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In many countries, imprisonment is the most common solution to crime. However, some people argue that better education would be a more effective solution. Do you agree or disagree?

In many countries, imprisonment is the most common solution to crime. However, some people argue that better education would be a more effective solution. Do you agree or disagree?

These days, prison sentences are more prevalently adopted to deal with criminals in numerous countries. Some people, however, support better education as an alternative solution to the problem. I personally content with this point of view for some valid reasons analyzed below.
Undeniably, many offenders come from low-income families with little social exposure and little schooling and many individuals from low societal ranks have no choice but to offend due to lack of economic opportunities. Therefore, providing them with qualified education is required rather than imposing prison sentences which could be counter-productive in these cases. For example, by instilling into them life lessons as to how to become virtuous and helpful individuals in society, they can integrate back into society more easily and can make improvements in life.
Furthermore, incarceration proves to be an imperfect method of crime management as it fundamentally fails at one crucial task, that is, instilling a code of morality. Consequently, it does not provide a lasting solution to the issue of crime. The essential approach should involve teaching people what is right or wrong without relying on punitive measures. This approach not only reduces the need for extensive policing but also encourages individuals to regulate their own behavior. Countries like Sweden, despite relatively tame penalties for legal offenses, have one of the lowest recidivism rates in the world, showcasing their success through a strong emphasis on quality education.
I am of the belief that a good-quality education should be an effective alternative method for prison punishment. However, I still believe that imprisonment and education can be utilized simultaneously in a proper way to cope with criminals.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "These days, prison sentences are more prevalently adopted" -> "Currently, prison sentences are more widely embraced"
    Explanation: Replacing "These days" with "Currently" provides a more formal and precise introduction. Additionally, substituting "prevalently adopted" with "widely embraced" maintains formality while avoiding redundancy.

  2. "Some people, however, support better education as an alternative solution to the problem." -> "However, some advocate for a more robust education as an alternative solution to this issue."
    Explanation: The revised sentence employs a more formal structure, replacing "Some people" with "However, some." The term "advocate for" is more formal than "support," and "robust education" is a more precise expression than "better education."

  3. "I personally content with this point of view" -> "I personally concur with this perspective"
    Explanation: Substituting "content" with "concur" enhances the formality of the statement. "Concur" is a more formal term that aligns better with academic writing.

  4. "valid reasons analyzed below." -> "valid reasons analyzed in the following discussion."
    Explanation: The phrase "analyzed below" is replaced with "analyzed in the following discussion" for a more formal and structured transition to the subsequent points.

  5. "many offenders come from low-income families with little social exposure and little schooling" -> "many offenders originate from low-income families with limited social exposure and inadequate schooling."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses more precise language, such as "originate" instead of "come from" and "inadequate schooling" instead of "little schooling," to enhance clarity and formality.

  6. "by instilling into them life lessons" -> "by imparting essential life lessons to them"
    Explanation: The phrase "instilling into them" is replaced with "imparting essential" for a more formal and refined expression.

  7. "make improvements in life." -> "make positive advancements in their lives."
    Explanation: Substituting "improvements in life" with "positive advancements in their lives" adds formality and clarity to the statement.

  8. "incarceration proves to be an imperfect method" -> "Incarceration proves to be an imperfect means"
    Explanation: Replacing "method" with "means" contributes to a more formal tone, and the use of "imperfect" is retained for accuracy.

  9. "instilling a code of morality." -> "instilling a sense of morality."
    Explanation: Changing "code of morality" to "sense of morality" maintains the intended meaning while improving the formality of the expression.

  10. "it does not provide a lasting solution to the issue of crime." -> "it does not offer a lasting resolution to the issue of crime."
    Explanation: Substituting "solution" with "resolution" enhances the formality of the statement without sacrificing clarity.

  11. "The essential approach should involve teaching people what is right or wrong" -> "The essential approach should encompass educating individuals on ethical principles"
    Explanation: Replacing "teaching people what is right or wrong" with "educating individuals on ethical principles" results in a more formal and precise expression.

  12. "Countries like Sweden, despite relatively tame penalties for legal offenses" -> "Countries such as Sweden, despite relatively lenient penalties for legal offenses"
    Explanation: Using "such as" instead of "like" is more appropriate in formal writing, and "lenient penalties" is a more refined phrase than "relatively tame penalties."

  13. "showcasing their success through a strong emphasis on quality education." -> "demonstrating their success through a robust commitment to quality education."
    Explanation: Replacing "showcasing" with "demonstrating" and "emphasis" with "commitment" contributes to a more formal and nuanced expression.

  14. "I am of the belief that a good-quality education should be an effective alternative method for prison punishment." -> "I believe that a high-quality education should serve as an effective alternative to imprisonment."
    Explanation: Simplifying the sentence and using "serve as" instead of "be" enhances clarity and formality.

  15. "imprisonment and education can be utilized simultaneously" -> "imprisonment and education can be employed concurrently"
    Explanation: Substituting "utilized simultaneously" with "employed concurrently" maintains formality while providing a more precise term for the coexistence of imprisonment and education.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument, presenting reasons in favor of better education as a solution to crime. It acknowledges the prevalence of prison sentences but asserts a personal agreement with the idea of using education. The reference to economic opportunities and the impact on low-income individuals demonstrates a thorough consideration of the question.
    • How to improve: To enhance completeness, consider providing a brief counterargument or acknowledging potential limitations of the proposed solution. This can add depth to the analysis.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance in favor of using better education as a solution to crime. The opening and concluding paragraphs express agreement with this perspective, and each supporting point aligns with this overarching position.
    • How to improve: Ensure that the thesis statement explicitly states the position on the issue. While the position is clear through the essay, explicitly stating it in the introduction can strengthen the overall coherence.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents and develops ideas effectively. The discussion about the link between low-income backgrounds and criminal behavior is well-supported. The example of Sweden adds depth and credibility to the argument by providing a real-world illustration.
    • How to improve: Consider expanding on the example of Sweden, providing more details about their educational system and its impact on reducing recidivism. This would strengthen the evidence and further support the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, discussing the effectiveness of education as an alternative to imprisonment. However, the mention of utilizing both imprisonment and education towards the end introduces a potential deviation. While this is a valid point, it could be discussed more thoroughly or introduced earlier in the essay.
    • How to improve: If discussing both methods, allocate sufficient space to explore the potential benefits and challenges of a combined approach. Ensure that each point directly relates to the main theme of education as a solution to crime.

In summary, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, maintaining a clear position in favor of better education. The ideas are well-presented and supported, but slight improvements can be made for a more comprehensive analysis and coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction presents the topic, the body paragraphs delve into supporting points, and the conclusion offers a brief summary and the author’s stance. However, there is room for improvement in the sequencing of ideas within paragraphs, especially in the second paragraph where the transition between the reasons supporting better education is somewhat abrupt.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure a smooth transition between ideas within paragraphs. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details. In the second paragraph, consider providing a stronger link between the reasons presented, creating a more cohesive progression of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but their structure could be refined. Each paragraph addresses a distinct point, but the development within some paragraphs is uneven. For instance, the second paragraph could benefit from a clearer structure and more evenly distributed development of the reasons supporting better education.
    • How to improve: Focus on creating well-structured paragraphs with a clear topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence. Ensure that each paragraph contributes consistently to the overall argument. In the second paragraph, distribute the development of reasons more evenly, providing a balanced and thorough exploration of each point.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transition words (e.g., "Furthermore," "Therefore"). However, there is limited variety, and the connections between sentences and ideas could be strengthened. The essay lacks a cohesive device to smoothly bridge the gap between the discussion of low-income families in the first paragraph and the imperfection of incarceration in the second paragraph.
    • How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices to enhance the overall coherence of the essay. Introduce a broader range of transition words and phrases to link sentences and paragraphs more effectively. In particular, consider incorporating transitional sentences to improve the connection between the ideas presented in different paragraphs, creating a more seamless flow.

By refining these aspects, the essay’s coherence and cohesion can be further strengthened, potentially elevating the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, utilizing words like "prevalently," "counter-productive," and "recidivism." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further, particularly in the use of synonyms and more sophisticated language.
    • How to improve: To enhance the vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms for frequently used words. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "education," you could introduce variations like "academic instruction," "learning," or "scholarly pursuits."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay sometimes lacks precision in vocabulary usage. For instance, the phrase "come from low-income families with little social exposure" could benefit from more specific terms to precisely convey the idea. Additionally, there is a tendency to use general terms like "virtuous" without specifying the virtues in question.
    • How to improve: Focus on selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Instead of using broad terms, provide specific examples or elaborate on the virtues being referred to. For instance, specifying qualities like integrity, empathy, or responsibility would add precision to the argument.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are instances where small errors, such as "content" instead of "contend," can be found. While these errors do not significantly impede comprehension, consistent attention to spelling is essential.
    • How to improve: Carefully proofread the essay to catch and correct minor spelling errors. Additionally, consider using spelling and grammar check tools to enhance overall accuracy. Developing a habit of reviewing written work systematically will contribute to minimizing such errors.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary, but improvements in range and precision could elevate the lexical resource score. Additionally, maintaining a high level of spelling accuracy will enhance the overall clarity and professionalism of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. Simple and complex sentences are utilized, and there is an attempt at cohesion with transitional phrases. However, the essay could benefit from more complex sentence structures, such as compound-complex sentences, to enhance fluency and coherence. For instance, the essay often employs straightforward sentence structures like "Some people, however, support better education," which, while grammatically correct, lacks the complexity that higher bands typically require.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating a wider array of sentence structures. Experiment with compound-complex sentences, use advanced punctuation (such as semicolons or em dashes), and vary the length and structure of sentences for a more engaging and sophisticated writing style.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances where minor grammatical errors occur, such as in the sentence, "I personally content with this point of view." The correct term should be "I personally contend with this point of view." Additionally, there are a few instances where punctuation use is not optimal. For instance, "Undeniably, many offenders come from low-income families with little social exposure and little schooling and many individuals from low societal ranks have no choice but to offend due to lack of economic opportunities" could benefit from clearer punctuation to avoid confusion.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to grammatical accuracy, particularly in the use of verbs and subject-verb agreement. Proofread the essay for minor errors and consider seeking feedback from others. In terms of punctuation, focus on using punctuation marks to enhance clarity. For the mentioned sentence, consider breaking it into smaller sentences or using appropriate punctuation to avoid ambiguity.

In summary, while the essay exhibits competency in grammatical range and accuracy, further refinement is needed to reach a higher band score. Experimenting with more diverse sentence structures and addressing minor grammatical errors will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

These days, prison sentences are more widely embraced as a prevailing solution for handling criminals in numerous countries. However, some advocate for a more robust education as an alternative solution to this issue. I personally concur with this perspective for valid reasons analyzed in the following discussion.

Undeniably, many offenders originate from low-income families with limited social exposure and inadequate schooling. Individuals from these lower societal ranks often find themselves compelled to offend due to a lack of economic opportunities. Therefore, imparting essential life lessons to them becomes crucial, rather than resorting to prison sentences, which could prove counter-productive in such cases. For example, by educating them on how to become virtuous and helpful individuals in society, we can facilitate their integration back into society, enabling them to make positive advancements in their lives.

Furthermore, incarceration proves to be an imperfect means of instilling a sense of morality, and it does not offer a lasting resolution to the issue of crime. The essential approach should encompass educating individuals on ethical principles, teaching them what is right or wrong without solely relying on punitive measures. This approach not only reduces the need for extensive policing but also encourages individuals to regulate their own behavior. Countries such as Sweden, despite relatively lenient penalties for legal offenses, demonstrate their success through a robust commitment to quality education.

In conclusion, I believe that a high-quality education should serve as an effective alternative to imprisonment. However, it’s important to note that imprisonment and education can be employed concurrently in a balanced and strategic manner to effectively cope with criminals.

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