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It is inevitable that traditional cultures will be lost as technology develops. Technology and traditional cultures are incompatible. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

It is inevitable that traditional cultures will be lost as technology develops. Technology and traditional cultures are incompatible. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

Many people argue that the rapid developments of technology will unavoidably result in the loss of traditional cultures. In my opinion, while I believe that these cultures are vulnerable to technology developments, I think they could still thrive if they are integrated with technologies appropriately.
On the one hand, technology has the potential to erase long-lasting cultures because of a few reasons .One of the reasons is that traditional cultures are being , or would likely be replaced by more appealing digital versions , which are more interesting and way easier to access.Take Water puppet – a traditional Vietnamese entertainment activity – for example. It was once favourite Vietnamese children show every night, but now is being overwhelmed by countless digital-animated cartoon that are broadcasted daily on TV.Therefore most children nowadays do not know water puppet exist.
In addition, I think another reason is the Internet. As social media are giving people countless information, which then makes us neglect our traditions.Since we are spending more and more time on our smartphone, there is less time for family; therefore, traditions have no time to pass on from generations to generations.
On the other hand, technology advancements could help traditional cultures stay alive and continue developing. This can be achieved by using social media to remind and educate people about these traditions as it has greater accessibility. This method has already shown its effectiveness in many examples . Hue royal music , with the help of social media, has gone viral and becoming one of the most popular music phenomenon in the year 2020. Another way technology can save traditional cultures is that it can makes these cultures more interesting and easier to access to more people. Many traditional cultures can be broadcasted live on TV or any other social media platforms such as Youtube and Facebook. Moreover, television programs or famous celebrities can use their influence to grab people attentions to traditional cultures.
In conclusion, although technologies can have harmful effects on long-lasting cultures, I believe that if we can use them correctly, traditional cultures can thrive in modern era.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "unavoidably result" -> "inevitably lead"
    Explanation: Replacing "unavoidably result" with "inevitably lead" adds a more formal and precise expression to convey the idea that technology will inevitably have consequences on traditional cultures.

  2. "while I believe that" -> "although I acknowledge that"
    Explanation: Replacing "while I believe that" with "although I acknowledge that" introduces a more formal and nuanced expression, emphasizing the author’s acknowledgment of a potential opposing view.

  3. "they could still thrive if they are integrated with technologies appropriately" -> "they could still flourish through appropriate integration with technology"
    Explanation: Changing "thrive if they are integrated with technologies appropriately" to "flourish through appropriate integration with technology" maintains clarity while enhancing the formality of the expression.

  4. "technology has the potential to erase long-lasting cultures because of a few reasons" -> "technology has the potential to erode enduring cultures for several reasons"
    Explanation: Substituting "erase long-lasting cultures because of a few reasons" with "erode enduring cultures for several reasons" offers a more refined and academically appropriate way to convey the negative impact of technology on cultures.

  5. "One of the reasons is that traditional cultures are being" -> "One reason is that traditional cultures are being"
    Explanation: Removing "of the reasons" streamlines the sentence for a more concise and formal expression.

  6. "would likely be replaced by more appealing digital versions" -> "might be supplanted by more captivating digital counterparts"
    Explanation: Changing "would likely be replaced by more appealing digital versions" to "might be supplanted by more captivating digital counterparts" introduces a more sophisticated vocabulary to describe the potential replacement of traditional cultures by digital alternatives.

  7. "which are more interesting and way easier to access" -> "that are more engaging and significantly more accessible"
    Explanation: Substituting "which are more interesting and way easier to access" with "that are more engaging and significantly more accessible" enhances the precision and formality of the language.

  8. "Water puppet – a traditional Vietnamese entertainment activity" -> "The Water Puppetry, a traditional Vietnamese performing art"
    Explanation: Restructuring "Water puppet – a traditional Vietnamese entertainment activity" to "The Water Puppetry, a traditional Vietnamese performing art" provides a more detailed and formal introduction to the cultural element.

  9. "but now is being overwhelmed by countless digital-animated cartoon" -> "but is now overshadowed by numerous digital-animated cartoons"
    Explanation: Changing "but now is being overwhelmed by countless digital-animated cartoon" to "but is now overshadowed by numerous digital-animated cartoons" offers a more precise and formal expression of the idea.

  10. "therefore, traditions have no time to pass on from generations to generations." -> "therefore, traditions have insufficient time to be passed down from generation to generation."
    Explanation: Modifying "therefore, traditions have no time to pass on from generations to generations" to "therefore, traditions have insufficient time to be passed down from generation to generation" improves the formality and clarity of the statement.

  11. "technology advancements" -> "technological advancements"
    Explanation: Changing "technology advancements" to "technological advancements" aligns with a more standard and formal usage in academic writing.

  12. "social media to remind and educate people about these traditions as it has greater accessibility" -> "social media to remind and educate people about these traditions due to its widespread accessibility"
    Explanation: Replacing "social media to remind and educate people about these traditions as it has greater accessibility" with "social media to remind and educate people about these traditions due to its widespread accessibility" offers a more precise and formal expression.

  13. "gone viral and becoming one of the most popular music phenomenon" -> "gained popularity and become one of the most widely embraced musical phenomena"
    Explanation: Substituting "gone viral and becoming one of the most popular music phenomenon" with "gained popularity and become one of the most widely embraced musical phenomena" enhances the formality and precision of the sentence.

  14. "can makes these cultures more interesting" -> "can make these cultures more captivating"
    Explanation: Correcting "can makes these cultures more interesting" to "can make these cultures more captivating" ensures grammatical accuracy and introduces a more refined term.

  15. "access to more people" -> "access by a broader audience"
    Explanation: Changing "access to more people" to "access by a broader audience" offers a more formal and precise expression of the idea.

  16. "grab people attentions" -> "capture people’s attention"
    Explanation: Correcting "grab people attentions" to "capture people’s attention" ensures grammatical accuracy and employs a more formal term.

  17. "although technologies can have harmful effects" -> "although technology can have detrimental effects"
    Explanation: Replacing "although technologies can have harmful effects" with "although technology can have detrimental effects" simplifies and refines the expression for a more formal tone.

  18. "if we can use them correctly" -> "if we employ them judiciously"
    Explanation: Changing "if we can use them correctly" to "if we employ them judiciously" introduces a more sophisticated and precise term.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "Many people argue that the rapid developments of technology will unavoidably result in the loss of traditional cultures. In my opinion, while I believe that these cultures are vulnerable to technology developments, I think they could still thrive if they are integrated with technologies appropriately."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction clearly presents the writer’s opinion, which is good. However, it lacks a concise preview of the main points that will be discussed in the essay. To enhance clarity, consider briefly summarizing the key reasons or examples you’ll use to support your opinion.
    • Improved example: "While I acknowledge the concern that technology might erode traditional cultures, I contend that these cultures can endure and flourish if integrated thoughtfully with technological advancements. In the upcoming paragraphs, I will delve into specific reasons and examples supporting this perspective."
  2. Quoted text: "One of the reasons is that traditional cultures are being, or would likely be replaced by more appealing digital versions, which are more interesting and way easier to access."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your point about traditional cultures being replaced by more appealing digital versions is valid. However, the explanation lacks depth and examples. To strengthen this argument, provide specific instances of traditional practices being overshadowed by digital alternatives and how this impacts cultural preservation.
    • Improved example: "For instance, the traditional Vietnamese Water Puppet, once a beloved children’s show, has now been overshadowed by numerous digital-animated cartoons that captivate audiences daily. This shift not only diminishes the visibility of water puppetry but also poses a risk to its continuity across generations."
  3. Quoted text: "In addition, I think another reason is the Internet. As social media are giving people countless information, which then makes us neglect our traditions."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your point about the internet influencing cultural neglect is relevant. However, it lacks specific examples or details. To bolster your argument, provide concrete examples of how social media contributes to cultural neglect and why this is a concern.
    • Improved example: "Moreover, the pervasive influence of social media inundates individuals with an abundance of information, diverting attention away from cultural traditions. For instance, the extensive use of smartphones consumes our time, leaving little room for familial connections and the transmission of cultural practices across generations."
  4. Quoted text: "Although technologies can have harmful effects on long-lasting cultures, I believe that if we can use them correctly, traditional cultures can thrive in the modern era."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your conclusion is concise and reiterates your main point effectively. However, it would be beneficial to briefly summarize the key reasons or examples discussed in the body paragraphs, providing a sense of closure to the reader.
    • Improved example: "In conclusion, while acknowledging the potential negative impacts of technology on traditional cultures, a strategic integration of technology can pave the way for their thriving in the modern era. As demonstrated through examples such as the resurgence of Hue royal music, it becomes evident that embracing technology judiciously can be a catalyst for the preservation and promotion of traditional cultures."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas, with a clear progression throughout. The introduction and conclusion effectively frame the writer’s opinion. The essay utilizes a range of cohesive devices appropriately, such as transitional phrases ("On the one hand," "In addition," "On the other hand," "Moreover," "In conclusion"). The central topic of each paragraph is clear, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.

However, there are instances of under-/over-use of cohesive devices, and some sentences lack smooth cohesion, affecting the overall flow. For example, the sentence "Technology and traditional cultures are incompatible" in the introduction could be better linked to the following sentences for smoother progression. Additionally, there are minor issues with sentence structure and coherence within sentences, such as "It was once favourite Vietnamese children show every night," where the phrase "favourite Vietnamese children show" is not grammatically correct.

Paragraphing is generally logical, but there are some instances where it could be improved for better clarity and coherence. For instance, the second paragraph could be split into two to separate the discussion of reasons for cultural loss and examples supporting each reason.

How to improve:

  1. Ensure smooth cohesion within and between sentences for a more seamless flow of ideas.
  2. Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to avoid inaccuracies and enhance clarity.
  3. Consider refining paragraphing to enhance the logical organization of ideas.

Note: While the essay has merits that align with a Band 7 score, addressing the mentioned areas for improvement could potentially elevate its coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
This essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, showcasing attempts to use less common vocabulary. The writer occasionally employs some inaccuracies in word choice and expression. While errors in spelling and word formation exist, they don’t significantly hinder communication.

The essay presents arguments using vocabulary relevant to the topic, albeit with some imprecise word choices and occasional awkward expressions. For instance, phrases like "more appealing digital versions" and "makes us neglect our traditions" could be refined for better clarity and accuracy.

Additionally, there are noticeable errors in spelling and word formation ("children show" instead of "children’s show," "gone viral and becoming" should be "went viral and became"), although these errors don’t severely disrupt comprehension.

How to improve:

  1. Enhance precision in word choice and expression. Review the usage of phrases to ensure clarity and accuracy in conveying ideas.
  2. Focus on refining spelling and word formation to minimize errors. Carefully proofread the essay to correct basic spelling mistakes and sentence structures for smoother readability.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a variety of complex sentence structures, and the majority of sentences are error-free, contributing to a good control of grammar and punctuation. There is evident use of a wide range of structures, with a mix of simple and complex sentences. However, there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that slightly hinder communication. For example, the phrase "because of a few reasons" could be improved for clarity, and there are a few instances of incorrect word usage, such as "water puppet exist" instead of "water puppet exists." Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas in certain places.

How to improve:
To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should pay closer attention to sentence structure and correct word usage. Revising awkward phrasings and ensuring proper punctuation, especially commas, will contribute to greater clarity and precision. Proofreading for grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement, is crucial to elevate the overall accuracy of the essay. Additionally, varying sentence structures further and minimizing errors will contribute to a more polished piece.

Please note that while the essay exhibits characteristics of Band 7, it falls short of Band 8 due to the presence of some grammatical errors and instances of imprecise word usage.

Bài sửa mẫu

Many argue that the rapid development of technology will inevitably lead to the loss of traditional cultures. In my view, although I acknowledge that these cultures are vulnerable to technological advancements, they could still flourish through appropriate integration with technology.

On one hand, technology has the potential to erode enduring cultures for several reasons. One reason is that traditional cultures might be supplanted by more captivating digital counterparts, which are more engaging and significantly more accessible. Take Water Puppetry, a traditional Vietnamese performing art, for example. It was once a favorite nightly show for Vietnamese children but is now overshadowed by numerous digital-animated cartoons broadcasted daily on TV. Therefore, traditions have insufficient time to be passed down from generation to generation.

Additionally, another reason is the Internet. Social media, with its widespread accessibility, provides countless information, causing people to neglect their traditions. As we spend more time on our smartphones, there is less time for family, resulting in traditions being overlooked and not passed on through generations.

On the other hand, technological advancements could help traditional cultures stay alive and continue developing. This can be achieved by using social media to remind and educate people about these traditions due to its widespread accessibility. This method has already shown its effectiveness in many examples. Hue royal music, for instance, gained popularity and became one of the most widely embraced musical phenomena in the year 2020, thanks to social media.

Another way technology can contribute to saving traditional cultures is by making them more captivating and accessible to a broader audience. Many traditional cultures can be broadcasted live on TV or on social media platforms such as YouTube and Facebook. Moreover, television programs or famous celebrities can use their influence to capture people’s attention and promote traditional cultures.

In conclusion, although technology can have detrimental effects on long-lasting cultures, if we employ them judiciously, traditional cultures can thrive in the modern era.

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