have the freedom to do any sports activities. Accessing a variety of sports help people find their strong and weak points, so they have opportunities to discover their talents, and then pursue to reach their own dreams. In the history of sports, it is witnessed that there are respectable footballers like Pele, Messi and Ronaldol, while the sole reason for that reputation is their ambition in chasing football. Notwithstanding the fact that football is one of the most precarious sports, most people are neglectful about the risk they may face in dangerous sports and still admire it.

In short, although both views are understandable to some extent, I still opine that we should focus on encouraging people to do any sport activities, instead of forcing them not to do them.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "dangerous sports" -> "high-risk sports"
   Explanation: The term "high-risk sports" is more precise and academically appropriate than "dangerous sports," which can be seen as overly broad and vague.

2. "people should be uncontrolled to do any sport activity" -> "individuals should be free to engage in any sport"
   Explanation: "Uncontrolled" is incorrect and unclear in this context. "Free to engage in" is more accurate and formal, clearly conveying the idea of unrestricted participation.

3. "playing dangerous sports in unprepare way" -> "participating in high-risk sports without proper preparation"
   Explanation: "Unprepare way" is a non-standard phrase and unclear. "Without proper preparation" is a more precise and formal expression that accurately describes the context.

4. "questing courage" -> "requiring courage"
   Explanation: "Questing" is not the correct verb form in this context. "Requiring" is the appropriate verb to describe the need for courage in these sports.

5. "adult’ activities" -> "adult activities"
   Explanation: The apostrophe in "adult’" is incorrect and should be removed as it is not necessary in this context.

6. "hurtful activities" -> "hazardous activities"
   Explanation: "Hurtful" is not the correct term to describe sports; "hazardous" is more appropriate and precise in this context, indicating potential harm or danger.

7. "Accessing a variety of sports help people" -> "Engaging in a variety of sports helps individuals"
   Explanation: "Accessing" is not the correct verb in this context; "engaging in" is more suitable for describing participation in sports. Also, "people" should be "individuals" for a more formal tone.

8. "pursue to reach their own dreams" -> "pursue their own dreams"
   Explanation: The phrase "pursue to reach" is redundant; "pursue" alone is sufficient and more natural in this context.

9. "respectable footballers like Pele, Messi and Ronaldol" -> "renowned footballers such as Pelé, Messi, and Ronaldo"
   Explanation: "Respectable" is not the correct term here; "renowned" is more appropriate to describe well-known individuals. Also, correct the spelling of "Ronaldol" to "Ronaldo" and add commas for proper listing.

10. "most people are neglectful about the risk" -> "many individuals are unaware of the risks"
    Explanation: "Neglectful" is not the correct term here; "unaware" is more accurate in describing a lack of knowledge about risks. "Most people" is also less formal than "many individuals," which is preferred in academic writing.

11. "do any sport activities" -> "participate in any sport"
    Explanation: "Do any sport activities" is awkward and informal. "Participate in any sport" is more formal and grammatically correct.

These changes enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument regarding whether dangerous sports should be banned or if individuals should have the freedom to participate in them. The first paragraph introduces the two viewpoints, while the subsequent paragraphs provide supporting arguments for both sides. However, the treatment of the opposing viewpoint could be more balanced, as the essay leans more heavily towards the author’s opinion without fully exploring the implications of banning dangerous sports.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should aim to provide a more thorough examination of the arguments for banning dangerous sports. This could involve discussing potential societal benefits of such a ban, such as public health considerations or the reduction of accidents. Additionally, including counterarguments to the author’s position would strengthen the overall discussion.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The author clearly states their position in favor of allowing individuals the freedom to engage in dangerous sports. This stance is consistent throughout the essay, particularly in the concluding paragraph. However, the initial presentation of the two viewpoints could be clearer, as the phrase "people should be uncontrolled" is somewhat awkward and may confuse readers about the author’s intended meaning.
  • How to improve: To maintain clarity, the author should refine their language, particularly in the introduction. Using phrases like "people should have the freedom" instead of "uncontrolled" would convey the position more effectively. Additionally, reiterating the main argument in each paragraph can help reinforce the author’s stance.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the potential for severe injuries in dangerous sports and the importance of personal freedom. However, some points lack depth and could benefit from further elaboration. For example, the mention of famous footballers is relevant but could be better tied to the argument about the benefits of pursuing sports despite risks.
  • How to improve: The author should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point made. For instance, expanding on how engaging in sports can foster personal growth or community engagement would add depth. Additionally, integrating statistics or studies related to sports injuries or the psychological benefits of sports could provide stronger support for the arguments.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the implications of dangerous sports and the importance of personal freedom. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, such as the discussion about children mimicking adults, which could be more directly linked to the overall argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that each point made directly supports the central argument. When introducing examples, they should clearly relate back to the main thesis. For instance, when discussing children, the author could explicitly connect this to the broader theme of personal choice and responsibility in sports.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear opinion, it would benefit from a more balanced exploration of both sides, deeper elaboration of ideas, and clearer language to enhance clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction that outlines the two opposing viewpoints and a personal stance. Each paragraph addresses a specific argument, with the first focusing on the reasons for banning dangerous sports and the second advocating for personal freedom in sports participation. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing the dangers of sports to the benefits of freedom lacks a clear linking sentence that would help the reader follow the argument more seamlessly.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of paragraphs to signal shifts in perspective. For instance, phrases like "On the other hand," or "Conversely," can help clarify that you are presenting an opposing viewpoint. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids in readability. Each paragraph has a distinct focus, which is essential for coherence. However, the second paragraph could benefit from clearer internal organization. The example of paragliding is introduced but not fully developed, which may leave the reader wanting more context or explanation about its relevance.
  • How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by ensuring that each example is fully explained and linked back to the main argument. For instance, after introducing paragliding as a dangerous sport, elaborate on why it specifically exemplifies the risks associated with such activities. This will reinforce the argument and provide a more comprehensive understanding for the reader.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost," "additionally," and "notwithstanding." These devices help to connect ideas and maintain the flow of the essay. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat repetitive, and there are opportunities to incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases to enhance cohesion.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating synonyms or alternative phrases that convey similar meanings. For example, instead of repeatedly using "additionally," you could use "furthermore," "in addition," or "moreover." Additionally, using pronouns effectively can help maintain cohesion without redundancy. For instance, instead of repeating "dangerous sports," you could refer back to them as "these activities" or "such sports" in subsequent mentions.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately enhancing the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument presented.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "hazardous," "perilous," and "impressionable." However, there are instances where the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive or lacks variety, such as the repeated use of "dangerous sports" and "people." This limits the overall lexical richness of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "dangerous sports," alternatives such as "high-risk activities" or "extreme sports" could be employed. Additionally, integrating more varied adjectives and adverbs could enrich the descriptions and arguments presented.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are notable instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "people should be uncontrolled" is awkward and unclear; a more precise expression would be "people should have the freedom" or "people should not be restricted." Similarly, "unprepare way" is incorrect and should be "unprepared manner."
  • How to improve: To improve precision, it is essential to review word choices and ensure they convey the intended meaning clearly. Practicing with vocabulary exercises that focus on collocations and context can also help in choosing the right words. Additionally, proofreading for clarity and coherence will help in identifying awkward phrases.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "questing" instead of "requiring," "Ronaldol" instead of "Ronaldo," and "hurtful" which may not be the best choice in context. These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, regular practice with spelling exercises and reading extensively can be beneficial. Utilizing spell-check tools and proofreading the essay multiple times can help catch and correct spelling mistakes before submission. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can aid in improving overall spelling skills.

By focusing on these areas—expanding vocabulary range, improving precision in word choice, and enhancing spelling accuracy—the essay can achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences such as "While both viewpoints are valid, I lean towards the latter because of the right of people to have leisure time." However, there are instances of repetitive phrasing, particularly with the use of "dangerous sports" and "people." The essay also includes some less effective structures, such as "people should be uncontrolled to do any sport activity," which could be expressed more clearly.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more compound-complex sentences and varied introductory phrases. For example, instead of repeating "people should," consider using alternatives like "individuals ought to" or "participants in sports have the right to." Additionally, using passive voice in some instances could add variety, e.g., "It is believed that dangerous sports pose risks."

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, "unprepare way" should be "unprepared way," and "adult’ activities" should be "adults’ activities." There are also instances of awkward phrasing, such as "questing courage," which should be "requiring courage." Punctuation is generally correct, but there are some missing commas that could improve readability, such as after introductory phrases.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, particularly with verb forms and possessives. It may be beneficial to review rules regarding subject-verb agreement and the use of articles. Additionally, practicing sentence combining exercises could help the writer create more fluid and grammatically sound sentences. Regularly reading high-quality essays can also provide models for correct grammar and punctuation usage.

By addressing these areas, the writer can strengthen their essay and potentially achieve a higher band score in future writing tasks.

Bài sửa mẫu

One school of thought holds that high-risk sports should be banned; however, a number of people believe that individuals should be free to engage in any sport activity. While both viewpoints have merit, I lean towards the latter due to the importance of personal freedom in leisure pursuits.

Admittedly, there are some convincing reasons for the belief that the government should implement regulations to prohibit hazardous sports. First and foremost, participating in high-risk sports without proper preparation can lead to severe injuries. Many of these activities require specific conditions for safe performance, which may not be suitable for the average person, especially those with health issues. For instance, paragliding is one of the most perilous sports, demanding both courage and strong mental and physical health. Additionally, engaging in risky sports can influence children, as they are easily impressionable and may attempt to mimic adult activities. This can pose a threat to them when they try to engage in dangerous sports, such as somersaults, which can result in injuries.

While acknowledging the reasons behind this sentiment, I would argue that it is crucial for individuals to have the freedom to participate in any sport activity. Engaging in a variety of sports helps individuals identify their strengths and weaknesses, providing opportunities to discover their talents and pursue their own dreams. Throughout the history of sports, we have seen renowned footballers such as Pelé, Messi, and Ronaldo, whose success is largely attributed to their ambition and dedication to football. Notwithstanding the fact that football can be a high-risk sport, many individuals are unaware of the potential dangers and still admire it.

In short, although both views are understandable to some extent, I still opine that we should focus on encouraging people to participate in any sport activities, rather than imposing restrictions on them.