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It is believed that people who read books can cultivate their imagination and language skills better than people who like to watch TV. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is believed that people who read books can cultivate their imagination and language skills better than people who like to watch TV. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people believe that reading might help people develop their creativity and linguistic skills more than watching television. I agree with this opinion. On the one hand, Reading books increases imagination to some extent. For instance, the detective story Sherlock Holmes has details of solving crimes and psychological developments of characters that make readers imagine and immerse themselves in the characters written in the book. On the other hand, people who have the habit of reading books can enhance their ability to connect parts of the brain related to language. According to studies published in the Journal of Pediatric Behavior and Development, reading one book three to five times a week exposes toddlers to over 169,000 words. Yet, people who like to watch TV will experience memory loss faster. According to research from London College, Adults who watch TV for longer than three and a half hours a day may develop memory loss. People who regularly watch TV for more than six years continuously have twice the risk of dementia compared to people who rarely watch TV. Besides, watching too much TV affects children's language development.Researchers discovered that the more time spent on screens, the more obvious the symptoms of autism spectrum disorder and developmental delays become. It's obvious that having creative thinking and linguistic abilities is crucial, yet these are being overlooked. I do not support this, and I think people must change to a healthier lifestyle now.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Some people believe that" -> "Some individuals posit that"
    Explanation: Replacing "Some people believe that" with "Some individuals posit that" introduces a more formal and nuanced expression, aligning with academic tone and style.

  2. "I agree with this opinion." -> "I concur with this viewpoint."
    Explanation: Substituting "I agree with this opinion" with "I concur with this viewpoint" enhances formality and precision, maintaining an academic tone throughout the essay.

  3. "On the one hand, Reading books increases imagination to some extent." -> "Firstly, engaging with books enhances imagination."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence to "Firstly, engaging with books enhances imagination" provides a more organized and academic introduction to the supporting points.

  4. "For instance, the detective story Sherlock Holmes has details of solving crimes and psychological developments of characters that make readers imagine and immerse themselves in the characters written in the book." -> "For example, the detective story ‘Sherlock Holmes’ intricately weaves crime-solving details and psychological character developments, prompting readers to immerse themselves in the narrative."
    Explanation: The suggested revision elevates the language by using "intricately weaves" instead of "has details," creating a more sophisticated expression of the book’s qualities.

  5. "On the other hand, people who have the habit of reading books can enhance their ability to connect parts of the brain related to language." -> "Conversely, individuals cultivating the habit of reading books can bolster their capacity to synthesize brain regions associated with language."
    Explanation: Substituting "On the other hand" with "Conversely" and rephrasing the sentence enhances the transition and employs more advanced vocabulary, contributing to a formal tone.

  6. "According to studies published in the Journal of Pediatric Behavior and Development, reading one book three to five times a week exposes toddlers to over 169,000 words." -> "Studies published in the Journal of Pediatric Behavior and Development indicate that reading a single book three to five times per week exposes toddlers to a lexicon exceeding 169,000 words."
    Explanation: The suggested changes refine the sentence by attributing the information directly to the studies, using more precise language.

  7. "Yet, people who like to watch TV will experience memory loss faster." -> "However, individuals inclined towards watching TV may encounter accelerated memory loss."
    Explanation: Replacing "Yet" with "However" provides a smoother transition, and using "may encounter accelerated memory loss" contributes to a more formal expression.

  8. "According to research from London College, Adults who watch TV for longer than three and a half hours a day may develop memory loss." -> "Research from London College suggests that adults watching TV for over three and a half hours daily may be susceptible to memory loss."
    Explanation: The revision offers a more concise and direct presentation of the research findings, adhering to formal language conventions.

  9. "It’s obvious that having creative thinking and linguistic abilities is crucial, yet these are being overlooked." -> "It is evident that fostering creative thinking and linguistic abilities is crucial; however, these aspects are often underestimated."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance clarity and formalize the expression of the importance of creative thinking and linguistic abilities.

  10. "I do not support this, and I think people must change to a healthier lifestyle now." -> "I dissent from this perspective, asserting that individuals ought to transition towards a healthier lifestyle promptly."
    Explanation: Substituting "do not support" with "dissent from" and rephrasing the conclusion enhances formality and emphasizes the urgency of adopting a healthier lifestyle.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing the benefits of reading for imagination and language skills while contrasting it with the potential negative impact of watching TV on memory and language development, especially in children.
    • How to improve: To further enhance completeness, consider providing a more nuanced discussion of the opposing viewpoint, acknowledging potential benefits of watching TV or addressing counterarguments. Additionally, ensure a more balanced treatment of the two sides.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay consistently supports the idea that reading is more beneficial for imagination and language skills, maintaining this stance throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: While maintaining clarity is commendable, a more nuanced exploration that acknowledges potential advantages of watching TV would add depth to the argument. Strive for a balanced approach that acknowledges the merits of both activities.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas on the benefits of reading and the drawbacks of watching TV. However, some examples lack depth, and the discussion could benefit from more elaboration and specific instances.
    • How to improve: Enhance the essay by providing more detailed examples and extending the analysis of each point. Elaborate on how reading fosters imagination and language skills, and provide additional evidence for the negative effects of excessive TV watching.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, discussing the prompt’s key points. However, there are instances where the discussion slightly deviates, such as the sudden shift to the risks of TV watching for memory loss.
    • How to improve: Maintain a more seamless flow by ensuring that each point connects logically to the next. Avoid sudden shifts in focus and maintain a clear link to the overall theme of imagination and language skills.

In summary, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt, there is room for improvement in providing a more nuanced view, extending and supporting ideas with depth, and maintaining a seamless flow of discussion. Consider refining the structure to enhance clarity and presenting a more balanced argument for a more comprehensive response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization, starting with an introduction, followed by body paragraphs discussing different aspects of the topic, and concluding with a clear stance. However, there are moments where the sequencing could be improved for smoother transitions. For example, the shift from discussing the benefits of reading to the drawbacks of watching TV could be made more seamlessly, ensuring a clearer connection between ideas.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider restructuring sentences or using transitional phrases that guide the reader through the shift in focus. Ensure a clear and smooth progression of ideas throughout the essay, maintaining coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but the structure within them can be refined. The first paragraph is a bit dense, covering both the benefits of reading and the drawbacks of watching TV. Breaking this into two distinct paragraphs would enhance clarity and make it easier for the reader to follow the argument. Additionally, the conclusion could be a separate paragraph to provide a stronger ending.
    • How to improve: Organize the essay into well-defined paragraphs. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details and examples. Ensure a seamless transition between paragraphs to maintain the overall coherence of the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as ‘On the one hand’ and ‘On the other hand,’ to signal contrasting points. However, there is room for improvement in the use of other cohesive devices, like pronouns and conjunctions, to create a smoother flow between sentences and ideas. Additionally, the connection between sentences within paragraphs could be strengthened for more coherence.
    • How to improve: Increase the use of cohesive devices, such as pronouns (‘this,’ ‘these,’ ‘those’) and conjunctions (‘however,’ ‘therefore,’ ‘furthermore’). Ensure that each sentence logically follows the preceding one, creating a seamless progression of ideas. This will enhance overall coherence and cohesion in the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices would elevate its overall effectiveness. Ensure a clear and smooth flow of ideas, with distinct paragraphs focusing on specific aspects of the argument, and employ a variety of cohesive devices to enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderately wide range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words and phrases, such as "psychological developments," "memory loss," and "creative thinking." However, there is room for improvement in the diversity and sophistication of vocabulary. For instance, some words and expressions are repeated, like "imagination," and a more extensive vocabulary could enhance the richness of expression.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider exploring synonyms and more advanced lexical choices. For example, instead of repeatedly using "imagination," one could incorporate words like "creativity," "innovation," or "imaginative prowess" to add depth to the writing.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The usage of vocabulary is generally precise, with specific terms like "Sherlock Holmes," "memory loss," and "autism spectrum disorder." However, there are instances where more precise language could be employed. For example, the phrase "connect parts of the brain related to language" is somewhat vague and could benefit from a more precise description.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by providing specific details. Instead of a broad mention of "connect parts of the brain," specify which areas or functions of the brain are impacted by reading. This will add clarity and depth to your argument.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are some minor issues, such as the misspelling of "believes" as "believe" in the first sentence. While this does not significantly detract from comprehension, attention to such details can contribute to a more polished presentation.
    • How to improve: Prioritize careful proofreading to catch and correct minor spelling errors. Consider using tools like spell checkers or asking someone else to review your work. Developing a habit of double-checking your writing can enhance overall spelling accuracy.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates competence in lexical resource, but there is room for improvement in expanding vocabulary diversity, refining precision in language use, and ensuring consistent spelling accuracy. Implementing these suggestions can contribute to a more sophisticated and polished expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of sentence structures. Simple and complex sentences are used throughout the essay, contributing to its overall coherence. However, there is room for improvement in sentence variety. The majority of sentences are of medium length, and a greater mix of short and complex sentences could add dynamism to the writing. For instance, the opening sentence could be enhanced by breaking it into two for better readability.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences, including the use of dependent clauses and phrases. For example, instead of one long sentence in the introduction, break it down into shorter, more concise sentences. This will create a more engaging and varied flow.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates a commendable level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For instance, there is an issue with subject-verb agreement in the sentence "Yet, people who like to watch TV will experience memory loss faster." The correct form would be "people who like to watch TV may experience memory loss faster." Additionally, some sentences lack parallel structure, affecting overall clarity.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and maintain parallel structure, especially in complex sentences. Review sentences to ensure consistent grammatical structures, helping to convey ideas more clearly. For instance, rephrase the sentence mentioned above to ensure parallelism and improved readability.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammatical structures and punctuation, a greater variety of sentence structures and more meticulous attention to certain grammatical nuances could elevate the essay to a higher band score. Consider implementing the suggested improvements to enhance the overall quality of your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a belief that individuals who engage in reading books can foster their creativity and language skills more effectively than those who prefer watching television. I concur with this viewpoint. Firstly, the act of reading books contributes to the enhancement of imagination. Take, for instance, the detective story ‘Sherlock Holmes,’ which intricately weaves crime-solving details and psychological character developments, prompting readers to immerse themselves in the narrative.

On the other hand, individuals who cultivate the habit of reading books can strengthen their capacity to connect brain regions associated with language. Studies published in the Journal of Pediatric Behavior and Development indicate that reading a single book three to five times per week exposes toddlers to a lexicon exceeding 169,000 words. In contrast, those inclined towards watching TV may encounter accelerated memory loss. Research from London College suggests that adults watching TV for over three and a half hours daily may be susceptible to memory loss.

It is evident that fostering creative thinking and linguistic abilities is crucial; however, these aspects are often underestimated. I dissent from this perspective, asserting that individuals ought to transition towards a healthier lifestyle promptly.

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