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Individuals can do nothing to change society. New developments can be only brought about by governments and large institutions. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Individuals can do nothing to change society. New developments can be only brought about by governments and large institutions. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is a common belief that citizens can not lead to transformation in the sociaty because new innovation can be brought about by state, local authorize or huge enterprise. While I understand some people agree with this oppion, but I am not complete agree with this for a few reason.
Admittedly, most of us see that the government and large organizations work together to make social security policies very good, ensuring minimum essential needs for people. For example, creating jobs for people, developing social insurance policies, health insurance, health care, food, education, entertainment activities, cooperation, community sponsorship, helping people in difficult situations and poverty. Law is a tool for the government to create fairer and better policies for people to follow.
Nevertheless, I believe that some people or individuals also have the power to change the development of society.
For example, in the case of Mark Zuckerberg, he and his colleagues developed Facebook, a social network with a large number of users in the world, helping people connect with each other. Even though there is no longer any contact information have been lost for a long time. Facebook also helps connect many people around the world closer together, more flatly, and continuously updates information changes! Different from the old traditional way of communicating and connecting, such as writing letters by post or email!
Sometimes individual inventions have a certain influence on society, especially in the field of digital technology and the internet, which changes society very quickly, with both beneficial and harmful aspects. Even governments or large organizations must flexibly adjust policies or promulgate laws in accordance with technological or social developments.
In conclusion, while the government and large businesses have many advantages in terms of power and support tools to influence changes in social development, individuals also have a certain role to play in making changes in society. Change that by contributing your inventions and initiatives. Finally, individuals with outstanding achievements and influence should work together with the government or large organizations to create a better and more progressive change in society.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "can not" -> "cannot"
    Explanation: Replacing "can not" with "cannot" is a more formal and correct form of negation.

  2. "oppion" -> "opinion"
    Explanation: Correcting the misspelled word "oppion" to "opinion" is essential for maintaining proper academic writing.

  3. "but I am not complete agree" -> "but I do not completely agree"
    Explanation: Using "complete" in this context is not suitable. Replacing it with "completely" and rephrasing the sentence makes it more grammatically correct and formal.

  4. "very good" -> "highly effective"
    Explanation: Substituting "very good" with "highly effective" elevates the level of formality and precision in the description.

  5. "social security policies very good" -> "social welfare policies highly effective"
    Explanation: This change replaces the informal "social security policies very good" with a more precise and formal expression, "social welfare policies highly effective."

  6. "Admittedly" -> "However"
    Explanation: "Admittedly" is a bit informal for academic writing. Replacing it with "However" maintains the formality of the essay.

  7. "minimum essential needs" -> "basic necessities"
    Explanation: "Basic necessities" is a more formal and appropriate term for academic writing than "minimum essential needs."

  8. "cooperation" -> "collaboration"
    Explanation: "Collaboration" is a more academically appropriate term for describing working together.

  9. "Nevertheless" -> "Nonetheless"
    Explanation: "Nevertheless" is a bit informal. "Nonetheless" is a more formal synonym that suits academic writing.

  10. "individuals also have the power" -> "individuals also possess the capability"
    Explanation: Replacing "have the power" with "possess the capability" enhances the formality and precision of the statement.

  11. "there is no longer any contact information have been lost" -> "contact information has not been lost for a long time"
    Explanation: The original sentence is awkward and unclear. The suggested revision clarifies the meaning and maintains formality.

  12. "more flatly" -> "more evenly"
    Explanation: "More evenly" is a better choice for describing how people are connected in a formal context.

  13. "information changes" -> "information updates"
    Explanation: "Information updates" is a more precise and formal way to describe changes in information.

  14. "flexibly adjust policies" -> "flexibly adapt policies"
    Explanation: "Adapt policies" is a more suitable term for describing how policies should respond to changes in technology and society.

  15. "individuals with outstanding achievements and influence" -> "individuals with remarkable accomplishments and influence"
    Explanation: "Remarkable accomplishments" is a more formal and specific phrase compared to "outstanding achievements."

  16. "better and more progressive change" -> "positive and progressive changes"
    Explanation: The suggested change enhances clarity and formality by using "positive and progressive changes" instead of "better and more progressive change."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does address all parts of the question by discussing both the role of governments and large institutions and the potential for individuals to bring about change in society.
    • How to improve: While the essay addresses both aspects, it could benefit from a more explicit and structured approach to discuss each part in a balanced manner. Consider dedicating separate paragraphs to each aspect for clarity.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position throughout. The author believes that individuals can also contribute to societal change alongside governments and large organizations.
    • How to improve: No improvements needed in this aspect.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents, extends, and supports ideas adequately. It provides an example of Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook as evidence of individual impact on society, which is relevant and helps to illustrate the point.
    • How to improve: To further enhance this aspect, you could include more diverse examples and elaborate on the harmful aspects of technological and social changes brought about by individuals to provide a more balanced perspective.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the role of both governments and individuals in societal change. However, there are some language issues and minor deviations from the topic.
    • How to improve: To improve, focus on improving grammar and language use to make the essay clearer and more concise. Avoid minor tangential discussions and stay closely aligned with the topic.

Overall, this essay presents a well-structured argument with a clear stance. To improve, it should work on language fluency, provide more diverse examples, and maintain a tighter focus on the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically by following a clear introduction, body, and conclusion structure. The introduction introduces the topic and presents the author’s stance, while the body paragraphs provide examples and arguments to support the viewpoint. The essay closes with a concise conclusion summarizing the main points.
    • How to improve: While the logical organization is overall effective, there is room for improvement in the clarity of topic sentences within each body paragraph. Clearer topic sentences would enhance the reader’s understanding of the essay’s structure and argument.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately to structure its content. Each paragraph focuses on a specific point or example related to the topic, which aids in readability and coherence.
    • How to improve: To further improve paragraphing, consider using more transitional phrases at the beginning of each paragraph to enhance the flow and coherence between ideas. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence that previews the main idea of that paragraph.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses a variety of cohesive devices such as conjunctions (e.g., "while," "for example," "nevertheless," "in conclusion") and pronouns (e.g., "it," "he," "they") to connect ideas and sentences. These devices contribute to the essay’s overall coherence.
    • How to improve: While cohesive devices are generally used effectively, there is room for improvement in the use of transitional phrases and synonyms to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. This would further enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong ability to logically organize information and use paragraphs effectively. However, enhancing the clarity of topic sentences and employing more diverse transitional phrases and synonyms would improve the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay, potentially raising its score even higher.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but there is room for improvement. It includes some vocabulary related to government and society, such as "innovation," "transformation," "policies," "security," and "initiatives." However, it lacks depth and variety in vocabulary, and some phrases, like "creating jobs for people," are repetitive.
    • How to improve: To enhance your lexical resource, consider using more diverse and precise vocabulary. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "creating jobs for people," you could use synonyms like "generating employment opportunities" or "facilitating workforce expansion." Additionally, delve into more nuanced terminology related to government and society to convey your ideas more effectively.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary precisely, but there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "cooperation, community sponsorship" is somewhat vague and lacks clarity. Furthermore, the word "oppion" appears to be a typographical error.
    • How to improve: Aim for greater precision in your word choices. Instead of "cooperation, community sponsorship," you could specify what you mean by providing concrete examples or using more precise terms like "collaboration" and "community development initiatives." Proofread your essay carefully to eliminate typographical errors like "oppion."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally satisfactory, with only one apparent typo ("oppion"). However, some sentences could benefit from better punctuation and grammatical structure.
    • How to improve: While spelling is generally accurate, pay attention to punctuation and sentence structure to improve overall writing quality. For instance, the sentence, "It is a common belief that citizens can not lead to transformation in the sociaty," could be corrected as, "It is a common belief that citizens cannot lead to transformation in society." Proofreading and editing for punctuation, grammar, and sentence structure can enhance the overall coherence and clarity of your essay.

In summary, your essay demonstrates a reasonable but not exceptional level of lexical resource. To improve, focus on diversifying and refining your vocabulary, using words more precisely, and ensuring overall clarity through proofreading and attention to grammar and sentence structure. This will help you convey your ideas more effectively and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a wide range of sentence structures. Most sentences are relatively simple in structure, often consisting of subject-verb-object patterns. There are limited complex or compound sentences.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider using complex and compound sentences. Incorporate relative clauses, participial phrases, and conditional sentences to enhance variety and fluency. For instance, instead of solely using short sentences, combine related ideas into a single complex sentence.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors that affect overall accuracy. Examples include: "citizens can not lead" should be "citizens cannot lead," "oppion" should be "opinion," "local authorize" should be "local authorities," "connect many people around the world closer together" is awkward and could be improved.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, proofread carefully for subject-verb agreement, verb tenses, and word choice. Additionally, consider seeking help from language resources or a tutor to address common grammar issues.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation usage in the essay is inconsistent. There are instances of missing or misused punctuation marks, such as missing commas before coordinating conjunctions in compound sentences, like "For example, in the case of Mark Zuckerberg, he and his colleagues developed Facebook," where a comma should be added after "Zuckerberg."
    • How to improve: Pay attention to the correct use of commas, periods, and other punctuation marks. Review punctuation rules, and practice incorporating them correctly into your writing. Proofreading and editing can also help identify and correct punctuation errors.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates some proficiency in English language skills, there is room for improvement in terms of sentence structure variety, grammatical accuracy, and punctuation. To enhance your writing, focus on expanding your range of sentence structures, addressing common grammatical errors, and refining your punctuation skills through practice and careful editing.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is a commonly held belief that individuals cannot bring about significant societal transformations, as new innovations are typically attributed to governments, local authorities, or large corporations. While I understand that some people share this opinion, I do not completely agree, and I have a few reasons to support my stance.

Undoubtedly, it is evident that governments and large organizations collaborate effectively in implementing social welfare policies that are highly effective in meeting the basic necessities of the people. For instance, they create job opportunities, establish social insurance schemes, provide healthcare, ensure access to food and education, offer recreational activities, engage in community support initiatives, and extend assistance to those facing financial difficulties and poverty. Laws serve as vital tools for the government to formulate fair and improved policies for the populace to abide by.

Nonetheless, I firmly believe that certain individuals also possess the capability to influence societal development. Take Mark Zuckerberg, for example, who, along with his colleagues, developed Facebook, a globally popular social network that facilitates people’s connections with each other. Even though traditional contact information methods like postal letters or emails have long been surpassed, Facebook continues to bring people from around the world closer together, enabling them to flexibly adapt to information updates. Individual inventions, particularly in the realm of digital technology and the internet, can swiftly alter society, yielding both beneficial and detrimental consequences. Consequently, governments and large organizations must remain adaptable, adjusting their policies and enacting new laws in response to technological and social developments.

In conclusion, while governments and large corporations possess significant influence and resources to drive changes in societal development, individuals also play a pivotal role in effecting change. They contribute to societal progress through their inventions and initiatives. Furthermore, individuals with remarkable accomplishments and influence should collaborate with governments and large organizations to collectively usher in positive and progressive changes within society.

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