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In some countries, celebrities complain about the way the media publicize their private lives. Some people say that they should accept it as part of their fame. Do you agree or disagree ?

In some countries, celebrities complain about the way the media publicize their private lives. Some people say that they should accept it as part of their fame. Do you agree or disagree ?

The inappropriate methods that the mass media use to expose the well-known figures render them to have negative commentaries on such mischievous work. However, certain individuals contend that they should get used to it due to the reputation that they have gained. I partly agree with this sentiment as exposure is one integral part of a famous life, yet humans’ right to secure their personal lives should share the majority’s concern.

Celebrities have to frequently post their activities on the media to grasp people’s attention in order to sustain their reputation, which might be able to experience negative commentaries by the critics, which means that they can render people to detest them on their own. Moreover, certain individuals who relish collecting famous people’s personal life are often the idols’ avid fans, thus they have a temptation to search for more such secured information. As a result, such phenomena can grant the news that have well-known figures’ private information a lucrative income, which encourages them to seek for more such reports, even this can render the owner whose information is exposed get on his or her nerves.

Nevertheless, significant individuals also have their legal legacies to secure their daily lives that they don’t want to publicize. Be that as it may, certain people might argue that the media merely do their right to have freedom of speech, yet abusing someone’s private lives is illegal and it can be seen as an immoral behaviour. Furthermore, the celebrities’ companies should also have certain rules to protect their employees, for instance, a notable privacy legislation in Europe named the General Data Protection Regulation can assist the businesses to apply in the security of the public figures.

In conclusion, although the news can public certain aspects of the renowned figures’ lives on a daily basis, they should ask for the permission of the people they want to publicize the information about.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "The inappropriate methods that the mass media use to expose the well-known figures render them to have negative commentaries on such mischievous work."
    -> "The questionable methods employed by the mass media to expose well-known figures often lead to negative commentaries on such dubious practices."
    Explanation: Replacing "inappropriate" with "questionable" and "render them to have" with "often lead to" enhances the formality and precision of the sentence.

  2. "I partly agree with this sentiment as exposure is one integral part of a famous life, yet humans’ right to secure their personal lives should share the majority’s concern."
    -> "I partially agree with this viewpoint, acknowledging that exposure is an inherent aspect of a public life. However, the protection of individuals’ right to safeguard their personal lives should be a paramount concern for the majority."
    Explanation: The use of "partly" is replaced with "partially" for formality. Additionally, the phrase "integral part of a famous life" is refined to "inherent aspect of a public life" for a more precise expression.

  3. "Celebrities have to frequently post their activities on the media to grasp people’s attention in order to sustain their reputation, which might be able to experience negative commentaries by the critics, which means that they can render people to detest them on their own."
    -> "Celebrities often share their activities in the media to capture public attention and maintain their reputation, a practice that may subject them to negative commentaries from critics, potentially leading people to develop antipathy towards them."
    Explanation: The phrase "grasp people’s attention" is replaced with "capture public attention" for a more formal tone. Also, the sentence structure is revised for clarity and conciseness.

  4. "Moreover, certain individuals who relish collecting famous people’s personal life are often the idols’ avid fans, thus they have a temptation to search for more such secured information."
    -> "Furthermore, individuals who avidly collect details about famous people’s personal lives are often ardent fans of these celebrities, thus experiencing a temptation to seek more secured information."
    Explanation: "Relish" is replaced with "avidly," and the phrase is restructured for improved clarity and formality.

  5. "As a result, such phenomena can grant the news that have well-known figures’ private information a lucrative income, which encourages them to seek for more such reports, even this can render the owner whose information is exposed get on his or her nerves."
    -> "Consequently, these phenomena can bestow significant financial gains on news outlets that disclose private information about well-known figures, incentivizing them to pursue additional reports, potentially causing distress to the individuals whose information is exposed."
    Explanation: "Grant the news" is replaced with "bestow significant financial gains on news outlets," and the sentence is rephrased for clarity and formality.

  6. "Nevertheless, significant individuals also have their legal legacies to secure their daily lives that they don’t want to publicize."
    -> "Nevertheless, prominent individuals also have legal mechanisms to safeguard aspects of their daily lives they prefer not to publicize."
    Explanation: "Legal legacies" is replaced with "legal mechanisms" for more accurate terminology, and the sentence is refined for clarity.

  7. "Be that as it may, certain people might argue that the media merely do their right to have freedom of speech, yet abusing someone’s private lives is illegal and it can be seen as an immoral behaviour."
    -> "However, some may argue that the media are exercising their right to freedom of speech. Nevertheless, the abuse of someone’s private life is both illegal and can be deemed as immoral behavior."
    Explanation: "Be that as it may" is replaced with "However," and the sentence is restructured for clarity and formality. Additionally, "merely do their right" is replaced with "are exercising their right" for accuracy.

  8. "Furthermore, the celebrities’ companies should also have certain rules to protect their employees, for instance, a notable privacy legislation in Europe named the General Data Protection Regulation can assist the businesses to apply in the security of the public figures."
    -> "Furthermore, companies representing celebrities should establish specific rules to safeguard their employees. For example, a prominent privacy legislation in Europe, the General Data Protection Regulation, can aid businesses in ensuring the security of public figures."
    Explanation: The phrase "celebrities’ companies" is replaced with "companies representing celebrities" for clarity. The sentence is also restructured for better flow and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument, acknowledging the perspective that celebrities should accept media intrusion as part of their fame while also asserting the importance of protecting personal lives.
    • How to improve: To enhance the completeness of the response, consider providing a more nuanced exploration of the counterargument. Additionally, explicitly stating the writer’s position in the introduction can enhance clarity.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally clear stance, supporting the idea that celebrities have the right to protect their personal lives.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, explicitly state the writer’s position in the introduction and ensure that each paragraph consistently reinforces this stance. Avoid vague language that might create ambiguity.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth and development. For instance, it mentions negative commentaries without providing concrete examples or elaborating on the impact. The reference to legal legacies is introduced but not sufficiently expanded.
    • How to improve: Develop each point more thoroughly by providing specific examples, anecdotes, or evidence. Elaborate on the consequences of media intrusion and explore the legal and ethical aspects in greater detail.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic but occasionally veers into unclear or convoluted expressions, which may distract from the central theme.
    • How to improve: Streamline sentences for clarity, and ensure that each paragraph contributes directly to the overall argument. Avoid unnecessary complexity to maintain focus on the main topic.

In summary, while the essay generally addresses the prompt adequately, improvements can be made in terms of depth of argumentation, clarity of position, and precision in language use. Further development of ideas with specific examples and a more explicit presentation of the writer’s stance will contribute to a more cohesive and impactful essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate level of logical organization. The introduction sets the stage by presenting the issue, the body paragraphs provide arguments and examples, and the conclusion summarizes the stance. However, the transitions between ideas within paragraphs and between paragraphs are sometimes abrupt, affecting the overall coherence. For instance, the shift from discussing negative commentaries to the financial aspect lacks a smooth transition.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, work on creating smoother transitions between ideas. Use connecting words or phrases to guide the reader through the progression of arguments. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus and that ideas are presented in a logical order.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some issues with paragraph structure. While there is an attempt to separate ideas into paragraphs, the development within some paragraphs is not consistent. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses negative commentaries but also touches upon the financial aspect, making it less effective.
    • How to improve: Refine paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph has a clear central idea. Avoid combining different aspects within a single paragraph. Consider creating separate paragraphs for distinct arguments to improve clarity and readability.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a limited range of cohesive devices. While some cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases, are used, their variety is limited, affecting the overall coherence. For example, there is an overreliance on certain words like "moreover" and "however."
    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices to create a more varied and sophisticated connection between ideas. Experiment with a wider range of transition words and phrases. Ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to strengthen the logical progression of ideas.

In conclusion, while the essay presents a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, there is room for improvement in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. Focus on refining transitions between ideas, enhancing paragraph unity, and diversifying the range of cohesive devices to elevate the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is an attempt to vary the vocabulary, there is room for improvement. For instance, phrases such as "negative commentaries," "mischievous work," and "detest them on their own" contribute to diversity. However, more sophisticated vocabulary could be incorporated to enhance the overall lexical richness.
    • How to improve: To elevate the vocabulary range, consider integrating more advanced synonyms and nuanced expressions. Instead of relying on common phrases, explore synonyms and idiomatic expressions to add depth to the language. For example, instead of "get on his or her nerves," consider alternatives like "intrude upon their personal space."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is satisfactory. However, there are instances where a more precise choice of words could enhance clarity and effectiveness. For instance, the phrase "negative commentaries" could be more precisely expressed, perhaps as "harsh critiques" or "unfavorable judgments."
    • How to improve: Focus on selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Consider consulting a thesaurus to explore more accurate synonyms for commonly used words. Additionally, pay attention to context and ensure that the chosen words fit seamlessly into the sentence structure.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling, with only a few minor errors (e.g., "public" instead of "publish," "legacies" instead of "legalities"). However, these do not significantly impact comprehension.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread the essay carefully, paying close attention to commonly misspelled words. Utilize spell-check tools and consider seeking feedback from peers or educators. Consistent practice in identifying and correcting spelling errors will contribute to improved accuracy over time.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, with opportunities for refinement. By incorporating a broader range of sophisticated words and refining the precision of expression, the lexical resource can be elevated. Additionally, meticulous proofreading can further enhance overall spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple and complex sentences, but there is room for improvement in the diversity of structures. For instance, the essay could benefit from incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as compound-complex sentences, to enhance overall coherence and sophistication.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating compound-complex sentences, varying the use of clauses, and experimenting with different sentence beginnings. This will contribute to a more dynamic and engaging writing style.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy with few errors. However, there are instances where sentence structure could be refined for clarity. For example, in the sentence, "Celebrities have to frequently post their activities on the media to grasp people’s attention in order to sustain their reputation," the phrase "grasp people’s attention" might be clearer as "capture the public’s attention."
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on refining sentence structures for clarity and precision. Additionally, pay attention to word choice to ensure the intended meaning is conveyed accurately. Proofread carefully to catch any minor errors in punctuation, such as missing commas or misplaced modifiers.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and a reasonable range of sentence structures. To improve, the writer should strive for more complexity in sentence structures and refine grammatical accuracy for greater precision. Overall, this essay is well-executed but has the potential for further refinement in language use.

Bài sửa mẫu

The questionable methods employed by the mass media to expose well-known figures often lead to negative commentaries on such dubious practices. I partially agree with this viewpoint, acknowledging that exposure is an inherent aspect of public life. However, the protection of individuals’ right to safeguard their personal lives should be a paramount concern for the majority.

Celebrities often share their activities in the media to capture public attention and maintain their reputation, a practice that may subject them to negative commentaries from critics, potentially leading people to develop antipathy towards them. Furthermore, individuals who avidly collect details about famous people’s personal lives are often ardent fans of these celebrities, thus experiencing a temptation to seek more secured information.

Consequently, these phenomena can bestow significant financial gains on news outlets that disclose private information about well-known figures, incentivizing them to pursue additional reports, potentially causing distress to the individuals whose information is exposed. Nevertheless, prominent individuals also have legal mechanisms to safeguard aspects of their daily lives they prefer not to publicize.

However, some may argue that the media are exercising their right to freedom of speech. Nevertheless, the abuse of someone’s private life is both illegal and can be deemed as immoral behavior. Furthermore, companies representing celebrities should establish specific rules to safeguard their employees. For example, a prominent privacy legislation in Europe, the General Data Protection Regulation, can aid businesses in ensuring the security of public figures.

In conclusion, while the media may disclose certain aspects of the renowned figures’ lives on a daily basis, they should seek permission from the people they intend to publicize information about.

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