In spite of the advances made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry. Why is this the case? What can be done about this problem?
Despite significant innovation in agriculture , hunger continues to be a serious and widespread problem around the world. The phenomenon stems from various causes and this essay will not only justify this but also suggest measures to mitigate its pitfalls.
One of the contributing factors of this is the inconsistent distributions of farming practices in different regions, leading to prevalent food shortage for consumption, and increase in food import. In addition to this, the lack of qualifications of farmers in some areas and knowledge to approach modern farming techniques such as prone, autonomous irrigation systems or tractors that can boost productivity and save labor. Another factor that plays a profound impact in the increased number of individuals who suffer from starvations is the unpredictable characteristics of climate change phenomena, including droughts, , and floods have washed away produce and destroyed crops of agricultural workers who live on them as their main source of income to make ends meet. A salient example of this was the 2020 flood in the middle of Vietnam that destroyed hundred thousand acres of plant crops and made citizens have to receive donations to survive and many families are heavily in debts.
Admitted, authorities should take the leading role in supporting their residents to surpass the hardship. In the short-term, allocating national cash to the improvement of policies to eradicate poverty, supply of food should be conducted. Meanwhile, they will escape famine if agricultural facilities are provided and facilitated by those who hold power in their nations. In other words, rural infrastructures, such as electricity and water, should be upgraded by national budget for cultivation and irrigation. In the long run, investment and focus for finding alternative farming methods that can produce food throughout the year and have a less dependence on weather conditions is more sustainable . A typical instance of this is vertical farming, allowing trees and vegetables to be grown in a hothouse monitored by autonomous machines. Despite its ubiquitous implementation in developed nations, more concerns and spending from governments on it is vital for their people’s future welfare.
In summary, the imbalance of farming distributions, knowledge, and natural disasters are attributed to the ubiquity of food deficiency, however, this can be tackled by relevant political officials’ actions via their rules, incentives, facilitation.
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Errors and Improvements:
"Despite significant innovation in agriculture" -> "Despite significant advancements in agriculture"
Explanation: Replacing "innovation" with "advancements" adds a more formal and precise term, aligning better with academic writing style.
"justify this" -> "address this"
Explanation: "Justify" may imply defending or proving something, whereas "address" is more appropriate for discussing the causes of hunger and proposing solutions.
"mitigate its pitfalls" -> "alleviate its challenges"
Explanation: "Mitigate" is a formal term, but "alleviate" is more suitable in this context, maintaining formality while expressing the idea of reducing difficulties.
"contributing factors of this" -> "contributing factors to this"
Explanation: The correct preposition is "to" when referring to factors contributing to a situation.
"prone, autonomous irrigation systems" -> "advanced, autonomous irrigation systems"
Explanation: Replacing "prone" with "advanced" enhances precision and clarity in describing modern farming techniques.
"the lack of qualifications of farmers in some areas and knowledge to approach modern farming techniques" -> "insufficient qualifications and knowledge among farmers in certain regions to adopt modern farming techniques"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence improves clarity and formality by specifying the lack of qualifications and knowledge among farmers more precisely.
"have washed away produce and destroyed crops" -> "have washed away crops and destroyed agricultural yields"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence improves clarity and formality by specifying that crops are being washed away and yields are being destroyed.
"citizens have to receive donations to survive and many families are heavily in debts" -> "citizens have had to rely on donations to survive, and many families are burdened with significant debts"
Explanation: The revised sentence is more formal and clearer in expressing the impact of the flood on citizens and their financial situations.
"Admitted, authorities should take the leading role" -> "Admittedly, authorities should take a leading role"
Explanation: Adding "ly" to "admitted" makes it an adverb, and "a leading role" sounds more formal than "the leading role."
"escape famine if agricultural facilities are provided and facilitated by those who hold power in their nations" -> "avoid famine through the provision and facilitation of agricultural facilities by those in power"
Explanation: The revised sentence maintains formality and improves clarity by rephrasing the idea.
"investment and focus for finding alternative farming methods" -> "investment and focus on exploring alternative farming methods"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence improves clarity and formality by specifying that the focus is on exploring alternative farming methods.
"less dependence on weather conditions is more sustainable" -> "reduced reliance on weather conditions is more sustainable"
Explanation: The term "reduced reliance" is more formal and precise than "less dependence," aligning better with academic writing style.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the prompt. It explores the reasons behind global hunger and proposes measures to alleviate the problem. The introduction sets the stage by acknowledging the persistent issue of hunger despite agricultural advances, and the conclusion reaffirms the role of political officials in addressing the problem.
- How to improve: While the essay is comprehensive, consider providing a more concise and focused thesis statement in the introduction. Clearly outline the main points that will be discussed to enhance clarity.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance throughout, attributing hunger to factors like inconsistent farming practices, lack of farmer qualifications, and climate change. The proposed solutions align with the established position, emphasizing the role of political authorities in addressing these issues.
- How to improve: Strengthen the connection between the thesis statement and supporting arguments. Explicitly state the proposed solutions in the introduction to enhance coherence and reinforce the essay’s stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas related to the causes of hunger, such as farming distribution, lack of knowledge, and climate change. Examples, like the 2020 flood in Vietnam, add depth. However, some ideas could be further extended for a more nuanced exploration.
- How to improve: Elaborate on the proposed solutions in greater detail. Provide specific examples of countries successfully implementing these measures and discuss potential challenges or criticisms. This will add richness to the essay’s argumentation.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but includes some minor deviations. For instance, the discussion on the 2020 flood in Vietnam, while illustrative, could be more directly linked to the broader topic of hunger.
- How to improve: Ensure that examples and illustrations directly relate to the main theme of global hunger. Connect the flood incident more explicitly to the consequences on food production and its impact on hunger to maintain a strong focus.
In conclusion, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, maintains a clear position, and presents ideas with relevant examples. To enhance the essay, consider refining the thesis statement, explicitly stating proposed solutions early on, extending ideas for a more nuanced exploration, and ensuring all examples directly support the central theme of global hunger.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonable level of logical organization. It effectively introduces the issue and provides clear reasons for global hunger. The causes are discussed coherently, with each paragraph dedicated to a specific factor. However, there is some inconsistency in the development of ideas, and the connection between paragraphs could be smoother.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases to connect ideas between paragraphs. Ensure a clear and consistent progression of thoughts throughout the essay.
- Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates paragraphs, but the structure within them can be refined. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas, leading to a lack of clarity. For instance, the paragraph discussing the role of authorities covers both short-term and long-term solutions, making it less focused.
- How to improve: Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. Clearly delineate between short-term and long-term solutions, possibly by creating separate paragraphs for each. This will improve the overall organization and readability of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, to some extent. However, there is room for improvement in using a more diverse range of these devices. Some connections between sentences and ideas are abrupt.
- How to improve: Introduce a wider array of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions, transitional phrases, and pronouns, to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. This will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
In conclusion, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a coherent argument, there is a need for improved logical organization, refined paragraph structure, and a more diverse use of cohesive devices. By addressing these aspects, the essay can achieve a higher band score for Coherence and Cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It addresses the prompt with varied expressions, though some repetition occurs, such as the frequent use of "agriculture" and "farming." There’s an attempt to incorporate specialized terms like "prone" and "autonomous irrigation systems," but these could be used more judiciously for better impact.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, consider synonyms for frequently used words. Additionally, strive for more precise and contextually fitting terminology. Aim for a balance between general vocabulary and specialized terms to showcase a broader lexical repertoire.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses vocabulary with a generally adequate level of precision. However, some imprecise word choices, like "prone" in the context of farming techniques, and typographical errors, such as the doubled comma and the extra space in "droughts, , and floods," slightly impact clarity.
- How to improve: Pay careful attention to word choices to ensure they align precisely with the intended meaning. Proofread the essay to catch typographical errors and improve overall coherence. Consider using a range of synonyms and avoiding repetition to add nuance and precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling is generally accurate, but there are a few notable errors, such as "prone" instead of "precision" and "cultivation" instead of "construction." These errors, while infrequent, impact the overall quality of spelling.
- How to improve: Thoroughly proofread the essay to catch and correct spelling errors. Additionally, consider using writing tools or seeking feedback to further enhance spelling accuracy. Familiarity with common vocabulary and careful attention to details during the editing process will contribute to improved spelling.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple and complex sentences, but some structures are repetitive. For instance, there’s a tendency to use lengthy sentences that may hinder clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as compound-complex sentences. Additionally, vary the length of sentences to improve readability and coherence. Aim for a balance between simplicity and complexity for better overall impact.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay displays reasonable grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, there are problems with subject-verb agreement ("characteristics of climate change phenomena" should be "characteristics of climate change phenomena"), and there are unnecessary commas in places.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, ensuring consistency throughout the essay. Review the use of commas, making sure they are employed correctly for pauses and separating elements. Consider seeking feedback from peers or using grammar-check tools to identify and correct specific instances of grammatical errors and punctuation issues.
In summary, while the essay effectively communicates the ideas, improvements in sentence structure variety and attention to grammatical accuracy and punctuation would elevate its overall quality. These adjustments will contribute to a more polished and cohesive presentation, potentially raising the band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criterion.
Bài sửa mẫu
Despite significant innovation in agriculture, hunger continues to be a serious and widespread problem around the world. The phenomenon stems from various causes, and this essay will not only justify this but also suggest measures to mitigate its pitfalls.
One of the contributing factors to this issue is the inconsistent distribution of farming practices in different regions, leading to prevalent food shortages and increased reliance on food imports. Additionally, the insufficient qualifications and knowledge among farmers in certain areas hinder the adoption of modern farming techniques, such as advanced, autonomous irrigation systems or tractors that can boost productivity and save labor.
Another significant factor contributing to the increased number of individuals suffering from starvation is the unpredictable characteristics of climate change phenomena. Droughts, floods, and other climate-related events have washed away crops and destroyed agricultural yields, especially for those whose main source of income depends on farming. A salient example of this was the 2020 flood in the middle of Vietnam, which destroyed hundreds of thousands of acres of plant crops, leaving citizens reliant on donations to survive, and many families burdened with significant debts.
Admittedly, authorities should take a leading role in addressing these challenges. In the short term, allocating national funds to improve policies aimed at eradicating poverty and ensuring a stable food supply should be prioritized. Furthermore, escaping famine requires the provision and facilitation of agricultural facilities by those in power. Rural infrastructures, such as electricity and water, need to be upgraded through national budgets dedicated to cultivation and irrigation.
In the long run, investment and focus on exploring alternative farming methods are crucial for reducing reliance on weather conditions and ensuring sustainable food production throughout the year. A typical example of this is vertical farming, allowing trees and vegetables to be grown in a controlled environment monitored by autonomous machines. Despite its widespread implementation in developed nations, more attention and spending from governments are vital for the future welfare of their people.
In summary, the imbalance in farming distributions, knowledge, and natural disasters contributes to the ubiquity of food deficiency. However, this issue can be effectively tackled by the actions of relevant political officials through the implementation of rules, incentives, and facilitation.