Many employees can now do their work from home using modern technology. However, this change may only benefit workers, not the employers. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Many employees can now do their work from home using modern technology. However, this change may only benefit workers, not the employers.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In today’s society, It is prevalent for employees to prioritize remote working, and this probably gives more advantages for only workers compared to recruiters. While I acknowledge the logic behind this view, I still disagree with it for several reasons.
There are compelling reasons to argue that working from home would be beneficial to workers. Firstly, remote occupation can help individuals manage their timetable, allowing them to not only balance their working but also add an extra timing for participating in other courses, consisting in languages and technical skills which can aid them in the various fields. This leads to enhancing their value in the workforce and adapting with numerous jobs and distinct departments. Another reason is that online working allows workers to save the proportion of living cost. This can be explained that living peoples’ budgets can be divided into numerous proportions, including food, personal desire, family and transportation. Online working, thus, can allow them to minimize the time to relocate from home to a company, resulting in saving the cost of transportation which comes from means’ fuel, the ticket of public transport and so on.
Moreover, the argument advocating for working from home is also advantageous for employers for many reasons. Firstly, hiring employees working from home allows the recruiter to access a massive number of professional workers. Specifically, despite geography location, the recruiter can observe the high probability of workers who own a professional level, fostering to develop business. Finally, online jobs enable employers to save significant costs for workers. Recruiting remote workers would deplet a huge amount of cost which is solely intended for employees, including the cost of equipment, amenities (electronic devices), meals, beverages, hiring office and warranty. This leads business to use this cost for subsidizing other types which contribute to the cultivation of business.
In conclusion, I am of the opinion that remote occupations pose a positive influence for not only workers but also employers because this helps reduce a huge amount of budget, and recruiting talents, as well as allowing employees to enhance their working experience.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "It is prevalent for employees to prioritize remote working" -> "It is common for employees to prioritize remote work"
   Explanation: "Prevalent" is less common in academic writing and is more suitable for casual conversation. "Remote working" can be replaced with "remote work" for brevity without losing meaning.

2. "this probably gives more advantages for only workers compared to recruiters" -> "this likely provides more advantages for employees compared to employers"
   Explanation: "Probably" is too uncertain for academic writing; "likely" is a more suitable alternative. "Only workers" can be replaced with "employees" for clarity and formality. "Recruiters" should be replaced with "employers" to accurately reflect the comparison being made.

3. "While I acknowledge the logic behind this view" -> "While I understand the rationale behind this perspective"
   Explanation: "Acknowledge" is acceptable but "understand" is more precise and fitting. "Logic" can be replaced with "rationale" for variety and formality.

4. "There are compelling reasons to argue that working from home would be beneficial to workers" -> "Several compelling reasons support the notion that remote work is advantageous for employees"
   Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality. "Compelling reasons to argue" can be simplified to "several compelling reasons support." "Beneficial to workers" can be replaced with "advantageous for employees" for a more formal tone.

5. "consisting in languages and technical skills which can aid them in the various fields" -> "including language and technical skills that can enhance their proficiency in diverse fields"
   Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality. "Consisting in" can be simplified to "including." "Aid them in the various fields" can be replaced with "enhance their proficiency in diverse fields" for specificity and formality.

6. "This leads to enhancing their value in the workforce and adapting with numerous jobs and distinct departments" -> "This enhances their value in the workforce and facilitates adaptation to various roles and departments"
   Explanation: Simplifying and restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality. "Leads to enhancing" can be simplified to "enhances." "Adapting with numerous jobs" can be replaced with "facilitates adaptation to various roles" for clarity.

7. "online working allows workers to save the proportion of living cost" -> "remote work enables employees to reduce living expenses"
   Explanation: "Online working" can be replaced with "remote work" for clarity and conciseness. "Proportion of living cost" can be simplified to "living expenses."

8. "This can be explained that living peoples’ budgets can be divided into numerous proportions" -> "This is because individuals allocate their budgets to various expenses"
   Explanation: Clarifying and simplifying the sentence for clarity. "Can be explained that" is unnecessary and can be omitted. "Living peoples’" can be simplified to "individuals’."

9. "This leads business to use this cost for subsidizing other types which contribute to the cultivation of business" -> "This enables businesses to reallocate these savings to other areas, fostering business growth"
   Explanation: Restructuring and clarifying the sentence for coherence and formality. "Leads business to use this cost" can be replaced with "enables businesses to reallocate these savings." "Subsidizing other types which contribute to the cultivation of business" can be replaced with "reallocate these savings to other areas, fostering business growth" for clarity and precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the argument. It acknowledges the benefits of remote working for employees while also considering potential advantages for employers. The writer expresses disagreement with the notion that only workers benefit from this arrangement and provides reasons to support this stance.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, provide more explicit acknowledgment of the employers’ perspective in the introduction. Additionally, ensure that each reason provided directly relates to the prompt and is thoroughly developed to strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, disagreeing with the idea that only workers benefit from remote working. However, there are some instances where the argument seems slightly ambiguous, especially in the conclusion where the benefits for employers are emphasized. While the writer ultimately reiterates their disagreement with the prompt, the clarity could be enhanced.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, ensure that each paragraph consistently reinforces the main argument against the prompt statement. Avoid introducing elements that may inadvertently support the opposing view.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth and clarity in their development. While the writer mentions potential benefits for both workers and employers, these points are not thoroughly explored or supported with specific examples or evidence. The ideas are somewhat repetitive and need further elaboration to strengthen the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve idea presentation and development, provide specific examples or case studies to illustrate the benefits of remote working for both employees and employers. Additionally, ensure each point is clearly articulated and supported with relevant evidence or reasoning.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the benefits of remote working for both employees and employers. However, there are instances where the discussion veers slightly off topic, such as when discussing the costs saved by employees due to remote working. While related, this tangent could have been more tightly linked to the main argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus on the topic, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the central argument of whether remote working benefits only workers or also employers. Avoid introducing tangential points that distract from the main discussion.

Overall, while the essay adequately addresses the prompt and presents a clear position, there is room for improvement in idea development and staying fully on topic. By providing more depth, clarity, and focus, the essay could strengthen its argument and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt at organization, with distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, there are areas where the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits for workers to benefits for employers could be smoother. Additionally, the essay lacks clear topic sentences at the beginning of each body paragraph, making it slightly challenging for readers to follow the main points.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider providing clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to signal the main idea. Additionally, ensure smooth transitions between ideas, particularly when shifting between discussing benefits for workers and employers. Using phrases like "Furthermore" or "In addition" can aid in connecting ideas seamlessly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into paragraphs, but their effectiveness varies. Each paragraph attempts to address a specific aspect of the topic, but some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear separation. For example, the second paragraph discusses both the advantages of remote work for workers and the savings in living costs. This could be split into two paragraphs for better clarity.
  • How to improve: Focus on maintaining a single main idea per paragraph to improve coherence. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into shorter ones to enhance readability and clarity. Each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence that introduces the main point of that paragraph.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases like "firstly" and "moreover." However, there is limited variety in cohesive devices used, which affects the overall cohesion of the essay. Additionally, some transitions between ideas feel abrupt, impacting the flow of the essay.
  • How to improve: Aim to diversify the use of cohesive devices beyond simple transitional phrases. Incorporate a variety of connectors such as "however," "nevertheless," and "in contrast" to provide a smoother transition between ideas. Pay attention to the logical progression of arguments to ensure a cohesive flow throughout the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of coherence and cohesion, there is room for improvement in terms of clearer organization, more effective paragraphing, and diversification of cohesive devices to enhance the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with varied word choices throughout. For instance, words such as "prevalent," "timetable," "fostering," and "deplete" showcase the writer’s attempt to employ diverse vocabulary. However, some of the vocabulary choices could be further refined for clarity and precision.
  • How to improve: While the essay exhibits a wide range of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of appropriateness and precision. Instead of opting for complex words solely for the sake of variety, strive for clarity and relevance. Ensure that each word contributes directly to the overall coherence and persuasiveness of your argument. Additionally, consider incorporating domain-specific terminology related to employment, technology, and economics to bolster the credibility and depth of your analysis.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally precise use of vocabulary, with attempts to convey specific meanings. For example, phrases like "balance their working," "save the proportion of living cost," and "massive number of professional workers" show an intention to communicate clearly. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise to avoid ambiguity or confusion.
  • How to improve: Aim for greater precision by selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Avoid vague or overly general terms that may obscure your message. For instance, instead of "balance their working," consider specifying what aspect of work is being balanced, such as "manage their workload." Similarly, replace phrases like "save the proportion of living cost" with more precise descriptions of cost-saving measures, such as "reduce commuting expenses." Additionally, utilize vocabulary that is directly relevant to the topic to strengthen the coherence and persuasiveness of your argument.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally acceptable level of spelling accuracy, with few noticeable errors. However, there are some instances of misspelled words, such as "deplet" (should be "deplete") and "consisting" (should be "consist"). Overall, the spelling errors do not significantly detract from the overall coherence and readability of the essay.
  • How to improve: Enhance spelling accuracy through systematic proofreading and spell-checking processes. Prioritize thorough revision to identify and correct any misspelled words or typographical errors. Additionally, consider expanding your vocabulary through reading and vocabulary-building exercises to reinforce correct spelling patterns and increase familiarity with commonly misspelled words. Developing a habit of consulting dictionaries or online resources for unfamiliar words can also contribute to improved spelling accuracy over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly good range of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For instance, there is a mix of simple sentences ("In conclusion, I am of the opinion that remote occupations pose a positive influence…") and more complex ones ("Moreover, the argument advocating for working from home is also advantageous for employers for many reasons"). However, there is room for improvement in the variety and sophistication of sentence structures. Some sentences tend to be repetitive in structure, which can impact the overall flow and readability of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, try incorporating more complex sentence patterns such as conditional sentences, passive voice constructions, and introductory phrases or clauses. Varying the length and structure of sentences can contribute to a more engaging and polished writing style. Additionally, consider using rhetorical devices such as parallelism or rhetorical questions to add depth to your arguments.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a good level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are some instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that could be improved. For example, in the sentence "In today’s society, It is prevalent for employees to prioritize remote working," the capitalization of "It" is unnecessary, and the phrasing could be more concise and clear. Additionally, there are a few instances where subject-verb agreement is not consistent, such as "Firstly, hiring employees working from home allows the recruiter to access a massive number of professional workers."
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it’s essential to review and revise your writing carefully. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and sentence structure. Utilize grammar-checking tools and consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify areas for improvement. Additionally, practice writing and editing regularly to strengthen your grammatical skills and develop a more polished writing style.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, it is common for employees to prioritize remote work, which may predominantly benefit workers rather than employers. While I understand the rationale behind this perspective, I respectfully disagree for several reasons.

There are compelling arguments in favor of remote work being advantageous for employees. Firstly, remote work allows individuals to manage their schedules, enabling them to not only balance their work but also dedicate additional time to participate in language and technical courses, enhancing their proficiency in various fields. This, in turn, increases their value in the workforce and facilitates adaptation to different roles and departments. Additionally, remote work enables employees to reduce living expenses. Individuals allocate their budgets to various expenses, including food, personal desires, family, and transportation. Remote work minimizes commuting time, resulting in savings on transportation costs such as fuel and public transport tickets.

Moreover, advocating for remote work also benefits employers for several reasons. Firstly, hiring remote employees grants access to a vast pool of professional workers regardless of geographical location, increasing the likelihood of recruiting highly skilled individuals and fostering business development. Furthermore, remote work allows employers to save significant costs associated with traditional office setups, including equipment, amenities, meals, beverages, office space, and warranties. These savings can be reallocated to other areas, contributing to business growth.

In conclusion, I believe that remote work positively impacts both workers and employers by reducing costs and facilitating talent acquisition, while also providing employees with opportunities to enhance their skills and experience.