it is said that government should focus on housing development as well as environment pollution to deal with illnesss and diseases. do you agree or disagree

In the contemporary era, issues of illness and diseases have dealt a fatal blow on the qualities of individuals’ lives, sparking a debate about governmental role of placing emphasis on pollution problems and accommodation development to remedy social health- related issues. This essay is written in a manner of approving that role of government as it is imperative address societal illness among individuals.
First, proponents of the idea that governmental efforts should be put in address illnesses believe that poor quality of environment could be the culprit of illnesses sprouting in society. This is because substandard quality of air, water consumed by residents potentially result in detrimental illnesses, contributing an increasing death toll in humans. Individuals taking up residence near a polluted river, for instance, could be adversely affected as air pollution could damage the breathing system of people living nearby. Food, specifically fish, accumulated from polluted water would definitely a toxic source, perpetuating a potential danger to human. Therefore, the absence of environment pollution is crucial to how prosperous human could be, and focusing on remedying air pollution, for example, could contribute to a potential absence of illnesses individual ought to encounter.
Second, the supporters also assume that government role should deal living conditions. Inadequacy of living space would pack individuals into confined accommodation, contributing to excessive human interactions. This leads to the creation of contagious environment for diseases, resulting in the imminent spread of virus, making society aggravated by virus. Covid, for instance, was a notable case of how contagious this virus is when the more crowded a place was the more individuals are prone to infections. This showcases a wake-up call to see how important and crucial it is to accommodate citizens standard living places to live so as human could shun away from illnesses. Therefore, it is imperative for citizens to request attention of government in addressing health issues by providing better accommodations.
In conclusion, it is legitimate for residents to request governmental effort in proliferating quality of accommodation as well as environment so as to address the health problems.

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Errors and Improvements:

"dealt a fatal blow on the qualities of individuals’ lives" -> "exerted a significant impact on the quality of individuals’ lives"
Explanation: "Dealt a fatal blow" is too informal and emotive for academic writing. "Exerted a significant impact" maintains formality while conveying the same idea more precisely.
"placing emphasis on pollution problems and accommodation development" -> "addressing pollution issues and housing development"
Explanation: "Placing emphasis on" is somewhat redundant and informal. "Addressing pollution issues and housing development" offers a more direct and formal expression of the intended meaning.
"as it is imperative address societal illness among individuals" -> "as it is imperative to address societal health issues"
Explanation: "Societal illness among individuals" is awkward and unclear. "Societal health issues" is more precise and maintains formal tone.
"governmental efforts should be put in address illnesses" -> "governmental efforts should be focused on addressing illnesses"
Explanation: "Governmental efforts should be put in address illnesses" lacks clarity and formal structure. "Governmental efforts should be focused on addressing illnesses" is clearer and more formal.
"culprit of illnesses sprouting in society" -> "cause of illnesses emerging in society"
Explanation: "Culprit of illnesses sprouting" is informal and imprecise. "Cause of illnesses emerging" is more formal and clear.
"potentially result in detrimental illnesses" -> "potentially result in harmful illnesses"
Explanation: "Detrimental illnesses" is slightly informal. "Harmful illnesses" maintains formality and clarity.
"contributing an increasing death toll in humans" -> "contributing to a rising human death toll"
Explanation: "Contributing an increasing death toll in humans" is awkwardly phrased. "Contributing to a rising human death toll" is more concise and formal.
"adversely affected as air pollution could damage the breathing system" -> "adversely affected as air pollution can harm the respiratory system"
Explanation: "Damage the breathing system" is overly simplistic. "Harm the respiratory system" is a more precise and formal expression.
"would definitely a toxic source" -> "would indeed be a toxic source"
Explanation: "Would definitely a toxic source" is grammatically incorrect. "Would indeed be a toxic source" is grammatically accurate and maintains formality.
"potential absence of illnesses individual ought to encounter" -> "potential reduction in illnesses individuals may encounter"
Explanation: "Absence of illnesses individual ought to encounter" is awkwardly phrased. "Reduction in illnesses individuals may encounter" is clearer and more formal.
"the supporters also assume that government role should deal living conditions" -> "supporters also argue that the government should address living conditions"
Explanation: "Government role should deal living conditions" is awkwardly structured. "Government should address living conditions" is clearer and more formal.
"contributing to excessive human interactions" -> "leading to increased human interaction"
Explanation: "Contributing to excessive human interactions" is slightly informal. "Leading to increased human interaction" maintains formality and clarity.
"making society aggravated by virus" -> "resulting in societal vulnerability to viruses"
Explanation: "Making society aggravated by virus" is unclear and informal. "Resulting in societal vulnerability to viruses" is more formal and precise.
"how contagious this virus is when the more crowded a place was" -> "the contagiousness of this virus in densely populated areas"
Explanation: "When the more crowded a place was" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "In densely populated areas" is more precise and formal.
"it is imperative for citizens to request attention of government" -> "it is imperative for citizens to call upon the government’s attention"
Explanation: "Request attention of government" is somewhat informal. "Call upon the government’s attention" maintains formality and clarity.
"proliferating quality of accommodation" -> "improving the quality of housing"
Explanation: "Proliferating quality of accommodation" is awkwardly phrased. "Improving the quality of housing" is clearer and more formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing the importance of addressing environmental pollution and housing development to mitigate health issues. It acknowledges the significance of government intervention in these areas.
- How to improve: While the essay adequately addresses both parts of the question, a more balanced discussion could enhance the depth of analysis. Providing equal attention to both housing development and environmental pollution, with specific examples and statistics, would strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance in favor of government intervention to address health issues through improvements in both environmental conditions and housing standards. The position is clearly articulated in the introduction and reiterated throughout the body paragraphs.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, ensure that each paragraph directly reinforces the central thesis. Clearly state the position in the topic sentences of each paragraph and provide supporting evidence and analysis to strengthen the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the impact of environmental pollution and inadequate housing on health, extending them with examples such as air and water pollution contributing to illnesses and crowded living conditions exacerbating the spread of diseases like COVID-19.
- How to improve: To further extend and support ideas, include additional evidence such as research findings, case studies, or expert opinions. This would provide depth to the argument and make it more persuasive.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by discussing the relevance of government focus on housing development and environmental pollution to combat illnesses and diseases. However, there are some instances of tangential discussion, such as the mention of COVID-19, which could be more directly linked to the main argument.
- How to improve: Maintain a tighter focus on the main points outlined in the prompt. Avoid tangents that do not directly contribute to the central argument. If mentioning specific examples like COVID-19, ensure they are closely tied to the discussion of housing and environmental issues.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains a clear position throughout, there are opportunities for improvement in providing a more balanced discussion, reinforcing ideas with additional evidence, and staying closely aligned with the main topic. Strengthening these aspects would enhance the coherence and persuasiveness of the argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with an introduction that presents the topic and the writer’s stance clearly. The body paragraphs follow a coherent structure, each addressing a separate argument in support of the government’s role in addressing illness through housing development and environmental protection. However, there are instances where the progression of ideas could be smoother. For example, the transition between the first and second body paragraphs could be improved to enhance the overall flow of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using more explicit transitions between paragraphs to guide the reader through the progression of ideas. For instance, using phrases like "Furthermore" or "In addition" can help connect ideas more effectively and improve the overall coherence of the essay.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to structure its content. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument, with clear topic sentences and supporting details. However, there is room for improvement in paragraph unity and coherence. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas that could be better separated for clarity and coherence.
- How to improve: Aim for greater paragraph unity by focusing each paragraph on a single main idea or argument. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller, more focused ones to improve clarity and coherence. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that previews the main point of the paragraph.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and create coherence. These include transitional phrases such as "First," "Second," and "In conclusion," which help to signal the structure of the essay and guide the reader through the argument. Additionally, cohesive devices such as pronouns ("This," "These") and demonstratives ("For instance") are used to refer back to previous ideas and introduce examples, enhancing the overall cohesion of the essay.
- How to improve: While the essay effectively uses some cohesive devices, there is room to expand the range and variety of these devices for greater coherence. Consider incorporating a wider range of transitional phrases and connectors to create smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, pay attention to the consistent use of pronouns and demonstratives to maintain clarity and coherence throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary by employing various words and phrases throughout. For instance, it utilizes terms like "contemporary era," "proponents," "culprit," "substandard," "prosperous," "remedying," "inadequacy," "confined," "contagious," "aggravated," "proliferating," and more. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more diverse and nuanced to elevate the lexical richness further.
- How to improve: To enhance the breadth and depth of vocabulary usage, consider incorporating more sophisticated synonyms or specific terminology related to the discussed concepts. For example, instead of repeatedly using "illnesses," explore synonyms like "ailments," "maladies," or "afflictions." Additionally, aim to incorporate specialized vocabulary related to environmental pollution and housing development to add precision and depth to your arguments.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with moderate precision. However, there are instances where word choice could be more precise to convey intended meanings more accurately. For instance, phrases like "fatal blow on the qualities of individuals’ lives" could be refined for clarity and precision.
- How to improve: Focus on selecting words and phrases that precisely convey your intended meanings without ambiguity. Avoid overly vague or generalized terms that may obscure your message. Consider revising sentences for clarity and specificity, ensuring that each word contributes directly to the clarity and accuracy of your argument.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally acceptable, with few noticeable errors. However, there are a couple of instances where minor spelling errors are present, such as "address" misspelled as "adress" and "legitimate" misspelled as "legitimate."
- How to improve: Pay close attention to spellings during the writing process, and consider utilizing spell-check tools to identify and correct any errors. Additionally, reviewing your writing carefully before submission can help catch and rectify any spelling mistakes. Developing a habit of proofreading can significantly enhance spelling accuracy in your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures. There is evidence of complex sentences, such as the introductory sentence: "In the contemporary era, issues of illness and diseases have dealt a fatal blow on the qualities of individuals’ lives, sparking a debate about governmental role of placing emphasis on pollution problems and accommodation development to remedy social health-related issues." However, the majority of the essay relies on relatively simple structures, with limited use of complex compound or compound-complex sentences.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical range, incorporate a wider variety of sentence structures throughout the essay. This could involve using more complex compound or compound-complex sentences to convey ideas with greater depth and sophistication. For instance, integrating subordinate clauses or employing different types of phrases (e.g., participial phrases, gerund phrases) can help vary the structure and rhythm of sentences, contributing to a more engaging and cohesive essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally accurate grammar and punctuation, but there are instances of errors and inconsistencies throughout. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("proponents of the idea that governmental efforts should be put in address illnesses believe") and articles ("the absence of environment pollution is crucial to how prosperous human could be"). Additionally, punctuation errors, such as missing commas after introductory phrases ("First, proponents of the idea that governmental efforts should be put in address illnesses believe"), contribute to occasional disruptions in clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it’s essential to review and revise sentences for subject-verb agreement, article usage, and punctuation consistency. Proofreading the essay carefully can help identify and correct these errors. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or instructors on specific grammatical issues can provide valuable insights for improvement. Consider consulting grammar guides or resources to reinforce understanding and application of grammar rules in writing. Additionally, practicing writing with a focus on grammar and punctuation can help develop proficiency over time.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and punctuation, there is room for improvement in both grammatical range and accuracy to achieve a higher band score. Incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures and refining grammar and punctuation skills through practice and feedback will contribute to enhancing the overall quality of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s world, the scourge of illness and diseases has significantly impacted people’s lives, sparking a debate on whether governments should prioritize addressing pollution issues and housing development to tackle societal health challenges. This essay advocates for governmental involvement in addressing these issues, as it is crucial to tackle societal illnesses.

Firstly, advocates for governmental intervention argue that environmental factors may be the root cause of emerging illnesses in society. Poor air and water quality can potentially lead to harmful illnesses, contributing to an increasing death toll. For instance, individuals residing near polluted rivers may suffer adverse effects on their respiratory systems due to air pollution. Moreover, consuming food, such as fish, contaminated by polluted water sources poses a significant health risk. Thus, addressing environmental pollution, particularly air pollution, could lead to a reduction in illnesses individuals may face.

Secondly, supporters also contend that the government should address living conditions. Inadequate living spaces often force people into cramped accommodations, increasing human interaction and creating environments conducive to the spread of diseases. This heightened interaction has been evident in the case of contagious diseases like Covid-19, where densely populated areas experienced a rapid spread of the virus. This underscores the importance of providing standard living spaces to mitigate the risk of illnesses. Therefore, it is essential for citizens to call upon the government to improve the quality of housing to safeguard public health.

In conclusion, it is reasonable for citizens to urge governmental action to enhance the quality of both accommodation and the environment to address health challenges effectively.