Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Health plays an essential role in our life. However, there are many children who have an unhealthy lifestyle that affects their own health and parents and schools must be responsible. In this essay, I will discuss this statement.

To begin with, living in today's technologically developed society, teenagers often stare at their phones instead of going out and playing with their friends. For example, in our grandparents' generation, science and technology have not yet developed, so every time they finish their assigned homework, they will go out to help their family with work or communicate with friends, this is simple but can make the relationship closer.

Not only that, the truth is that currently educational institutions pay little attention to the physical issues of youth. In average, children only have 2-3 physical education classes at school per week. Furthermore, teachers rarely disseminate physical knowledge, they only focus on learning awareness and the lessons they teach to students in most schools in Viet Nam.

In conclusion, according to what I shared above. I completely agree that parents and schools need to be more responsible for educating children, teenagers to have a healthy lifestyle.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"plays an essential role" -> "plays a pivotal role"
Explanation: "Plays a pivotal role" maintains the importance of health in our lives while using a more sophisticated phrase commonly found in academic writing.
"there are many children who have an unhealthy lifestyle" -> "many children lead unhealthy lifestyles"
Explanation: "Lead unhealthy lifestyles" is a more concise and active phrase, which is preferred in academic writing.
"affects their own health" -> "impacts their health"
Explanation: "Impacts their health" is a more formal and precise term for describing the effect of an unhealthy lifestyle on the children.
"parents and schools must be responsible" -> "parents and schools must assume responsibility"
Explanation: "Assume responsibility" is a more formal expression for indicating the obligation of parents and schools, fitting the academic style.
"stare at their phones" -> "spend excessive time on their phones"
Explanation: "Spend excessive time on their phones" conveys the idea of prolonged phone usage more precisely and formally.
"going out and playing with their friends" -> "engaging in outdoor activities with their peers"
Explanation: "Engaging in outdoor activities with their peers" is a more sophisticated and formal way to describe social interactions among teenagers.
"science and technology have not yet developed" -> "science and technology were not as advanced"
Explanation: "Were not as advanced" is a more accurate and formal phrase to describe the state of science and technology in the past.
"this is simple but can make the relationship closer" -> "this simple practice fosters closer relationships"
Explanation: "Fosters closer relationships" is a more formal and precise way to express the idea of strengthening interpersonal bonds.
"Not only that, the truth is that" -> "Moreover, it is evident that"
Explanation: "Moreover, it is evident that" transitions more smoothly into the next point and maintains a formal tone.
"rarely disseminate physical knowledge" -> "rarely impart knowledge about physical well-being"
Explanation: "Impart knowledge about physical well-being" is a more formal and academic expression to describe the role of teachers in educating students about health.
"they only focus on learning awareness" -> "they solely prioritize cognitive awareness"
Explanation: "Solely prioritize cognitive awareness" is a more precise and formal way to describe the focus of teachers in this context.
"According to what I shared above" -> "In light of the aforementioned points"
Explanation: "In light of the aforementioned points" is a formal transition that leads into the conclusion more effectively.
"I completely agree" -> "I firmly support"
Explanation: "I firmly support" adds emphasis and formality to the statement of agreement in the conclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing the responsibility of parents and schools in addressing children’s unhealthy lifestyles. However, the discussion lacks depth and comprehensive analysis. While it acknowledges the issue and briefly mentions the roles of parents and schools, it does not fully explore the extent of their responsibility or consider counterarguments.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should thoroughly analyze the roles of both parents and schools in addressing children’s unhealthy lifestyles. It should consider various perspectives and provide specific examples or evidence to support its arguments. Additionally, it should directly respond to all aspects of the prompt to demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the issue.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that parents and schools are responsible for addressing children’s unhealthy lifestyles. This stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion, providing consistency throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain clarity and consistency, the essay should ensure that each paragraph and argument directly supports the stated position. It should avoid ambiguity or contradictory statements to strengthen the overall coherence of the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks elaboration and support. While it mentions the impact of technology on children’s lifestyles and the role of schools in physical education, it lacks depth and specificity. Examples provided are limited and not well-developed, which weakens the overall argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation of ideas, the essay should provide more detailed examples, statistics, or research findings to support its claims. It should also extend the discussion by considering various perspectives or addressing potential counterarguments. Additionally, linking ideas more cohesively within paragraphs can strengthen the overall structure of the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the role of parents and schools in addressing children’s unhealthy lifestyles. However, there are instances where the discussion veers off course, such as the brief mention of technology’s impact on intergenerational relationships.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should avoid tangential discussions and ensure that all points directly relate to the main topic. It should prioritize addressing the prompt’s specific components without deviating into unrelated issues. Revising for coherence and relevance can help strengthen the essay’s overall argumentation.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt to organize information logically by presenting an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are some areas where the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the essay lacks a clear thesis statement in the introduction, which would provide a roadmap for the reader. Additionally, the body paragraphs could be more effectively structured to develop the argument in a more cohesive manner. The transition between ideas could also be smoother to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider starting the essay with a clear thesis statement that outlines the main points to be discussed. Each body paragraph should focus on a single idea supported by examples or evidence. Use transition words and phrases to connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs, creating a smoother flow of information.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to separate different ideas, but the structure and effectiveness of these paragraphs could be improved. Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main point or aspect of the argument, supported by relevant examples or evidence. However, some paragraphs in the essay contain multiple ideas, leading to confusion and a lack of coherence. Additionally, the concluding paragraph is abrupt and does not effectively summarize the main points of the essay.
- How to improve: Aim to create well-structured paragraphs that focus on one main idea each. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main point. Provide supporting details or examples to develop the idea further. Ensure that there is a logical progression of ideas from one paragraph to the next. In the conclusion, summarize the main arguments presented in the essay and restate the thesis statement to provide closure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "to begin with," "not only that," "in conclusion"). However, the variety and effectiveness of these cohesive devices could be improved to enhance coherence. Additionally, there are instances where the connection between ideas within and between paragraphs is not clearly established, affecting the overall cohesion of the essay.
- How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used throughout the essay to create stronger connections between ideas. This could include using a wider range of transition words and phrases (e.g., furthermore, moreover, consequently) to indicate the relationship between different points. Ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to clarify the relationships between ideas and improve the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, pay attention to the logical flow between paragraphs to ensure a smooth transition between ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is some variety in word choice, such as "unhealthy lifestyle," "technologically developed society," "physical issues," and "educational institutions." However, there is room for improvement as some phrases are repeated (e.g., "unhealthy lifestyle" is used twice), and certain concepts could be expressed with more diverse vocabulary.
- How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, consider incorporating synonyms and varying sentence structures. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "unhealthy lifestyle," try alternatives like "unwholesome habits" or "sedentary behavior." Additionally, expand your vocabulary by exploring related terms in the context of health, education, and technology to enrich your essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The vocabulary usage in the essay is generally appropriate, but there are instances of imprecise language. For example, the phrase "science and technology have not yet developed" could be more accurately expressed as "the level of scientific and technological advancement was lower." Additionally, the term "physical issues" lacks specificity and could be clarified to specify whether it refers to health problems or concerns related to physical activity.
- How to improve: Aim for precision in vocabulary by selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Utilize specific terminology relevant to the topic, such as "sedentary lifestyle" instead of "physical issues," and ensure that your language accurately reflects the context. Consider using a thesaurus or consulting academic sources to find more precise vocabulary options.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally acceptable in the essay, with only minor errors observed (e.g., "Viet Nam" should be "Vietnam" as per standard English spelling). However, there are no significant spelling mistakes that impede understanding.
- How to improve: Maintain the current level of spelling accuracy by proofreading your work carefully before submission. Consider using spelling and grammar checking tools or asking a peer to review your essay for any overlooked errors. Additionally, familiarize yourself with common spelling conventions in English to minimize mistakes.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a decent variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. Simple sentences like "Health plays an essential role in our life" effectively convey straightforward ideas, while compound sentences like "However, there are many children who have an unhealthy lifestyle that affects their own health and parents and schools must be responsible" combine two related ideas. Moreover, there is an attempt at using complex sentences, such as "For example, in our grandparents’ generation, science and technology have not yet developed, so every time they finish their assigned homework, they will go out to help their family with work or communicate with friends, this is simple but can make the relationship closer," though it could be improved for clarity and coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, aim for clearer and more concise complex sentences. Break down longer sentences into shorter, more digestible chunks to improve readability. Additionally, incorporate diverse sentence types, such as compound-complex sentences, to add richness and depth to your writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates satisfactory grammatical accuracy with only minor errors. However, there are a few instances where subject-verb agreement issues arise, such as "teachers rarely disseminate physical knowledge, they only focus on learning awareness and the lessons they teach to students in most schools in Viet Nam." Additionally, there are punctuation errors, including missing commas and a lack of clarity in sentence structure.
- How to improve: Focus on refining subject-verb agreement to ensure consistency throughout the essay. For instance, revise the aforementioned sentence to read: "teachers rarely disseminate physical knowledge; instead, they solely focus on raising awareness and delivering lessons to students in most schools in Vietnam." Pay attention to punctuation rules, particularly the use of commas to clarify sentence structure and aid readability. Consider utilizing grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers to catch and correct errors effectively.

Bài sửa mẫu

Health plays a pivotal role in our lives. However, many children lead unhealthy lifestyles which impacts their health, and both parents and schools must assume responsibility. In this essay, I will discuss this statement.

To begin with, in today’s technologically advanced society, teenagers often spend excessive time on their phones rather than engaging in outdoor activities with their peers. For example, in our grandparents’ generation, science and technology were not as advanced, so every time they finished their assigned homework, they would go out to help their family with work or communicate with friends. This simple practice fosters closer relationships.

Moreover, it is evident that educational institutions currently pay little attention to the physical well-being of youth. On average, children only have 2-3 physical education classes at school per week. Furthermore, teachers rarely impart knowledge about physical well-being; they solely prioritize cognitive awareness and the lessons they teach to students in most schools in Vietnam.

In light of the aforementioned points, I firmly support the idea that parents and schools need to be more responsible for educating children and teenagers to have a healthy lifestyle.