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It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about national history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about national history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Whether national history should take precedence over world history in the education of schoolchildren has been debated as of late. While some argue that national history is of greater importance, I am of the opinion that both domains are crucial in their own ways in shaping well-rounded, informed individuals, so their combination will be an ideal approach.

Granted, proponents of a nation-centric historical narrative often emphasize that it can help children to better appreciate their cultural roots and historical legacy, thereby instilling in them a sense of patriotism and national identity. However, this argument overlooks the fact that national histories are often intertwined with global events, so understanding one's own history in isolation can give rise to an insular perspective. Worse still, focusing solely on national history may cause children to develop an ethnocentric mindset, potentially hindering their ability to appreciate the complexities and interdependencies of the ‘global community in which they live.

For the aforementioned arguments, I believe schoolchildren should be taught about local historical events and those of other countries in tandem. The primary reason is that teaching the latter can equip students with a more comprehensive understanding of human civilization, enabling them to grasp the intricacies of diverse cultures, religions, and political systems. This broader perspective can foster empathy, tolerance, and a more nuanced understanding of global issues. For example, learning about the history of colonization and its impact on various nations can help students recognize the lingering effects of historical injustices and develop a more empathetic stance towards marginalized communities.

In conclusion, while national history plays a pivotal role in cultivating a sense of identity and pride among schoolchildren, it is essential to acknowledge the significance of world history. By incorporating both domains into the curriculum, educators can nurture well-rounded, globally aware individuals who possess the knowledge and empathy necessary to navigate an increasingly interconnected world.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Whether national history should take precedence over world history in the education of schoolchildren has been debated as of late." -> "The debate on whether national history should take precedence over world history in the education of schoolchildren has been ongoing recently."
    Explanation: Replacing "as of late" with "recently" maintains formality, and rephrasing the sentence for clarity adds precision and structure.

  2. "While some argue that national history is of greater importance, I am of the opinion that both domains are crucial in their own ways in shaping well-rounded, informed individuals, so their combination will be an ideal approach." -> "While some contend that national history holds greater significance, I posit that both domains are pivotal in shaping well-rounded, informed individuals, making the integration of both an ideal approach."
    Explanation: Substituting "I am of the opinion that" with "I posit that" and enhancing the phrasing in the latter part of the sentence elevates the level of formality and clarity.

  3. "Granted, proponents of a nation-centric historical narrative often emphasize that it can help children to better appreciate their cultural roots and historical legacy, thereby instilling in them a sense of patriotism and national identity." -> "Granted, advocates of a nation-centric historical narrative often underscore its role in aiding children to better appreciate their cultural roots and historical legacy, thereby instilling in them a sense of patriotism and national identity."
    Explanation: Replacing "it can help" with "underscore its role in aiding" and refining the sentence structure enhances the precision and formality of the expression.

  4. "However, this argument overlooks the fact that national histories are often intertwined with global events, so understanding one’s own history in isolation can give rise to an insular perspective." -> "However, this argument overlooks the intricate connection between national histories and global events; understanding one’s own history in isolation can foster an insular perspective."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for coherence and replacing "give rise to" with "foster" improves clarity and maintains a formal tone.

  5. "Worse still, focusing solely on national history may cause children to develop an ethnocentric mindset, potentially hindering their ability to appreciate the complexities and interdependencies of the ‘global community in which they live." -> "Moreover, concentrating exclusively on national history may lead children to cultivate an ethnocentric mindset, potentially impeding their ability to appreciate the complexities and interdependencies of the global community in which they live."
    Explanation: Substituting "Worse still" with "Moreover" and refining the wording in the latter part of the sentence enhances the formality and precision of the expression.

  6. "For the aforementioned arguments, I believe schoolchildren should be taught about local historical events and those of other countries in tandem." -> "Building on the aforementioned arguments, I assert that schoolchildren should be educated about both local historical events and those of other countries concurrently."
    Explanation: Replacing "I believe" with "I assert" and refining the sentence structure elevates the formality and clarity of the statement.

  7. "The primary reason is that teaching the latter can equip students with a more comprehensive understanding of human civilization, enabling them to grasp the intricacies of diverse cultures, religions, and political systems." -> "The primary rationale is that instructing students about both can provide them with a more comprehensive understanding of human civilization, enabling them to comprehend the intricacies of diverse cultures, religions, and political systems."
    Explanation: Substituting "reason" with "rationale" and refining the wording enhances formality and precision while maintaining clarity.

  8. "This broader perspective can foster empathy, tolerance, and a more nuanced understanding of global issues." -> "Such a broader perspective can cultivate empathy, tolerance, and a more nuanced comprehension of global issues."
    Explanation: Replacing "foster" with "cultivate" and refining the wording improves formality and precision in expressing the idea.

  9. "In conclusion, while national history plays a pivotal role in cultivating a sense of identity and pride among schoolchildren, it is essential to acknowledge the significance of world history." -> "In conclusion, though national history plays a pivotal role in cultivating a sense of identity and pride among schoolchildren, it is imperative to acknowledge the significance of world history."
    Explanation: Substituting "essential" with "imperative" elevates the formality, and replacing "acknowledge" with "acknowledge the significance of" adds precision to the statement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay adeptly addresses all aspects of the prompt. It discusses the importance of both national and world history in shaping well-rounded individuals, offering a nuanced perspective that considers the interplay between the two. Key points are supported by relevant examples throughout the essay, ensuring a comprehensive response.
    • How to Improve: While the essay is strong in this aspect, to further enhance task response, consider providing even more specific examples or elaborating on certain points to strengthen the depth of the argument.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout. It takes a stance in favor of teaching both national and world history and effectively communicates this standpoint from the introduction to the conclusion. The thesis is well-defined, and each paragraph reinforces the central idea.
    • How to Improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, ensure that each paragraph directly connects to the thesis statement. Consider using transitional sentences to seamlessly guide the reader through the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay presents, extends, and supports ideas effectively. Each paragraph is dedicated to a specific aspect of the argument, and ideas are well-developed with supporting examples. The discussion on the potential drawbacks of focusing solely on national history is particularly well-elaborated.
    • How to Improve: While the essay is strong in its presentation, extending ideas further by delving into additional layers of complexity or providing more varied examples could enhance the overall depth of the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay consistently stays on topic, addressing the importance of national and world history in the education of schoolchildren. It successfully avoids irrelevant information and maintains a clear focus on the prompt throughout.
    • How to Improve: Continue to exercise caution in ensuring that each paragraph directly contributes to the central argument. Consider refining topic sentences to explicitly connect each paragraph to the essay’s overall theme.

Overall Feedback:

This essay is exemplary in meeting the criteria for Task Response. It provides a well-structured, nuanced, and cohesive response to the prompt. The incorporation of specific examples and the thoughtful exploration of both perspectives contribute to the essay’s overall strength. To enhance further, consider adding more depth to specific points and ensuring seamless transitions between paragraphs. Overall, an excellent piece of writing.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable level of logical organization. The introduction sets the stage by presenting the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs follow a clear structure, with each one addressing a specific aspect of the argument. The use of examples is effective in supporting the points made. The conclusion neatly summarizes the main arguments without introducing new ideas.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transition phrases between paragraphs to guide the reader through the progression of ideas. For instance, phrases like "Moreover," or "In addition to this," can help strengthen the connections between arguments.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs, each dedicated to a distinct idea or supporting point. The structure within paragraphs is sound, with a clear topic sentence followed by supporting details and examples. This contributes to the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: While the essay maintains a good paragraph structure, ensure that the topic sentences explicitly convey the main idea of each paragraph. This clarity will aid readers in quickly grasping the focus of each section.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: Cohesive devices are used proficiently throughout the essay. Transition words and phrases, such as "Granted," and "In conclusion," help connect ideas and guide the reader through the argument. Pronouns and reference words are appropriately utilized for coherence.
    • How to improve: To further diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating a variety of synonyms for commonly used transition words. Additionally, be mindful of the frequency of certain terms to avoid repetition and add sophistication to the writing.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, earning a Band Score of 7. To further elevate the score, focus on enhancing the use of transition phrases, ensuring explicit topic sentences, and incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable command of vocabulary, incorporating a variety of terms to convey ideas effectively. For instance, the use of phrases such as "nation-centric historical narrative," "insular perspective," and "ethnocentric mindset" showcases a nuanced vocabulary. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the choice of synonyms for commonly used words such as "important" and "crucial."
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of vocabulary, consider exploring alternative terms for frequently used words. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "important" or "crucial," experiment with synonyms like "vital," "paramount," or "essential." This will add more depth and richness to the expression without compromising clarity.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, articulating ideas clearly and effectively. For instance, the use of "instilling in them a sense of patriotism and national identity" and "potentially hindering their ability to appreciate the complexities" illustrates precise expression. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise, such as the use of "diverse cultures" – specifying which cultures could provide more clarity.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, consider specifying details where possible. Instead of "diverse cultures," specify the particular cultures under consideration. For example, "various indigenous cultures" or "cultures from different regions" would add specificity and clarity to the expression.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a high level of spelling accuracy throughout, with no apparent spelling errors observed. The writer consistently employs correct spelling, contributing to the overall professionalism of the essay.
    • How to improve: As spelling is already accurate, the focus can be on maintaining this level of precision. Continue proofreading essays for any potential errors, and consider expanding your vocabulary further to consistently incorporate complex terms without compromising spelling accuracy.

Overall, the essay exhibits a strong lexical resource, with a sophisticated vocabulary that contributes to the coherence and effectiveness of the argument. To further elevate the lexical quality, aim for even greater variety in synonyms for common terms and ensure precision in expression, particularly when discussing diverse concepts. Maintain the excellent spelling accuracy observed in this essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. It effectively employs complex sentences, compound sentences, and some rhetorical devices, such as parallelism. For instance, the use of phrases like "Granted," and "However, this argument overlooks…" adds sophistication to the writing. The varied structures contribute to the overall fluency and coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: While the essay exhibits a good range of structures, further diversification could enhance its richness. Consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as conditional sentences or inverted sentence patterns. This would elevate the writing style and contribute to an even more nuanced expression of ideas.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a high level of grammatical accuracy. Sentences are well-constructed, and there are minimal grammatical errors. Punctuation is generally used correctly, enhancing the clarity of the essay. One notable strength is the appropriate use of commas in complex sentences.
    • How to improve: To maintain this high level of accuracy, continue proofreading for minor errors. While the essay is largely free from grammatical issues, there are a few instances where sentence structures could be refined for greater clarity. For example, in the sentence, "While national history plays a pivotal role…," the addition of a comma after "While" would enhance readability.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy. To further enhance the score, continue refining sentence structures and meticulously proofread for minor grammatical nuances. The writing style is engaging and well-suited to the formal requirements of academic essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

The ongoing debate on whether national history should be prioritized over world history in schoolchildren’s education has sparked discussions. While some argue that national history holds greater significance, I contend that both realms are pivotal in shaping well-rounded, informed individuals, making the integration of both an ideal approach.

Advocates of a nation-centric historical narrative often stress its role in helping children better appreciate their cultural roots and historical legacy, instilling in them a sense of patriotism and national identity. However, this argument overlooks the intricate connection between national histories and global events; understanding one’s own history in isolation can foster an insular perspective. Moreover, focusing exclusively on national history may lead children to develop an ethnocentric mindset, potentially impeding their ability to appreciate the complexities and interdependencies of the global community in which they live.

Building on the aforementioned arguments, I assert that schoolchildren should be educated about both local historical events and those of other countries concurrently. The primary rationale is that instructing students about both can provide them with a more comprehensive understanding of human civilization, enabling them to comprehend the intricacies of diverse cultures, religions, and political systems. Such a broader perspective can cultivate empathy, tolerance, and a more nuanced comprehension of global issues.

In conclusion, though national history plays a pivotal role in cultivating a sense of identity and pride among schoolchildren, it is imperative to acknowledge the significance of world history. By incorporating both into the curriculum, educators can nurture well-rounded, globally aware individuals who possess the knowledge and empathy necessary to navigate an increasingly interconnected world.

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