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In recent years, social media platforms have become influential in shaping political discourse and citizen engagement. Discuss the impact of social media on political awareness and participation. To what extent do you believe social media is a positive or negative force in the realm of politics? Provide examples and support your viewpoint with relevant evidence

In recent years, social media platforms have become influential in shaping political discourse and citizen engagement. Discuss the impact of social media on political awareness and participation. To what extent do you believe social media is a positive or negative force in the realm of politics? Provide examples and support your viewpoint with relevant evidence

Social network services have the potential to serve as a tool for molding individuals' political narratives and citizen involvement. While people remain optimistic about this phenomenon as they will be more cognizant of worldwide political landscapes and stay tuned with the current events, I am concerned that online-based networking could be leveraged for information distortion and psychological manipulation, conceivably deteriorating into civil tension and social turmoils. In this essay, I will delve into the impacts of media platforms on citizens’ parliamentary inclinations, and elucidate why I think they are negative.
First and foremost, other people assert that with the help of the media, we are now well-versed in global politics and current happenings, enabling us to be actively involved in the political world. In the last decade, when parliamentary information remained veiled and concealed, most contemporaries were ignorant of bureaucratic issues. Therefore, the destiny of nations was held under the realms of the noble, and the wealthy which failed to assist and support underprivileged people. In this day and age, exposed to up-to-date bureaucratic news and contexts, individuals can be more knowledgeable and aware of the parliamentary as well as form their bias. That is the reason why they are enabled to take proactive actions to establish a meritocratic and republic political entity to meet their needs and address societal problems. However, I firmly believe that the disadvantages of media can outweigh the advantages when it comes to politics.
Contrary to people's beliefs, I state that comparable platforms are the catalyst for emotional manipulation and knowledge distortion whose upshot is the tumultuous social state, even civil wars. Media networking sites are the main means of communication for many parliamentary leaders to give their opinions and call for support because of their widespread adoption among the masses. Indeed, they could divert individuals’ attention for personal gain or corruption by posting counterfeit information online. Furthermore, many constituencies and voters are heavily impacted by crowd psychology theory, leading to misguided and uneducated decisions. If this phenomenon continues, it likely deteriorate into civil accumulating tensions and social turmoil.
In summary, despite the positive impacts of the mass media on citizens' awareness of political mechanisms, I contend that it could take a toll on our emotions by manipulation and disinformation, ultimately resulting in potent social contexts.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "While people remain optimistic about this phenomenon as they will be more cognizant of worldwide political landscapes and stay tuned with the current events, I am concerned that online-based networking could be leveraged for information distortion and psychological manipulation, conceivably deteriorating into civil tension and social turmoils."
    -> "While individuals express optimism regarding this phenomenon, anticipating heightened awareness of global political landscapes and staying informed about current events, I harbor concerns that online networking could be exploited for information distortion and psychological manipulation, potentially escalating into civil tension and social upheaval."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains formality and clarity, replacing informal phrases like "people remain optimistic" with more formal expressions such as "individuals express optimism." Additionally, it eliminates the colloquial "stay tuned" and replaces it with a more sophisticated alternative.

  2. "In this essay, I will delve into the impacts of media platforms on citizens’ parliamentary inclinations, and elucidate why I think they are negative."
    -> "In this essay, I will explore the influence of media platforms on citizens’ political inclinations and articulate why I perceive them as adverse."
    Explanation: The suggested changes replace informal terms like "delve into" with the more formal "explore" and "elucidate" with "articulate," enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

  3. "First and foremost, other people assert that with the help of the media, we are now well-versed in global politics and current happenings, enabling us to be actively involved in the political world."
    -> "Primarily, some argue that media exposure has rendered us well-versed in global politics and current events, empowering active engagement in the political sphere."
    Explanation: The revisions aim to reduce redundancy and enhance precision. The phrase "other people assert" is replaced with the more concise "some argue," and the sentence is streamlined for clarity and formality.

  4. "Therefore, the destiny of nations was held under the realms of the noble, and the wealthy which failed to assist and support underprivileged people."
    -> "Consequently, the fate of nations was often dictated by the nobility and the wealthy, neglecting the support needed for the underprivileged."
    Explanation: The improvements here involve replacing informal terms like "realms" with "dictated" and restructuring the sentence for better flow and clarity.

  5. "In the last decade, when parliamentary information remained veiled and concealed, most contemporaries were ignorant of bureaucratic issues."
    -> "During the last decade, when parliamentary information was obscured and concealed, a significant portion of the population remained uninformed about bureaucratic matters."
    Explanation: The changes enhance the formality of the sentence, replacing "veiled" with "obscured" and rephrasing for clarity and precision.

  6. "However, I firmly believe that the disadvantages of media can outweigh the advantages when it comes to politics."
    -> "Nevertheless, I am steadfast in my belief that the drawbacks of media can surpass the benefits in the realm of politics."
    Explanation: The suggested improvements maintain the formality of the language by replacing "firmly believe" with "am steadfast in my belief" and enhancing the expression of the idea.

  7. "Contrary to people’s beliefs, I state that comparable platforms are the catalyst for emotional manipulation and knowledge distortion whose upshot is the tumultuous social state, even civil wars."
    -> "In contrast to popular belief, I posit that similar platforms act as catalysts for emotional manipulation and knowledge distortion, resulting in a tumultuous social state and, in extreme cases, civil unrest."
    Explanation: The revisions enhance formality, replacing "I state" with "I posit" and providing a clearer structure to the sentence for improved academic expression.

  8. "Media networking sites are the main means of communication for many parliamentary leaders to give their opinions and call for support because of their widespread adoption among the masses."
    -> "Media networking sites serve as the primary channel for parliamentary leaders to express their opinions and garner support, owing to their widespread adoption among the general populace."
    Explanation: The changes aim to elevate the formality of the sentence, replacing informal terms like "give their opinions" with "express their opinions" and providing a more refined expression.

  9. "Indeed, they could divert individuals’ attention for personal gain or corruption by posting counterfeit information online."
    -> "Indeed, these platforms have the potential to divert individuals’ attention for personal gain or corrupt motives through the dissemination of counterfeit information online."
    Explanation: The suggested improvements enhance precision and formality, replacing pronouns with more specific references and refining the expression of the idea.

  10. "If this phenomenon continues, it likely deteriorate into civil accumulating tensions and social turmoil."
    -> "If this phenomenon persists, it is likely to deteriorate into the accumulation of civil tensions and social turmoil."
    Explanation: The revisions correct the grammatical error by replacing "likely deteriorate" with "is likely to deteriorate" and refine the phrasing for a more formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the prompt. It discusses the potential positive impact of social media on political awareness and participation, presenting a viewpoint that leans toward the negative consequences. Relevant examples are provided to support the argument, such as the potential for information distortion and emotional manipulation.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, consider expanding on the positive aspects of social media in politics before delving into the negative side. Provide more specific examples to strengthen your argument and ensure a balanced discussion.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position, asserting that the negative consequences of media platforms on political discourse outweigh the positive aspects. The stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
    • How to improve: Continue to reinforce your position by linking each paragraph back to the overall theme and ensuring that every example or point made aligns with the established viewpoint.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas effectively, providing reasoning and examples to support the argument. It discusses the positive impact on political awareness and then extends into the potential negative consequences, supported by arguments related to information distortion and emotional manipulation.
    • How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, consider providing more depth in your analysis. Elaborate on how information distortion and emotional manipulation occur, and provide additional examples or evidence to strengthen your points.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the impact of social media on political awareness and participation. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, such as the discussion on parliamentary leaders diverting attention for personal gain. While relevant, ensure these examples directly tie back to the central theme.
    • How to improve: Maintain a strict focus on the prompt throughout the essay. When introducing examples or subpoints, explicitly connect them to the broader theme of social media’s impact on political awareness and participation.

Overall, this essay effectively addresses the prompt with a clear position and supporting ideas. To improve, aim for a more balanced discussion, provide more specific examples, and ensure a tighter focus on the central theme.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate level of logical organization. The introduction sets the stage by presenting the topic and the writer’s stance. However, the transition between the positive and negative aspects of social media’s impact on politics could be smoother. The body paragraphs discuss the positive effects first, followed by the negative, which is a reasonable approach. However, within these paragraphs, the sequencing of ideas lacks precision, affecting the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider clearly outlining the positive and negative aspects at the beginning of the body paragraphs. Use transition phrases to guide readers through shifts in focus, ensuring a smoother transition between ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is adequately paragraphed with clear divisions between the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each body paragraph contains a topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding statement. However, the effectiveness of the paragraphs could be improved by ensuring that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea or argument.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the effectiveness of paragraphs by ensuring that each one addresses a specific aspect of the argument. Use topic sentences to introduce the main idea of each paragraph, and provide clear examples and evidence to support your points. This will contribute to a more coherent and organized structure.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases ("first and foremost," "contrary to," "in summary"). However, the frequency and diversity of these devices could be increased to enhance overall cohesion. Additionally, the usage of cohesive devices within sentences and paragraphs could be refined for a smoother connection between ideas.
    • How to improve: Increase the use of cohesive devices to strengthen the connections between sentences and paragraphs. Employ a wider range of transitional words and phrases to guide the reader through the essay. Pay attention to the placement of these devices, ensuring they contribute to a seamless and logical progression of ideas.

Overall, while the essay exhibits a basic level of coherence and cohesion, refining the logical organization, strengthening paragraph effectiveness, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices will contribute to a more polished and cohesive piece.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While the writer successfully employs words related to political discourse and citizen engagement, there is room for improvement in diversifying vocabulary further. For instance, the repeated use of phrases like "parliamentary" could be substituted with alternatives to enhance variety.
    • How to improve: To enrich the vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms and more specific terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "parliamentary," explore alternatives like "legislative" or "governmental" to provide a more nuanced expression of political concepts.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision in vocabulary usage is generally satisfactory. However, there are instances where certain terms could be more accurate or specific. For example, the use of "comparable platforms" is somewhat vague, and specifying the platforms being referred to would enhance clarity.
    • How to improve: Aim for greater precision by clearly identifying and specifying the platforms mentioned. Instead of "comparable platforms," mention the specific social media platforms causing concern, providing a more detailed and precise description.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally accurate level of spelling. However, there are a few instances of minor errors, such as "acculumating" (accumulating). While these do not significantly detract from the overall coherence, attention to such details can enhance the professionalism of the writing.
    • How to improve: Proofread carefully to catch minor spelling errors. Additionally, consider utilizing spelling and grammar-checking tools to ensure a consistently high level of accuracy.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of lexical resource, improvements in vocabulary diversity, precision, and meticulous proofreading could elevate the overall quality of expression and contribute to a more nuanced discussion of the topic.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. However, there is a tendency to rely on certain structures repeatedly, limiting the overall variety. For example, there is a prevalent use of compound sentences throughout the essay. While these structures contribute to coherence, a greater variety, such as the inclusion of simple and complex sentences, would enhance the essay’s overall sophistication.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence constructions, varying sentence lengths, and experimenting with different sentence beginnings. For instance, try using introductory phrases, relative clauses, or inversion to add complexity and depth to your sentences. This will elevate the overall quality of your writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits accurate grammar and punctuation, but there are instances where errors or awkward constructions affect clarity. For instance, in the sentence "Therefore, the destiny of nations was held under the realms of the noble, and the wealthy which failed to assist and support underprivileged people," the use of "which" is confusing, and the sentence structure could be refined for better clarity. Additionally, there are minor issues with subject-verb agreement, such as "other people assert that" where a singular verb form should be used.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, ensuring consistency throughout the essay. Review and revise sentences that may be unclear due to awkward phrasing or ambiguous use of pronouns. Consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify and rectify such issues. Strengthen your understanding of complex grammatical structures to enhance the overall precision of your writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates competence in grammatical range and accuracy, further refinement of sentence structures and careful attention to grammatical nuances will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Social media platforms have emerged as influential tools shaping individuals’ political narratives and citizen engagement. While many express optimism about this phenomenon, anticipating increased awareness of global political landscapes and staying informed about current events, my concern revolves around the potential exploitation of online networking for information distortion and psychological manipulation, possibly leading to civil tension and social upheaval. In this essay, I will delve into the impacts of media platforms on citizens’ political inclinations and explain why I perceive them as negative.

Some argue that media exposure has made us well-versed in global politics and current events, empowering active engagement in the political sphere. However, during the last decade, when parliamentary information was obscured and concealed, a significant portion of the population remained uninformed about bureaucratic matters. Consequently, the destiny of nations was often dictated by the nobility and the wealthy, neglecting the necessary support for the underprivileged. In this contemporary era, exposed to up-to-date bureaucratic news and contexts, individuals can be more knowledgeable and aware of parliamentary proceedings, forming their biases and taking proactive actions to establish a meritocratic and republic political entity to address societal problems.

Nevertheless, I firmly believe that the drawbacks of media can outweigh the benefits in the realm of politics. In contrast to popular belief, I posit that similar platforms can act as catalysts for emotional manipulation and knowledge distortion, resulting in a tumultuous social state and, in extreme cases, civil unrest. Media networking sites serve as the primary channel for parliamentary leaders to express their opinions and garner support due to their widespread adoption among the general populace. Indeed, these platforms have the potential to divert individuals’ attention for personal gain or corrupt motives through the dissemination of counterfeit information online. If this phenomenon persists, it is likely to deteriorate into the accumulation of civil tensions and social turmoil.

In summary, despite the positive impacts of mass media on citizens’ awareness of political mechanisms, I contend that it could take a toll on our emotions through manipulation and disinformation, ultimately resulting in potent social contexts.

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