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It is a natural process for animal species to become extinct. There is no reason why people should try to prevent this from happening. Do you agree or disagree?

It is a natural process for animal species to become extinct. There is no reason why people should try to prevent this from happening. Do you agree or disagree?

Many people argue that animal extinction is an unavoidable part of natural selection, and the prevention of this phenomenon would be pointless. In this essay, however, I will challenge this school of thought.
First and foremost, allowing animals to go extinct is tantamount to paving the way for our human extinction. This is because the interconnected nature of the ecosystem, which governs and affects all lives on earth, could be easily disrupted by the disappearance of certain keystone animals. For example, the extinction of Australian bees due to the harmful farming activities has led to the disappearance of a large number of other plants and animals along with them. Were we to turn blind eyes to such events, we would soon face the demise of our own race.
To add further credence to my assertion, I note the cost-effectiveness of protecting wildlife. In my view, money and manpower spent on dealing with habitat changes occurred due to the disappearance of certain keystone species may far outweigh those of allocated on wildlife preservation. To make matters worse, there is no guarantee that we would be able to develop our modern technologies to cope with such dramatic changes. In fact, no existing technologies are making any discernible contribution to the battle against climate change, let alone the looming end of our own kind.
In conclusion, it is a mistake to assume that there is no point in trying to save wild animals from dying out. This is because preserving other animals is a cost-effective measure that could give us a chance to ensure the existence of mankind.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "Many people argue that animal extinction is an unavoidable part of natural selection" -> "Numerous individuals argue that animal extinction is an inevitable outcome of natural selection"
    Explanation: Replacing "many people" with "numerous individuals" and using "inevitable outcome" instead of "unavoidable part" lends a more formal tone to the statement without losing the original meaning.

  2. "First and foremost, allowing animals to go extinct is tantamount to paving the way for our human extinction." -> "Primarily, permitting the extinction of animals parallels the path toward human extinction."
    Explanation: Altering "first and foremost" to "primarily" and rephrasing "allowing animals to go extinct" to "permitting the extinction of animals" maintains a formal tone and enhances the precision of expression.

  3. "Were we to turn blind eyes to such events" -> "If we were to disregard such events"
    Explanation: The phrase "turn blind eyes" is informal; substituting it with "disregard" retains the intended meaning while aligning with a more formal tone.

  4. "To add further credence to my assertion, I note the cost-effectiveness of protecting wildlife." -> "To bolster my argument, I emphasize the cost-effectiveness of wildlife conservation."
    Explanation: Replacing "add further credence" with "bolster my argument" and rephrasing "note the cost-effectiveness" to "emphasize the cost-effectiveness" maintains the formality of language and strengthens the statement.

  5. "money and manpower spent on dealing with habitat changes occurred due to the disappearance of certain keystone species may far outweigh those of allocated on wildlife preservation." -> "Financial and human resources invested in addressing habitat changes resulting from the extinction of keystone species may significantly surpass those allocated to wildlife preservation."
    Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and formal structure. Restructuring the sentence with clearer wording and proper grammar improves readability and maintains academic tone.

  6. "there is no guarantee that we would be able to develop our modern technologies to cope with such dramatic changes." -> "There’s no assurance that our current technologies can adequately address such profound changes."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains formality while rephrasing for clarity and precision.

  7. "no existing technologies are making any discernible contribution to the battle against climate change" -> "Current technologies are not making appreciable contributions to combating climate change"
    Explanation: The suggested alteration maintains a formal tone while enhancing clarity and removing redundancy.

  8. "let alone the looming end of our own kind." -> "especially considering the imminent extinction of our species."
    Explanation: The phrase "let alone" is more conversational. Replacing it with "especially considering" maintains a formal tone and precision in conveying the idea of human extinction.

  9. "it is a mistake to assume that there is no point in trying to save wild animals from dying out." -> "It is erroneous to assume that attempting to prevent the extinction of wild animals lacks purpose."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains formality while conveying the idea more precisely and succinctly.

  10. "This is because preserving other animals is a cost-effective measure that could give us a chance to ensure the existence of mankind." -> "This is due to the fact that conserving wildlife represents a cost-effective strategy that offers an opportunity to safeguard the survival of humankind."
    Explanation: Replacing "preserving other animals" with "conserving wildlife," and refining the sentence structure for clarity and formality, improves the academic tone of the statement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the prompt. It acknowledges the argument supporting natural selection causing extinction but strongly disagrees and provides a counter-argument.
    • How to improve: To further enhance comprehensiveness, consider briefly addressing potential opposing views in a concession-rebuttal structure. Acknowledge opposing arguments before refuting them, showcasing a deeper understanding of multiple perspectives.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The position against allowing natural extinction is consistently maintained throughout the essay. The introduction sets the stage for disagreement, and each subsequent paragraph reinforces this stance with logical reasoning and examples.
    • How to improve: To bolster clarity, ensure each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence reinforcing the essay’s stance, creating a stronger structure.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents solid arguments against allowing natural extinction, particularly highlighting the interconnectedness of species and the cost-effectiveness of preservation efforts. However, some arguments could benefit from further development or empirical evidence.
    • How to improve: Elaborate on the ecosystem interdependence concept by incorporating real-world examples or scientific studies. Strengthen the argument regarding the cost-effectiveness of preservation by citing specific cases or economic analyses.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a strong connection to the topic throughout, focusing on the consequences of extinction and the necessity of preservation.
    • How to improve: To further ensure coherence, reinforce topic relevance by explicitly connecting each supporting example or argument back to the central theme of preventing extinction.

Overall, the essay effectively argues against the notion of allowing natural extinction. To improve, consider deeper engagement with opposing views, fortifying arguments with empirical evidence or specific examples, and reinforcing the essay’s coherence by consistently tying supporting details back to the central theme. This enhanced depth and clarity would further strengthen the response and potentially elevate it to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction sets up the argument effectively, and each paragraph contributes to building the case against allowing animal extinction. The essay follows a clear progression of ideas, with the first paragraph establishing a potential threat to humans, the second providing evidence through an example, and the third offering additional support and a conclusion.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider explicitly stating the main points in the introduction and reiterating them in the conclusion. This helps readers follow the argument more easily. Additionally, ensure a smooth transition between paragraphs by using linking words or phrases.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with each one focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction and conclusion are appropriately concise, and the body paragraphs delve into the interconnectedness of ecosystems, the impact of a specific example, and the cost-effectiveness of wildlife preservation.
    • How to improve: To further improve paragraphing, make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Additionally, check the coherence within paragraphs by examining the flow of ideas from sentence to sentence. Use transitions to guide readers through the progression of your argument.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices effectively, with the use of cohesive devices such as "First and foremost," "To add further credence," and "In conclusion." These phrases help signal the organization of the essay and connect ideas within paragraphs. Pronouns like "This" and "These" also contribute to coherence.
    • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating a variety of transition words and phrases (e.g., moreover, nevertheless, consequently) to add nuance to the relationships between ideas. This can elevate the overall cohesion of the essay. Additionally, be mindful of pronoun reference to ensure clarity in your writing.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion. Strengthening the explicit framing of main points, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to further improvement.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 8

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating words such as "tantamount," "credence," "cost-effectiveness," and "keystone animals." These choices contribute to a nuanced and sophisticated expression of ideas. The mention of "manpower," "demise," and "battle against climate change" adds depth to the argument, showing versatility in vocabulary usage.
    • How to improve: While the essay already employs an extensive vocabulary, there is room to enhance the diversity of word choices in certain areas. For instance, consider using synonyms or alternative phrases to prevent repetition of words like "extinction" and "preserving" in the concluding paragraph. This can elevate the lexical richness further.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The vocabulary is generally used with precision. For instance, the term "keystone animals" is aptly employed to signify species crucial to the ecosystem. The phrase "paving the way for our human extinction" is powerful and conveys the gravity of the situation effectively.
    • How to improve: While the essay is precise in its vocabulary, be cautious about potential overuse of certain terms. For instance, the repetition of "keystone" could be minimized by using synonyms or varied expressions to maintain precision without redundancy.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors throughout the text. This contributes to the overall professionalism of the writing.
    • How to improve: To maintain this standard, continue to prioritize careful proofreading. Consider revisiting sections that involve technical terms or less common words to ensure their accurate spelling. Additionally, the use of tools like spell checkers can serve as a helpful final check before submission.

Overall, the essay exhibits a strong command of lexical resources, contributing significantly to the overall band score of 8. To further enhance lexical diversity, strive for even more varied expressions, and maintain the current standard of precision and spelling accuracy through meticulous proofreading.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable range of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. There is effective use of varied sentence lengths and structures, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. The writer successfully employs diverse syntactic constructions such as conditional sentences ("If we turn blind eyes to such events"), complex structures ("allowing animals to go extinct is tantamount to paving the way for our human extinction"), and straightforward declarative sentences.
    • How to improve: While the variety is generally good, consider incorporating more rhetorical devices or stylistic elements for further enhancement. For instance, integrating parallelism or varying the placement of dependent and independent clauses could elevate the overall sophistication of the writing.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar, with few notable errors. The sentences are generally well-constructed, and grammatical structures are used accurately throughout. However, there is a slight issue with subject-verb agreement in the sentence "were we to turn blind eyes to such events," where the verb "were" should agree with the singular subject "we."
    • How to improve: To address this issue, pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement, especially in sentences that involve conditional constructions. A revised version could be "if we were to turn blind eyes to such events."
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally accurate, contributing to the overall clarity of the essay. However, there is a minor issue with the punctuation in the sentence "were we to turn blind eyes to such events, we would soon face the demise of our own race," where a comma after "were" would enhance readability.
    • How to improve: Be attentive to the use of commas, especially in complex sentences. Adding a comma after "were" would make the sentence more fluid: "were we to turn blind eyes to such events, we would soon face the demise of our own race." Additionally, consider experimenting with more complex punctuation, such as semicolons, to further diversify sentence structures.

Bài sửa mẫu

Many individuals argue that animal extinction is an unavoidable outcome of natural selection, and preventing this phenomenon would be futile. In this essay, I will challenge this perspective.

Firstly, allowing animals to go extinct is equivalent to paving the way for human extinction. The interconnected nature of the ecosystem, governing and affecting all life on earth, could be easily disrupted by the disappearance of certain keystone animals. For instance, the extinction of Australian bees due to harmful farming activities has led to the disappearance of a large number of other plants and animals. Turning a blind eye to such events could soon lead to the demise of our own race.

To reinforce my argument, I emphasize the cost-effectiveness of wildlife conservation. Financial and human resources invested in addressing habitat changes resulting from the extinction of keystone species may significantly surpass those allocated to wildlife preservation. Moreover, there is no assurance that our current technologies can adequately address such profound changes. Present technologies are not making appreciable contributions to combating climate change, especially considering the imminent extinction of our species.

In conclusion, it is erroneous to assume that attempting to prevent the extinction of wild animals lacks purpose. This is because conserving wildlife represents a cost-effective strategy that offers an opportunity to safeguard the survival of humankind.

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