many fators motivate people in their workplace. of these, money is the most important. to what extend do you agree or disagree

Many are of the belief that employees are motivated by a lot of elements but the most essential one is earning. I completely agree with this viewpoint because money is necessary to meet the cost of living and lay a foundation for people's success.
The main reason why earning is a prerequisite for stimulating everyone in the workplace is paying the monthly basic spending. There are various kinds of bills such as gas bills, electronic bills, water bills, and especially food and drinks that are necessary for the development of people. Some people also need money to raise and support the financial sources of their families. Therefore, if people receive a salary level that is compatible with their abilities and qualifications, they can have the motivation to advocate more for their workplaces. To illustrate, those directors with many achievements and excellent soft skills almost earn a large amount of money from their offices. Thus, the more money people receive, the more laborious people are.
Another compelling reason is that money is the most important factor that helps people lay the foundation for success in their lives. To illustrate, people who earn more money will have a deposit to buy their own houses, or cars or invest some certain fields that they are proficient at, which paves the way for a successful career. Pham Thanh Hung, for example, is a famous businessman who has taken advantage of his received money to invest in many cost-effective projects and bring a big deal of profits, then he organized a company specializing in investing in several categories. His success is attributed to his incredible thinking that money creates the most stimulation for working.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that money is indispensable for motivation to work because of meets the cost of living and lays the foundation for success. Hence, I suppose that money is the most important factor for every employee.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"Many are of the belief that employees are motivated by a lot of elements" -> "Many believe that employees are motivated by various factors"
Explanation: Replacing "Many are of the belief that" with "Many believe that" simplifies the sentence while maintaining the academic tone.
"but the most essential one is earning" -> "with earning being the most essential"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence improves clarity and formality by using "with…being" construction.
"I completely agree with this viewpoint" -> "I strongly support this perspective"
Explanation: "I completely agree with" is slightly informal; "I strongly support" is a more formal and academic alternative.
"because money is necessary to meet the cost of living" -> "as money is essential to cover living expenses"
Explanation: "meet the cost of living" is slightly informal; "cover living expenses" is a more formal alternative.
"and lay a foundation for people’s success" -> "and establish the groundwork for individuals’ success"
Explanation: "lay a foundation for" is somewhat informal; "establish the groundwork for" is more formal and precise.
"The main reason why earning is a prerequisite for stimulating everyone in the workplace is paying the monthly basic spending." -> "One primary reason why earning is crucial for motivating employees is to cover their monthly expenses."
Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted and informal. Simplifying and rephrasing improves clarity and formality.
"There are various kinds of bills such as gas bills, electronic bills, water bills, and especially food and drinks that are necessary for the development of people." -> "These include expenses like gas, electricity, water bills, and notably, food and beverages, crucial for sustenance."
Explanation: The original sentence is awkward and lacks precision. The suggested revision is clearer and more formal.
"Some people also need money to raise and support the financial sources of their families." -> "Some individuals require money to nurture and sustain their families’ financial well-being."
Explanation: "raise and support the financial sources of their families" is unclear and awkward. The revised version is clearer and more formal.
"Therefore, if people receive a salary level that is compatible with their abilities and qualifications, they can have the motivation to advocate more for their workplaces." -> "Therefore, when individuals receive a salary commensurate with their abilities and qualifications, they are more likely to advocate for their workplaces."
Explanation: The original sentence is wordy and awkward. The suggested revision is more concise and maintains a formal tone.
"To illustrate, those directors with many achievements and excellent soft skills almost earn a large amount of money from their offices." -> "For example, directors with numerous achievements and exceptional soft skills often earn substantial salaries."
Explanation: "almost earn a large amount of money from their offices" is imprecise and informal. The revised version is more precise and formal.
"Thus, the more money people receive, the more laborious people are." -> "Consequently, higher salaries correlate with increased work productivity."
Explanation: "the more laborious people are" is awkward and unclear. The revised version is more concise and formal.
"Another compelling reason is that money is the most important factor that helps people lay the foundation for success in their lives." -> "Furthermore, money is pivotal in establishing the groundwork for individuals’ success."
Explanation: The original sentence is repetitive and lacks precision. The revised version is more concise and formal.
"To illustrate, people who earn more money will have a deposit to buy their own houses, or cars or invest some certain fields that they are proficient at, which paves the way for a successful career." -> "For instance, higher earnings enable individuals to make down payments on homes or cars, and to invest in fields where they excel, thus fostering a successful career."
Explanation: The original sentence is fragmented and lacks coherence. The revised version is more cohesive and formal.
"Pham Thanh Hung, for example, is a famous businessman who has taken advantage of his received money to invest in many cost-effective projects and bring a big deal of profits, then he organized a company specializing in investing in several categories." -> "For example, Pham Thanh Hung, a renowned businessman, utilized his earnings to invest in lucrative projects, subsequently founding a company specializing in diverse investments."
Explanation: The original sentence is confusing and lacks clarity. The revised version is clearer and more formal.
"His success is attributed to his incredible thinking that money creates the most stimulation for working." -> "His success is attributed to his belief that money is the primary motivator for work."
Explanation: "incredible thinking that money creates the most stimulation for working" is awkward and unclear. The revised version is more concise and formal.
"In conclusion, I strongly believe that money is indispensable for motivation to work because of meets the cost of living and lays the foundation for success." -> "In conclusion, I firmly believe that money is indispensable for motivating individuals to work, as it covers living expenses and establishes the foundation for success."
Explanation: The original sentence is awkward and lacks clarity. The revised version is more concise and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay successfully addresses the prompt by taking a clear position that money is the most important motivator in the workplace. The writer uses the introduction to establish their agreement with the statement, and the subsequent paragraphs provide reasons to support this view, specifically focusing on how money meets basic living costs and aids in achieving success. Each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that relates directly to the prompt, effectively covering all parts of the question.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could benefit from exploring a counterargument or discussing other motivational factors, even briefly, to provide a balanced view before reaffirming the original stance. This would demonstrate a deeper understanding and analysis of the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance throughout, affirming that money is the paramount factor for motivation at work. This position is reiterated in the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, ensuring that the reader is never in doubt about the writer’s viewpoint.
- How to improve: While the position is clear, the writer could strengthen their argument by integrating more varied and complex sentence structures to convey nuances, which might involve concessions or contrasts to sharpen the focus on why money surpasses other motivators.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents its ideas clearly with two main arguments: money is necessary for covering basic needs and it facilitates future success. These points are supported with examples, such as the mention of a businessman, Pham Thanh Hung, who used his earnings for investments leading to success. The examples are pertinent but somewhat generic.
- How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific, detailed, and varied examples and evidence to support its claims. Additionally, extending ideas by discussing the psychological or emotional aspects of financial motivation could add depth to the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adheres closely to the topic provided in the prompt, without straying into irrelevant details. Each paragraph directly supports the thesis that money is a crucial motivator, and no deviation from the topic is observed.
- How to improve: While the focus is maintained, the essay could enhance its depth and relevance by linking the discussion more explicitly to broader implications or varying workplace contexts, which might illustrate the complexity of motivation beyond the financial aspect.

Overall, the essay effectively meets the criteria for a Band 7 by presenting a clear and coherent argument in response to the prompt, though there is room for improvement in developing a more nuanced argument and using more varied and detailed supporting evidence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical organization by presenting a clear introduction, body paragraphs with distinct supporting points, and a concluding statement. The introduction sets up the argument that money is the primary motivator in the workplace, followed by two body paragraphs that each elaborate on a different aspect of this argument. The first paragraph discusses the necessity of money for basic needs, while the second paragraph explores how money facilitates long-term success. Finally, the conclusion reaffirms the thesis statement.
- How to improve: While the overall logical flow is sound, ensuring a smoother transition between paragraphs could enhance coherence. Consider using transitional phrases or sentences to connect ideas more seamlessly. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph focuses on one main idea can further strengthen the organization.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs to structure its content. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument: the necessity of money for basic needs, the role of money in facilitating long-term success, and a concluding paragraph summarizing the main points. Additionally, within each paragraph, there is coherence in presenting supporting details and examples.
- How to improve: To further improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. This can help guide the reader through the essay and improve overall clarity and cohesion.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes cohesive devices such as transition words ("however," "thus," "in conclusion") and pronouns ("this viewpoint," "these elements") to connect ideas and maintain coherence. These devices contribute to the overall flow of the essay and help clarify relationships between sentences and paragraphs.
- How to improve: While cohesive devices are used effectively, incorporating a wider variety of transitions and cohesive devices can further enhance coherence. Consider using synonyms for commonly used transition words and experimenting with different sentence structures to vary the rhythm of the essay and maintain reader engagement. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay to reinforce connections between ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a decent range of vocabulary with varied terms such as "motivated," "prerequisite," "advocate," "stimulation," "deposit," "proficient," and "cost-effective." However, there is room for enhancement in incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary to elevate the lexical richness of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider integrating synonyms or related terms for commonly used words. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "money," you could incorporate alternatives like "income," "remuneration," or "compensation." Additionally, aim to incorporate domain-specific terminology related to workplace motivation or financial management to add depth to your arguments.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with reasonable precision. For example, terms like "prerequisite" and "deposit" are used accurately. However, there are instances where word choice could be more precise to convey the intended meaning more effectively. For instance, the phrase "advocate more for their workplaces" may benefit from a clearer expression to convey the idea of being more committed or dedicated to their work.
- How to improve: Aim for greater clarity and specificity in word choice to ensure that the intended meaning is conveyed accurately. When using terms with multiple interpretations, provide context or use alternative phrasing to avoid ambiguity. Consider revising sentences where the intended meaning may be unclear to ensure precision in vocabulary usage.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy overall. However, there are several instances of minor spelling errors, such as "fators" (should be "factors"), "extend" (should be "extent"), "development of people" (possibly intended as "daily needs" or "livelihood"), and "Pham Thanh Hung" (consistency in formatting proper names is essential).
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-checking tools or proofreading techniques to identify and correct errors. Additionally, pay attention to common spelling pitfalls and review the spelling of unfamiliar or complex words to ensure correctness. Practice regularly to reinforce spelling skills and develop greater proficiency in written communication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, simple sentences like "Many are of the belief that employees are motivated by a lot of elements" are effectively balanced with more complex constructions such as "The main reason why earning is a prerequisite for stimulating everyone in the workplace is paying the monthly basic spending."
- How to improve: While the essay displays a commendable effort in utilizing varied structures, further diversification could enhance its overall readability and sophistication. Introducing more complex sentence structures, such as inversion or conditional sentences, can elevate the essay’s coherence and coherence.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances where minor errors occur, such as subject-verb agreement ("The main reason why earning is a prerequisite") and article usage ("the cost of living and lays the foundation for success").
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it’s essential to review and revise sentence structures for proper subject-verb agreement and ensure consistency in article usage. Additionally, paying attention to punctuation, such as commas for clarity and sentence boundaries, can further refine the essay’s accuracy.

Overall, the essay effectively conveys the argument that money is the primary motivator in the workplace, supported by adequate grammatical range and accuracy. To improve further, focus on expanding the variety of sentence structures while refining grammatical precision to elevate the overall quality of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Many believe that employees are motivated by various factors, but the most significant one is money. I wholeheartedly agree with this perspective because money is essential for covering living expenses and fostering personal success.

The primary reason why earning a salary is crucial for motivating individuals in the workplace is to cover basic monthly expenses. These include various bills such as gas, electricity, water, and particularly food and beverages, which are essential for people’s well-being. Additionally, some individuals need money to support their families financially. Therefore, when employees are compensated adequately based on their skills and qualifications, they are more likely to be motivated to contribute more effectively to their workplaces. For instance, high-achieving directors with exceptional interpersonal skills often receive substantial salaries, which further incentivizes their dedication to their roles.

Another compelling reason is that money provides individuals with the means to lay the groundwork for success in their lives. For example, those who earn higher incomes can save for significant purchases such as homes or vehicles, or invest in fields where they excel, thus facilitating a successful career trajectory. Take Pham Thanh Hung, a renowned entrepreneur, for instance, who utilized his earnings to invest in lucrative projects, resulting in substantial profits. He subsequently established a company specializing in diverse investments, demonstrating how financial resources can fuel professional success.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that money is indispensable for motivating individuals in the workplace as it covers living expenses and facilitates personal advancement. Therefore, I maintain that financial compensation is the most crucial factor for every employee’s motivation.