If people could choose between a life without work and spending most of their time working, they could always choose not to work. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

If people could choose between a life without work and spending most of their time working, they could always choose not to work.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Some individuals claim that if there are two choices for people at employing age which is living freely without job and spending most of their time for earning living, the decision must be not to work. Personally, I partly disagree with this statement that will be explained in the following essay with some relevant examples to clarify it.
On the one hand, there are some reasons that explain why it is not possible to decide not going to work. People exist with essential requirements of nature, one of them is interaction and emphasis themselves. Obviously, working is the most effective way for people to embrace social cycle and show off themselves with their strengthens and the unique of personal identity. Furthermore, spending most of time for earning living, people can have more money spending in various purposes in daily life and accumulate the financial foundation for the bright future as well as cherish the value of money made by themselves. In addition, settling down is also helps people build the sustainable personal life and decline the risks of facing with social issues in today complex society due to free and boring.
On the other hand, I also suppose that leaving work for enjoying free life is acceptable in some certain circumstances. One of the primary reasons to prove this perspective is that people can spending time to reflect themselves without experiencing the pressures and commitments of job. Instead of working, they can take a gap period of time for discover themselves, to figure out both strengths and weaknesses of themselves before making a decision that which job fit them. For example, there has been a tendency among this day and age young adults to choose leaving work and going for experiences before taking a new proper job. Moreover, individuals selecting the free life without work are also have more opportunities to comprehend and appreciate the value of the nature and the world around us, which is more important in this era, when modern people gradually ignore and forget unsignificant things because of hustle and bustle lifestyle.
In conclusion, I believe that human living purpose mainly lies on working and earning for their own life. Although a non-working life has its own benefits of reflecting, it should be contemporary. Instead of arguing which is truly beneficial, people should spend time for empathizing themselves to make correct decisions on their own career path.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Some individuals claim" -> "Some argue"
   Explanation: "Argue" is more precise and academically appropriate than "claim," which can imply a less formal or less substantiated opinion.

2. "which is living freely without job" -> "which involves living freely without employment"
   Explanation: "Involves" clarifies the relationship between the choices and the activities, and "employment" is a more formal term than "job" in this context.

3. "spending most of their time for earning living" -> "devoting most of their time to earning a living"
   Explanation: "Devoting" is more formal and precise than "spending," and "to earning a living" is the correct idiomatic expression.

4. "the decision must be not to work" -> "the decision should not be to refrain from working"
   Explanation: "Should not be to refrain from working" is more formal and avoids the awkward construction of "must be not to work."

5. "not going to work" -> "not working"
   Explanation: "Not working" is a more direct and formal way to express the absence of employment.

6. "People exist with essential requirements of nature" -> "Humans have fundamental biological needs"
   Explanation: "Humans have fundamental biological needs" is a more precise and scientifically accurate phrase than "People exist with essential requirements of nature," which is vague and awkwardly phrased.

7. "emphasize themselves" -> "emphasize their individuality"
   Explanation: "Emphasize their individuality" is clearer and more specific than "emphasize themselves," which is grammatically incorrect and unclear.

8. "spending most of time for earning living" -> "devoting most of their time to earning a living"
   Explanation: As mentioned earlier, "devoting" is more formal and "to earning a living" is the correct idiomatic expression.

9. "spend money spending in various purposes" -> "spend money on various purposes"
   Explanation: "On" is the correct preposition for indicating the use of money, not "in."

10. "settling down is also helps" -> "settling down also helps"
    Explanation: Removing the unnecessary "is" corrects the grammatical error and improves the flow of the sentence.

11. "decline the risks of facing with social issues" -> "reduce the risks of facing social issues"
    Explanation: "Reduce" is more appropriate than "decline" in this context, and removing "with" corrects the prepositional error.

12. "leaving work for enjoying free life" -> "leaving work to enjoy a free life"
    Explanation: "To enjoy a free life" is grammatically correct and more formal than "for enjoying free life."

13. "spending time to reflect themselves" -> "spending time to reflect on themselves"
    Explanation: "On" is the correct preposition for indicating the focus of reflection, not "to."

14. "discover themselves" -> "discover their own selves"
    Explanation: "Their own selves" is a more formal and precise way to refer to one’s own identity.

15. "unsignificant things" -> "insignificant things"
    Explanation: "Insignificant" is the correct adjective, not "unsignificant."

16. "human living purpose" -> "human purpose in life"
    Explanation: "Purpose in life" is a more idiomatic and formal expression than "living purpose."

17. "spend time for empathizing themselves" -> "spend time empathizing with themselves"
    Explanation: "Empathizing with themselves" is grammatically correct and more natural in this context than "for empathizing themselves."

These changes enhance the academic tone and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with formal writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding the choice between a life without work and a life focused on work. The writer clearly states their position as "partly disagree" and provides reasons for both perspectives. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the statement. The introduction hints at a nuanced view, but the conclusion does not clearly reiterate this stance, which could leave the reader uncertain about the writer’s overall position.
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity, the writer should explicitly state their position in the introduction and conclusion. Additionally, they could strengthen their argument by providing a more balanced discussion of the advantages and disadvantages of both lifestyles, perhaps by using more specific examples or statistics.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that is somewhat clear but lacks consistency in articulating the extent of agreement or disagreement. The phrase "I partly disagree" suggests a middle ground, but the essay does not consistently reflect this throughout. For instance, the conclusion states that "human living purpose mainly lies on working," which could be interpreted as a stronger stance than initially indicated.
  • How to improve: The writer should ensure that their position is consistently reflected throughout the essay. This can be achieved by reiterating the main argument in each paragraph and ensuring that examples and explanations align with the stated position. Using phrases like "while I acknowledge the benefits of a non-working life, I believe that…" can help maintain clarity.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the social benefits of work and the value of self-reflection during non-working periods. However, some ideas are not fully developed or supported with concrete examples. For instance, the mention of "settling down" and "declining the risks of facing social issues" lacks specific examples or elaboration, which could strengthen the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should provide more detailed examples and explanations. For instance, when discussing the benefits of working, they could include specific statistics about job satisfaction or economic stability. Similarly, when discussing the benefits of a non-working life, personal anecdotes or well-known examples could add depth.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt and discussing both sides of the argument. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the second body paragraph, where the discussion of appreciating nature feels somewhat tangential to the main argument about work versus non-work.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the central question of the essay. Each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that ties back to the prompt, and any additional points should be directly relevant to the argument being made.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, improvements in clarity, consistency, development of ideas, and focus on the topic will enhance the overall effectiveness of the argument and could potentially raise the band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the writer’s stance, indicating a partial disagreement with the statement. Each body paragraph addresses a distinct viewpoint, with the first focusing on the necessity of work and the second on the acceptability of a non-working life. However, the logical flow within paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the transition between ideas in the first body paragraph is somewhat abrupt, particularly when moving from discussing social interaction to financial benefits.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences for each paragraph that directly relate to the thesis statement. Additionally, employ transitional phrases to guide the reader through the progression of ideas. For example, using phrases like "Furthermore," or "In addition to this," can help connect thoughts more smoothly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph has a main idea, and the writer attempts to develop these ideas with supporting details. However, the paragraphs could be more balanced in terms of length and depth. The first body paragraph is significantly longer and more complex than the second, which may disrupt the overall flow and coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: Aim for a more balanced approach in paragraph length and depth. Ensure that each paragraph contains a similar level of detail and complexity. Additionally, consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller, more digestible sections to enhance readability and maintain the reader’s interest.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand," and "On the other hand," which effectively signal contrasting viewpoints. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some phrases are used incorrectly or awkwardly, such as "spending most of time for earning living," which could be more clearly expressed as "spending most of their time earning a living."
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, use "Additionally," "Moreover," "Conversely," and "In contrast" to enhance the connections between ideas. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used accurately and appropriately within the context of the sentences to improve clarity.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, there is room for improvement in the organization of ideas, paragraph structure, and the range of cohesive devices used. Focusing on these areas will help elevate the coherence and cohesion of the writing, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with some attempts at using less common expressions. Phrases like "embrace social cycle" and "accumulate the financial foundation" show an effort to use varied language. However, there are instances of repetition and awkward phrasing, such as "spending most of time for earning living," which could be more succinctly expressed as "spending most of their time earning a living."
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should consider using synonyms and varying sentence structures. For example, instead of repeating "spending most of time," they could use alternatives like "devoting significant time" or "allocating time." Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary-building exercises can also help diversify word choice.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "emphasis themselves" is unclear and does not convey a coherent meaning. Additionally, "decline the risks of facing with social issues" is awkward; "decline" is not the appropriate verb in this context. The phrase "the unique of personal identity" is also grammatically incorrect and lacks clarity.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on the correct usage of collocations and idiomatic expressions. For instance, instead of "emphasis themselves," they could say "express themselves." Additionally, revising sentences for clarity and grammatical correctness will enhance the overall precision of vocabulary. Regular reading and writing practice can help familiarize the writer with correct usage.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "unsignificant" (should be "insignificant") and "which is living freely without job" (should be "which is living freely without a job"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Keeping a list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can also be beneficial. Additionally, taking the time to review each section of the essay for spelling errors before submission will enhance overall quality.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable attempt at using varied vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in precision and spelling. By focusing on expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and improving spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance their lexical resource score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and some complex sentences. For instance, phrases like "there are some reasons that explain why it is not possible to decide not going to work" show an attempt at complexity. However, many sentences are either overly simplistic or awkwardly constructed, such as "the decision must be not to work," which lacks clarity and fluency. Additionally, the use of phrases like "the unique of personal identity" is incorrect and detracts from the overall effectiveness of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences that effectively combine clauses. For example, using relative clauses (e.g., "People who choose to work often find fulfillment") or conditional structures (e.g., "If individuals do not work, they may miss out on personal growth opportunities") can add depth. Additionally, revising awkward phrases for clarity and grammatical correctness will improve the overall flow of the essay.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and issues with punctuation. For instance, "spending most of their time for earning living" should be "spending most of their time earning a living." The phrase "settling down is also helps people" is grammatically incorrect and should be revised to "settling down also helps people." Furthermore, punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect conjunction usage, hinder readability. For example, "due to free and boring" is unclear and lacks proper punctuation.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises and reviewing common grammatical structures can help. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors and ensuring that each sentence is clear and complete will enhance the overall quality of the writing. Utilizing tools like grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers can also be beneficial in identifying and correcting mistakes.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and attempts to use a variety of structures, there are significant areas for improvement in both grammatical range and accuracy. Focusing on sentence variety, clarity, and grammatical correctness will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals claim that if people of working age are faced with two choices—living freely without employment or spending most of their time earning a living—the decision should be to refrain from working. Personally, I partly disagree with this statement, which I will explain in the following essay with relevant examples to clarify my viewpoint.

On the one hand, there are several reasons that explain why it is not feasible to choose not to work. Humans have fundamental biological needs, one of which is social interaction and the ability to emphasize their individuality. Clearly, working is the most effective way for people to engage in the social cycle and showcase their strengths and unique personal identities. Furthermore, by devoting most of their time to earning a living, individuals can accumulate more money to spend on various purposes in daily life and build a financial foundation for a brighter future, as well as appreciate the value of money earned through their own efforts. In addition, settling down also helps people establish a sustainable personal life and reduce the risks of facing social issues in today’s complex society, which can often feel free yet boring.

On the other hand, I also believe that leaving work to enjoy a free life is acceptable in certain circumstances. One primary reason supporting this perspective is that people can spend time reflecting on themselves without the pressures and commitments of a job. Instead of working, they can take a gap period to discover their own selves, identifying both their strengths and weaknesses before deciding which job suits them best. For example, there has been a growing trend among young adults today to leave work and seek experiences before committing to a new job. Moreover, individuals who choose a life without work also have more opportunities to comprehend and appreciate the value of nature and the world around them, which is increasingly important in this era when modern people often overlook insignificant things due to a hectic lifestyle.

In conclusion, I believe that the human purpose in life primarily revolves around working and earning for oneself. Although a non-working life has its benefits, such as self-reflection, it should be a temporary choice. Instead of debating which option is truly beneficial, people should spend time empathizing with themselves to make informed decisions about their own career paths.