Is desease prevention the responsibility of individuals and their families or of the government?
It is many argues that disease prevention is the responsibility of individuals, families, or the government. In my opinion, disease prevention is the responsibility of all people, not only individuals but also the government.
On the one hand, the individual is the basic factor in struggling with the disease or even epidemic. Individuals are in charge of promote physical and mental promotion. We should do exercise regularly, eat fresh food, avoid fast food, or build a healthy schedule. In addition, we avoid bad habits such as smoking, staying up late, using smartphones so much. Enhance your health as well as enhance social heath because when 1 person contracts disease can spread to other people. For example, in Covid 19 epidemic, a serious disease, all people must raise awareness to prevent the spread of the epidemic.
On the other hand, government plays an important role in preventing disease. The policies of the government is crucial factor that makes successful campaigns of epidemic prevention. In covid 19, government implemented many rules such as social distance, mask everywhere, fine situations that concentrate crowded… Thanks to that policies, Vietnam went over Covid 19 with minimum dead people. Besides, government promulgates a mandatory vaccination policy to prevent contracted disease.
In conclusion, the responsibility of disease prevention is for all people. We need to build a healthy, developed society together.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"It is many argues" -> "Many argue"
Explanation: "It is many argues" is grammatically incorrect. "Many argue" is a more appropriate and grammatically sound phrase to introduce the topic, indicating that multiple individuals hold differing opinions on disease prevention responsibility.
"promote physical and mental promotion" -> "promoting physical and mental well-being"
Explanation: "Promote physical and mental promotion" is repetitive and unclear. "Promoting physical and mental well-being" is a more precise and academic phrase that emphasizes the holistic aspect of health.
"We should do exercise regularly" -> "We should exercise regularly"
Explanation: "Do exercise" is a common collocation error. "Exercise regularly" is a more direct and academically appropriate phrase, eliminating redundancy.
"eat fresh food, avoid fast food" -> "consume fresh food and refrain from fast food"
Explanation: Replacing "eat fresh food, avoid fast food" with "consume fresh food and refrain from fast food" maintains a formal tone and improves clarity by using more sophisticated vocabulary.
"build a healthy schedule" -> "establish a healthy routine"
Explanation: "Build a healthy schedule" is ambiguous. "Establish a healthy routine" is a clearer and more precise phrase in the context of maintaining health habits.
"using smartphones so much" -> "excessive smartphone use"
Explanation: "Using smartphones so much" lacks formality. "Excessive smartphone use" is a more formal and appropriate term in an academic context.
"Enhance your health as well as enhance social heath" -> "Improving personal health contributes to public health"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The suggested alternative maintains the focus on individual health while emphasizing its impact on societal well-being.
"because when 1 person contracts disease can spread to other people" -> "as an infected individual can spread diseases to others"
Explanation: The original sentence lacks proper structure. The suggested alternative provides a clearer and more grammatically correct expression of how diseases spread from one person to others.
"In Covid 19 epidemic" -> "During the COVID-19 pandemic"
Explanation: "In Covid 19 epidemic" lacks the appropriate article and structure. "During the COVID-19 pandemic" is a more formal and accurate phrase to refer to the period of the disease outbreak.
"went over Covid 19" -> "managed to control COVID-19"
Explanation: "Went over Covid 19" is an informal expression. "Managed to control COVID-19" is a more suitable and academically appropriate term to describe successfully handling the disease.
"many rules such as social distance" -> "numerous measures such as social distancing"
Explanation: "Many rules such as social distance" lacks specificity. "Numerous measures such as social distancing" conveys a broader range of actions taken to control the spread of the disease.
"fine situations that concentrate crowded" -> "impose fines on crowded gatherings"
Explanation: "Fine situations that concentrate crowded" is grammatically incorrect. "Impose fines on crowded gatherings" is a clearer and more accurate phrase regarding penalizing crowded situations.
"government promulgates a mandatory vaccination policy" -> "the government enforces a compulsory vaccination policy"
Explanation: "Government promulgates a mandatory vaccination policy" can be refined for clarity and formality. "The government enforces a compulsory vaccination policy" offers a more precise and formal expression of the government’s action.
"the responsibility of disease prevention is for all people" -> "Everyone shares the responsibility for disease prevention"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks precision. "Everyone shares the responsibility for disease prevention" is a clearer and more succinct statement that maintains a formal tone.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8 – UNDER WORD
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument, discussing the roles of individuals and the government in disease prevention. It acknowledges that both individuals and the government have responsibilities in this regard.
- How to improve: To enhance completeness, consider providing more nuanced insights into how the responsibilities of individuals and the government intertwine rather than primarily discussing their separate roles. Engage with the interaction or potential conflicts between individual actions and governmental policies.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay takes a stance that disease prevention is the responsibility of both individuals and the government. However, the clarity of this position could be improved. While it mentions the responsibilities of both parties, a stronger assertion or clearer delineation of their respective roles could make the position more pronounced.
- How to improve: Strengthen the thesis statement to clearly outline the shared responsibilities between individuals and the government. Ensure each paragraph aligns with this position, providing cohesive arguments that support this stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas on both sides of the argument but lacks depth in elaborating and supporting these ideas. It briefly mentions actions individuals can take and the role of government policies but lacks in-depth exploration or examples to support these points.
- How to improve: Expand on each point with specific examples, statistics, or case studies to bolster the arguments. Provide detailed explanations for how individual actions and government policies contribute to disease prevention.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by discussing the responsibilities of individuals and the government in disease prevention. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more focused, especially in the transition between discussing individual responsibilities and governmental actions.
- How to improve: Ensure a smoother transition between discussing individual actions and governmental policies. Connect these aspects more explicitly, showing how they complement or conflict with each other in disease prevention efforts.
Your essay provides a balanced view of disease prevention responsibilities. However, enhancing the depth of analysis and ensuring a more explicit linkage between individual actions and governmental policies would strengthen your argument. Work on providing specific examples or case studies to support your points and consider refining the thesis statement for a clearer, more assertive stance throughout the essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs presenting arguments, and a conclusive statement. However, there are instances where the flow of ideas could be improved. For instance, the transition between discussing individual responsibilities to government roles could be smoother. The essay could benefit from a more seamless integration of these two perspectives.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider establishing stronger transitional sentences between paragraphs. Ensure a clear and gradual progression of ideas, linking each point to the previous one. Additionally, provide a roadmap in the introduction to prepare the reader for the upcoming arguments, promoting a smoother flow.
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, the third paragraph, which begins with "On the other hand, the government plays an important role…", could be further developed. It feels slightly abrupt and might benefit from a more gradual introduction of the government’s role in disease prevention.
- How to improve: Consider expanding the third paragraph by introducing the government’s role more gradually. Start with a topic sentence that provides an overview before delving into specific policies. This approach will enhance the structural balance of the essay, making it more cohesive.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transition words (e.g., "On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In conclusion"). However, there is room for improvement in the variety and precision of cohesive devices. The connections between sentences and ideas could be strengthened for a smoother overall flow.
- How to improve: Expand your repertoire of cohesive devices. Instead of relying on generic transitions, experiment with more diverse connectors and conjunctions that convey specific relationships between ideas. For instance, consider using concessive phrases to acknowledge opposing viewpoints or causal connectors to elucidate cause-and-effect relationships. This will enhance the overall cohesion and coherence of your essay.
By addressing these areas, you can refine the logical structure, paragraphing, and cohesive devices in your essay, potentially elevating the coherence and cohesion to a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of vocabulary. While it includes some varied terms related to disease prevention and government policies, there is room for improvement. For instance, the repeated use of the term "epidemic" could be diversified, and more precise vocabulary could be employed to enhance the overall richness of expression.
- How to improve: To broaden your lexical resource, consider incorporating synonyms and more nuanced vocabulary. For example, instead of frequently using "epidemic," you might use terms like "pandemic," "outbreak," or "health crisis" where appropriate. Additionally, explore specific terms related to health promotion and government initiatives to make your essay more nuanced.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally accurate use of vocabulary. However, there are instances where the language could be more precise. For instance, the phrase "physical and mental promotion" might benefit from a more specific choice of words. Additionally, the term "fine situations that concentrate crowded" is unclear and could be clarified for better precision.
- How to improve: Aim for precision by choosing words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Instead of "physical and mental promotion," you might use "well-being." Furthermore, elaborate on the government’s role in managing crowded situations to avoid ambiguity. For example, specifying fines for gatherings or enforcing restrictions in crowded areas would enhance precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "desease," "argues," and "promote" instead of "promote" and "health." While these do not significantly hinder comprehension, they impact the overall professionalism and accuracy of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider proofreading your work carefully. Utilize spell-check tools and pay close attention to common errors. Additionally, reviewing your essay for consistency in spelling, especially for frequently used terms, will contribute to a more polished final product.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic range of sentence structures. Simple and compound sentences are used predominantly, with some attempts at complex structures. For example, "On the one hand, the individual is the basic factor in struggling with the disease or even epidemic" presents a complex sentence. However, there is room for improvement in incorporating more varied sentence structures, such as compound-complex sentences, to enhance overall fluency and coherence.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider integrating more complex sentences with varied clauses. For instance, try combining ideas within a sentence using relative clauses or subordinating conjunctions. This will contribute to a more sophisticated and nuanced expression of ideas.
Use Grammar Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a fair level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances of grammatical errors that impact the overall fluency. For instance, "It is many argues" should be corrected to "Many argue." Another error is found in "Enhance your health as well as enhance social heath," where "heath" should be corrected to "health." Addressing such grammatical inaccuracies will contribute to a more polished and professional presentation.
- How to improve: Pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tenses, and word choice. Proofread the essay to catch errors like the ones mentioned above. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-check tools to enhance accuracy.
Use Correct Punctuation:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates basic punctuation skills but contains several errors. For example, there are instances of missing commas in sentences like "individual is the basic factor in struggling with the disease or even epidemic" where a comma after "struggling" would enhance clarity. Additionally, there is inconsistency in the use of ellipses ("…")—ensure they are used appropriately for pauses or omissions.
- How to improve: Review the rules for comma usage, paying attention to situations that require commas for clarity, such as separating items in a list or joining independent clauses. Practice using ellipses accurately; they should be used sparingly and with clear intent. Consider utilizing grammar resources or seeking feedback to refine punctuation skills.
In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of grammar and sentence structures, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures, enhancing grammatical accuracy, and refining punctuation skills. Attention to these areas will contribute to a more sophisticated and polished writing style.
Bài sửa mẫu
There is a widespread belief that disease prevention is a shared responsibility among individuals, families, and the government. In my view, preventing diseases is a collective duty involving everyone, not just individuals but also the government.
On one hand, individuals play a crucial role in combating diseases and epidemics. They are responsible for promoting physical and mental well-being. It is imperative that we engage in regular exercise, consume fresh food while refraining from fast food, and establish a healthy routine. Additionally, steering clear of detrimental habits like smoking, staying up late, and excessive smartphone use contributes not only to personal health but also to societal well-being. This is especially evident during the COVID-19 pandemic, where the awareness and actions of each individual are vital in preventing the spread of the disease. An infected individual can potentially transmit the illness to others, emphasizing the interconnectedness of personal and public health.
On the other hand, the government plays a pivotal role in disease prevention. Government policies are a decisive factor in the success of epidemic prevention campaigns. For instance, during the COVID-19 crisis, the government implemented various measures such as social distancing, widespread mask usage, and imposing fines on crowded gatherings. These policies were instrumental in managing and controlling the pandemic, as evidenced by the relatively low number of fatalities in Vietnam. Additionally, governments may enforce compulsory vaccination policies as part of their strategy to prevent the contraction and spread of diseases.
In conclusion, the responsibility for disease prevention is a shared one involving all members of society. By collectively building a healthy and developed community, we contribute to the well-being of individuals and the broader public.