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In some parts of the world tradional festivals and celebrations have dissapeared and are appearing. What problems in this causing? What measures coulf be taken to counter this situation?

In some parts of the world tradional festivals and celebrations have dissapeared and are appearing.
What problems in this causing?
What measures coulf be taken to counter this situation?

One school of thought holds that in some countries of the world, there are a range of traditional festivals and celebrations which have been vanished gradually. This essay attempts to shed light on the problems from this tendency before outlining several viable solutions that should be adopted to tackle them.
There are two major issues when some events about tradition are all disappeared. A problem to discuss is the loss of the cultural beauty and value. For example, in some ethnic minorities, local residents usually organize a market-day where people could exchange, communicate and even find lovers through playing musical instruments. In the past, they played flute or trumpet, however; people in technology era are using radio or mobile devices to turn on music. Particularly, it has been changed with the development of the Internet. Gradually, traditional festivals and celebrations are vanishing so younger people have few opportunities to learn about them as well as pass down to future generation. Another problem is that the economy of country will be affected. Each nation has unique cultural characteristics which attract visitors, especially oversea people. They willingly spend money going to heritage sites and enhancing their knowledge about new cultures. Therefore, if conventional occasions are disappeared, this country will face with revenue from tourism which will decline significantly.
To combat this worrying problem, the following steps should be taken. Firstly, teachers and school play an important role in preserving traditional events. They could show images and movies or organize some picnics for students so that they have more chances to access to festival about culture. Because, in reality, pupils prefer learning by heart about historical events rather than deeply understanding about it. Secondly, government bodies also have some solution plans. They should spend state fund holding traditional celebrations, moreover; they might create a campaign to preserve them. As a result, individuals from everywhere will donate money to maintain it instead of placing a burden on that locality.
In conclusion, there are some serious consequences behind the disappearing of cultural festivals, and it is crucial that the above measures be implemented to deal with this issue.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "One school of thought holds that" -> "It is argued that"
    Explanation: "It is argued that" is a more formal and academically appropriate way to introduce an opinion or perspective, enhancing the tone of the essay.

  2. "there are a range of traditional festivals and celebrations which have been vanished gradually" -> "there are a range of traditional festivals and celebrations that have gradually disappeared"
    Explanation: "Disappeared" is the correct verb form here, and removing "which" before "have been vanished" corrects the grammatical structure, making the sentence more precise and formal.

  3. "shed light on the problems from this tendency" -> "illuminate the issues arising from this trend"
    Explanation: "Illuminate" is a more precise and formal verb than "shed light on," and "issues arising from this trend" is more specific and academically appropriate than "problems from this tendency."

  4. "all disappeared" -> "all disappeared"
    Explanation: This is a typographical error and should be corrected to "all have disappeared" for grammatical accuracy.

  5. "the loss of the cultural beauty and value" -> "the loss of cultural beauty and value"
    Explanation: Removing "the" before "cultural beauty and value" corrects the redundancy, as "cultural" already implies a general category, making the phrase more concise and formal.

  6. "people could exchange, communicate and even find lovers through playing musical instruments" -> "people could exchange goods, communicate, and even find romantic partners through playing musical instruments"
    Explanation: "Goods" is more specific than "exchange," and "romantic partners" is a more formal term than "lovers," enhancing the academic tone.

  7. "however; people in technology era are using" -> "however, people in the technological era use"
    Explanation: Corrects the semicolon to a comma and changes "are using" to "use" for grammatical consistency and formality.

  8. "has been changed with the development of the Internet" -> "has been replaced by the development of the Internet"
    Explanation: "Has been replaced by" more accurately describes the substitution of traditional methods with modern ones, which is more precise and formal.

  9. "will face with revenue from tourism" -> "will face a decline in revenue from tourism"
    Explanation: "Face with" is incorrect; "face a decline in" is the correct phrase, and specifying "revenue" clarifies the impact on the economy.

  10. "play an important role in preserving traditional events" -> "play a crucial role in preserving traditional events"
    Explanation: "Crucial" is more specific and academically appropriate than "important," emphasizing the significance of the role.

  11. "have more chances to access to festival about culture" -> "have more opportunities to access cultural festivals"
    Explanation: "Have more chances to access to festival about culture" is awkward and incorrect; "have more opportunities to access cultural festivals" is grammatically correct and clearer.

  12. "Because, in reality, pupils prefer learning by heart about historical events rather than deeply understanding about it" -> "Because, in reality, pupils tend to memorize historical events rather than deeply understanding them"
    Explanation: "Tend to memorize" is a more precise and formal way to describe the learning behavior, and removing "about" before "it" corrects the grammatical structure.

  13. "government bodies also have some solution plans" -> "government bodies also have some solutions"
    Explanation: "Solution plans" is redundant; "solutions" is sufficient and more formal.

  14. "spend state fund holding traditional celebrations" -> "allocate state funds to host traditional celebrations"
    Explanation: "Allocate" is more precise and formal than "spend," and "state funds" is grammatically correct, replacing the awkward "state fund."

  15. "might create a campaign to preserve them" -> "might launch a campaign to preserve them"
    Explanation: "Launch" is a more specific and formal verb than "create" in this context, fitting better with the academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by identifying two main problems caused by the disappearance of traditional festivals: the loss of cultural beauty and economic impacts on tourism. The first problem is illustrated with an example of how traditional music has been replaced by modern technology, while the second highlights the potential decline in tourism revenue. However, the essay could have benefited from a more explicit connection between the problems and the measures proposed, as the solutions are somewhat generic and not directly tied to the specific problems discussed.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each problem is directly followed by a corresponding solution. For instance, after discussing the loss of cultural beauty, the essay could suggest specific educational programs or community initiatives that could help preserve these traditions. This would create a clearer link between the problems and the proposed measures.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position regarding the importance of addressing the disappearance of traditional festivals. The introduction clearly states the intention to discuss problems and solutions, and the conclusion reinforces the necessity of implementing measures. However, the clarity of the position could be improved by avoiding vague phrases such as "some solution plans" and instead specifying what these plans entail.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer should use more definitive language and explicitly outline the proposed solutions. For example, instead of saying "government bodies also have some solution plans," the writer could specify that "government bodies should implement targeted campaigns to promote traditional festivals."
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to the problems and solutions, but the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. While the example of the market-day provides a concrete illustration of cultural loss, the economic argument could be bolstered with more specific data or examples of countries that have suffered economically due to the decline of their cultural festivals.
    • How to improve: To improve the development and support of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and evidence. This could include statistics on tourism revenue related to cultural festivals or case studies of successful preservation efforts in other regions. Additionally, expanding on how educational initiatives could be structured would provide a more robust argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the issues of disappearing festivals and the measures to counteract this trend. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharpened, particularly in the discussion of solutions. The mention of "picnics for students" feels somewhat tangential and lacks a direct connection to the broader issue of preserving cultural festivals.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all examples and solutions directly relate to the core issues presented. Instead of introducing unrelated activities, the essay could explore more relevant educational strategies, such as integrating traditional festivals into school curricula or community outreach programs that engage local populations in cultural preservation.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents relevant ideas, there is room for improvement in the depth of analysis, clarity of position, and direct connections between problems and solutions. By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance the overall effectiveness of their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear introduction that outlines the main issues and solutions related to the disappearance of traditional festivals. The problems are logically grouped into two main categories: cultural loss and economic impact. However, the transition between points could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing cultural beauty to economic effects feels abrupt, which can disrupt the flow of ideas. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more explicitly linked to the preceding arguments.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer transition phrases between paragraphs and ideas. For example, after discussing cultural loss, a transitional sentence like "In addition to cultural implications, there are also significant economic consequences" could help guide the reader more effectively. Structuring the essay with clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can also aid in maintaining a logical flow.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph has a clear focus, with the first addressing the problems and the second outlining potential solutions. However, the paragraph discussing problems could be divided into two distinct paragraphs—one focusing on cultural loss and the other on economic impacts—to enhance clarity and depth.
    • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones that each focus on a single idea. For instance, the paragraph discussing the loss of cultural beauty could be split into two: one detailing the cultural aspects and another discussing the economic implications. This would allow for a more thorough exploration of each point and improve readability.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "for example," "however," and "therefore," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the use of certain devices, like "however," could be more varied to avoid repetition. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices in some areas feels forced or awkward, such as "in technology era," which should be "in the technological era."
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, try incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, using "furthermore," "in contrast," or "consequently" can help clarify relationships between ideas. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used correctly and naturally within the context. Reviewing the essay for grammatical accuracy and coherence will also enhance the overall quality.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it lacks variety in some areas. For instance, the phrase "traditional festivals and celebrations" is repeated multiple times without synonyms or variations, which can make the writing feel repetitive. Additionally, terms like "cultural beauty and value" and "unique cultural characteristics" are somewhat generic and could be enhanced with more specific vocabulary related to cultural studies or anthropology.
    • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "traditional festivals," alternatives like "cultural events," "heritage celebrations," or "local customs" could be employed. Expanding the vocabulary related to the topic will make the essay more engaging and demonstrate a broader lexical resource.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: Some vocabulary choices in the essay are imprecise or awkward. For example, the phrase "when some events about tradition are all disappeared" is not only grammatically incorrect but also vague. Additionally, the term "worrying problem" is somewhat redundant; "worrying" does not add significant meaning to "problem." The phrase "to turn on music" is also an awkward construction in this context.
    • How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. For instance, instead of "events about tradition," a more precise phrase could be "traditional events." Furthermore, the writer should avoid redundancy; using "serious problem" instead of "worrying problem" would suffice. Reviewing vocabulary choices for clarity and precision will enhance the overall quality of the writing.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "dissapeared" (should be "disappeared"), "coulf" (should be "could"), and "oversea" (should be "overseas"). These errors detract from the professionalism of the writing and can confuse readers.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy. This could involve reading the essay aloud to catch errors or using spell-check tools before submission. Additionally, the writer could create a list of commonly misspelled words and practice them. Regular writing practice, along with feedback from teachers or peers, can also help reinforce correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there are notable areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring precise word choices, and focusing on spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences such as "This essay attempts to shed light on the problems from this tendency before outlining several viable solutions that should be adopted to tackle them." However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way ideas are introduced and expanded upon. For example, the phrase "a problem to discuss is" is used, which could be varied to enhance the flow of ideas. Furthermore, the essay relies heavily on simple and compound sentences, which limits the overall complexity and sophistication of the writing.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more relative clauses, conditional sentences, and varied introductory phrases. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "A problem to discuss is," the writer could use phrases like "One significant issue is…" or "Another concern arises from…" This would not only improve the range of structures but also enhance the coherence of the essay.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, the phrase "which have been vanished gradually" should be corrected to "which have gradually vanished." Additionally, the use of "however;" is incorrect; it should be "however," as it is not the end of a sentence. The phrase "the economy of country will be affected" should include an article, becoming "the economy of the country will be affected." These errors indicate a need for greater attention to grammatical accuracy and punctuation.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and article usage. Additionally, practicing the correct use of punctuation, especially with transitional phrases, will improve the clarity of the writing. Engaging in grammar exercises that focus on common pitfalls and seeking feedback from peers or instructors can also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improving the variety of sentence structures and focusing on grammatical accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

One school of thought holds that in some countries of the world, there are a range of traditional festivals and celebrations that have gradually disappeared. This essay attempts to shed light on the problems arising from this trend before outlining several viable solutions that should be adopted to tackle them.

There are two major issues when some events related to tradition have all disappeared. A problem to discuss is the loss of cultural beauty and value. For example, in some ethnic minorities, local residents usually organize a market day where people could exchange goods, communicate, and even find romantic partners through playing musical instruments. In the past, they played the flute or trumpet; however, people in the technological era are using radios or mobile devices to play music. Particularly, this has been replaced by the development of the Internet. Gradually, traditional festivals and celebrations are vanishing, so younger people have fewer opportunities to learn about them and pass them down to future generations. Another problem is that the economy of the country will be affected. Each nation has unique cultural characteristics that attract visitors, especially overseas tourists. They willingly spend money visiting heritage sites and enhancing their knowledge about new cultures. Therefore, if conventional occasions disappear, this country will face a decline in revenue from tourism, which will be significant.

To combat this worrying problem, the following steps should be taken. Firstly, teachers and schools play an important role in preserving traditional events. They could show images and movies or organize some picnics for students so that they have more chances to access cultural festivals. Because, in reality, pupils tend to memorize historical events rather than deeply understand them. Secondly, government bodies also have some solutions. They should allocate state funds to host traditional celebrations; moreover, they might launch a campaign to preserve them. As a result, individuals from everywhere will donate money to maintain these traditions instead of placing a burden on the local community.

In conclusion, there are some serious consequences behind the disappearance of cultural festivals, and it is crucial that the above measures be implemented to deal with this issue.

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