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It has been suggested that all young adults should be required to undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. Would the drawbacks be greater than benefits to the community and the young adults themselves?

It has been suggested that all young adults should be required to undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. Would the drawbacks be greater than benefits to the community and the young adults themselves?

It is true that it has been suggested that all young adults should be required to undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. However, I firmly believe that young individuals should undertake a period of unpaid work to help people in society, because the community and young people will be haven profit from those activities.

To begin with, when young people work to help society without getting paid, this will decrease a large part of investment funds for society. Therefore, money will contribute to advancing service and the infrastructure of the community or helping poor or homeless people. Besides, in the process of doing that, young individuals will develop all-rounded skills in life such as community skill, empathize skill, that are important skills. Not only that, but these experiences will help them have many opportunities to develop in the future.

For the most part, it is apparent that undertaking a period of unpaid work has a few drawbacks. When people capture this situation it will become labor exploitation and create a lot of topics to discuss about the quality of work and commitment when work is mandatory and unpaid. Additionally, young people will be under a lot of pressure from several sides if they don't do this work, meanwhile they would be under pressure of financial situations to take care of their life, but no one has empathy for them.

To sum up, it is clear that young adults undertaking a period of unpaid work should have profits and drawbacks. What it comes down to is that we need to manage this issue better to bring the best benefit for both the community and young people.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "young individuals should undertake a period of unpaid work to help people in society" -> "young individuals should engage in a period of voluntary work to aid the community"
    Explanation: "Undertake" is somewhat formal but can sound a bit stiff. "Engage in" is a more natural and active alternative. "Unpaid work" can be replaced with "voluntary work" for clarity and to avoid repetition. "People in society" is overly general; "aid the community" is more specific and formal.

  2. "the community and young people will be haven profit from those activities" -> "both the community and young people will benefit from such endeavors"
    Explanation: "Haven profit" is not idiomatic; "benefit" is a more appropriate term. "Those activities" is vague; "such endeavors" is more precise and formal.

  3. "a large part of investment funds for society" -> "a significant portion of societal investment funds"
    Explanation: "Large part" can be replaced with "significant portion" for more precision and formality. "For society" is somewhat colloquial; "societal" is a more formal alternative.

  4. "money will contribute to advancing service and the infrastructure of the community" -> "financial resources will contribute to the advancement of community services and infrastructure"
    Explanation: "Advancing service" is not clear; "advancement of community services" is more specific. Using "financial resources" instead of "money" enhances formality. Restructuring the sentence for clarity and academic style.

  5. "young individuals will develop all-rounded skills in life such as community skill, empathize skill, that are important skills" -> "young individuals will develop well-rounded life skills, including community engagement and empathy, which are crucial"
    Explanation: "All-rounded" is informal; "well-rounded" is its formal equivalent. "Community skill" and "empathize skill" are awkward; "community engagement" and "empathy" are more appropriate terms. Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality.

  6. "these experiences will help them have many opportunities to develop in the future" -> "these experiences will provide them with ample opportunities for future development"
    Explanation: "Help them have" is informal; "provide them with" is more formal. "Many opportunities to develop" can be replaced with "ample opportunities for future development" for clarity and formality.

  7. "For the most part, it is apparent that undertaking a period of unpaid work has a few drawbacks" -> "However, it is evident that engaging in unpaid work has some drawbacks"
    Explanation: "For the most part" is informal; "However" is a more appropriate transition in academic writing. "It is apparent that" can be replaced with "it is evident that" for conciseness and formality.

  8. "When people capture this situation it will become labor exploitation" -> "When viewed critically, this situation can amount to labor exploitation"
    Explanation: "Capture this situation" is awkward; "viewed critically" is more appropriate. "Will become" is too definitive; "can amount to" is more cautious. Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality.

  9. "create a lot of topics to discuss about the quality of work and commitment" -> "generate considerable discourse on the quality of work and commitment"
    Explanation: "Create a lot of topics to discuss about" is wordy and informal; "generate considerable discourse on" is more concise and formal.

  10. "meanwhile they would be under pressure of financial situations to take care of their life" -> "meanwhile, they would face financial pressures while managing their livelihood"
    Explanation: "Pressure of financial situations" is awkward; "financial pressures" is more concise. "To take care of their life" is informal; "while managing their livelihood" is more formal and precise.

  11. "but no one has empathy for them" -> "yet they may lack empathy from others"
    Explanation: "But no one has empathy for them" is somewhat informal; "yet they may lack empathy from others" is more formal and nuanced.

  12. "it is clear that young adults undertaking a period of unpaid work should have profits and drawbacks" -> "it is evident that there are both benefits and drawbacks to young adults undertaking unpaid work"
    Explanation: "It is clear that" can be replaced with "it is evident that" for variety. "Should have profits and drawbacks" is awkward; "there are both benefits and drawbacks to" is more concise and clear.

  13. "What it comes down to is that we need to manage this issue better" -> "Ultimately, better management of this issue is necessary"
    Explanation: "What it comes down to is that" is informal; "Ultimately" is a more suitable transition. Restructuring the sentence for conciseness and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses all aspects of the prompt by discussing both the benefits and drawbacks of requiring young adults to undertake unpaid work in the community. It acknowledges the suggestion presented in the prompt and provides arguments for and against it.
    • How to improve: While the essay covers both sides of the argument, there is room for improvement in providing more specific examples or evidence to support the points made. Incorporating real-life examples or statistical data could enhance the depth of analysis.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance throughout, advocating for the idea that young adults should undertake unpaid work to help society. This position is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, the essay could articulate this stance more explicitly in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Additionally, reinforcing the argument with stronger language or persuasive rhetoric could bolster the essay’s overall persuasiveness.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth in their development and support. It briefly mentions the benefits of unpaid work, such as skill development and community improvement, but lacks elaboration or specific examples to strengthen these points.
    • How to improve: To enhance the presentation of ideas, the essay could provide more detailed explanations of how unpaid work benefits both young adults and the community. Including anecdotes, case studies, or expert opinions would lend credibility and depth to the arguments presented.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the pros and cons of requiring young adults to undertake unpaid work in the community. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharper, particularly in the paragraph discussing potential drawbacks.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should ensure that every point made directly relates to the central argument. Avoiding tangential discussions or unrelated topics will help keep the essay concise and focused on addressing the prompt.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains a clear position, there is room for improvement in providing more detailed analysis, stronger support for ideas, and maintaining focus throughout. By incorporating specific examples, developing arguments further, and refining the structure for coherence, the essay could enhance its overall effectiveness and persuasive impact.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a somewhat logical organization of information. The introduction introduces the topic and presents the writer’s stance clearly. However, the body paragraphs lack clear progression of ideas, jumping between discussing benefits and drawbacks without a smooth transition. Additionally, the conclusion reiterates the main points without adding new insights, leading to a somewhat repetitive structure.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider outlining the main points before writing each body paragraph to ensure a clear progression of ideas. Use transition words and phrases to connect ideas between paragraphs, helping readers follow the argument more smoothly. Additionally, strive to craft a conclusion that summarizes the main points while also providing a fresh perspective or recommendation.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, which aids readability. However, the structure and coherence within paragraphs could be improved. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear transitions, leading to a somewhat disjointed presentation of arguments.
    • How to improve: Focus on developing each paragraph around a single main idea or argument. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main point, followed by supporting details or examples. Ensure smooth transitions between sentences and paragraphs to maintain coherence and cohesion throughout the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as conjunctions (e.g., "therefore," "besides," "additionally") and pronouns (e.g., "these experiences"). However, the variety and effectiveness of cohesive devices could be enhanced for better coherence.
    • How to improve: Expand the repertoire of cohesive devices used in the essay to include a wider range of transitional words and phrases (e.g., "furthermore," "conversely," "in conclusion"). Additionally, ensure consistent pronoun reference to maintain clarity and coherence within sentences and paragraphs. Practice integrating cohesive devices seamlessly to improve the overall flow of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates some coherence and cohesion, there are areas for improvement in organizing information logically, structuring paragraphs effectively, and utilizing a wider range of cohesive devices. Focusing on these aspects will help enhance the clarity and coherence of the essay, ultimately leading to a more cohesive and impactful argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary with some variety in word choice. For instance, words such as "investment funds," "infrastructure," "empathize," and "exploitation" are appropriately utilized. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more nuanced or sophisticated synonyms for commonly used words. Utilize a thesaurus to explore alternative terms that convey similar meanings. Additionally, incorporating domain-specific vocabulary related to the topic can enrich the essay and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the subject matter.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally employs vocabulary effectively, there are instances where more precise word choices could enhance clarity and impact. For example, the phrase "decrease a large part of investment funds" could be more precisely expressed as "allocate a significant portion of financial resources." Additionally, phrases like "have profits and drawbacks" might benefit from more precise terminology such as "yield advantages and disadvantages."
    • How to improve: To improve precision in vocabulary usage, carefully consider the connotations and nuances of words when selecting them. Aim to express ideas concisely and accurately by choosing the most fitting terms for the intended meaning. Revising the essay with a focus on replacing vague or generic language with more specific alternatives can elevate the overall quality of expression.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where errors are present, such as "haven" instead of "having" and "empathize" instead of "empathy." These errors, though infrequent, slightly detract from the overall coherence and professionalism of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-checking tools or software to identify and correct errors before finalizing the essay. Additionally, reviewing written work carefully for spelling mistakes and paying attention to commonly misspelled words can help mitigate errors. Practicing spelling through activities such as word games or flashcards can also reinforce correct spelling patterns and improve overall proficiency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:
    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, the complexity and variety could be improved to enhance the overall flow and sophistication of the essay. For instance, while some sentences exhibit relative clauses and conditional structures, there is limited use of advanced constructions such as participial phrases or inverted sentences.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer can incorporate more advanced grammatical forms like participial phrases ("Working tirelessly to aid the community, young adults gain invaluable experiences"), complex sentences with subordinate clauses ("Although unpaid, this work fosters a sense of social responsibility"), and rhetorical devices like parallelism and inversion to add flair and coherence to the writing. Varying the sentence length and structure will engage the reader and elevate the overall quality of the essay.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors throughout the text. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("young individuals will develop" should be "young individuals will develop") and word choice ("haven profit" should be "benefit"). Additionally, punctuation errors such as missing commas before introductory phrases and inconsistent capitalization detract from the clarity and professionalism of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread their work, paying close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and word usage. Utilizing tools like grammar checkers and seeking feedback from peers or teachers can help identify and correct errors. Moreover, focusing on punctuation rules, particularly regarding commas and apostrophes, will improve the overall readability and coherence of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

It has been suggested that all young adults should be required to undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. However, I firmly believe that young individuals should engage in a period of voluntary work to aid the community because both the community and young people will benefit from such endeavors.

To begin with, when young people work to help society without receiving payment, a significant portion of societal investment funds can be redirected to advancing community services and infrastructure or assisting those in need. Additionally, young individuals will develop well-rounded life skills, including community engagement and empathy, which are crucial. These experiences will provide them with ample opportunities for future development.

However, it is evident that engaging in unpaid work has some drawbacks. When viewed critically, this situation can amount to labor exploitation and generate considerable discourse on the quality of work and commitment, especially when work is mandatory and unpaid. Meanwhile, they would face financial pressures while managing their livelihood, yet they may lack empathy from others.

In conclusion, it is evident that there are both benefits and drawbacks to young adults undertaking unpaid work. Ultimately, better management of this issue is necessary to ensure the best outcomes for both the community and young people.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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