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In countries where there is high unemployment, most pupils should be offered only primary school, there is no point in offering secondary education to those who will have no hope of finding a job, to what extent do you agree or disagree?

In countries where there is high unemployment, most pupils should be offered only primary school, there is no point in offering secondary education to those who will have no hope of finding a job, to what extent do you agree or disagree?

In our digital age, with the increase of unemployment in some countries, the issue of whether students should go to primary school has become a controversial discussion. While many people agree that they do not need secondary education, others believe that it is essential. Obviously, I totally disagree with the opinion that pupils should give up their studying.
On the one hand, it is obvious that education is very important to pupils. Many jobs, especially high income, require many things, most of it is the range of knowledge. If students only go to primary school, they can not achieve that wide range. As a result, they can not have a stable job and it is hard to get wealthy. Moreover, graduating from only primary school prevents them from achieving their dream. For most of the possible dreams, studying is the main reason for higher goals and the success in the future. Even becoming a sporting player or a policeman, knowledge is the essential part and the key for the success of people. For instance, in basketball, besides training hard, learning more skillful play and tactics will lead not only people to the success but also lead their team to the last win.
Furthermore, giving up studying can not improve the economy of the area, it even increases more than the unemployment rate of the area. Without any knowledge, it is impossible for people to get a contemporary job, not even a stable one. And if they can get one, the job is just a low salary and will not be easy. Beside the experience, the age limit is also a problem for people to get a job. When they give up studying after graduating primary, these people are just young kids under 18. They are not strong enough for carrying, not smart enough for many modern jobs. Therefore, it is impossible for people to get even a contemporary job if they pass down the studying career.
In conclusion, stuyding is the key for everything in the life, without education, no one can be success in their life and would be a negative effects to the society, contribute in increase the unemployment rate


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In our digital age, with the increase of unemployment in some countries, the issue of whether students should go to primary school has become a controversial discussion." -> "In the contemporary digital era, marked by a rise in unemployment in certain regions, the question of whether students should attend primary school has become a subject of controversy."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses more formal and precise language to describe the current era and the issue under consideration.

  2. "While many people agree that they do not need secondary education, others believe that it is essential." -> "While a considerable number of individuals argue against the necessity of secondary education, others assert its indispensability."
    Explanation: The suggested alternatives enhance the formality of the sentence by using more sophisticated vocabulary, such as "indispensability," while maintaining clarity and precision.

  3. "Obviously, I totally disagree with the opinion that pupils should give up their studying." -> "Clearly, I strongly dissent from the viewpoint advocating for students to abandon their education."
    Explanation: The revised sentence employs formal language and replaces informal expressions like "totally disagree" with more academic alternatives like "strongly dissent."

  4. "On the one hand, it is obvious that education is very important to pupils." -> "On one hand, it is evident that education holds paramount importance for pupils."
    Explanation: The suggested changes remove redundancy ("obvious" and "very important") and introduce a more sophisticated term ("paramount importance") to enhance the academic tone.

  5. "Many jobs, especially high income, require many things, most of it is the range of knowledge." -> "Numerous occupations, particularly those offering high income, demand a multifaceted skill set, with a predominant emphasis on a broad spectrum of knowledge."
    Explanation: The revision improves clarity, eliminates redundancy, and introduces more precise and formal language.

  6. "If students only go to primary school, they can not achieve that wide range." -> "If students limit their education to primary school, they cannot attain this extensive breadth of knowledge."
    Explanation: The suggested alternative maintains clarity while using more formal language and corrects the contraction "can not" to "cannot."

  7. "Moreover, graduating from only primary school prevents them from achieving their dream." -> "Furthermore, completing primary school alone hinders them from realizing their aspirations."
    Explanation: The revised sentence utilizes formal language and replaces informal terms like "dream" with a more academic alternative, "aspirations."

  8. "For most of the possible dreams, studying is the main reason for higher goals and the success in the future." -> "In pursuit of numerous potential aspirations, academic endeavors serve as the primary catalyst for attaining loftier objectives and future success."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance the formality of the sentence by using more advanced vocabulary and eliminating repetitive language.

  9. "Even becoming a sporting player or a policeman, knowledge is the essential part and the key for the success of people." -> "Whether pursuing a career as an athlete or a law enforcement officer, expertise remains the indispensable cornerstone for individual success."
    Explanation: The revised sentence employs more formal language, replaces informal terms like "sporting player," and enhances precision.

  10. "Furthermore, giving up studying can not improve the economy of the area, it even increases more than the unemployment rate of the area." -> "Moreover, discontinuing education fails to contribute to the economic development of the region; instead, it exacerbates the existing unemployment rate."
    Explanation: The suggested changes improve formality, clarity, and precision in expressing the impact of discontinuing education on both the economy and unemployment rate.

  11. "Without any knowledge, it is impossible for people to get a contemporary job, not even a stable one." -> "Lacking sufficient knowledge, individuals find it unattainable to secure not only modern employment but also a stable position."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses more formal language and clarifies the impact of inadequate knowledge on job prospects.

  12. "Beside the experience, the age limit is also a problem for people to get a job." -> "Apart from experience, age restrictions pose a challenge for individuals seeking employment."
    Explanation: The suggested alternative uses more formal language and improves precision by replacing "beside" with "apart from."

  13. "When they give up studying after graduating primary, these people are just young kids under 18." -> "If they abandon their education after completing primary school, these individuals are merely adolescents under the age of 18."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses more formal language and replaces informal terms like "young kids" with a more precise alternative, "adolescents."

  14. "They are not strong enough for carrying, not smart enough for many modern jobs." -> "They lack the physical strength for manual labor and the intellectual capacity required for numerous contemporary occupations."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality, clarity, and precision in describing the limitations individuals face after discontinuing their education.

  15. "Therefore, it is impossible for people to get even a contemporary job if they pass down the studying career." -> "Consequently, obtaining a modern job becomes unattainable for individuals who prematurely conclude their educational pursuits."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses more formal language and replaces informal terms like "pass down the studying career" with a more precise alternative, "prematurely conclude their educational pursuits."

  16. "In conclusion, stuyding is the key for everything in the life, without education, no one can be success in their life and would be a negative effects to the society, contribute in increase the unemployment rate." -> "In conclusion, education serves as the linchpin for overall life success; without it, individuals cannot achieve success, leading to adverse effects on society, including an escalation in the unemployment rate."
    Explanation: The suggested changes improve the formality, clarity, and precision of the conclusion by using more advanced vocabulary and eliminating informal expressions.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address all parts of the question. It acknowledges the controversy surrounding whether students should go to primary school in countries with high unemployment. However, the explanation lacks depth and fails to explore the nuances of the argument comprehensively. It briefly mentions the importance of education but doesn’t delve into the extent to which secondary education is deemed unnecessary for job prospects.
    • How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide a more thorough analysis of the different perspectives on whether secondary education is essential in the context of high unemployment. Expanding on the reasons for and against secondary education would enhance the depth of the response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay takes a clear stance against the opinion that pupils should give up studying, as expressed in the statement, "Obviously, I totally disagree with the opinion that pupils should give up their studying." However, this stance could be presented more explicitly and consistently throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To improve clarity, the essay should restate its position in the introduction and then consistently reinforce this stance throughout the body paragraphs. This can be achieved by framing each supporting point in alignment with the central position against giving up studying.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present, extend, and support ideas, such as the importance of education for job prospects, economic improvement, and achieving dreams. However, the presentation lacks organization and coherence. Some ideas are not developed sufficiently, and examples are presented vaguely.
    • How to improve: To enhance the presentation of ideas, the essay should organize content logically with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect (e.g., economic impact, personal success). Additionally, providing concrete examples and elaborating on them would strengthen the overall argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic but contains some deviations. For instance, the discussion on basketball and tactics seems unrelated to the main argument about the importance of education in high-unemployment areas.
    • How to improve: To stay more focused, the essay should avoid introducing unrelated examples. Instead, it should concentrate on supporting arguments directly related to the impact of education on job prospects and economic conditions in countries with high unemployment.

In summary, while the essay presents a clear position and attempts to address the prompt, it needs improvement in depth of analysis, clarity of stance, organization of ideas, and staying focused on the main topic. Addressing these aspects will contribute to a more comprehensive and effective response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some logical organization, particularly in presenting arguments for the importance of education. The introduction sets up the main debate, and the body paragraphs follow a coherent order, presenting arguments and examples. However, there is a lack of smooth transitions between some sentences and ideas, causing the essay to feel slightly disjointed at times.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, work on improving the connectivity between sentences and paragraphs. Use transitional phrases to guide the reader from one point to the next. Ensure that each paragraph builds on the previous one and maintains a clear progression of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to structure its content, but there is room for improvement. Paragraphs lack consistent topic sentences, making it challenging to identify the central idea of each paragraph. Some paragraphs contain multiple points, diminishing clarity and coherence.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the structure of each paragraph by including a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Limit each paragraph to a single key point or argument to enhance clarity. Ensure a smooth transition between paragraphs to maintain a logical progression of ideas.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a basic range of cohesive devices such as transition words ("On the one hand," "Furthermore," "In conclusion"). However, the use is limited, and there’s a repetition of certain phrases, affecting the overall variety and effectiveness of cohesive devices.
    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices by incorporating a wider range of transition words and phrases. This will create a smoother and more coherent flow. Avoid repetitive structures to maintain the reader’s engagement. Vary sentence structures and use cohesive devices strategically to link ideas more effectively.

Overall, the essay demonstrates an understanding of the importance of education in addressing unemployment, but improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices can elevate the coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is an attempt to use varied vocabulary, some words are repeated, and there’s a need for more sophistication in word choice. For instance, the repetition of the word "success" could be replaced with alternative expressions to enhance lexical diversity.

    • How to improve: To expand the vocabulary range, the writer can explore synonyms and employ more precise terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "success," they could incorporate words like achievement, accomplishment, or triumph. This will elevate the lexical richness of the essay.

  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses imprecise vocabulary, leading to a lack of clarity. For instance, in the phrase "the issue of whether students should go to primary school," the term "issue" is rather vague and could be replaced with a more precise word like "debate" or "question."

    • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should carefully select words that precisely convey their intended meaning. In this case, replacing generic terms with more specific ones will contribute to a clearer and more nuanced expression of ideas.

  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally acceptable, but there are some errors present. For instance, "stuyding" should be corrected to "studying." While these errors do not severely impact understanding, attention to spelling details is crucial for maintaining a polished and professional presentation.

    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work thoroughly or consider using spelling and grammar checking tools. Additionally, focusing on common spelling pitfalls, such as homophones, can contribute to better overall spelling precision.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple, and there is a lack of complex or compound structures. For example, there is a tendency to use repetitive sentence structures like "For instance," which limits variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, the writer should aim to incorporate a more diverse set of sentence structures. This could include the use of complex sentences, compound sentences, and varied sentence lengths. Additionally, the writer should explore different ways to introduce examples rather than relying solely on phrases like "For instance."
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits numerous grammatical and punctuation errors that affect clarity. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("stuyding"), incorrect verb tenses ("they can not achieve," "they give up studying"), and sentence fragments ("Without any knowledge, it is impossible for people to get a contemporary job").
    • How to improve: The writer should focus on improving basic grammar skills, paying close attention to verb tense consistency, subject-verb agreement, and sentence structure. Proofreading is essential to identify and correct errors. Additionally, a thorough understanding of punctuation rules is crucial. For instance, the proper use of commas and periods can significantly improve the flow and coherence of the essay.

In summary, while the essay presents a clear stance on the prompt, there is room for improvement in both grammatical range and accuracy. Diversifying sentence structures and addressing basic grammatical errors will contribute to a more effective and polished piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary digital era, characterized by a rise in unemployment in certain regions, the question of whether students should attend primary school has become a subject of controversy. While a considerable number of individuals argue against the necessity of secondary education, others assert its indispensability. Clearly, I strongly dissent from the viewpoint advocating for students to abandon their education.

On one hand, it is evident that education holds paramount importance for pupils. Numerous occupations, particularly those offering high income, demand a multifaceted skill set, with a predominant emphasis on a broad spectrum of knowledge. If students limit their education to primary school, they cannot attain this extensive breadth of knowledge. Furthermore, completing primary school alone hinders them from realizing their aspirations.

In pursuit of numerous potential aspirations, academic endeavors serve as the primary catalyst for attaining loftier objectives and future success. Whether pursuing a career as an athlete or a law enforcement officer, expertise remains the indispensable cornerstone for individual success. Moreover, discontinuing education fails to contribute to the economic development of the region; instead, it exacerbates the existing unemployment rate.

Lacking sufficient knowledge, individuals find it unattainable to secure not only modern employment but also a stable position. Apart from experience, age restrictions pose a challenge for individuals seeking employment. If they abandon their education after completing primary school, these individuals are merely adolescents under the age of 18. They lack the physical strength for manual labor and the intellectual capacity required for numerous contemporary occupations. Consequently, obtaining a modern job becomes unattainable for individuals who prematurely conclude their educational pursuits.

In conclusion, education serves as the linchpin for overall life success; without it, individuals cannot achieve success, leading to adverse effects on society, including an escalation in the unemployment rate.

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