In the past, most people used to travel to their place of work. With increased use of computers, the Internet and smartphones, more and more people are starting to work from home. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of this development? Write an essay to discuss whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of working from home. Include reasons and any relevant examples to support your answer. You should write at least 250 words. Your response will be evaluated in terms of Task Fulfilment, Organisation, Vocabulary and Grammar.
In the past, most people used to travel to their place of work. With increased use of computers, the Internet and smartphones, more and more people are starting to work from home. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of this development?
Write an essay to discuss whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of working from home. Include reasons and any relevant examples to support your answer.
You should write at least 250 words. Your response will be evaluated in terms of Task Fulfilment, Organisation, Vocabulary and Grammar.
Recent decades have witnessed a great multitude of people holding the idea that there is an increasing number of individuals working from home thanks to the development of technological devices. Proponents of this trend feel that it brings advantages to citizens; meanwhile, others have reservation about this phenomenon, arguing that the disadvantages outweigh the other. Personally, I am inclined to endorse the former perspective.
On the one hand, there is a variety of merits that this improvisation has on people. The first primary one is saving time and money. In a little more detail, individuals can stay at their accommodation to work without commuting for long distance. Which helps them save traveling fee and time effectively. Furthermore, this system can be useful when they unable to go to the workspace. To be more specific, citizens have the ability to work remotely in some special cases such as their illness or pandemic all around the world. This positively protects them from the epidemic and obey the government’s rules. For instance, in the COVID-19 period, although citizens in countries were not allowed to do their job at the office, they still finished their workload thanks to the convenience of the Internet.
On the other hand, there are persuasive arguments in favour of this situation. One of the core elements is that working from home may develop a number of mental disturbances. In other words, people who work from home have to do task lonely and do not step out of the apartment to meet others in general. Which can negatively leads to their anxiety. Another aspect is the lack of exploration. In particular, individuals dealing with deadlines in long distance may not have enough opportunities to explore and gain practical knowledge from outside environment. As a result, they can reduce their social skills such as communication or managing ability.
All things considered, there is no doubt that the reasons appear valid on both sides, yet my opinion leans towards the advantages outweighting the demerits of mentioned development.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
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"great multitude of people" -> "a significant number of individuals"
Explanation: "Great multitude" is overly grandiose and not commonly used in academic writing. "A significant number of individuals" is more precise and aligns better with formal language. -
"holding the idea that" -> "believing that"
Explanation: "Holding the idea that" is a bit informal. "Believing that" is a more direct and academically appropriate alternative. -
"thanks to" -> "due to"
Explanation: "Thanks to" is slightly informal. "Due to" is a more formal and commonly used phrase in academic writing. -
"Proponents of this trend feel" -> "Advocates of this trend argue"
Explanation: "Feel" is too subjective for academic writing. "Advocates of this trend argue" is more formal and reflects a stronger position. -
"have reservation about" -> "have reservations about"
Explanation: "Reservation" should be plural to match the subject "others." Pluralizing it maintains grammatical correctness. -
"the disadvantages outweigh the other" -> "the disadvantages outweigh the advantages"
Explanation: "The other" is unclear in this context. Replacing it with "the advantages" clarifies the comparison being made. -
"saving time and money" -> "saving both time and money"
Explanation: Adding "both" clarifies that both time and money are being saved. -
"In a little more detail" -> "To elaborate"
Explanation: "In a little more detail" is unnecessarily wordy. "To elaborate" is more concise and maintains clarity. -
"individuals can stay at their accommodation" -> "individuals can work from their homes"
Explanation: "Accommodation" is a bit formal and less commonly used in this context. "Homes" is a simpler and more direct term. -
"commuting for long distance" -> "commuting long distances"
Explanation: "Commuting for long distance" is awkward phrasing. "Commuting long distances" is more concise and grammatically correct. -
"Which helps them save traveling fee and time effectively" -> "This helps them save on travel expenses and time."
Explanation: Simplifying the sentence structure and using "on" instead of "of" improves clarity and conciseness. -
"Furthermore, this system can be useful when they unable to go to the workspace" -> "Furthermore, this system can be useful when individuals are unable to go to their workplace."
Explanation: "Unable to go to the workspace" is awkward phrasing. "Workplace" is a more common term in this context. -
"To be more specific" -> "Specifically"
Explanation: "To be more specific" is redundant in this context. "Specifically" is more concise and maintains clarity. -
"citizens have the ability to work remotely" -> "individuals have the ability to work remotely"
Explanation: "Citizens" is overly broad; "individuals" is more precise and inclusive. -
"in some special cases such as their illness or pandemic all around the world" -> "in special cases such as illness or global pandemics"
Explanation: The original phrase is wordy and awkward. Simplifying it improves clarity and conciseness. -
"This positively protects them from the epidemic and obey the government’s rules" -> "This helps protect them from epidemics and ensures compliance with government regulations."
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and removing unnecessary words improves readability. -
"For instance, in the COVID-19 period" -> "For instance, during the COVID-19 pandemic"
Explanation: "COVID-19 period" is less precise than "COVID-19 pandemic" and may not be clear to all readers. -
"they still finished their workload thanks to the convenience of the Internet" -> "they were still able to complete their work due to the convenience of the Internet"
Explanation: Replacing "thanks to" with "due to" and adding "were able to" improves formality and clarity. -
"there are persuasive arguments in favour of this situation" -> "compelling arguments support this situation"
Explanation: "Persuasive" is slightly informal. "Compelling" is a more formal synonym. -
"may develop a number of mental disturbances" -> "may lead to various mental health issues"
Explanation: "Mental disturbances" is less precise than "mental health issues" and may sound stigmatizing. -
"In other words" -> "Additionally"
Explanation: "In other words" is unnecessary here. "Additionally" adds clarity without redundancy. -
"do task lonely" -> "work in isolation"
Explanation: "Do task lonely" is grammatically incorrect. "Work in isolation" is a more appropriate phrase. -
"do not step out of the apartment to meet others in general" -> "do not interact with others outside their homes"
Explanation: "Step out of the apartment to meet others in general" is awkward and unclear. "Interact with others outside their homes" is more concise and clear. -
"Which can negatively leads to their anxiety" -> "This can lead to increased anxiety."
Explanation: Correcting the grammar and structure for clarity and conciseness. -
"Another aspect is the lack of exploration" -> "Another concern is the limited opportunity for exploration"
Explanation: "Lack of exploration" is slightly informal. "Limited opportunity for exploration" is more precise and formal. -
"individuals dealing with deadlines in long distance" -> "individuals managing remote deadlines"
Explanation: "Dealing with deadlines in long distance" is unclear. "Managing remote deadlines" is more specific and clearer. -
"All things considered" -> "In conclusion"
Explanation: "All things considered" is a bit informal. "In conclusion" signals the end of the argument more formally.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both the advantages and disadvantages of working from home. It discusses saving time and money, convenience during special circumstances like illness or pandemic, but it lacks depth in analyzing how these advantages outweigh the disadvantages. The conclusion does attempt to state a position but could be clearer and more directly related to the prompt.
- How to improve: To improve, provide a more balanced and detailed analysis of both sides of the argument. Ensure that the conclusion clearly states and supports whether the advantages indeed outweigh the disadvantages.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer’s position is somewhat clear throughout the essay, leaning towards the advantages of working from home. However, the position could be more explicitly stated and consistently reinforced throughout the body paragraphs.
- How to improve: Clearly state the position in the introduction and reinforce this stance throughout the essay, providing strong supporting arguments.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks sufficient elaboration and support. For instance, the advantages of saving time and money and working during special circumstances are briefly mentioned but not deeply explored or substantiated with specific examples or evidence.
- How to improve: Extend each idea by providing specific examples, data, or anecdotes. Develop arguments further with detailed explanations and logical reasoning.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic but could benefit from a more focused and nuanced discussion of the advantages and disadvantages of working from home. There are moments where the discussion seems slightly off-topic, such as the mention of mental disturbances without a direct link to the overall argument.
- How to improve: Ensure every point directly relates to the prompt question. Avoid introducing tangential ideas that distract from the main argument.
In summary, while the essay attempts to address the prompt and presents a somewhat clear position, there is room for improvement in depth of analysis, clarity of stance, development of ideas, and maintaining focus on the topic throughout. Strengthening these areas would enhance the overall coherence and persuasiveness of the response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt at organization, with a discernible introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, the organization lacks consistency and coherence. For instance, the introduction starts with a general statement about the increasing trend of working from home but does not smoothly transition into the specific advantages and disadvantages. Additionally, the body paragraphs discuss advantages and disadvantages separately but lack a clear progression of ideas within each paragraph.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, it’s crucial to have a clear and coherent structure throughout the essay. Begin with a concise introduction that introduces the topic and outlines the main points to be discussed. Ensure that each body paragraph focuses on one main idea, providing supporting evidence and examples. Use transition words and phrases to guide the reader through the essay and create a smooth flow between ideas.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs to organize ideas but falls short in terms of structure and effectiveness. Each paragraph should ideally focus on one main idea or argument, followed by supporting details or examples. However, some paragraphs in this essay contain multiple ideas without clear transitions, leading to confusion and a lack of coherence.
- How to improve: Focus on structuring paragraphs effectively by introducing a clear topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph to convey its main idea. Provide supporting evidence and examples to develop the idea further, ensuring that all sentences within the paragraph relate directly to the main topic. Use transition words and phrases to create coherence between paragraphs and guide the reader through the essay seamlessly.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay makes an attempt to use cohesive devices such as transition words and phrases to connect ideas within and between sentences. However, the variety and effectiveness of these cohesive devices are limited. Some sentences lack clear connections, leading to disjointed writing and a lack of cohesion.
- How to improve: Increase the use of a diverse range of cohesive devices to enhance coherence and cohesion in the essay. Include transitional words and phrases such as "furthermore," "on the other hand," "however," and "as a result" to link ideas and create a smooth flow of information. Additionally, use pronouns and referencing words effectively to ensure clarity and coherence within sentences and paragraphs. Practice integrating cohesive devices seamlessly into the essay to improve overall coherence and cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempt to use varied language. However, there are instances where vocabulary repetition occurs ("advantages," "development," "individuals," etc.), and some phrases lack sophistication ("little more detail," "special cases such as," "in the COVID-19 period").
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, strive for more diverse synonyms and expressions. Instead of repetitive phrases, consider alternatives that convey a deeper understanding of the topic. For example, instead of "individuals," you could use "professionals," "employees," or "workers." Additionally, explore idiomatic expressions and academic vocabulary to elevate the essay’s lexical richness.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary precisely, but there are instances of imprecise word choice that weaken the impact of the arguments. For instance, "perspective" is used instead of "opinion" or "viewpoint," and "improvisation" is not the most precise term for describing the trend of working from home.
- How to improve: Aim for greater precision in word choice to convey ideas more accurately. Utilize a thesaurus or language learning resources to explore nuanced meanings of words. Additionally, consider the context in which certain words are used to ensure they align with the intended message. For example, instead of "improvisation," consider using "adaptation" or "transition" to better capture the evolution of remote work practices.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates basic spelling accuracy, but there are several instances of spelling errors throughout ("improvisation," "outweighting," "disturbances," etc.). These errors detract from the overall professionalism and clarity of the essay.
- How to improve: Prioritize proofreading to identify and correct spelling errors. Utilize spell-checking tools available in word processing software or online platforms. Additionally, practice spelling commonly used words to improve accuracy over time. Developing a habit of revising and editing written work can significantly enhance spelling proficiency.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates competence in vocabulary usage and spelling, there is room for improvement in expanding vocabulary range, using words more precisely, and ensuring consistent spelling accuracy. By actively incorporating these suggestions, the essay can achieve a higher band score for Lexical Resource.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a mixture of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and sophistication of structures used. For instance, there is a tendency towards repetitive sentence structures, such as starting multiple sentences with "On the one hand" and "On the other hand". Additionally, some sentences lack complexity and could benefit from more intricate structures to enhance readability and coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and effectiveness of the essay, consider incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures. Experiment with using subordinate clauses, participial phrases, and inversion to add complexity and depth to your writing. Vary the length and structure of your sentences to maintain reader engagement and improve overall cohesion.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay demonstrates a generally sound grasp of grammar and punctuation, there are notable instances of errors throughout the text. For example, there are inconsistencies in subject-verb agreement ("there is an increasing number of individuals working from home") and tense usage ("this improvisation has on people" should be "this innovation has on people"). Additionally, punctuation errors, such as missing commas before introductory phrases ("On the one hand") and run-on sentences, detract from the overall clarity and coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, consider conducting thorough proofreading and editing to identify and correct errors. Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper comma usage. Utilize resources such as grammar guides and style manuals to reinforce understanding of grammatical rules and conventions. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to further refine your writing skills.
Bài sửa mẫu
In recent decades, there has been a significant increase in the number of individuals opting to work from home, thanks to the advancements in technology. Advocates of this trend argue that it brings various benefits to individuals, while others have reservations about it, claiming that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. Personally, I am inclined to endorse the former perspective.
On the one hand, there are several advantages to this trend. Firstly, it allows individuals to save both time and money. Specifically, individuals can work from their homes without having to commute long distances, thus saving on travel expenses and time. Furthermore, this system can be useful when individuals are unable to go to their workplace, such as during illness or global pandemics. This helps protect them from epidemics and ensures compliance with government regulations. For instance, during the COVID-19 pandemic, they were still able to complete their work due to the convenience of the Internet.
On the other hand, there are concerns that working from home may lead to various mental health issues. Additionally, individuals may work in isolation and not interact with others outside their homes, which can lead to increased anxiety. Another concern is the limited opportunity for exploration, particularly for individuals managing remote deadlines. They may not have enough opportunities to explore and gain practical knowledge from the outside environment, which can negatively impact their social skills.
In conclusion, while there are valid arguments on both sides, my opinion leans towards the advantages outweighing the disadvantages of this development.
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