It has been suggested that students who do not enjoy academic study should be allowed to leave school as young as 13 or 14 years old in order to learn a trade such as engineering, electrical work, carpentry, mechanics, or other practical skills. Do you agree or disagree with this idea?

Recently, some individuals suggested that it is better for students who aren’t keen on academic study to be allowed to leave school as young as 13 or 14 years old in order to learn an occupation such as engineering, electrical work, carpentry, mechanics, or other pragmatic skills. In my opinion, I partly agree with this statement and this essay will provide some reasons why I partly agree.

To begin with, students should leave school because if they aren’t fond of academic study, they won’t actually concentrate on their lessons in school. This not only makes the students waste their time on the curriculum in their school but also decreases their studying results. Moreover, when students don’t study at schools, they can freely choose the employment that they are interested in without regard to others. From that, they can easily follow their passion in their own careers.

On the other hand, in the contemporary world, degrees are vital things that considerably help school-leavers find jobs easier. Because the employers will pay attention to your diplomas when they take your curriculum vitae. This is the first impression that you can express to the employers and it is a key for employers to decide to engage with you. Furthermore, manual work such as engineering, electrical work, carpentry, mechanics, or other pragmatic skills require hard-working and strong health. In addition, these occupations also need you to have enough capability to work.

In conclusion, some people suggested that students who wouldn’t like to study academically should leave schools as soon as possible to learn other pragmatic skills. In my point of view, this idea helps students to choose the careers that they love, however, it can be a hard situation for teenagers in the future.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"some individuals suggested" -> "some scholars have proposed"
Explanation: Replacing "individuals" with "scholars" elevates the formality and specificity of the subject, aligning better with academic discourse. "Proposed" is also more precise than "suggested," which is somewhat vague.
"aren’t keen on" -> "are not enthusiastic about"
Explanation: "Are not enthusiastic about" is more formal and precise than "aren’t keen on," which is colloquial and less suitable for academic writing.
"leave school as young as 13 or 14 years old" -> "withdraw from school at the age of 13 or 14"
Explanation: "Withdraw from school" is a more formal and precise term than "leave school," and specifying "at the age of" instead of "as young as" enhances the formality and clarity.
"learn an occupation" -> "pursue a vocational career"
Explanation: "Pursue a vocational career" is more specific and formal than "learn an occupation," which is somewhat vague and informal.
"I partly agree" -> "I concur partially"
Explanation: "Concur partially" is a more formal expression than "partly agree," which is somewhat casual and less precise.
"won’t actually concentrate" -> "are unlikely to focus"
Explanation: "Are unlikely to focus" is a more formal and academically appropriate way to express the idea that students may not be engaged in their studies.
"waste their time" -> "squander their time"
Explanation: "Squander" is a more formal synonym for "waste," fitting better in an academic context.
"decreases their studying results" -> "impedes their academic performance"
Explanation: "Impedes their academic performance" is a more precise and formal way to describe the negative impact on academic outcomes.
"don’t study at schools" -> "do not attend school"
Explanation: "Do not attend school" is more formal and precise than "don’t study at schools," which is informal and imprecise.
"choose the employment that they are interested in" -> "select occupations that align with their interests"
Explanation: "Select occupations that align with their interests" is more formal and specific than "choose the employment that they are interested in."
"considerably help" -> "significantly facilitate"
Explanation: "Significantly facilitate" is more formal and precise than "considerably help," which is somewhat vague and informal.
"pay attention to your diplomas" -> "consider your academic credentials"
Explanation: "Consider your academic credentials" is a more formal and precise way to describe the importance of diplomas in the job search process.
"curriculum vitae" -> "resumes"
Explanation: In modern academic and professional contexts, "resumes" is the more commonly used term in English, replacing the more formal but less commonly used "curriculum vitae."
"hard-working and strong health" -> "hardworking and physically robust"
Explanation: "Hardworking and physically robust" is a more precise and formal way to describe the physical and mental demands of certain occupations.
"enough capability to work" -> "sufficient skills to perform"
Explanation: "Sufficient skills to perform" is more specific and formal than "enough capability to work," which is vague and informal.
"hard situation" -> "challenging situation"
Explanation: "Challenging situation" is a more formal and academically appropriate term than "hard situation," which is colloquial.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the idea of allowing students who do not enjoy academic study to leave school early to pursue vocational training. The writer presents both sides of the argument, partially agreeing with the suggestion. However, the response could be more balanced. While the first body paragraph supports the idea of leaving school early, the second paragraph primarily focuses on the importance of academic qualifications without adequately addressing the potential drawbacks of early school leaving. This creates a somewhat lopsided argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that both sides of the argument are explored in a more balanced manner. This could involve providing more detailed reasons for the potential benefits of vocational training and discussing the implications of leaving school early on a student’s future opportunities. Including specific examples or statistics could also strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay states a clear position in the introduction, indicating that the writer "partly agrees" with the idea. However, this position is somewhat diluted by the lack of clarity in the conclusion, which vaguely states that the idea "helps students to choose the careers that they love" but also mentions it can be a "hard situation for teenagers." This inconsistency may confuse readers about the writer’s true stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in both the introduction and conclusion. It would be beneficial to summarize the main reasons for their partial agreement and clarify the conditions under which they believe early school leaving could be advantageous or detrimental.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to the benefits of leaving school early and the importance of academic qualifications. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, while the essay mentions that students can follow their passions, it does not provide specific examples or evidence to illustrate this point. Similarly, the discussion about the necessity of degrees is valid but lacks depth and supporting details.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with specific examples, anecdotes, or relevant data. For instance, discussing successful individuals who pursued vocational training could provide a stronger basis for the argument. Additionally, exploring the skills required for vocational jobs in more detail would enhance the discussion.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt about allowing students to leave school early for vocational training. However, some parts of the essay, particularly in the second body paragraph, stray slightly by focusing more on the necessity of academic qualifications rather than directly addressing the implications of early school leaving.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the prompt. This can be achieved by clearly linking back to the question in each paragraph and ensuring that all points made are relevant to the discussion of early school leaving and vocational training. A clear topic sentence for each paragraph can help guide the reader and keep the discussion on track.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument, with a logical progression of ideas. The introduction sets the stage by summarizing the topic and stating the author’s position. The body paragraphs are structured to present both sides of the argument, which helps in maintaining a logical flow. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the benefits of allowing students to leave school early, while the second body paragraph counters this by emphasizing the importance of academic qualifications. However, the transitions between points could be smoother, as some ideas feel slightly disjointed.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate back to the thesis statement. Additionally, employing transitional phrases such as "On the contrary," or "Furthermore," can help in guiding the reader through the argument more seamlessly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, making it easier for the reader to follow. However, the conclusion could be more distinct and should summarize the key points more effectively. The current conclusion reiterates the introduction but does not encapsulate the main arguments presented in the body.
- How to improve: Ensure that the conclusion not only restates the opinion but also synthesizes the main arguments discussed in the essay. This could involve briefly summarizing the key points from each body paragraph to reinforce the overall argument and provide a more satisfying closure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Moreover," "On the other hand," and "In addition," which help in linking ideas within and between paragraphs. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "This not only makes the students waste their time…" could be better connected to the previous sentence for improved clarity.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, using "Consequently," "As a result," or "In contrast," can help in illustrating relationships between ideas more effectively. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to maintain the flow of the argument without causing confusion.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument. By focusing on enhancing logical organization, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, utilizing terms such as "academic study," "occupation," "pragmatic skills," and "curriculum vitae." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "academic study" and "pragmatic skills," which are used multiple times without variation. The use of synonyms or related terms could enhance the lexical variety.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should incorporate a broader range of vocabulary by using synonyms and related expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "pragmatic skills," they could use "practical skills," "vocational training," or "hands-on experience." Additionally, varying sentence structures and incorporating more advanced vocabulary would elevate the overall quality of the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "students who aren’t keen on academic study" could be more accurately expressed as "students who struggle with or lack interest in academic subjects." Additionally, the term "manual work" is somewhat vague and could be replaced with "skilled trades" or "technical professions" for clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that convey their intended meaning more clearly. They could benefit from reviewing vocabulary related to education and vocational training to find terms that better fit the context. Practicing paraphrasing sentences can also help in developing a more precise vocabulary.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with only minor errors. However, there are a few instances where spelling could be improved, such as "capability," which is correctly spelled but could be replaced with "skills" or "competence" for better clarity in context. The phrase "the key for employers to decide to engage with you" could also be rephrased for better clarity, although it does not contain spelling errors.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice, such as using flashcards for challenging words or employing spelling apps. Additionally, proofreading the essay before submission can help catch any overlooked mistakes. Reading extensively can also reinforce correct spelling and familiarize the writer with various word forms.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, selecting words more carefully, and practicing spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of a complex sentence in the introduction ("Recently, some individuals suggested that it is better for students who aren’t keen on academic study to be allowed to leave school…") effectively sets the context. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the second paragraph where phrases like "students should leave school because…" and "this not only makes the students waste their time…" follow a similar pattern.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer could incorporate more varied sentence openings and transitions. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "students," they could use introductory phrases or clauses (e.g., "For those students who…," "Given that some students…"). Additionally, integrating more complex sentences that combine ideas could improve the overall fluency and coherence of the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows a generally good command of grammar, with only a few errors that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "students who aren’t keen on academic study" is grammatically correct, but the phrase "this is the first impression that you can express to the employers" could be more clearly stated as "this is the first impression you can make on employers." There are also minor punctuation issues, such as the lack of commas in complex sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences or confusion. For example, "Because the employers will pay attention to your diplomas when they take your curriculum vitae" could be better punctuated for clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and punctuation. Practicing the use of commas in complex sentences can help clarify meaning. Additionally, reviewing sentence structure to avoid run-on sentences and ensuring that each sentence conveys a complete thought will enhance clarity. Engaging in exercises that focus on common grammatical structures and their correct usage can also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision.

Bài sửa mẫu

Recently, some individuals have suggested that it is better for students who aren’t keen on academic study to be allowed to leave school as young as 13 or 14 years old in order to learn a trade such as engineering, electrical work, carpentry, mechanics, or other practical skills. In my opinion, I concur partially with this statement, and this essay will provide some reasons why I partially agree.

To begin with, students should leave school because if they aren’t fond of academic study, they are unlikely to focus on their lessons. This not only makes the students squander their time on the curriculum but also impedes their academic performance. Moreover, when students do not attend school, they can freely choose occupations that align with their interests without regard to others. From that, they can easily follow their passion in their own careers.

On the other hand, in the contemporary world, degrees are vital as they significantly facilitate school-leavers in finding jobs more easily. Employers will pay attention to your diplomas when they review your curriculum vitae. This is the first impression you can express to employers, and it is key for them to decide to engage with you. Furthermore, manual work such as engineering, electrical work, carpentry, mechanics, or other practical skills requires hardworking and physically robust individuals. In addition, these occupations also need you to have sufficient skills to perform effectively.

In conclusion, some people have proposed that students who do not enjoy academic study should leave school as soon as possible to learn other practical skills. In my view, this idea helps students choose careers that they love; however, it can create a challenging situation for teenagers in the future.