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In many countries, imprisonment is the most common solution to crime. However, some people argue that better education would be a more effective solution. Do you agree or disagree?

In many countries, imprisonment is the most common solution to crime. However, some people argue that better education would be a more effective solution. Do you agree or disagree?

These days, prison sentences are more widely embraced as a prevailing solution for handling criminals in numerous countries. However, some advocate for a more robust education as an alternative solution to this issue. I personally concur with this perspective for valid reasons analyzed in the following discussion.
Undeniably, many offenders originate from low-income families with limited social exposure and inadequate schooling. Individuals from these lower societal ranks often find themselves compelled to offend due to a lack of economic opportunities. Therefore, imparting essential life lessons to them becomes crucial, rather than resorting to prison sentences, which could prove counter-productive in such cases. For example, by educating them on how to become virtuous and helpful individuals in society, we can facilitate their integration back into society, enabling them to make positive advancements in their lives.
Furthermore, incarceration proves to be an imperfect means of instilling a sense of morality, and it does not offer a lasting resolution to the issue of crime. The essential approach should encompass educating individuals on ethical principles, and teaching them what is right or wrong without solely relying on punitive measures. This approach not only reduces the need for extensive policing but also encourages individuals to regulate their own behavior. Countries such as Sweden, despite relatively lenient penalties for legal offenses, demonstrate their success through a robust commitment to quality education.
In conclusion, I believe that a high-quality education should serve as an effective alternative to imprisonment. However, it's important to note that imprisonment and education can be employed concurrently in a balanced and strategic manner to effectively cope with criminals.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "These days" -> "Currently"
    Explanation: Replacing the colloquial expression "These days" with "Currently" imparts a more formal tone to the opening phrase, aligning it with academic style.

  2. "more widely embraced" -> "increasingly adopted"
    Explanation: Substituting "more widely embraced" with "increasingly adopted" introduces a more sophisticated expression, emphasizing the growing acceptance of prison sentences in handling criminals.

  3. "robust education" -> "comprehensive education"
    Explanation: Replacing "robust education" with "comprehensive education" conveys a more nuanced and detailed approach to education, enhancing the formality and precision of the language.

  4. "I personally concur" -> "I agree"
    Explanation: Simplifying "I personally concur" to "I agree" maintains the agreement but removes unnecessary emphasis, aligning with a more formal tone.

  5. "valid reasons analyzed" -> "valid reasons outlined"
    Explanation: Substituting "valid reasons analyzed" with "valid reasons outlined" maintains the clarity while utilizing a more precise term in an academic context.

  6. "Undeniably" -> "Certainly"
    Explanation: Replacing "Undeniably" with "Certainly" retains the certainty in the statement while using a more formal synonym.

  7. "compelled to offend" -> "driven to commit offenses"
    Explanation: Changing "compelled to offend" to "driven to commit offenses" introduces a more formal and precise expression.

  8. "imparting essential life lessons" -> "providing fundamental life skills"
    Explanation: Substituting "imparting essential life lessons" with "providing fundamental life skills" maintains clarity while using a more academically appropriate phrase.

  9. "counter-productive" -> "counterproductive"
    Explanation: Adjusting "counter-productive" to "counterproductive" follows standard spelling conventions, enhancing the essay’s formality.

  10. "make positive advancements" -> "achieve positive progress"
    Explanation: Replacing "make positive advancements" with "achieve positive progress" conveys the idea with a more formal and precise choice of words.

  11. "incarceration proves to be" -> "imprisonment is"
    Explanation: Simplifying "incarceration proves to be" to "imprisonment is" maintains clarity while adopting a more direct and formal expression.

  12. "instilling a sense of morality" -> "cultivating moral values"
    Explanation: Substituting "instilling a sense of morality" with "cultivating moral values" enhances precision and formality in describing the objective of education.

  13. "punitive measures" -> "disciplinary measures"
    Explanation: Replacing "punitive measures" with "disciplinary measures" maintains the meaning while employing a more formal term.

  14. "relatively lenient penalties" -> "moderate penalties"
    Explanation: Changing "relatively lenient penalties" to "moderate penalties" provides a more precise and formal description of the legal consequences.

  15. "cope with criminals" -> "address criminal behavior"
    Explanation: Substituting "cope with criminals" with "address criminal behavior" maintains clarity and uses a more formal expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay successfully addresses all parts of the prompt. It acknowledges the prevalence of imprisonment as a solution to crime and supports the alternative perspective of better education. Relevant sections of the essay highlight the connection between low-income backgrounds, lack of education, and criminal behavior. The concluding statement acknowledges the potential synergy between education and imprisonment.
    • How to improve: While the essay covers all aspects of the prompt, adding more specific examples or case studies could further strengthen the argument. This would provide additional depth to the analysis and make the essay more compelling.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position in favor of better education as a more effective solution to crime. The stance is evident in the thesis statement and is consistently supported throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, consider explicitly restating the main position in each paragraph to reinforce the essay’s overall stance. This ensures that the reader is consistently reminded of the central argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It discusses the link between crime and socioeconomic factors, advocates for education as a preventive measure, and provides a relevant example from Sweden.
    • How to improve: While the example of Sweden is relevant, expanding on it or providing additional examples from different countries could strengthen the argument. This would demonstrate a broader understanding of the topic and add more persuasive power to the essay.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the dichotomy between imprisonment and education in crime prevention. However, there is a slight deviation in the concluding statement, which introduces the idea of using both education and imprisonment concurrently.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that the conclusion aligns more closely with the central argument. If the intention is to suggest a balanced approach, this idea could be integrated more seamlessly into the main body of the essay.

Overall Comments: The essay effectively addresses the prompt, presenting a clear and consistent position in favor of better education as a solution to crime. To further enhance the essay, consider providing more specific examples, reinforcing the main position in each paragraph, and ensuring the conclusion aligns closely with the central argument. Overall, a well-structured and articulate response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction introduces the topic and the writer’s stance clearly. Each paragraph follows a coherent progression of ideas, with the first focusing on the socioeconomic background of offenders, the second on the limitations of incarceration, and the third suggesting a balanced approach.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider refining the transitions between paragraphs. For instance, use explicit transitional phrases to guide the reader through the shift from discussing socioeconomic factors to the limitations of imprisonment. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph builds on the preceding one, creating a seamless progression of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each one devoted to a specific aspect of the argument. The structure within paragraphs is clear, featuring a topic sentence followed by supporting details and examples.
    • How to improve: While the structure is effective, aim for a more varied sentence structure within paragraphs. Introduce sentence lengths and types to create a dynamic and engaging rhythm. This can contribute to a more sophisticated writing style, enhancing the overall quality of the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a range of cohesive devices, including pronouns ("this perspective"), conjunctions ("however," "furthermore," "in conclusion"), and transitional phrases ("undeniably," "for example"). These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: To further enrich cohesion, consider incorporating more advanced transitional expressions and synonyms. This can elevate the essay’s coherence by reducing repetition and introducing a greater variety of linguistic devices. Additionally, pay attention to the balance between cohesion and conciseness to avoid overly complex sentence structures that may hinder clarity.

Overall, this essay exhibits a strong grasp of coherence and cohesion, with minor improvements suggested to refine the logical organization, enhance sentence structure variety, and introduce more advanced cohesive devices.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "prevailing solution," "counter-productive," "virtuous," and "robust commitment." However, there is room for improvement as some vocabulary choices are repetitive, and certain phrases lack variety.

    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more varied synonyms and exploring different expressions. For instance, instead of frequently using "education," you might use alternatives like "instruction," "learning," or "enlightenment" where appropriate. Additionally, introducing more specialized terms related to crime, punishment, and education could elevate the lexical diversity.

  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary precisely, with specific terms like "low-income families," "economic opportunities," and "ethical principles." However, there are instances where more precise language could be employed. For example, the phrase "a more robust education" could benefit from specifying what aspects make the education robust.

    • How to improve: To achieve precision, consider providing more explicit details in your expressions. Instead of using broad terms like "robust education," you might specify elements such as "comprehensive academic programs," "practical skill development," or "targeted vocational training." This clarity ensures that the reader understands the nuances of your argument.

  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate. However, there are a few instances where small errors exist, such as "prevailing" spelled as "prevailingg" and "coperatively" instead of "cooperatively."

    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, it is recommended to proofread the essay thoroughly before submission. Paying attention to common typographical errors and using spell-check tools can help catch and rectify such minor spelling mistakes. Additionally, dedicating specific time to review and edit your writing can contribute to improved spelling consistency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. There is evident use of transitional phrases, contributing to the essay’s coherence. For instance, in the opening paragraph, the use of a complex sentence, "I personally concur with this perspective for valid reasons analyzed in the following discussion," adds sophistication to the expression of the writer’s opinion.
    • How to improve: While the essay displays diversity in sentence structures, further enhancement can be achieved by incorporating more intricate sentence constructions, such as using conditional sentences or employing rhetorical devices like parallelism. This would elevate the overall richness of expression and engage the reader more effectively.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances where a minor lack of precision is observed. In the phrase, "by educating them on how to become virtuous and helpful individuals in society," the preposition ‘on’ could be replaced with ‘about’ for improved accuracy. Additionally, there’s a tendency to use commas before coordinating conjunctions in compound sentences, which is not incorrect but could be refined for a more polished style.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, attention to prepositions and conjunctions is crucial. Proofreading specifically for the precise use of these elements can contribute to a more refined expression. Additionally, considering alternative punctuation strategies, like the use of semicolons or em dashes, can further elevate the essay’s punctuation finesse.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong grasp of grammatical range and accuracy. To achieve an even higher score, the writer could focus on incorporating more intricate sentence structures and refining the use of certain grammatical elements. Additionally, a meticulous review for precise preposition and conjunction usage, along with experimenting with varied punctuation styles, would contribute to a more polished and sophisticated essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In various nations, incarceration is currently the widely embraced solution for dealing with criminals. Nevertheless, an increasingly adopted viewpoint suggests that a more comprehensive education could be a more effective alternative. I agree with this perspective, and the valid reasons outlined in the following discussion support this stance.

Certainly, many individuals engaged in criminal activities come from low-income backgrounds, experiencing limited social exposure and inadequate schooling. Those from lower societal ranks often feel compelled to commit offenses due to a lack of economic opportunities. Therefore, providing fundamental life skills becomes crucial, rather than resorting to imprisonment, which could prove counterproductive in such cases. For instance, by educating them on how to become virtuous and helpful members of society, we can facilitate their integration back into the community, enabling them to achieve positive progress in their lives.

Moreover, imprisonment is not a perfect means of cultivating moral values, offering only a temporary resolution to the issue of crime. The essential approach should involve educating individuals on ethical principles, teaching them what is right or wrong without solely relying on punitive measures. This not only reduces the need for extensive policing but also encourages individuals to regulate their own behavior. Countries like Sweden, despite employing moderate penalties for legal offenses, showcase success through a robust commitment to quality education.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that a high-quality education should serve as an effective alternative to imprisonment. However, it’s important to note that imprisonment and education can be employed concurrently in a balanced and strategic manner to address criminal behavior effectively.

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