In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that is the responsibility of government to due the problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In this era, everyone usually lies to themselves that their child is fat and unhealthy, which is not their fault. This leads to some people believing that the government must do anything for them and all they need to do is enjoy. I completely disagree with this statement.

From what I heard, in my sentiment, if our child is fat or has some disease, the reason for this is the child usually eats a high amount of junk food. Fast foods have fatty ingredients in them, which leads to the person who eats a lot of junk foods getting fat in the blood, having problems with the heart, etc.,, or being fat.

On the other hand, if children are unwell, it involves the environment, the genetically modified food, or the person they have met. For instance, a child will have a problem with their body if they eat weird food. Hence, notice every element that can make it unhealthy.

To sum up, our children becoming overweight or getting diseases is not the responsibility of the government, it is similar to the way their parents

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"everyone usually lies to themselves that their child is fat and unhealthy" -> "many individuals often misperceive their children as overweight and unhealthy"
Explanation: Replacing "everyone usually lies to themselves" with "many individuals often misperceive" removes the informal and emotional tone, replacing it with a more objective and academically appropriate phrase. "Misperceive" is also more precise than "lies to themselves," which is too informal and inaccurate in this context.
"which is not their fault" -> "which is not solely their responsibility"
Explanation: "Not their fault" is too informal and vague for academic writing. "Not solely their responsibility" is more precise and formal, emphasizing that the issue is not entirely the child’s fault.
"the government must do anything for them and all they need to do is enjoy" -> "the government should provide support, and they should focus on their well-being"
Explanation: "Do anything for them and all they need to do is enjoy" is overly simplistic and informal. "Provide support" and "focus on their well-being" are more specific and formal, better suited for an academic context.
"From what I heard, in my sentiment" -> "From my perspective"
Explanation: "From what I heard, in my sentiment" is redundant and informal. "From my perspective" is concise and maintains a formal tone.
"the child usually eats a high amount of junk food" -> "children often consume excessive amounts of junk food"
Explanation: "The child usually eats a high amount of junk food" is informal and imprecise. "Children often consume excessive amounts of junk food" is more formal and uses more precise language.
"Fast foods have fatty ingredients in them" -> "Fast foods typically contain high levels of fat"
Explanation: "Have fatty ingredients in them" is vague and informal. "Typically contain high levels of fat" is more specific and formal, suitable for an academic context.
"getting fat in the blood" -> "developing high blood lipid levels"
Explanation: "Getting fat in the blood" is colloquial and imprecise. "Developing high blood lipid levels" is medically accurate and formal.
"having problems with the heart, etc.," -> "experiencing cardiovascular issues"
Explanation: "Having problems with the heart, etc.," is informal and lacks specificity. "Experiencing cardiovascular issues" is more precise and formal.
"the genetically modified food" -> "genetically modified foods"
Explanation: "The genetically modified food" is grammatically incorrect and vague. "Genetically modified foods" is grammatically correct and more specific.
"the person they have met" -> "the individuals they interact with"
Explanation: "The person they have met" is vague and informal. "The individuals they interact with" is more specific and formal.
"weird food" -> "unhealthy foods"
Explanation: "Weird food" is informal and lacks specificity. "Unhealthy foods" is more precise and appropriate for an academic discussion.
"notice every element that can make it unhealthy" -> "consider all factors that contribute to their health"
Explanation: "Notice every element that can make it unhealthy" is informal and unclear. "Consider all factors that contribute to their health" is clearer and more formal.
"our children becoming overweight or getting diseases" -> "children becoming overweight or developing diseases"
Explanation: "Our children becoming overweight or getting diseases" is informal and slightly awkward. "Children becoming overweight or developing diseases" is more formal and grammatically correct.
"it is similar to the way their parents" -> "it is analogous to parental responsibility"
Explanation: "It is similar to the way their parents" is informal and vague. "It is analogous to parental responsibility" is more formal and precise, fitting the academic style better.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by stating a clear disagreement with the notion that the government is responsible for children’s health. However, it fails to thoroughly explore the extent of this disagreement. The response does not adequately discuss the role of the government in addressing health issues, nor does it provide a balanced view of the responsibilities of parents versus the government. The argument is somewhat one-sided and lacks depth.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should explicitly outline the various responsibilities of both parents and the government. Including specific examples of government initiatives that could help combat childhood obesity, alongside parental responsibilities, would create a more balanced and comprehensive response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay states a clear position of disagreement with the government’s responsibility but lacks consistency in maintaining this stance. Phrases like "everyone usually lies to themselves" and "the reason for this is the child usually eats a high amount of junk food" can confuse the reader about the author’s position. The essay’s tone shifts, making it harder to follow the argument.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently reinforce their viewpoint throughout the essay. Using clear topic sentences for each paragraph that reflect the main argument and summarizing the stance in the conclusion would help solidify the position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are underdeveloped and lack sufficient support. For instance, while the essay mentions junk food as a cause of obesity, it does not provide any data, examples, or studies to back this claim. The argument about environmental factors is vague and lacks concrete examples.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should include specific examples, statistics, or studies that illustrate the points made. Expanding on each idea with clear explanations and relevant evidence will strengthen the argument and make it more persuasive.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally deviates from the main topic, particularly in the discussion about "weird food" and vague references to environmental factors. These points are not clearly linked to the central argument regarding government responsibility and can distract from the main focus of the essay.
- How to improve: To stay on topic, the writer should ensure that every paragraph directly relates to the question prompt. Each point made should tie back to the discussion of government versus parental responsibility in addressing childhood obesity. A clear outline before writing can help maintain focus on the topic throughout the essay.

Overall, to achieve a higher band score, the writer should aim for a more comprehensive exploration of the prompt, maintain a consistent position, provide well-supported arguments, and ensure that all content is relevant to the topic. Additionally, addressing the word count requirement is essential, as being under the word limit can significantly impact the overall score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a viewpoint that the responsibility for children’s health does not lie with the government. However, the organization of ideas is somewhat unclear. The introduction states a disagreement with the notion that the government should intervene, but the subsequent paragraphs do not consistently build on this argument. For instance, the transition from discussing junk food to environmental factors is abrupt and lacks a clear connection to the main argument. The conclusion attempts to summarize the argument but does not effectively encapsulate the points made in the body paragraphs.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, the writer should clearly outline their main argument in the introduction and ensure that each paragraph directly supports this argument. Using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help clarify the main idea being discussed. Additionally, a more structured approach, such as presenting one reason per paragraph with supporting details, would improve coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay does use paragraphs, but they are not effectively structured. The first paragraph introduces the topic and the writer’s stance, while the subsequent paragraphs mix different ideas without clear separation. For example, the second paragraph discusses junk food, but the transition to environmental factors in the third paragraph is not smooth, leading to confusion about the main focus of each section.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should focus on a single idea or aspect of the argument. The writer should start with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details and examples. For instance, one paragraph could focus solely on the impact of junk food, while another could discuss the role of parental responsibility. This separation will help the reader follow the argument more easily.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates limited use of cohesive devices, which affects the overall flow of ideas. Words like "on the other hand" are used, but there is a lack of variety in linking phrases and transitions. Additionally, some sentences are repetitive, such as the mention of junk food leading to health issues, which could be expressed more succinctly.
- How to improve: To improve cohesion, the writer should incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices, such as "furthermore," "in addition," "however," and "consequently." This variety will help connect ideas more fluidly. Additionally, the writer should avoid redundancy by rephrasing similar ideas instead of repeating them, which will make the writing more concise and engaging.

By addressing these areas, the writer can significantly enhance the coherence and cohesion of their essay, potentially raising their band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some relevant terms such as "junk food," "fatty ingredients," and "genetically modified food." However, there are instances where the vocabulary is repetitive or lacks variety, such as the repeated use of "fat" and "unhealthy." This limits the overall lexical richness of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms and more varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "fat," you could use terms like "overweight," "obese," or "excess body weight." Additionally, using phrases like "nutritional deficiencies" or "poor dietary choices" could add depth to your arguments.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary is used correctly, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "the person who eats a lot of junk foods getting fat in the blood" is awkward and unclear. The term "fat in the blood" is not a standard expression and can confuse readers.
- How to improve: Aim for clarity and precision in your word choices. Instead of "fat in the blood," you might say "increased fat levels in the bloodstream" or "higher cholesterol levels." Always consider whether the terms you use accurately convey your intended meaning.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "due" instead of "do" in the prompt context, and "weird food," which might not be the best choice of words. Additionally, the use of double commas in "etc.,," is incorrect and detracts from the professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider proofreading your work carefully before submission. You might also benefit from using spell-check tools or practicing commonly misspelled words. Furthermore, ensure that punctuation is used correctly, as this affects the overall clarity and professionalism of your writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and presents arguments, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will significantly improve the Lexical Resource score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited variety of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, with few complex structures. For example, phrases like "if our child is fat or has some disease" and "which leads to some people believing" indicate an attempt at complexity, but they are not fully developed. The use of phrases such as "the reason for this is the child usually eats a high amount of junk food" lacks variation and could be expressed in a more sophisticated manner.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences, such as those that use subordinate clauses or varied conjunctions. For instance, instead of saying "if children are unwell, it involves the environment," the writer could say, "While children may be unwell due to various factors, including environmental influences, it is crucial to recognize the role of dietary choices." Practicing sentence combining exercises and reading more complex texts can help in developing this skill.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "the government must do anything for them and all they need to do is enjoy" is awkwardly constructed and lacks clarity. Additionally, the use of "etc.,," is incorrect; it should be "etc." with only one period. There are also instances of run-on sentences, such as "which leads to some people believing that the government must do anything for them and all they need to do is enjoy," which could be broken into two separate sentences for better readability.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and proper sentence structure. Regularly reviewing grammar rules and practicing writing can help. For punctuation, understanding the rules regarding commas, periods, and conjunctions will aid in constructing clearer sentences. For example, instead of "which leads to the person who eats a lot of junk foods getting fat in the blood, having problems with the heart, etc.,, or being fat," the writer could revise it to "This leads to various health issues, including obesity and heart problems, for those who consume excessive junk food."

Overall, the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic but requires significant improvement in both grammatical range and accuracy to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on sentence variety and grammatical precision will enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this era, many individuals often misperceive their children as overweight and unhealthy, which is not solely their responsibility. This leads some people to believe that the government must intervene, allowing them to enjoy a carefree lifestyle. From my perspective, I completely disagree with this notion.

In my view, if a child is overweight or suffers from health issues, the primary reason is often that they consume excessive amounts of junk food. Fast foods typically contain high levels of fat, which can lead to developing high blood lipid levels and experiencing cardiovascular issues. Consequently, a diet rich in junk food can result in children becoming overweight or developing diseases.

On the other hand, if children are unwell, various factors contribute to this situation, including the environment, genetically modified foods, and the individuals they interact with. For instance, a child may face health problems if they consume unhealthy foods regularly. Therefore, it is essential to consider all factors that contribute to their health.

To sum up, children becoming overweight or developing diseases is not the responsibility of the government; it is analogous to parental responsibility. Parents play a crucial role in guiding their children’s dietary choices and overall well-being.