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It is a natural process for animal species to become extinct. There is no reason why people should try to prevent this from happening. Agree or disagree?

It is a natural process for animal species to become extinct. There is no reason why people should try to prevent this from happening. Agree or disagree?

It is said that people should stop trying to protect the animals from being at risk of extinction because it is a natural process of most fauna species. This essay is written to shed light on the reasons for the objection against this idea as animals play a key role in maintaining biodiversity and bringing to humans many precious values.

Preventing animals from vanishing is an essential responsibility of every individual in virtue of their crucial impact on the world. First and foremost, animals take charge of balancing the wildlife. If one of the species disappears, it is obvious that the environment may face many serious problems such as a lack of precious experimental materials, and a depletion of food sources for other species. This is because there is a cemented relationship among animals in the environment. Moreover, fauna species naturally have plenty of effects on human agricultural activities. For instance, earthworms play a role in reforming soil quality which helps farmers produce an effectual harvest. As a result, it is utterly urgent for people to be aware of taking action to hinder the vanishment of animal species.
Furthermore, the human race can benefit from a myriad of particular animals if they are well-preserved. The primary advantage is that certain species can be a vital remedy for most ailments. For example, honey made by bees can help to cure cough disease and many others. On top of that, many species do have service values. This is because the animals that are protected in national parks can captivate many tourists, especially foreign tourists. This can help to promote the cultural values of the home country to overseas countries.

In conclusion, people should make endeavors to preserve the fauna species from being extinct as they hold a key role in our environment as well as enhance the prosperity of a nation.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is said that people should stop trying to protect the animals from being at risk of extinction because it is a natural process of most fauna species." -> "It is argued that individuals should refrain from intervening to prevent animals from facing the risk of extinction, as it is considered a natural process for most fauna species."
    Explanation: Replacing "It is said that people should stop trying to protect" with "It is argued that individuals should refrain from intervening" enhances formality and precision. Additionally, the term "fauna species" is more formal than "animals."

  2. "This essay is written to shed light on the reasons for the objection against this idea as animals play a key role in maintaining biodiversity and bringing to humans many precious values." -> "This essay aims to elucidate the reasons behind the objection to this notion, emphasizing the pivotal role of animals in sustaining biodiversity and contributing numerous significant values to humanity."
    Explanation: The phrase "shed light on" is replaced with "elucidate," and "many precious values" is replaced with "numerous significant values" to maintain formality and precision.

  3. "Preventing animals from vanishing is an essential responsibility of every individual in virtue of their crucial impact on the world." -> "Safeguarding animals from extinction is a fundamental responsibility of every individual owing to their pivotal impact on the world."
    Explanation: The phrase "in virtue of" is replaced with "owing to," and "vanishing" is replaced with "extinction" for a more formal tone.

  4. "First and foremost, animals take charge of balancing the wildlife." -> "First and foremost, animals play a crucial role in maintaining the balance of wildlife."
    Explanation: The phrase "take charge of" is replaced with "play a crucial role in" for a more formal expression of the idea.

  5. "If one of the species disappears, it is obvious that the environment may face many serious problems such as a lack of precious experimental materials, and a depletion of food sources for other species." -> "The disappearance of a single species can lead to significant environmental challenges, including a scarcity of valuable research materials and a depletion of food sources for other species."
    Explanation: The phrase "it is obvious that" is replaced with a more direct statement, and "lack of precious experimental materials" is used for precision.

  6. "Moreover, fauna species naturally have plenty of effects on human agricultural activities." -> "Furthermore, fauna species inherently exert a multitude of effects on human agricultural activities."
    Explanation: The phrase "plenty of effects" is replaced with "a multitude of effects" for a more formal and precise expression.

  7. "For instance, earthworms play a role in reforming soil quality which helps farmers produce an effectual harvest." -> "For example, earthworms contribute to the improvement of soil quality, facilitating farmers in achieving an efficient harvest."
    Explanation: The phrase "play a role in reforming" is replaced with "contribute to the improvement of" for a more formal and descriptive expression.

  8. "As a result, it is utterly urgent for people to be aware of taking action to hinder the vanishment of animal species." -> "Consequently, it is imperative for individuals to be cognizant of the need to take action to prevent the extinction of animal species."
    Explanation: The term "utterly urgent" is replaced with "imperative," and "hinder the vanishment" is replaced with "prevent the extinction" for a more formal tone.

  9. "Furthermore, the human race can benefit from a myriad of particular animals if they are well-preserved." -> "Moreover, humanity can derive numerous benefits from specific animals if they are effectively preserved."
    Explanation: The phrase "a myriad of" is replaced with "numerous," and "well-preserved" is used for precision.

  10. "On top of that, many species do have service values." -> "Additionally, many species possess service values."
    Explanation: The phrase "On top of that" is replaced with "Additionally" for a smoother transition, and "do have" is simplified to "possess" for conciseness.

  11. "This is because the animals that are protected in national parks can captivate many tourists, especially foreign tourists." -> "This is because animals protected in national parks can attract numerous tourists, particularly those from foreign countries."
    Explanation: The phrase "can captivate many tourists" is replaced with "can attract numerous tourists" for a more formal and precise expression.

  12. "This can help to promote the cultural values of the home country to overseas countries." -> "This can contribute to promoting the cultural values of the home country to international audiences."
    Explanation: The phrase "help to promote" is replaced with "contribute to promoting" for a more formal and active expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay successfully addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the idea that animal extinction is a natural process but firmly disagrees with the notion that people should not prevent it. The reasoning is presented clearly throughout the essay, and relevant sections such as the impact on biodiversity and human benefits are well articulated.
    • How to improve: While the essay comprehensively covers the prompt, it could enhance its depth by considering counterarguments briefly before refuting them. This would demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the topic.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position from the introduction to the conclusion. The stance against allowing animal species to become extinct is evident and consistently supported throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To further enhance clarity, the author could explicitly state their position in the introduction to provide a roadmap for the reader. A clear thesis statement can set the tone for the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports its ideas. The argument is well-developed, with specific examples such as the role of animals in balancing the environment and their benefits to human agriculture and medicine.
    • How to improve: To further improve, the essay could delve deeper into some examples, providing more nuanced explanations or additional supporting evidence. This would add richness to the overall argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic, discussing the reasons for disagreeing with the idea that people should not prevent animal extinction. However, there is a minor deviation in the concluding sentence where the essay briefly mentions enhancing the prosperity of a nation without directly tying it back to preventing animal extinction.
    • How to improve: To stay completely on topic, the conclusion should reiterate the key points related to preventing animal extinction rather than introducing a new concept. This ensures a stronger thematic coherence.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the prompt and effectively presents a well-reasoned argument against the idea that people should not prevent animal extinction. Minor improvements in addressing counterarguments, stating the position explicitly in the introduction, delving deeper into examples, and ensuring the conclusion aligns closely with the essay’s main theme can contribute to an even more compelling response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with a clear introduction that outlines the stance on protecting animals from extinction. The body paragraphs follow a logical sequence, with the first discussing the environmental impact of animal extinction and the second focusing on the benefits to humans. The conclusion summarizes the key points effectively. However, there is room for improvement in the logical flow within paragraphs. For instance, the second paragraph could be better structured to enhance the coherence of ideas.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider revising the second paragraph to present arguments in a more structured manner. Start with a topic sentence that clearly outlines the main point, followed by supporting details in a logical order. This will improve the overall coherence within each paragraph.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with a clear division between the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. However, the second paragraph could benefit from better internal structure to improve the overall effectiveness of paragraphing.
    • How to improve: While the essay demonstrates proper paragraphing, focus on strengthening the structure within the second paragraph. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, supporting details, and a smooth transition to the next paragraph. This will enhance the effectiveness of individual paragraphs and contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and ensure a smooth flow of information. Transition words such as "furthermore" and "moreover" are appropriately employed to link sentences and paragraphs. However, there is some repetition of phrases, such as the repeated use of "animal species." While this repetition is not excessive, diversifying the language can further improve the cohesion of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance the use of cohesive devices, consider introducing synonyms or alternative phrases for repetitive terms. This will not only prevent monotony but also contribute to a richer and more varied language use. Additionally, pay attention to the placement of transitional words to ensure a seamless connection between ideas.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 7. Improvements can be made by refining the logical flow within paragraphs, strengthening the internal structure of the second paragraph, and diversifying the language for enhanced cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable attempt at utilizing a range of vocabulary. There is evidence of varied word choices, such as "vanishing," "crucial impact," "depletion," and "efficacious harvest." However, the range is somewhat limited, and some phrases, like "hinder the vanishment," could be more precise.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating more sophisticated synonyms and expressions. For example, instead of "hinder the vanishment," one could use "mitigate the extinction risk" or "safeguard against disappearance." This would elevate the lexical diversity of the essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with clarity, but there are instances where precision could be improved. For instance, the phrase "depletion of food sources" could be more precise by specifying the impact on a particular species or ecosystem.
    • How to improve: Aim for more precision by specifying details. Instead of a generic "depletion of food sources," specify which species may be affected and how this could disrupt the ecosystem. This specificity adds depth and clarity to your arguments.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an acceptable level of spelling accuracy. However, there are some minor errors, such as "vanishment," which could be considered a less common term.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to spelling, particularly for less common words. Additionally, proofread your essay thoroughly to catch any overlooked errors. Consider using tools like spell-check to enhance spelling accuracy.

Overall, the essay showcases a reasonably strong command of vocabulary. To elevate the lexical resource score, focus on diversifying your word choices, ensuring precision in expression, and enhancing spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory variety of sentence structures. It incorporates simple, compound, and complex sentences. There is evidence of relative clauses, conditional sentences, and straightforward statements. However, some sentences could be more complex for a higher band score.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures. For instance, experiment with the use of advanced clauses, such as non-restrictive or adverbial clauses. Additionally, try to use a mix of sentence lengths for a more dynamic and engaging prose.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a good command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances where sentence structure becomes convoluted, leading to minor errors. For instance, in the sentence, "Preventing animals from vanishing is an essential responsibility," the placement of "from" can create ambiguity.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to sentence construction to avoid ambiguity. In this case, rephrase the sentence to clarify the intended meaning. Additionally, carefully proofread the essay to catch any minor grammatical errors or awkward phrasing that might be present. Consistent attention to detail will ensure greater accuracy.

In summary, the essay displays a commendable level of grammatical range and accuracy, contributing to its overall band score of 7. To further improve, focus on diversifying sentence structures and refining sentence construction to enhance clarity and precision.

Bài sửa mẫu

The idea that individuals should refrain from intervening to prevent animals from facing the risk of extinction is a viewpoint that suggests it is a natural process for most fauna species. This essay aims to elucidate the reasons behind the objection to this notion, emphasizing the pivotal role of animals in sustaining biodiversity and contributing numerous significant values to humanity.

Safeguarding animals from extinction is a fundamental responsibility of every individual owing to their pivotal impact on the world. First and foremost, animals play a crucial role in maintaining the balance of wildlife. The disappearance of a single species can lead to significant environmental challenges, including a scarcity of valuable research materials and a depletion of food sources for other species. This is because there is a cemented relationship among animals in the environment.

Furthermore, fauna species inherently exert a multitude of effects on human agricultural activities. For example, earthworms contribute to the improvement of soil quality, facilitating farmers in achieving an efficient harvest. As a result, it is utterly urgent for people to be aware of the need to take action to prevent the extinction of animal species.

Moreover, humanity can derive numerous benefits from specific animals if they are effectively preserved. Additionally, many species possess service values. This is because animals protected in national parks can attract numerous tourists, particularly those from foreign countries. This can contribute to promoting the cultural values of the home country to international audiences.

In conclusion, it is argued that individuals should not agree with the notion that preventing the extinction of animals is unnecessary. Preserving fauna species is crucial due to their role in maintaining biodiversity, sustaining the environment, and providing valuable benefits to humanity. It is imperative for people to be cognizant of the need to take action to ensure the well-being and survival of various animal species.

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