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In some cities, public parks and open spaces are changed into gardens where local residents can grow their own fruits and vegetables. Do you think the benefits outweigh the disadvantages?

In some cities, public parks and open spaces are changed into gardens where local residents can grow their own fruits and vegetables. Do you think the benefits outweigh the disadvantages?

In several cities, local residents can grow their own fruits and vegetables in gardens at the expense of public parks and open spaces. From my perspective, benefits are known as encouraging healthy eating and educational opportunities, while disadvantages include accessibility concerns and land use conflicts. I would argue that the benefits are not able to outweigh the disadvantages and will address my personal views below.
On the one hand, there are two major advantages of replacing public parks and open spaces for the sake of individuals. By engaging in gardening, residents not only cultivate nutritious food but they also promote healthier eating habits and provide access to fresh, organic produce. For instance, families can grow a variety of fruits and vegetables in community gardens, which serve as a part of their daily consumption and may prevent potential illnesses due to unexamined food in the market. Furthermore, the educational opportunities presented, especially for children, are invaluable, as they learn about the intricacies of gardening, agriculture, and environmental sustainability.
On the other hand, it is undisputed that they may raise concerns about potential accessibility issues and land use conflicts. Not all residents may have equal access to or interest in participating in gardening activities, which tend to create controversial debates about whether governments should use land for gardening or other purposes. For example, in urban areas with limited green space, some residents may advocate for preserving public parks for recreational use rather than converting them into community gardens, sparking contentious discussions about the best use of available land. Moreover, the conversion of public parks into gardens may provoke conflicts over land use, if some residents prefer traditional open spaces for recreational activities, this will lead to disagreements and tensions within the community regarding the allocation of public land for gardening purposes. For instance, residents who prefer using a public park for outdoor events and gatherings may disagree and stand with various points, which tend to cause debates between the approval side and the opposition side.
To sum up, it is crucial to acknowledge that the drawbacks such as personal accessibility and land use conflicts are seriously greater than the advantages including encouraging healthy eating and educational opportunities. While there are various standpoints on whether the disadvantages can pale in significance or not, I would contend that we ought to select wisely due to pros and cons for each side's viewpoint.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "From my perspective, benefits are known as encouraging healthy eating and educational opportunities" -> "From my perspective, the advantages encompass the promotion of healthy eating and educational opportunities."
    Explanation: Replacing "benefits are known as" with "advantages encompass" enhances the formality of the sentence, using a more precise and academic term. Additionally, the phrase "encouraging healthy eating" maintains clarity and is more direct.

  2. "I would argue that the benefits are not able to outweigh the disadvantages and will address my personal views below." -> "I contend that the advantages fail to outweigh the disadvantages, and I will elaborate on my viewpoint."
    Explanation: Substituting "I would argue" with "I contend" adds a more assertive tone, fitting for academic writing. Also, replacing "are not able to" with "fail to" streamlines the expression without compromising formality.

  3. "On the one hand, there are two major advantages of replacing public parks and open spaces for the sake of individuals." -> "On one hand, there are two primary advantages to substituting public parks and open spaces for individual use."
    Explanation: Removing the extra "the" before "sake of individuals" and changing "major advantages" to "primary advantages" contribute to a more concise and refined academic style.

  4. "By engaging in gardening, residents not only cultivate nutritious food but they also promote healthier eating habits and provide access to fresh, organic produce." -> "Through participation in gardening, residents cultivate nutritious food, promote healthier eating habits, and facilitate access to fresh, organic produce."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for conciseness and precision, the phrase "not only…but they also" is replaced with a more streamlined "and."

  5. "For instance, families can grow a variety of fruits and vegetables in community gardens, which serve as a part of their daily consumption and may prevent potential illnesses due to unexamined food in the market." -> "For example, families can cultivate a variety of fruits and vegetables in community gardens, incorporating them into their daily diet and potentially reducing the risk of illnesses from uninspected market food."
    Explanation: Replacing "grow" with "cultivate," and restructuring the sentence for clarity and specificity contributes to a more academic tone.

  6. "Furthermore, the educational opportunities presented, especially for children, are invaluable, as they learn about the intricacies of gardening, agriculture, and environmental sustainability." -> "Moreover, the presented educational opportunities, particularly for children, hold great value, as they gain insights into the intricacies of gardening, agriculture, and environmental sustainability."
    Explanation: Enhancing formality by replacing "invaluable" with "hold great value" and restructuring the sentence for a smoother flow.

  7. "it is undisputed that they may raise concerns about potential accessibility issues and land use conflicts." -> "It is undisputed that this practice may raise concerns regarding potential accessibility issues and conflicts over land use."
    Explanation: Clarifying the subject of the sentence and rephrasing for precision, replacing "they" with "this practice" and streamlining the language.

  8. "Not all residents may have equal access to or interest in participating in gardening activities, which tend to create controversial debates about whether governments should use land for gardening or other purposes." -> "Unequal access and interest among residents in gardening activities can lead to contentious debates on whether governments should allocate land for gardening or alternative purposes."
    Explanation: Simplifying and refining the expression for clarity and conciseness, using "unequal access and interest" to cover both aspects.

  9. "For example, in urban areas with limited green space, some residents may advocate for preserving public parks for recreational use rather than converting them into community gardens, sparking contentious discussions about the best use of available land." -> "In urban areas with limited green space, residents may advocate for preserving public parks for recreational use instead of converting them into community gardens, initiating contentious discussions about the optimal use of available land."
    Explanation: Streamlining the sentence for clarity and removing redundancy, using "initiating" instead of "sparking" for a more academic tone.

  10. "While there are various standpoints on whether the disadvantages can pale in significance or not, I would contend that we ought to select wisely due to pros and cons for each side’s viewpoint." -> "While there are diverse perspectives on whether the disadvantages can be outweighed, I contend that a careful consideration of the pros and cons is essential in making an informed choice."
    Explanation: Replacing "various standpoints" with "diverse perspectives" and restructuring the sentence for precision and formality. Additionally, changing "pale in significance" to "be outweighed" adds clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay comprehensively addresses both the benefits and disadvantages of converting public parks into gardens for local residents to grow fruits and vegetables. It discusses benefits like promoting healthy eating and educational opportunities while also delving into drawbacks concerning accessibility and land use conflicts.
    • How to improve: The essay could further enhance its response by offering a more balanced exploration of the benefits and disadvantages. Providing more nuanced perspectives or potential counterarguments could strengthen the depth of analysis.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position throughout, arguing that the disadvantages outweigh the benefits. This stance is evident in the introduction and is reaffirmed in the subsequent paragraphs.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, consider incorporating a clear thesis statement in the introduction that explicitly states the stance regarding whether the benefits outweigh the disadvantages. This will enhance the essay’s coherence and guide the reader more effectively.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about benefits and drawbacks, supporting them with examples and explanations. It elaborates on the advantages of gardening, such as healthier eating and educational opportunities, while also discussing accessibility issues and land use conflicts.
    • How to improve: To further extend the ideas, aim to provide more diverse examples or explore the presented ideas with deeper analysis. Expanding on the potential long-term effects or societal implications of these benefits and drawbacks could strengthen the essay’s development.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains focus on the topic of whether the benefits outweigh the disadvantages of converting public spaces into gardens for residents to grow produce. It discusses relevant points related to both aspects throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance focus, ensure that every paragraph directly connects to the central theme. Avoid digressions or ambiguous statements that might deviate the reader’s attention from the main argument.

Suggestions for Improvement:

  1. Thesis Clarity: Develop a clear thesis statement in the introduction that explicitly states the position on whether the benefits outweigh the disadvantages. This will guide the reader and improve the essay’s coherence.

  2. Depth of Analysis: Provide a more balanced and nuanced analysis by exploring potential counterarguments or different perspectives related to the benefits and drawbacks. This will enrich the depth of discussion.

  3. Elaboration and Development: Expand on the ideas presented by incorporating more diverse examples or delving deeper into the potential consequences of the discussed benefits and drawbacks. This will enhance the essay’s depth and sophistication.

  4. Maintain Focus: Ensure that each paragraph directly contributes to the central argument without introducing unrelated or ambiguous statements. This will improve the essay’s clarity and coherence.

By incorporating these suggestions, the essay can further refine its argumentation, depth of analysis, and coherence, potentially leading to an even stronger response in addressing the given prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization. The introduction introduces the topic and the writer’s position clearly. Body paragraphs are used to present arguments, with one side discussed in each paragraph. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points. However, there is room for improvement in the logical flow within paragraphs, as some sentences could be repositioned for better coherence. For example, the transition between discussing benefits and disadvantages in the first body paragraph could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider rearranging sentences within paragraphs to create a smoother flow of ideas. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus, with sentences logically progressing from one to the next.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different aspects of the argument. However, there are instances where the division between paragraphs could be more effective. For example, the transition between discussing the benefits and disadvantages in the first body paragraph is abrupt. Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main point, contributing to the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Review paragraphing to ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic and follows a logical sequence of ideas. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones to enhance clarity and coherence.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes cohesive devices such as transitional phrases ("On the one hand," "On the other hand," "Furthermore," "Moreover"). However, there is room for improvement in diversifying cohesive devices. The overuse of certain phrases can make the writing repetitive. Additionally, more explicit connections between sentences and ideas could be established for smoother transitions.
    • How to improve: Explore a wider range of cohesive devices, including synonyms for commonly used phrases. Ensure that each paragraph’s opening sentence clearly connects to the preceding one, providing a seamless transition. This can be achieved through the use of pronouns, synonyms, or explicit transitional words.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 6. To improve, focus on refining the logical flow within paragraphs, ensuring each paragraph has a clear focus, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices for smoother transitions.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderately wide range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied terms, but some repetition and reliance on common phrases limit the breadth. For instance, phrases like "public parks and open spaces," "benefits outweigh the disadvantages," and "land use conflicts" are frequently repeated.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of vocabulary, consider introducing synonyms and alternative expressions. Explore more nuanced language to convey ideas and avoid repetitive phrases. For example, instead of consistently using "land use conflicts," consider terms like "allocation disputes" or "controversies over land utilization."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with moderate precision. However, there are instances where terms are used vaguely, such as "educational opportunities presented" and "intricacies of gardening." These phrases could benefit from more specific language to convey a clearer meaning.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by providing specific details and examples. For instance, instead of stating "educational opportunities," specify what aspects of gardening and agriculture are being taught. Instead of "intricacies of gardening," elaborate on specific skills or knowledge gained through gardening, making the language more precise and impactful.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling throughout. However, there are a few instances of minor errors, such as "they may raise concerns about potential accessibility issues," where "raise" should be replaced with "may raise." Additionally, there is a missing article in the phrase "they may raise concerns about potential accessibility issues."
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread the essay carefully, paying attention to minor errors like missing articles or inappropriate word choices. Consider using spelling and grammar-check tools to catch these nuances. Proofreading will help ensure a polished and error-free final draft.

In conclusion, while the essay exhibits a reasonably good command of vocabulary and spelling, improvements can be made by diversifying the range of terms used, employing more precise language, and addressing minor spelling issues. These enhancements will contribute to a more sophisticated and refined expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably diverse range of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For example, phrases such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" contribute to the essay’s overall coherence and variety. Additionally, the use of conditional sentences, as seen in "if some residents prefer traditional open spaces," adds complexity.
    • How to improve: To enhance variety further, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as inverted sentences or relative clauses. This will contribute to a more sophisticated and nuanced expression of ideas.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits grammatical accuracy, with well-constructed sentences and minimal errors. However, there are instances where the phrasing could be refined for clarity. For instance, the sentence "For example, families can grow a variety of fruits and vegetables in community gardens, which serve as a part of their daily consumption" might benefit from rephrasing to avoid potential ambiguity about whether the gardens or the fruits and vegetables serve as part of their daily consumption.
    • How to improve: Review sentences for potential ambiguity or unclear antecedents. Consider rephrasing to ensure precise communication and eliminate any potential confusion.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used correctly throughout the essay. Commas, periods, and colons are appropriately placed to guide the reader and structure the text effectively. However, there are instances where sentence structure could be refined for better flow and clarity.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to sentence structure, ensuring that punctuation aligns with the intended meaning. Consider varying sentence lengths to enhance the overall rhythm and readability of the essay. Additionally, be mindful of transitions to maintain a smooth flow between ideas.

Overall, the essay exhibits a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, contributing to its coherence and clarity. To elevate the writing further, focus on refining sentence structures for increased sophistication and ensuring absolute clarity in grammatical constructions.

Bài sửa mẫu

In certain cities, public parks and open spaces are transformed into gardens where local residents can cultivate their own fruits and vegetables. In my view, the benefits center around promoting healthy eating and offering educational opportunities, while the drawbacks involve concerns about accessibility and conflicts over land use. I argue that the advantages do not outweigh the disadvantages, and I will explain my perspective below.

Firstly, there are two primary advantages to replacing public parks and open spaces with individual gardens. Through engagement in gardening, residents not only grow nutritious food but also encourage healthier eating habits and provide access to fresh, organic produce. For instance, families can cultivate a variety of fruits and vegetables in community gardens, incorporating them into their daily diet and potentially reducing the risk of illnesses from uninspected market food. Furthermore, the educational opportunities presented, especially for children, are valuable, as they gain insights into the intricacies of gardening, agriculture, and environmental sustainability.

However, it is undisputed that this practice may raise concerns about potential accessibility issues and conflicts over land use. Not all residents may have equal access to or interest in participating in gardening activities, leading to contentious debates about whether governments should allocate land for gardening or alternative purposes. For example, in urban areas with limited green space, some residents may advocate for preserving public parks for recreational use rather than converting them into community gardens, sparking contentious discussions about the optimal use of available land.

While there are diverse perspectives on whether the disadvantages can be outweighed, I contend that a careful consideration of the pros and cons is essential in making an informed choice. It is crucial to acknowledge that drawbacks such as personal accessibility and land use conflicts are greater than the advantages, including encouraging healthy eating and educational opportunities. Various standpoints exist on whether the disadvantages can be downplayed, but selecting wisely based on the pros and cons for each viewpoint is imperative.

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