In many countries, the most common solution for criminal behaviour is prison but many believe that better education is more effective. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In many countries, the most common solution for criminal behaviour is prison but many believe that better education is more effective.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In many particular regions of the world, imprisonment is an effective solution to deal with crime. On the contrary, many people believe that it is better to enhance quality education. Personally, I agree with this idea to some extents of criminal behavior.

On the one hand, upgrading the education system. will be an ideal method to face petty offenses. To begin with, improving the quality of teaching and studying will help offenders have a shift in their behavior. This is because the laws enacted for a civilized society are always lenient which directly affects people's peaceful life. With this tolerant quality of the laws, education can raise people’s awareness, help them realize their mistake in a slight level without using strict punishment. For example, Vietnamese law do not imprison juvenile crimes under 16 years old who have not developed awareness and behavior completely. Moreover, educating lawbreakers is a long-term method so that they avoid reoffending in the future.

On the other hand, incarcerating is also an effective
solution for indictable offense. The first reason is that putting crimes in jail brings them into line and forces them to re- educate by corporal punishment because of serious sin of commission. For instance, some felonies such as murder, mugging, drug trafficking,… dangerously violate human's rights and crimes need to pay for their delict adequatoly . Offenders will be supervised by superintendents in the shift of their attitudes so that there are not any gaps for crimes to escape. In addition, imprisonment can do what education can not do for serious criminals is to deter them from losing their freedom, career and honor. As a result, would-be offenders will be afraid of violating the laws and being imprisoned.

In conclusion, I believe that combining flexibly and unitelly education and imprisonment can create a society with both strictness and generous.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In many particular regions of the world" -> "In various regions worldwide"
   Explanation: "Various regions worldwide" is more precise and formal, avoiding the awkward phrasing of "many particular regions."

2. "an effective solution to deal with" -> "an effective means of addressing"
   Explanation: "Means of addressing" is more formal and precise than "solution to deal with," which is somewhat colloquial.

3. "to some extents of criminal behavior" -> "to some extent of criminal behavior"
   Explanation: "To some extent" is the correct idiomatic expression, and "of" should be used instead of "of" to correctly modify "extent."

4. "upgrading the education system. will be an ideal method" -> "upgrading the education system will be an ideal method"
   Explanation: Remove the unnecessary period after "system" to correct the punctuation.

5. "face petty offenses" -> "address petty offenses"
   Explanation: "Address" is more appropriate in formal academic writing than "face," which is less precise in this context.

6. "This is because the laws enacted for a civilized society are always lenient which directly affects people’s peaceful life." -> "This is because the laws enacted for a civilized society are often lenient, directly affecting people’s peaceful lives."
   Explanation: "Often" is more accurate than "always," as laws can vary in their leniency. Also, "affecting" should be used instead of "affects" for grammatical agreement with the plural subject "people’s peaceful lives."

7. "do not imprison juvenile crimes" -> "do not imprison juveniles"
   Explanation: "Juvenile crimes" is incorrect; "juveniles" is the correct term for individuals under a certain age.

8. "educating lawbreakers is a long-term method" -> "educating lawbreakers is a long-term approach"
   Explanation: "Approach" is more formal and academically appropriate than "method" in this context.

9. "incarcerating is also an effective solution for indictable offense" -> "incarceration is also an effective solution for indictable offenses"
   Explanation: "Incarceration" is the noun form, and "offenses" should be plural to match the general context.

10. "putting crimes in jail" -> "incarcerating offenders"
    Explanation: "Incarcerating offenders" is more formal and precise than "putting crimes in jail."

11. "re- educate by corporal punishment" -> "re-educate through corporal punishment"
    Explanation: "Through" is the correct preposition for indicating the means by which something is done, not "by."

12. "serious sin of commission" -> "serious acts of commission"
    Explanation: "Acts of commission" is the correct term for describing intentional wrongdoings.

13. "delict adequatoly" -> "delict adequately"
    Explanation: Corrects the spelling error in "adequately."

14. "do what education can not do" -> "do what education cannot do"
    Explanation: "Cannot" is the correct form of the modal verb "can" in this context.

15. "would-be offenders" -> "potential offenders"
    Explanation: "Potential offenders" is a more formal and precise term than "would-be offenders."

16. "unitelly" -> "unitedly"
    Explanation: Corrects the spelling error to "unitedly," which means together or in harmony.

17. "combine flexibly and unitelly" -> "combine flexibly and effectively"
    Explanation: "Effectively" is the correct adverb to describe the manner in which something is done, replacing the incorrect "unitelly."

These changes enhance the formal tone and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding the effectiveness of prison versus education in dealing with criminal behavior. The writer acknowledges that education can be a solution for petty offenses while also recognizing the necessity of imprisonment for serious crimes. However, the phrase "to some extents" is vague and does not clearly convey the writer’s overall stance on the issue. This lack of clarity in the degree of agreement or disagreement affects the response.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state their position on the extent of agreement or disagreement at the beginning of the essay. A clear thesis statement would help guide the reader and provide a framework for the arguments that follow. For example, stating "I believe that education is more effective than imprisonment for petty crimes, but imprisonment is necessary for serious offenses" would clarify the writer’s stance.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that leans towards education but lacks consistency in articulating this stance. The use of "to some extents" creates ambiguity, which detracts from the overall clarity. Additionally, the conclusion does not reinforce a strong position but instead suggests a hybrid approach without clearly indicating which method is preferred or under what circumstances.
  • How to improve: The writer should maintain a clear position throughout the essay by consistently referring back to their main argument in each paragraph. Using phrases like "I strongly believe" or "It is crucial to recognize" can help reinforce the writer’s viewpoint. The conclusion should also summarize the main arguments and restate the writer’s position more decisively.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the benefits of education in preventing reoffending and the necessity of imprisonment for serious crimes. However, some points lack depth and specific examples. For instance, the argument about the effectiveness of education could be strengthened with more detailed examples or statistics, while the discussion on imprisonment could benefit from a clearer explanation of how it deters crime.
  • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations. Incorporating statistics or studies that support the claims about education and crime prevention would add credibility. Additionally, each point should be elaborated upon to ensure that the reader fully understands the argument being made.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the effectiveness of education versus imprisonment. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, such as when discussing the leniency of laws without directly linking it back to the main argument. This can create confusion about how these points relate to the overall discussion.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly supports their thesis. It may be helpful to outline the main points before writing to ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall argument. Additionally, using transitional phrases can help guide the reader and clarify how each point relates to the main topic.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improvements in clarity, depth of support, and focus would enhance the overall effectiveness of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the effectiveness of education versus imprisonment in addressing criminal behavior. The introduction outlines the two perspectives, and each body paragraph discusses one side of the argument. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing education to imprisonment lacks a clear linking sentence that would guide the reader through the argument. The conclusion attempts to summarize the points made but introduces new ideas about combining strategies, which may confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate back to the thesis statement. Additionally, use transition phrases such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely" to signal shifts in perspective more effectively. Ensure that the conclusion reiterates the main points without introducing new concepts.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. However, the first body paragraph lacks a clear topic sentence and instead begins with a fragment. This can disrupt the reader’s understanding of the main point being discussed. The second body paragraph is more structured but could benefit from clearer links to the overall argument.
  • How to improve: Begin each paragraph with a strong topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea of that paragraph. For instance, instead of starting with "On the one hand, upgrading the education system," consider rephrasing it to something like "Education plays a crucial role in reducing petty crime." This will provide clarity and direction for the reader. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph flows logically into the next.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "Moreover," which help to connect ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas could be made clearer. For example, the phrase "This is because the laws enacted for a civilized society are always lenient" could be better connected to the previous sentence to enhance clarity.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "In addition," "Consequently," and "As a result." This will help to create a more cohesive narrative throughout the essay. Additionally, ensure that each sentence logically follows from the previous one, using phrases that explicitly show the relationship between ideas.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve greater coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "imprisonment," "indictable offense," and "juvenile crimes." However, the vocabulary used tends to be somewhat repetitive and lacks variation. For instance, the phrase "effective solution" appears multiple times without synonyms or variations, which limits the lexical diversity.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could explore synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "effective solution," alternatives like "viable approach," "practical measure," or "beneficial strategy" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more advanced vocabulary related to crime and education would elevate the essay’s sophistication.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary is used correctly, there are instances of imprecise usage that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "tolerant quality of the laws" is vague and could be misinterpreted. Additionally, the term "corporal punishment" is used in a context that suggests it refers to educational methods, which is misleading.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should ensure that the vocabulary accurately reflects the intended meaning. For instance, replacing "tolerant quality of the laws" with "leniency of the laws" would clarify the point. Furthermore, using "rehabilitation" instead of "corporal punishment" when discussing educational methods would provide a more accurate depiction of the intended message.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "extents" (should be "extent"), "adequatoly" (should be "adequately"), and "unitelly" (should be "unitedly"). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the overall professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should consider implementing a proofreading strategy. This could involve reading the essay aloud to catch errors, using spell-check tools, or writing drafts and revising them after a break to see the text with fresh eyes. Additionally, practicing spelling common academic vocabulary can help reduce errors in future essays.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of lexical resource, addressing the above areas for improvement could significantly enhance the quality and effectiveness of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" helps to structure the argument clearly. However, the overall range is limited, with several sentences being quite similar in construction. For instance, the sentence "To begin with, improving the quality of teaching and studying will help offenders have a shift in their behavior" could be rephrased to enhance variety.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that use subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "This is because the laws enacted for a civilized society are always lenient," you could say, "Because the laws enacted for a civilized society are often lenient, education can play a crucial role in raising awareness among potential offenders." Additionally, varying the use of introductory phrases and linking words can enhance the flow and complexity of the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, "upgrading the education system. will be an ideal method" should not have a period before "will." Additionally, phrases like "do not imprison juvenile crimes" should be corrected to "do not imprison juvenile offenders." There are also instances of awkward phrasing, such as "serious sin of commission," which could be more clearly expressed as "serious crimes." Furthermore, punctuation errors, such as the misuse of commas and periods, disrupt the flow of the text.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay carefully. Pay attention to sentence boundaries and ensure that punctuation is used correctly. For example, review the use of commas in lists and after introductory clauses. Additionally, consider practicing grammar exercises focusing on common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Reading more academic texts can also help in understanding proper sentence structure and punctuation usage.

In summary, while the essay shows a basic understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, there is significant room for improvement. By diversifying sentence structures and focusing on grammatical and punctuation accuracy, the overall quality of the writing can be enhanced.

Bài sửa mẫu

In various regions worldwide, imprisonment is often viewed as an effective means of addressing crime. Conversely, many people argue that enhancing the quality of education is a more effective solution. Personally, I agree with this perspective to some extent of criminal behavior.

On the one hand, upgrading the education system will be an ideal method to address petty offenses. To begin with, improving the quality of teaching and learning can help offenders shift their behavior. This is because the laws enacted for a civilized society are often lenient, directly affecting people’s peaceful lives. With this tolerant nature of the laws, education can raise individuals’ awareness, helping them recognize their mistakes at a minor level without resorting to strict punishment. For example, Vietnamese law does not imprison juveniles under 16 years old who have not fully developed their awareness and behavior. Moreover, educating lawbreakers is a long-term approach that can help them avoid reoffending in the future.

On the other hand, incarcerating offenders is also an effective solution for indictable offenses. The first reason is that putting criminals in jail brings them into line and forces them to re-educate through corporal punishment due to serious acts of commission. For instance, felonies such as murder, mugging, and drug trafficking dangerously violate human rights, and offenders need to pay for their delict adequately. Offenders will be supervised by authorities during their rehabilitation, ensuring that there are no opportunities for them to escape accountability. In addition, incarceration can do what education cannot do for serious criminals: it deters them from losing their freedom, career, and honor. As a result, potential offenders will be afraid of violating the laws and facing imprisonment.

In conclusion, I believe that combining education and imprisonment in a flexible and united manner can create a society that balances both strictness and compassion.