In numerous nations, there is a growing trend for individuals to frequently discuss financial matters, such as their earnings or expenditures, in everyday conversation. What are the reasons behind this phenomenon ? Is it advantageous or detrimental?

In numerous nations, there is a growing trend for individuals to frequently discuss financial matters, such as their earnings or expenditures, in everyday conversation.
What are the reasons behind this phenomenon ?
Is it advantageous or detrimental?

In a myriad of countries and cultures around the world, discussing financial matters, including the level of income or spending, has become a prevalent topic in modern conversations. In this essay, I would evaluate the main causes behind this prevalent tendency before assessing its overall implications on society and each individual.

One of the driving forces behind this trend is inevitably the rising popularity of social media and the Internet. In this day and age, as the use of social networking sites becomes a norm for many individuals, sharing about personal lives with detailed information about quality of life or conditions of living has become exceptionally prevalent. As humans are known for their competitive spirit, the exposure to others’ personal details may spark a competition, which makes people want to share more about their conditions. Thus, in our conversations, the topic of money has been more pervasive and popular, causing unpredictable social alterations.

Although sharing about personal financial situations could provide solitary and sympathy between people with financial struggles, the development is mostly negative as it stems from unnecessary resentment and competition. As the virtual depiction of most users on social media is incomplete and not realistic, it can make other users feel disheartened about their conditions. For instance, multiple studies have indicated that people who use social media platforms for more than 2 hours per day feel that their financial conditions are not as good as their friends. Thus, it is important to understand that this pattern is perilous, at least to the mental state of many Internet users.

In conclusion, the change in how conservations become increasingly oriented around financial matters has attracted a lot of social attention. This advent is caused by the prevalence of social media, causing people to feel competitive and prompting them to inform others about their financial status and accomplishments. Although this pattern may help people with financial struggles find sympathy, it mostly damages people’s mental well-being by giving them false or incomplete depiction of financial statuses.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In a myriad of countries and cultures" -> "Across numerous countries and cultures"
   Explanation: "Across" is a more precise and formal term than "in a myriad of," which can sound overly poetic and less specific in an academic context.

2. "prevalent tendency" -> "widespread trend"
   Explanation: "Widespread trend" is a more commonly used academic term that conveys the same meaning with a slightly more formal tone.

3. "inevitably the rising popularity" -> "inevitably due to the rising popularity"
   Explanation: Adding "due to" clarifies the causal relationship between the popularity of social media and the trend, enhancing the sentence’s clarity and formality.

4. "In this day and age" -> "Currently"
   Explanation: "Currently" is a more concise and formal alternative to the colloquial "In this day and age."

5. "exceptionally prevalent" -> "particularly prevalent"
   Explanation: "Particularly" is more precise and less emphatic than "exceptionally," which can sound overly dramatic in academic writing.

6. "unpredictable social alterations" -> "unforeseen social implications"
   Explanation: "Unforeseen social implications" is a more precise and academically appropriate term that better captures the potential consequences of the trend.

7. "solitary and sympathy" -> "sympathy and understanding"
   Explanation: "Sympathy and understanding" is a more natural and appropriate phrase in this context, as "solitary" is incorrectly used here.

8. "unnecessary resentment and competition" -> "unjustified resentment and competition"
   Explanation: "Unjustified" is more specific and academically precise than "unnecessary," which can be vague and less formal.

9. "perilous, at least to the mental state" -> "potentially detrimental to mental health"
   Explanation: "Potentially detrimental to mental health" is a more formal and precise phrase that avoids the colloquial "perilous" and provides a clearer connection to the context.

10. "conservations" -> "conversations"
    Explanation: Corrects a spelling error.

11. "advent" -> "phenomenon"
    Explanation: "Phenomenon" is a more appropriate term for describing a widespread occurrence, whereas "advent" is not commonly used in this context.

12. "prompting them to inform others about their financial status and accomplishments" -> "encouraging them to share their financial status and achievements"
    Explanation: "Encouraging them to share their financial status and achievements" is more precise and formal, replacing the less formal "inform" and "accomplishments."

13. "help people with financial struggles find sympathy" -> "assist individuals facing financial difficulties in finding support"
    Explanation: "Assist individuals facing financial difficulties in finding support" is more formal and specific, improving the academic tone and clarity.

14. "damages people’s mental well-being" -> "adversely affects individuals’ mental well-being"
    Explanation: "Adversely affects" is a more formal and precise way to describe the negative impact on mental well-being, enhancing the academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt: it identifies reasons behind the trend of discussing financial matters and evaluates its implications. The first paragraph introduces the causes, specifically highlighting the influence of social media and competition among individuals. The second part discusses the negative consequences of this trend, particularly its impact on mental well-being. However, while the essay mentions both advantages and disadvantages, it could benefit from a more balanced exploration of the positive aspects, which are only briefly acknowledged.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay should provide a more thorough examination of the advantages of discussing financial matters. This could include examples of how such discussions can lead to financial literacy, community support, or informed decision-making. Expanding on both sides of the argument would create a more comprehensive and nuanced response.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the trend of discussing financial matters is primarily detrimental, particularly to mental health. This stance is consistent throughout the essay, with supporting arguments and examples reinforcing this viewpoint. However, the introduction could more explicitly state the author’s position regarding whether the trend is ultimately advantageous or detrimental, which would help guide the reader’s understanding.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, the introduction should clearly outline the author’s position on the overall impact of discussing financial matters. A thesis statement that explicitly states whether the author believes the trend is more beneficial or harmful would help maintain focus and guide the reader through the argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas effectively, particularly in discussing the influence of social media on financial discussions. The use of studies to support claims about the negative impact of social media on individuals’ perceptions of their financial status adds credibility. However, some points, such as the potential benefits of discussing financial matters, are not fully developed or supported with specific examples.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the author should aim to extend and support all main ideas with relevant examples or evidence. For instance, when discussing the potential benefits of financial discussions, the author could include examples of how open conversations can lead to better financial planning or community support systems. This would provide a more balanced view and enhance the overall argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons for the trend and its implications. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt. For instance, the mention of "unpredictable social alterations" is somewhat vague and could be elaborated to clarify its relevance to the topic.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the prompt. Avoiding vague statements and instead providing clear, relevant examples that directly address the implications of discussing financial matters would enhance coherence and relevance. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph clearly ties back to the main question will help maintain a focused argument throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the main points to be discussed, which helps the reader understand the essay’s direction. The body paragraphs are organized around specific themes: the reasons for the trend and its implications. However, the transition between the first and second body paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the causes of the trend to its negative implications feels abrupt, which can disrupt the logical flow.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the causes, a sentence like "However, this trend also brings about significant drawbacks" could serve as a bridge to the next paragraph, making the transition clearer.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for clarity. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the discussion, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument. The first body paragraph discusses the reasons for the trend, while the second addresses its implications. However, the conclusion could be more distinct, as it somewhat blends with the final body paragraph rather than summarizing the discussion.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that the conclusion is clearly marked and distinct from the body paragraphs. A strong concluding paragraph should summarize the main points and restate the significance of the discussion without introducing new information. Additionally, consider using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to clearly state the main idea being discussed.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "although," "as," and "thus," which help to connect ideas within and between sentences. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay occasionally relies on similar phrases, which can make the writing feel repetitive. For example, the phrase "this pattern" is used multiple times without variation, which can detract from the overall cohesiveness.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "this pattern," you could use alternatives like "this trend," "this behavior," or "such a phenomenon." Additionally, employing more advanced cohesive devices, such as "in contrast," "furthermore," or "consequently," can enhance the sophistication of the writing and improve the overall flow.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, there are areas for improvement, particularly in enhancing transitions between ideas, clearly delineating paragraphs, and diversifying cohesive devices. By addressing these aspects, the essay can achieve a higher level of clarity and sophistication, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, utilizing terms such as "myriad," "prevalent," "inevitably," and "pervasive." These choices reflect a strong command of language and contribute to the overall clarity and sophistication of the argument. However, some phrases, such as "solitary and sympathy," are awkwardly constructed and could confuse readers. The use of "unpredictable social alterations" is somewhat vague and could benefit from more precise language.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate more varied synonyms and expressions that convey nuanced meanings. For instance, instead of "unpredictable social alterations," the writer might consider "unforeseen social dynamics" or "unexpected societal shifts." Additionally, ensuring that phrases are idiomatic and contextually appropriate will strengthen the overall impact.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay includes some precise vocabulary, such as "competitive spirit" and "financial struggles," which effectively convey the intended meaning. However, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "solitary and sympathy," which seems to conflate two distinct concepts. The phrase "the exposure to others’ personal details may spark a competition" could also be refined for clarity, as "spark competition" is a more direct expression.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on ensuring that word combinations are logical and convey the intended meaning without ambiguity. For example, replacing "solitary and sympathy" with "solace and empathy" would clarify the intended sentiment. Additionally, reviewing phrases for clarity and directness can enhance the overall effectiveness of the argument.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors. Words such as "inevitably," "prevalent," and "competitive" are spelled correctly, which contributes positively to the overall impression of the writing.
  • How to improve: While spelling is strong, the writer should continue to practice proofreading their work to catch any potential errors, especially in longer essays where fatigue may lead to oversight. Utilizing tools like spell checkers or reading the essay aloud can help identify any missed mistakes and ensure consistent accuracy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of lexical resource, achieving a Band Score of 7. By focusing on enhancing vocabulary range, improving precision in word choice, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can aim for an even higher score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. For example, phrases like "As the use of social networking sites becomes a norm for many individuals" and "Although sharing about personal financial situations could provide solitary and sympathy" showcase the writer’s ability to construct sentences that convey nuanced ideas. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For instance, some sentences are quite lengthy and could benefit from being broken down into shorter, clearer statements to enhance readability.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more compound sentences and use different sentence beginnings (e.g., starting with adverbial phrases or subordinate clauses). Additionally, varying the length of sentences can help maintain the reader’s interest and improve the flow of ideas. Practicing the use of different conjunctions and transitional phrases can also contribute to a more dynamic writing style.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For example, the phrase "the change in how conservations become increasingly oriented" should be corrected to "conversations" to maintain accuracy. Additionally, the use of commas is mostly effective, but there are places where they could be used to clarify meaning, such as before "which makes people want to share more about their conditions." The overall punctuation is appropriate, but a few more commas could enhance clarity in complex sentences.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread the essay for typographical errors and ensure that all words are used correctly. Engaging in grammar exercises focused on common pitfalls, such as subject-verb agreement and correct use of articles, can be beneficial. Furthermore, practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will help in achieving greater clarity and precision in writing.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical and punctuation accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In a myriad of countries and cultures around the world, discussing financial matters, including the level of income or spending, has become a prevalent topic in modern conversations. In this essay, I will evaluate the main causes behind this widespread trend before assessing its overall implications on society and each individual.

One of the driving forces behind this trend is inevitably due to the rising popularity of social media and the Internet. In this day and age, as the use of social networking sites becomes the norm for many individuals, sharing personal lives with detailed information about quality of life or living conditions has become exceptionally prevalent. As humans are known for their competitive spirit, exposure to others’ personal details may spark competition, which makes people want to share more about their situations. Thus, in our conversations, the topic of money has become more pervasive and popular, causing unforeseen social implications.

Although sharing personal financial situations could provide sympathy and understanding between people with financial struggles, the development is mostly negative as it stems from unjustified resentment and competition. As the virtual depiction of most users on social media is incomplete and unrealistic, it can make other users feel disheartened about their circumstances. For instance, multiple studies have indicated that people who use social media platforms for more than two hours per day feel that their financial conditions are not as good as their friends. Thus, it is important to understand that this pattern is potentially detrimental to the mental health of many Internet users.

In conclusion, the change in how conversations become increasingly oriented around financial matters has attracted a lot of social attention. This phenomenon is caused by the prevalence of social media, which encourages people to feel competitive and prompts them to share their financial status and achievements. Although this pattern may help individuals facing financial difficulties find support, it mostly adversely affects people’s mental well-being by giving them a false or incomplete depiction of financial statuses.