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In many parts of the world, some famous people are considered as ‘role models’ and they are having an increasing influence on the young. Is this a positive or negative development?

In many parts of the world, some famous people are considered as ‘role models’ and they are having an increasing influence on the young. Is this a positive or negative development?

It is argued that renowned individuals have a growing influence on young adults who consider them as role models. While there are some drawbacks associated with this trend, the writer believes that it is a positive development, and both sides will be explained in detail.

On the one hand, some celebrities' lifestyle encourages a lazy and materialistic way of living among young individuals. As online content tends to be more sensational than to be educational, influencers are more keen on associating themselves with an extravagant lifestyle, which can attract so many viewers idealizing them as the perfect models. For instance, there is a TikTok trend in which many well-known individuals waste so much food just to make a one-person portion, and this seems to gain a great degree of popularity for the content creators in just a short period. Consequently, this directly affects young viewers' behavior, as it is believed that food waste means fame, and hence develops more and more negative actions for the sake of being famous.

On the other hand, the growing popularity of celebrities facilitates philanthropy actions on a global scale. Thanks to social media platforms, influencers can act as representatives for so many campaigns relating to the environment or human rights, as well as donations for those with emergent needs. Mr Beast, the second-highest most subscribed youtuber in the world, creates so many videos focusing on the act of philanthropy, which successfully attracts over one hundred million views per video. He exemplifies as an inspirational celebrity for thousands of people, especially the younger ones, fostering a positive development in the awareness of the community.

To conclude, I believe that generally, it is an advantageous trend, as people can look up to more human-oriented lifestyles than the excessive spending ones.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is argued that renowned individuals" -> "It is contended that prominent figures"
    Explanation: Replacing "renowned individuals" with "prominent figures" adds formality to the introduction, aligning with academic style and conveying a more precise meaning.

  2. "the writer believes that it is a positive development" -> "the author contends that this constitutes a positive trend"
    Explanation: Substituting "believes" with "contends" and rephrasing "it is a positive development" to "this constitutes a positive trend" enhances formality and precision, maintaining a scholarly tone.

  3. "lifestyle encourages a lazy and materialistic way of living" -> "lifestyle promotes indolence and materialism"
    Explanation: Replacing "encourages" with "promotes," and refining "lazy and materialistic way of living" to "indolence and materialism," contributes to a more sophisticated and academically appropriate expression.

  4. "content tends to be more sensational than to be educational" -> "content tends to prioritize sensationalism over education"
    Explanation: Changing "more sensational than to be educational" to "prioritize sensationalism over education" improves clarity and aligns with a formal tone by using more precise language.

  5. "influencers are more keen on associating themselves with an extravagant lifestyle" -> "influencers are inclined to align themselves with opulent lifestyles"
    Explanation: Substituting "more keen on" with "inclined to" and refining "associating themselves with an extravagant lifestyle" to "align themselves with opulent lifestyles" enhances formality without sacrificing clarity.

  6. "which can attract so many viewers idealizing them as the perfect models" -> "which can attract numerous viewers idealizing them as exemplary models"
    Explanation: Replacing "so many" with "numerous" and "perfect" with "exemplary" contributes to a more formal and precise expression while maintaining clarity.

  7. "there is a TikTok trend" -> "a prevalent trend on TikTok"
    Explanation: Shifting "there is a TikTok trend" to "a prevalent trend on TikTok" enhances conciseness and formality, aligning with academic writing principles.

  8. "many well-known individuals waste so much food" -> "numerous well-known individuals squander a significant amount of food"
    Explanation: Replacing "many" with "numerous" and refining "waste so much" to "squander a significant amount of" improves precision and elevates the formality of the language.

  9. "just a short period" -> "a brief span"
    Explanation: Replacing "just a short period" with "a brief span" contributes to a more formal and refined expression, adhering to academic language norms.

  10. "Consequently, this directly affects young viewers’ behavior" -> "Consequently, this significantly influences the behavior of young viewers"
    Explanation: Substituting "directly affects" with "significantly influences" enhances precision and formality in describing the impact on young viewers’ behavior.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses all parts of the question by presenting arguments for both the positive and negative aspects of the influence of famous people as role models. The writer acknowledges the drawbacks but clearly states a positive stance, providing a comprehensive view.
    • How to improve: While the essay effectively covers both sides, providing a more nuanced analysis by considering counterarguments within the body paragraphs could enhance the depth of the response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, stating that the influence of famous individuals on the young is a positive development. Each paragraph is aligned with this perspective, contributing to the overall clarity.
    • How to improve: To further enhance clarity, consider explicitly summarizing the main stance in the introduction and reiterating it in the conclusion. This can reinforce the essay’s central argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas coherently, with examples supporting both the negative and positive impacts of famous individuals as role models. The example of the TikTok trend and Mr Beast’s philanthropy actions effectively extends and supports the writer’s points.
    • How to improve: To enhance idea development, consider providing more in-depth analysis and varied examples. Elaborate on the consequences of the negative influence and delve deeper into how Mr Beast’s actions specifically contribute to positive development.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay stays on topic, discussing the positive and negative aspects of famous individuals as role models. There are no significant deviations from the prompt.
    • How to improve: To ensure complete relevance, pay attention to the depth of analysis. Avoid general statements and strive for more specific, detailed insights to fully address the nuances of the topic.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the prompt, effectively presenting arguments and supporting examples. To further improve, focus on providing nuanced analyses, reinforcing the central stance, and offering more detailed insights into the presented ideas.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction clearly presents the writer’s stance and a brief overview of the arguments to be discussed. The body paragraphs present distinct points of view, each supported with relevant examples. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates the writer’s opinion. However, there is room for improvement in the logical flow within paragraphs. For instance, the transition between discussing the negative influence of celebrities and the positive influence could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, work on creating seamless transitions between ideas. Use transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader from one point to the next. Ensure that the progression of ideas within each paragraph is clear and follows a natural flow.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, there are instances where the length of paragraphs could be more balanced. For example, the paragraph discussing the negative impact of celebrities is longer than the one highlighting the positive influence, creating a slight imbalance.
    • How to improve: Strive for balanced paragraph lengths to maintain a consistent flow. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones to ensure a more even distribution of information. This not only improves readability but also helps in emphasizing key points more effectively.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases, to connect ideas and create coherence. However, there is a tendency to rely on a limited set of cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," which may lead to repetition.
    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices to avoid redundancy and enhance the overall coherence. Experiment with a broader range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," or "conversely," to add variety and maintain reader engagement. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay for a smoother flow of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use diverse words and phrases, such as "renowned individuals," "extravagant lifestyle," and "philanthropy actions." However, some repetitive phrases, like "young individuals" and "positive development," could be replaced with more varied expressions.
    • How to improve: To enhance the vocabulary range, consider using synonyms and alternative phrases to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of repeatedly mentioning "young individuals," use terms like "adolescents," "youth," or "youngsters." This will add variety and sophistication to the language.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances where words could be more precise. For example, the term "lazy" might be vague; specifying the type of laziness (e.g., lack of ambition or motivation) would provide a clearer picture.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by choosing words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Instead of "lazy," consider using terms like "apathetic" or "indolent" if those accurately capture the idea you wish to express. This ensures a more nuanced and specific use of language.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally accurate level of spelling. However, there are a few instances of minor errors, such as "youtuber" (should be "YouTuber") and missing spaces (e.g., "notionsfor").
    • How to improve: Carefully proofread the essay to catch such minor spelling errors. Additionally, consider using spell-check tools or asking a peer to review your writing to ensure the highest level of accuracy. Being vigilant about such details contributes to an overall polished and professional presentation.

In conclusion, while the essay displays a reasonably good command of vocabulary and spelling, attention to variety and precision can further elevate the lexical resource score. Ensure consistent proofreading to eliminate minor errors and strive for a more diverse and refined use of language to enhance overall language proficiency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable variety of sentence structures, ranging from complex to simple. The writer effectively employs compound and complex sentences, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. For instance, the use of conditional structures, as seen in "While there are some drawbacks associated with this trend," enhances the depth of the argument. Moreover, the writer introduces examples through well-structured sentences, such as "For instance, there is a TikTok trend in which many well-known individuals waste so much food just to make a one-person portion," showcasing a diverse range of sentence structures.

    • How to improve: To further enhance sentence variety, consider incorporating more complex compound sentences. Additionally, experiment with rhetorical devices like parallelism or varied clause structures to add nuance and sophistication to your writing.

  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation, with few notable errors. There is an accurate use of verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, and sentence structure. However, in the sentence, "As online content tends to be more sensational than to be educational," there is a slight redundancy in the phrase "than to be educational," which can be streamlined for conciseness.

    • How to improve: Focus on eliminating redundancies and tightening sentence structures for greater clarity. In this case, rephrase the sentence to something like "As online content tends to be more sensational than educational." Additionally, pay attention to minor punctuation details, such as the consistent use of commas, to maintain precision in your writing.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of grammatical range and accuracy, showcasing an effective use of varied sentence structures and accurate grammar and punctuation. Continued attention to refining sentence variety and eliminating minor redundancies will further elevate the overall quality of your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The view is held that influential figures play a crucial role in shaping the perspectives of young individuals who regard them as role models. While there are certain drawbacks associated with this phenomenon, the author contends that it constitutes a positive trend. Both sides of the argument will be explored in detail.

On one hand, the way some celebrities lead their lives promotes indolence and materialism among the youth. The prevailing trend on platforms like TikTok showcases influencers aligning themselves with opulent lifestyles. Such content tends to prioritize sensationalism over education, attracting numerous viewers who idealize these figures as exemplary models. For instance, there is a prevalent TikTok trend where well-known individuals squander a significant amount of food to create a one-person portion, gaining popularity in a brief span. Consequently, this significantly influences the behavior of young viewers, fostering negative actions in pursuit of fame.

On the other hand, the increasing influence of celebrities provides a platform for philanthropic endeavors on a global scale. Social media enables influencers to champion campaigns related to the environment, human rights, and emergency relief efforts. An illustrative example is Mr. Beast, the second-highest most subscribed YouTuber globally, who creates videos focusing on philanthropy, attracting over one hundred million views per video. He serves as an inspirational figure for thousands, especially the younger generation, contributing to positive community awareness.

In conclusion, despite some drawbacks, the overall impact is advantageous. People can look up to more human-oriented lifestyles rather than extravagant spending, fostering a positive shift in societal values.

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