It is a good idea for people to continue working in their old age if it is possible for them to do so. Do you agree or disagree?

It is argued that the elderly should continue working if their health allows them to do so. While many people argue that it could be both benefits and drawbacks, it is my personal belief that the benefits far outweigh the drawbacks. The reasons are as follows.
It is an indisputable fact that the older people continue to work could be seen as favourable for the following sources. To begin with, continuing to work can help older adults maintain mental sharpness and physical activity. This is because of engaging in work, especially if it's meaningful or enjoyable, can contribute to better overall health and longevity. In addition, work environments offer social interactions that can combat loneliness and depression, fostering a sense of belonging and purpose. Equally importantly, though, working beyond traditional retirement age can provide necessary financial support or improve their quality of life, thanks to additional income. Therefore, they won’t have to rely on anyone for money support to live until they pass.
On the dark side, this trend could also be viewed as unfavourable. Firstly, allowing older people to remain in employment can exacerbate unemployment rates among younger workers. As a result, it affects their career development and innovation and leaves younger people with fewer vacancies to fill. Secondly, this can lead to a lack of work-life balance. Continuing to work may limit the time available for leisure, family, and hobbies, especially for those who have spent a lifetime prioritizing work over personal activities. Nonetheless, I would contend that the merits would be superior to the stumbling blocks.
By way of conclusion, once again do I reaffirm my position that despite a limited number of disadvantages, the benefits of older people staying at work as long as possible would be more significant.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"argued" -> "argued"
Explanation: "argued" is appropriate in this context, no change needed.
"elderly" -> "older individuals"
Explanation: "elderly" is somewhat informal and can be considered a bit disrespectful. "Older individuals" is a more respectful and neutral term.
"could be both benefits and drawbacks" -> "could have both advantages and disadvantages"
Explanation: "benefits and drawbacks" is a bit informal. "Advantages and disadvantages" maintains formality while conveying the same meaning.
"it is my personal belief" -> "I firmly believe"
Explanation: "it is my personal belief" is unnecessarily wordy. "I firmly believe" is more concise and assertive.
"the reasons are as follows" -> "the reasons are as follows:"
Explanation: Adding a colon after "as follows" improves punctuation consistency and clarity.
"It is an indisputable fact that the older people continue to work could be seen as favourable" -> "It is widely acknowledged that older individuals continuing to work can be viewed favorably"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks clarity. Restructuring the sentence and using "widely acknowledged" adds formality and clarity.
"To begin with" -> "Firstly"
Explanation: "To begin with" is a bit informal for academic writing. "Firstly" is more suitable.
"this is because of engaging in work" -> "this is because engaging in work"
Explanation: Remove "of" to improve grammatical accuracy.
"Equally importantly" -> "Equally important"
Explanation: "Equally importantly" is grammatically incorrect. "Equally important" is the correct form.
"won’t" -> "will not"
Explanation: Contractions like "won’t" are too informal for academic writing. "will not" is more appropriate.
"for money support to live until they pass" -> "for financial support to sustain their livelihood"
Explanation: "money support to live until they pass" is awkward and informal. "financial support to sustain their livelihood" is more formal and clearer.
"On the dark side" -> "On the downside"
Explanation: "On the dark side" is too informal. "On the downside" is a more appropriate alternative.
"unfavourable" -> "unfavorable"
Explanation: "unfavourable" is the British spelling; "unfavorable" is the American spelling. For consistency, it’s better to use the American spelling in formal writing.
"exacerbate unemployment rates" -> "exacerbate the unemployment rate"
Explanation: "unemployment rates" should be singular here. "the unemployment rate" is more accurate.
"career development and innovation" -> "career advancement and innovation"
Explanation: "career development" is more commonly used than "career advancement." "Career advancement" maintains clarity and formality.
"leaves younger people with fewer vacancies to fill" -> "leaves fewer job openings for younger individuals"
Explanation: "vacancies to fill" is somewhat awkward. "job openings for younger individuals" is clearer and more concise.
"stumbling blocks" -> "challenges"
Explanation: "stumbling blocks" is slightly informal. "Challenges" is a more formal and appropriate term.
"once again do I reaffirm" -> "I reaffirm once again"
Explanation: The original word order is awkward. "I reaffirm once again" is clearer and more concise.

Overall, these changes enhance the clarity, formality, and precision of the essay, making it more suitable for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the prompt by presenting arguments for both sides of the issue and clearly stating the writer’s opinion.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, the essay could further develop the discussion of the drawbacks of elderly individuals continuing to work, providing more balanced consideration of both perspectives.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer maintains a clear position throughout the essay, stating a preference for the benefits of older individuals continuing to work despite acknowledging potential drawbacks.
- How to improve: To strengthen clarity, the writer could explicitly state their position in the introduction and conclusion paragraphs to ensure consistency and coherence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and extends ideas by providing examples and explanations to support arguments, such as the benefits of continued work for mental sharpness, physical activity, and financial stability.
- How to improve: To further extend ideas, the writer could include more diverse examples and elaborate on the potential consequences of older individuals not working, providing a more comprehensive analysis.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the advantages and disadvantages of older individuals continuing to work, although there are some minor deviations, such as briefly mentioning the impact on younger workers.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should avoid tangential points and ensure that all discussion points directly relate to the central theme of whether elderly individuals should continue working.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the prompt and effectively presents arguments and examples to support the writer’s position, there is room for improvement in providing a more balanced discussion of both sides and ensuring greater coherence and focus throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of ideas. It begins with an introduction that outlines the author’s stance on the topic, followed by two body paragraphs presenting supporting arguments and a conclusion summarizing the author’s viewpoint. However, there are some instances where the flow could be improved. For instance, the transition between discussing the benefits and drawbacks of elderly employment could be smoother.
- How to improve: To enhance logical coherence, consider employing clearer transitions between ideas. For instance, use transitional phrases like "on the one hand… on the other hand" or "in contrast" to signal shifts between discussing advantages and disadvantages. Additionally, ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea to avoid confusion.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into paragraphs, but their structure could be improved for better clarity and coherence. Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main point, but some paragraphs in the essay cover multiple ideas, leading to a lack of cohesion within paragraphs.
- How to improve: Aim for better paragraph unity by organizing each paragraph around a central theme or argument. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, then provide supporting details or examples to develop that idea coherently. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into shorter ones to maintain focus and improve readability.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes some cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "To begin with," "In addition," "Nonetheless"), to connect ideas within and between sentences. However, the variety and effectiveness of cohesive devices could be enhanced for smoother transitions and clearer coherence.
- How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay to improve coherence. Consider incorporating a broader variety of transition words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "On the contrary," "Nevertheless," etc., to signal relationships between ideas more effectively. Additionally, ensure cohesive devices are used consistently and appropriately to maintain coherence and clarity.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, refining the organization of ideas, paragraph structure, and use of cohesive devices will contribute to a more cohesive and logically structured response.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary. There is some variety in word choice, such as "indisputable fact," "favourable," "exacerbate," "merits," and "stumbling blocks." However, there is room for improvement as some terms are overused or less precise, like "older people" and "work."
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider using synonyms or more specific terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "older people," you could use "elderly individuals," "senior citizens," or "retirees." Avoiding repetition and exploring more nuanced vocabulary can elevate the lexical resource score.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay sometimes uses vocabulary precisely, such as in the phrase "lack of work-life balance." However, there are instances where more precise vocabulary could be used. For example, instead of "can be seen as favourable for the following sources," consider using "can be advantageous for the following reasons" for clearer and more precise expression.
- How to improve: Aim for greater precision by selecting words that accurately convey your intended meaning. Use a thesaurus or context-specific vocabulary to find more precise alternatives. For instance, instead of "could be viewed as unfavourable," consider using "could be detrimental" or "could pose challenges."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates an acceptable level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of misspellings, such as "merits" (should be "merits would be") and "money support" (should be "financial support").
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider proofreading your work carefully or using spell-checking tools. Pay close attention to commonly misspelled words and practice using them correctly in context.

Overall, the essay exhibits a reasonable level of lexical resource, but there is room for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. Varying your word choice, using precise vocabulary, and ensuring correct spelling can enhance the lexical richness of your writing and potentially improve your band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, compound sentences, and conditional constructions. For example, in the introductory paragraph, the writer uses a conditional structure ("if it is possible for them to do so") and employs a compound-complex structure ("While many people argue…"). Throughout the essay, there is evidence of diverse structures, contributing to coherence and depth of expression.
- How to improve: To further enhance the richness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence types, such as inverted sentences, participial phrases, and relative clauses. Additionally, vary the length of sentences for better rhythm and emphasis. For instance, integrating shorter, punchy sentences amidst longer ones can create a more engaging and dynamic narrative.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances where minor errors occur, such as subject-verb agreement ("It is argued that the elderly should continue working…") and punctuation placement ("The reasons are as follows."). These errors do not significantly detract from the clarity or coherence of the essay but are worth addressing for a more polished presentation.
- How to improve: Review subject-verb agreement rules, particularly when dealing with complex sentence structures or compound subjects. Additionally, pay close attention to punctuation placement, ensuring commas, periods, and other punctuation marks are used correctly to enhance clarity and readability. Consider utilizing grammar check tools or seeking feedback from peers to identify and rectify any lingering errors.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, earning a Band Score of 7. Continuing to refine sentence structures and polishing grammar and punctuation will further strengthen the writing proficiency and elevate the overall quality of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely acknowledged that older individuals continuing to work can be viewed favorably. I firmly believe that this is because engaging in work could have both advantages and disadvantages. The reasons are as follows:

Firstly, continuing to work can help older adults maintain mental sharpness and physical activity. This is because engaging in work, especially if it’s meaningful or enjoyable, can contribute to better overall health and longevity. In addition, work environments offer social interactions that can combat loneliness and depression, fostering a sense of belonging and purpose. Equally important, working beyond traditional retirement age can provide necessary financial support or improve their quality of life, thanks to additional income. Therefore, they will not have to rely on anyone for financial support to sustain their livelihood.

On the downside, this trend could also be viewed unfavorably. Firstly, allowing older people to remain in employment can exacerbate unemployment rates among younger workers. As a result, it affects their career development and innovation and leaves fewer job openings for younger individuals. Secondly, this can lead to a lack of work-life balance. Continuing to work may limit the time available for leisure, family, and hobbies, especially for those who have spent a lifetime prioritizing work over personal activities. Nonetheless, I would contend that the merits would be superior to the challenges.

In conclusion, I reaffirm once again my position that despite a limited number of disadvantages, the benefits of older people staying at work as long as possible would be more significant.